I am trying!!! I really am...

DH has been trying to get BM to respond for spring break flights for about a week. Of course she won't, so I suggested he go with the "I am buying the tickets tonight by 8pm, if you have any conflicts please let me know before then. Otherwise I will take your nonresponse as consent." line that we use.

This was her response:

Once again you’re not in a position of authority over me, so your deadlines are not relevant. Spring break is still six weeks away, so I’m sure we have a little time. In the future, having a little consideration for your son and his life and schedule would be greatly appreciated.

DH was big mad this morning when he saw that. I told him don't worry about it. Spring break isn't really negotiable in terms of dates. Just buy the tickets this evening, send her the info and say that if she is unable to take him to the airport please let us know at least 3 days in advance so that we can have a family member get him there. Just ignore the rest. If SS doesn't show, he doesn't show. This will be the last time we buy a flight if that happens.

I am trying to back away. I know it is a power struggle and I want out. I don't want to tell DH that I don't want to hear about it, because he is truely my best friend in the world and my partner in life. However, I don't want to be drug down by this again. We should have our court date today per our lawyer. He is going to soley focus on CS and Alimony being settled and the previous contempt for financial repayment.

He has all of the police reports and a letter from the city attorney that was "very harshly worded" for our case to show that she isn't going to stop her nonsense. Hopefully that will be enough to hold her accountable financially. We aren't going back to court and we aren't going to fight anything anymore. If he visits, great. If not, oh well. I have really been researching being a foster parent. We can use SS's room for another child that will be happy to be a part of our family.

I just really, really hate BM.

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Have you guys talked to SS?

Have you guys talked to SS? Does he say that he wants to visit?

SS has been severely

SS has been severely alienated. Once he is with us, everything is awesome. We have a great time. The minute he gets back to BM, it is a light switch.

I see part of the problem

I see part of the problem here is that he is asking for her permission/consent in a way to something that SHE doesn't have control over right? I mean.. days are set. With her history, I would be damned if I cared WHAT her conflicts might be.. I wouldn't care if my kid had a tournament that week.. too bad.. too sad.. those are the dates that are Court Ordered BM/SS..

She AND SS have lost the right to ask for modifications and variances from what has been ordered based on their past behavior. Your DH needs to cease and desist with the wishy washy behavior with both of them..He has been awarded custody... HE decides whether he exercises it.. and HE decides when he makes travel plans for his son. BM has zero say in it. SS has zero say in it. Please point out to him that they have NEVER cared what is convenient for your family.. that your family has spent money gone wasted for noshows.. etc.. STOP BEING A DOORMAT DH.

You and he need to decide what the best time is for SS to travel. Ensure that the travel time falls within the boundaries of the CO ordered time and make the plans and INFORM them of the schedule and remind them it is HER responsibility to make sure SS is on that plane. If she claims "impossible due to work conflict".. then your DH can jump in and arrange a ride for the kid.. but stop giving them options here.. it is not workiing out to his favor and she seems to think that these are "requests" that she can toy with.

His fear is that she won't

His fear is that she won't send him because she wasn't consulted first and it won't work for her. I agree that she doesn't have a choice but he wants to be seen as always being the accommodating one and being willing to "work with BM".

She is such a b**ch that we just can't win. It is hard being long distance.

1. If she doesn't send him

1. If she doesn't send him and the time is ordered per the CO ... she is in contempt. (ensure that any and all travel is done per his stipulated time.. if there is any doubt "who's" time the kid travels on.

2. He should not ask her for her consent... this is not her call to make. That word is giving her all the power.. because.. yes.. she doesn't answer to your DH.. or his timelines.. other than meeting CO requirements.

3. Giving her an opening to object is throwing the whole CO visit up in the air.. he is telling her it's negotiable. He needs to STOP doing that... sure, in a sane situation, you might want to appear accomodating.. but in this case? it's time has passed.. and any judge that questioned why he didn't "run it by BM" when he didn't have to? Pull out all the "excuses and foot dragging" that you have documented... pull out the unused tickets and the expense he has gone to when she was obligated to comply and didn't.

"Judge, I would love to be able to be more accomodating, but due to our past experience, we feel it is best to limit conflicts and stick to the CO as written. period. (offer to give judge "history")"

It does not matter if it "works" for her.. she has the CO.. she knows when he has visitiation.. it's on HER to not create a schedule for herself or his son that interferes with the CO. If she doesn't? too sad.. too bad.. and if she doesn't send him? Notify the court.

Ain't going to lie this

Ain't going to lie this sounds so familiar. Why do BM have so much power? Mine has my DH running scared to do anything. My BM has also gone as far as saying my SD wants to be adopted by her finance when they get married..I say plz do then that saves us some CS. SD is being raised to hate her father! He can't do anything right in her eyes. And she says "Dad you can't buy me" what 12yrold knows to say that?? But her mother spoils the hell out her. And she's admitted it. I'm also trying to step out of the conversations and not ask what's going on, I'm losing my sanity over kids that ain't mine! There is a reason God didn't give me kids..but even if I did I wouldn't be acting like this I wasn't raised this way..

Oh yeah, the things that have

Oh yeah, the things that have come out of my SS's mouth is disgustingly parroted. It is sooooo obvious how he has been brainwashed. That is what makes it so hard for us. SS should be old enough to think for himself on some levels, but BM is so sneaky and underhandand in her manipulations that SS just never stood a chance.

Wow, her response sounds

Wow, her response sounds exactly like a response our BM would give, who is also long distance.

Is this so SS can visit over

Is this so SS can visit over Spring Break? Is it a CO visit? She honestly has no say. Sadly, it seems like PAS has been in the works for a long time. Hate to day it (we are in the same boat) but there is honestly no "undoing" the damage it has caused. I agree with the poster above that hopefully SS will reach out for a relationship when he is older, but I wouldn't hold my breath while he's a teen and still under the influence of BM.

It is a court ordered visit.

It is a court ordered visit. She really doesn't have any say.

The only thing she could say is something along the lines of travel times (not dates) but there aren't many options when it comes to flights, so it is what it is.

Sadly I don't think that even as an adult my SS will come around.

DH has to learn to expect

DH has to learn to expect this nonsense from BM. Just send an email saying "Tickets have been purchased for X date at X time, I expect SS to be on the plane, per our court order".

And then IGNORE. Why does he still get "big mad", he's been dealing with this loon for years? Does he still think one day she will just comply like a good girl? Not gonna happen.

If he can't see SS in person, he should just text/email that he's done fighting, you can visit whenever you want, love you Dad.