Really Struggling with SSstb21
(Sorry this is longer than I thought it was going to be and really just a vent- nothing can really be done right now.)
SS20 (21 in 5 days) has been HORRIBLE to live with the last few weeks.
I was tossing some of it up to SS16 coming to town, season changes, my kids schedules have been crazy with their dad closer and online school they are doing a lot of back and forth. But wow did things come to a head last night!
We have given SS 3 "chores" that he is responsible for.
- Empty the dishwasher in the mornings- if you don't, you have to deal with all the dishes and cleaning the kitchen in the evening.
- Clean your room Wed. - day off of work.
- Wake up on time for work.
Nothing crazy right? The problem we have is that he won't do those things. Last night I got home from work- dishes were still dirty from the night before in the dishwasher (he never started the load or even put in a dish tab), the counters were gross, sink obviously full of dishes and his room looked like a freaking tornado had touched down. Drinks were in his room along with food wrappers - I have a VERY STRICT no food or drinks in rooms (water is the exception).
I start walking around, finding all of this stuff. The back door isn't shut (we have a 3lb Chi that can't go out alone- we have owls and eagles that hang out in our neighborhood trees that would scoop her up so fast- she is snack size), shoes are scattered in the livingroom (our other dog will move shoes around the house when he is lonely), SS is the only one home, my kids have been at their dad's all week. I am bottling this all up inside because I am so tired to fussing at him all the time and then I open the fridge and see an empty container of these stupid V8 energy drinks that he loves. I lost it. I walked into the game room, dropped the box on his lap and cut the power where his game and tv were plugged into the power strip.
He jumps up asking why I am always up his a$$ and that he is trying. DH is on speaker phone, it was just a mess. At one point, am just listening to SS walk and yell around the house in circles, I am kind of leaned back on the kitchen counter. SS says something out of line and I snapped at him to watch his mouth. This punk comes up to me posturing and "looming" over me still yelling. I don't move, I don't flinch. Through gritted teeth I tell him to step back now and don't ever walk up like that to me again. He apologized and walked more cirlces around the house saying he didn't mean it like that.
DH got home and we finally got him settled back down. DH told him that if he can't handle our rules then he can look for somewhere else to live. That shut him up again. It always does.
I have reached out to his DARS counselor for advice on group homes- we can't afford them and he doesn't have Social security to help supplement (they are like 8K a month!!). I spoke to a Social Security attorney who said to file again right after his 21st birthday, there is someting that changes in their system and it is a lot easier to get him approved. They are going to take the case right after we file again, so at least that is in the works, so to speak.
(For those that are new or don't remember SS20 is autistic and has some other mental disabilities)
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Comments
I wish I had something sage
I wish I had something sage for you, hon. I'm so sorry. {{{HUGS}}}
Oh, man. So sorry. Were you
Oh, man. So sorry. Were you able to formally appeal his first decline for disability?
They said they never recived
They said they never recived our appeal so we have to start over.
Is SS on any kind of
Is SS on any kind of medication that may need adjustment?
He is on a lot of medication.
He is on a lot of medication. I don't think he need any adjustments there, I think it has to do with him chronologically being 21 and still being treated like an 11 yr old- which is what he is emotionally and mentally. Based on talking to his DARS counselor and his therapist this is kind of like the 17yr old rebellion that a lot of teens go through. He is just doing it now.
It is harder though because there is no- he is about to leave for college or his first apartment on his own. There is no light at the end of the teenage tunnel.
Disability will always deny
Disability will always deny on first pass, so always appeal.
Sounds like excessive gaming is the issue and he probably can't regulate it. I'd suggest he loses it entirely for a while and works up to having it a couple hours a day. Yes, he's 21 but his mentality is 12.
I agree that excessive gaming
I agree that excessive gaming is a major problem. He has no concept of reality and when he is always on his phone, tablet or video game- he just becomes an a$$ when anything takes him away from them.
I do feel like I need to do some kind of parental control app for him and limit him to a couple of hours a day of screen time.
Yep. Maybe there is a modem
Yep. Maybe there is a modem out there that you can control remotely or set on some kind of timer. I'd suggest a detox period of no games at all so he knows you are serious and builds some other activities to do other than gaming.
It sounds like your DH needs
It sounds like your DH needs to take emergency family leave and deal with the SS living with you and causing you problems. He needs to come up with a plan, run that plan by the therapist for adjustments, and implement that plan with SS for a week to try and help him form some new habits.
I'm assuming SS knows he's being a brat because he steps down real quick from being a "big man" when confronted with the reality that he COULD get kicked out and you COULD clean his clock and it not be child abuse.
I have had similar conversations with my mom about my sister (granted, my sister isn't dealing with nearly the amount of stuff SS is). I can tell when my sister acts out due to her mental health issues versus her being "dramatic". She has some trauma related to bugs, so I know.if she spirals mentally due to something bug-related, it's likely her mental health. But if she calls me mad because I don't help her with something? That's her entitlement that she wraps up in her mental health.
My guess is that SS has some things legitimately related to his health that makes life difficult to process. However, I also assume he milks some of that and also just acts like a kid/teenager. Your DH needs to spend some real time with him now that he's older and work out a new procedure with Dad's backing. He creates with SS so that everyone can help enforce it.
I know the timing isn't ideal because of SS16, but your DH needs to consider that OSS needs his attention now, too. It sucks, but he kinda has to be all things to both his kids because he bred poorly. OSS needs more attention right now, and your DH needs to find that time.
I wish that was an option
I wish that was an option right now. I really do.
However, being military- it isn't. He took a week of emergency leave when SS16 was here and he is taking leave again for court in 30 days. They aren't going to let him have any more.
I will talk to SS's therapist and arrange an appointment for DH, SS and I with her for Monday. I do think that these issues are bubbling and are do for an even bigger explosion that what we had last night.
I 100% agree that some of the things going on are truly mental health related but a lot of it is his just not giving a flying F. Teenage A-hole behavior.
Thankfully he is "scared" of me enough that I am not worried about him ever striking me or anything like that.
all I can say...
my heart and hugs go out to you. It takes someone very very special to be a step mom to an atypical SD/SS.
You lady are one very special person to care so much for SS.
Some days I am better at it
Some days I am better at it than others. I do care greatly for him and I want him to have a full life. At the same time I get so frustrated because I do have expectations for him. They aren't unfair or unbalanced with my bios. Everyone has to do something to help our household. His attitude lately is just making me want to wring his neck, you know?
Oh I know....believe me I know
and I call this phase assholessence....they think they all grown...but they are not.
YES!!! LOL
YES!!! LOL
Ugh that is awful!
Wish I had any advice to offer, but I really don't. Hang in there, it HAS to get better, right? Hopefully since he is turning 21 it will give you better options than were offered before!
Justmakingthebest, what is
Justmakingthebest, what is DARS counselor? I hear ya in wanting to wring their neck! We are facing some serious issues with my 21yr old son. He's been struggling with drugs/mental health issues for quite some time. He's currently hospitalized in a pschiatric hospital and we will be taking him to another place that offers day programs with residential when he is realeased. He just can't live here anymore, it's dangerous to him and to us. We finally got a proper diagnosis though but I am gut punched and very upset at life right now. Been making tons of calls to find out all I can about resources for him (SSI, housing, medicaid-he's currently on our insurnace). It's schizoaffective disorder with bipolar type. He has extreme paranoia, delusions, bad behavior, conspiracy theories, rage, ....in addition he is an entitled ass on his own but I"m sure his condition doesn't help. He also has anosognosia which makes it to he has NO insight into his condition. He still believes everything wrong with him is because everyone is trying to harm him and that he has no mental health problems. The first time he was taken on a 1013 was similar, released too son and he was entirely non compliant with meds and therapy after a few visits.
His current psychiatrist is saying also no insight and is still refusing meds-the same thing that would help him come out of this hell and towards a normal life. He has the big pharma/poison idea that so many with this condition have. I may have to get a temporary emergency medical order as a guardian to ensure he takes the meds. As he is 'cooperative and calm' during his stay they can't force him to take the pills or shot currently.
Our life has been an absolute living hell the last few years. Most people wouldn't be able to even begin to comprehend. It's particularly rough with my DH because my son targets him the most with anger and paranoia. As a step I wouldn't be able to cope with it.
Did your Dr or someone else help you with his initial filing?
OMG, what I am dealing with
OMG, what I am dealing with is nothing compared to what you are!
DARS= Department of Aging and Rehabilitation. They get special needs people jobs and help with education. They have all kinds of resoucres and help. Sometimes it can take years to get in the program, it is state run and maxes out funding every year. SS has a job counselor that goes to work with him and stays to help him- mostly attitude check him and make sure he does his assigned tasks. They also put him through welding school at no cost to us through an adult education program and he has a helper there too.
We have looked into guardianships and started the process but then stopped it. It is pricey and right now he is compliant with us. He has rough days but he takes his meds, he doesn't physically fight or anything like that. If it ever became an issue we would 100% get the guardianship.
We did have his doctor, therapist and school counselor help with the 1st filing- I thought we nailed it. Then when we got the letter of decline and sent the appeal- I should have known to send it in ceritified with return receipt. I just mailed it and they claim they never got it.