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Tone Deaf DH

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Sun, 04/04/2021 - 10:15am

I couldn't believe I was hearing it. After hearing about some drama at my old job, DH told me I need to change how I am & become willing to end relationships with people who treat me/others poorly (my paraphrase). Looking at him incredulously while he was telling me that. How I'm too sweet & empathic, need to toughen up. Jaw-dropping (for me) based on our past 3÷ years... If I applied this standard to DH, I'd be long gone. Not quite sure why I'm not...

We in marriage counseling. Marriage broken as detailed in my more recent blogs. Part of my shame has been in not having left/filed for divorce after his midlife crisis purchase & associated verbal, emotional, and financial abuse. Many apologies & three different marriage counselors later, DH said he has it figured out: I need to trust him. 

 

Comments

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Sun, 04/04/2021 - 10:43am

I thought the same when I read this and then did a quick re-fresh on your previous blogs.  What is stopping you from pulling the plug on this relationship?  

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 04/04/2021 - 2:45pm

Would you consider therapy to help sort it out? The sunk costs fallacy is a tough one to undo. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Mon, 04/05/2021 - 9:59am

Therapy would be really helpful for you.  

I've been thinking about your situation since I saw your blog earlier this weekend and I really hope you find a professional to talk to about what you are living with.

Hugs and sorry if earlier question came acros as harsh.

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Sat, 04/10/2021 - 9:37am

Thank you. No - you didn't come across as harsh, just concerned. 

The_Upgrade's picture

Submitted by The_Upgrade on Sun, 04/04/2021 - 10:40am

Your DH is partially right. It is trust related. You do trust him. You trust that he'll be his tonedeaf, narc, gaslighting self and that right there is the problem. Because he is. So why aren't you taking his advice? 10 marriage counsellors won't be able to cure narcissism so you may as well consult 3 divorce attorneys for a bit of direction on where you stand. 

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Sun, 04/04/2021 - 11:04am

Wouldn't it be fitting to tell him you were taking his advice as you served him divorce papers?

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 04/04/2021 - 11:47am

He is a SS addict, He a spending addict. Ect. He always looking for his next fix 

He gets a fix by spending money   He gets a fix thinking SS is going to amount to something.   He can't go cold turkey as in not spending any money at all.  He can't break away from SS.   You have your work cut out for yourself.  He can't change.  Even with seeing someone,  They can not change him.  He try's to keep you happy because you are paying for him to live.  
If you divorce, and he has to pay all his bills.  He will be living in SS room at his ex.   No.  He will be living in some dump looking for money to eat.   He needs you to keep his lifestyle. Going 

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Sat, 04/10/2021 - 9:58am

Thank you Harry.

You're likely correct in most of that. The good news is (that I've not written about on ST), SS is actually doing pretty well & wouldn't WANT DH to come live with him. SS recently turned 21, has worked full-time in a trade for almost two years (and left his 1st job at a fast-food restaurant ONLY after securing the new one - I'd like to think that had something to do with how I'd coached him on Not Burning Bridges and Leaving On A Good Note), rents an apartment with his BFF as roommate, and bought a used car when the one we'd gotten him years ago with some of his CS reached the end of its useful/safe life. 

Yes, DH has admitted SS21 is doing fine and that I didn't ruin his life by making DH keep his word when SS turned 18 but hadn't gotten his drivers license or enrolled at the local community college. 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sun, 04/04/2021 - 12:15pm

DH told me I need to change how I am & become willing to end relationships with people who treat me/others poorly

I think it's time you tell him that you intend to do exactly that. He is not going to change, he is who he is and his resentment of you over his son is not going to go away. He will make you pay, and pay, and pay (in more ways than one).

Yes, he has it figured out alright, that he can treat you how he treats you and you will take it because you are too sweet & empathic.