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DD17s 18th birthday

Someoneelse's picture

Submitted by Someoneelse on Fri, 03/26/2021 - 1:16pm

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DD17 and DH said they notice that I haven't been going to counseling. The councelor sucks, she wants us to all have a sit down conversation with BM and talk about how they are effecting my mental state... I tell her this isn't going to happen, SD and BM don't give a **** about my mental state and I've told the counselor  this. but she keeps asking. I tell DH and DD that I wont be seeing her again. DH says, well it seems that things are going pretty well... *blank stare* SD LITERALLY put hands on my daughter.... she LITERALLY TOLD MY DAUGHTER THAT SHE DOESN'T BELONG! MY DAUGHTER THAT HAS EXTREME ABANDONMENT ISSUES! And I've told DH this before. I nearly choke on my water when he said that. but with my freaking stupid extreme anxiety and need to please everyone, I didn't say anything. *face palm* the only reason it seems to be going well is that when SD is over everyone stays in their rooms, or goes to friends houses. SD asks to be taken places, and everyone is *miraculously* "busy".

DD is turning 18 soon, and she wanted to rent out our neighborhood community center (we are all vaccinated, as will her freinds will be by then). DH wants to rent out the community center on the weekend that SD is with us, THIS has me upset. SD is SOOOOOOO mean to DD17, I REALLY don't want her to be there. this is LITERALLY a party to celebrate DD and SD will make it about herself(as she ****ing ALWAYS does). I just need to vent, and I don't have really anyone who understands my stepmom problems.

GrudgingSM's picture

Submitted by GrudgingSM on Fri, 03/26/2021 - 1:53pm

Make the booking when you want to. Don't let your daughters birthday or your mental health suffer for that brat.

Someoneelse's picture

Submitted by Someoneelse on Fri, 03/26/2021 - 4:10pm

Thank you, i will! I just hate my whole situation.  Sd is 16, and not a baby, so truly, this is insane how immature and ridiculous it all its

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 03/26/2021 - 7:10pm

"No, this is not about your daughter. This is my daughter's birthday celebration. It is about her and celebrating with her friends and the people she cares about and who care about her. Your daughter will try to make it about her and I will not allow that to happen.  I will be scheduling the community center for my daughter's day on BM's time with SD.  I understand that may result in my DD not attending some celebration for SD in the future. So be it. However, I will not put my daughter through the tension and drama of having your daughter there.  Your daughter should be given absolute clarity on why she will not attend if she asks. If you do not have the courage to tell her, I will."

Keep it direct. Keep it simple.  Your drive to please sadly serves yourself and your daughter up as targets and victims of SD's behavioral toxicity and your own mate's lack of parental testicular fortitude.

Stop that.

As for stopping therapy, good on you.  Do not employ an idiot counselor. Never forget that a counselor, like an attorney, or any other medical practice, works for you. If they do not deliver to your demands and expectations, find one who will.  Insist on performance for your money or your benefit coverage.  If you have not been direct with this therapist and told them that there will be no sit down with BM  or SD under any circumstance and what your specific requirements and goals are, do it.  Make it clear that she is going to be held to delivering to your expectations and she will have to amend the therapy plan to navigate your requirements.  That she wants to expose you to the toxicity of BM and SD and maybe even your own DH makes me question her professionalism if not her intellect.

Learn to care about you above the toxic players in your life and to stand on a platform of zero tolerance for their crap.

Good luck.

Someoneelse's picture

Submitted by Someoneelse on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 6:18am

Trust me, i know! Mty anxiety makes me way over think things and plan out failure before I can even say anything to him, and then i think, well what if we all just keep doing what we're doing, and just avoid each her ther little bit that she's here, maybe it will work out.  

I know i need to rent it out when sd's not here, i know i need to stand up to DH and not be such a people pleaser,  it just goes against everything ive learned/ done my entire life. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 3:00pm

Its never too late for an old dog to learn new tricks. Meaning you can stand up to your DH. Maybe think of it this way, you are "people pleasing" your DD by not having that cruel B of a SD there. You can do it.

You will have more anxiety with SD at your DD's party, more so than standing up to DH. Does DH know how cruel SD is? Is he aware how she treats your SD? How your DD has abandonment issues, and SD is so cruel she uses that to hurt her more. If anyone needs therapy, maybe your DH should notice that. Is there a 666 on SD skull? She is evil

Someoneelse's picture

Submitted by Someoneelse on Sun, 03/28/2021 - 7:10am

right, I am definitely not going to have SD at DD17's party. I've decided that 100%.

DH knows how horrid SD is, he's just so QUICK to decide everyone is "getting along" since there is no "fighting"(sd being a complete B to everyone) but HONESTLY since DD17 took DD16 and SD to the mall on that "sister date" and SD told DD17 that she didn't belong and that the "sister date would have been better without her" everyone's completely avoided SD and they all basically stay in their rooms, or go hang out with friends. or are miraculously busy when SD asks them to take her somewhere. SO since there is no fighting, he thinks that everyone is getting along.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sun, 03/28/2021 - 7:23am

Stop sugar-coating things. Be realistic. Give things their true name. What is a a people pleaser if not a doormat? Do you want to be everyone's doormat? Of course not! So start standing up for yourself and your daughter. Being a doormat doesn't earn you any brownie points, it just makes more people wipe their feet on you... The choice is yours. 

Someoneelse's picture

Submitted by Someoneelse on Mon, 03/29/2021 - 5:31am

Ther true name of it is called high functioning anxiety due to childhood trauma that's been reinforced through society. Thanks though

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Mon, 03/29/2021 - 5:44am

No offence was intended. I had no idea of your background. I'm sorry if I upset you.

Someoneelse's picture

Submitted by Someoneelse on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 7:54am

Thank you, I wasn't offended, I just get frustrated when people think my being a "people pleaser" problem as just being a door mat and needing to just say "no" is easy. It makes ne literally sick to my stomach, mty while body goes rigid, my face gets hot,  my tongue feels as though it swells up too big for my mouth, i start crying. My mind starts an internal dialog about how selfish im being, that i should just say yes and do what they want, is it really too much to ask for. Can't i just play out and see if something bad actually happens and then take care of it when it does. I literally am a complete mess inside and out. And i get it, unless you have experienced something like this, it's hard to imagine how simply saying no, or going against something someone wants would be a hard thing to dio. 

But i know what i need to do, and I did it, I've booked it already for when SD won't be there. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 8:35am

Glad you've booked it. I just hope bm is of the kind who won't swap weekends if your DuH asked ...

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 2:08pm

Tell him it's not happening and if he does change weekends neither he nor SD will be attending.

Stepcreaturesonly's picture

Submitted by Stepcreaturesonly on Sun, 03/12/2023 - 11:48pm

I rarely login so can't comment and I know I'm late to this but you just broke my heart with this reply. I'm reading your story and you seem like such a kind person I want to slap your SD and DH. I wish you didn't feel this way. Xx

Someoneelse's picture

Submitted by Someoneelse on Tue, 03/14/2023 - 4:11pm

That's very sweet. Part of my issue is always being told I'm a sweet person, and sweet people tend to get walked all over, mixed in with when i didn't let people take advantage of me i would be punished.  When i was going i was punished by my father for 'making things difficult" by not just going along with things i didn't agree with.  Then when i turned 18 i moved in with my new boyfriend, who turned abusive, then internalized everything as my fault (what i was told growing up all my childhood). So i learned that if i just let people do what they want and say what they want nobody gets hurt. Then i married that boyfriend (father of my two daughters), divorced him because i didn't want my daughters to see that i stayed with a man that treated me so badly.  Then married a man that ended up being abusive (emotionally and physically)  to my youngest daughter when she was 2 (later find out that he was likely sexuality assaulting both of them). Then met my current husband... so yea, i just attract $#!tty guys... but never find out till later... at least he isn't physically abusive, right?  

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 03/17/2023 - 1:55pm

You went through all that.

How are you today?

Someoneelse's picture

Submitted by Someoneelse on Fri, 03/17/2023 - 10:46pm

Definitely left emotional scars.  Part of the reason i have trouble claiming boundaries, and standing up for myself. And I'm always afraid to speak my mind, for fear of "getting in trouble" even though i KNOW that I'm an adult and wouldn't get "in trouble" it's a psychological thing i have trouble with.