Is it ok to disengage from certain things?
My sd is 8 and besides being a typically mildly annoying 8 year old, she's actually very sweet and well mannnered. I generally don't mind having her around as long as I am getting adequate time alone, w my partner, and w my sons. However, there are a couple areas which drive me mad and from which I plan to disengage. Sd doesn't know how to eat properly-she's got all kinds of food issues, and I despise cooking for her and eating w her as she picks apart even the plainest foods. She's also terrible at dressing herself; like her mom, she cannot match to save her life. I grew up where kids were supposed to look clean and presentable and sd just doesn't. Dad doesn't care. Bio mom doesn't care. Both of these issues cause tons of arguments and stress and I just need to pull myself out of them because my partner and I don't see eye to eye on this stuff at all. Is it ok to disengage on some issues but not others?!
It is absolutely OK to
It is absolutely OK to disengage from some things but not others. Disengagement is customized for the individual.
Your SD can't match to save her life, then don't go out in public with her. Let her dad have that pleasure. No more cooking when your SD is there. Let her dad enjoy how picky she is. Can't stand watching her pick apart her food and scrutinize it? Then eat separately. You can take yourself out of the line of fire when it comes to those topics that drive you wild. Also, by disengaging you will no longer enable behaviours that go against your grain.
Yes, you aren't her parent,
Yes, you aren't her parent, so you can pick and choose what areas you want to be involved in. I bought clothes for my SS because I like to bargain shop. And I played games with him, cooked for him here and there. But all the other stuff was on my DH to handle.
simple.
Table manners, and ... eat what is served or go hungry.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
End of problem.
Hunger and humiliation for bad table manners are great behavioral modification tools.