So over it. Planning my “exit” need advice
I have finally reached my breaking point. I'm done Tiptoeing around spoiled Lying disrespectful rude step brat. I'm done dealing with ballless Disney daddy who allows his brat to treat me like crap and do WHATEVER he pleases in fear of SS leaving if DH says anything.
Here is what I'm working with
Pros
1. No shared children
2. I'm financially Secure and can easily support myself
Cons
1. No family alive to help me Emotionally or physically with this. No local friends
2. I don't want the house so would have to be the one to move
I've never been divorced so no clue how to prepare. I've had a free Consultation with an attorney but that's as far as it's been. We have two dogs that I want as SS is mean to them but DH will fight me for them. I'm going to take my time so I don't forget something. Planning this for over the summer sometime.
So what are things I need to do to prepare for this???
Get your place set up
Then one day take the dogs and move then file for divorce
I haven't been divorced, but
I haven't been divorced, but when you leave, take the dogs with you. Then they become property to discuss in court and you might be able to give DH something else in exchange for him letting you keep the dogs without a fight - but also - whose name are they in? Who bought them, who takes them to the vet? That can make a difference. Also document and log any times that SS is mean to them to bring up in court.
Can you move back to where you have family/friends? I know that's not easy to do without a job so might be a longer term plan.
If you think DH could get difficult, make sure you have any important papers out of the house, and a place rented and ready to go before you tell him you are leaving.
We each adopted a dog from a rescue so
One dog is in DH name at the adoption place only. I'm the one to bring both to the vet so all vet records are in my name only. As far as retaliation on DH part hard to say. Financially DH will have a difficult time paying bills without my help so I could have some sort of issues regarding this. We never had a joint bank account thank god so hopefully he can't get any of my money. As far as items in the house I would only want the things I purchased. Unfortunately all the nice furniture is from what I purchased with my own money so not sure how that will play out. Moving back to where my friends are would not be possible. I have a very Specific job and difficult to find in that area.
It depends a lot on the laws
It depends a lot on the laws in your area, how property is divided up. He probably can get some of your money, but you can also get some of his. Most attorneys give free consultations, that's a good place to start.
Do you own your house or rent
Do you own your house or rent? If you own, is it in both of your names? If you rent, did you both sign the lease? When does the lease expire, and are you timing your exit around that? Whose name are the utilities in? You said you don't have joint finances. Do you have any financial ties with him that you can start undoing now? If so, do it. I'd also get a safe deposit box and move any important papers out of the house. Take time now to get things sorted and organized so you know what you're going to take and what you're leaving behind - it'll just look like cleaning to your DH if he's not expecting that you're going to leave him. Now would be a good time to do a thorough inventory - for insurance purposes, of course, if H asks.
Does your husband have any history of being abusive or violent? If so, you need to plan your exit carefully and have someone with you if you're going to be with him after you tell him you're leaving. I would leave then tell him, frankly, unless he has treated you in a way that it would be wrong to do so (and I'm not getting that vibe, at all). I also agree with what futuro has written above.
It's hard during Covid, but I'd start doing what I could to meet some people locally. Look for groups or people that share interests or hobbies with you. Go out and do things you enjoy doing. Put yourself out there so your world is a lot broader than just your husband and his disrespectful brat.
Thank you so much. Much I did not think of
Let's see...DH Purchased the house with 100k down BUT when we got married my name got put on the deed so we are now both owners. I have the cable bill in my name but DH has all the other bills just in his name. Don't think we have any Financial ties except for the house. My car is in just my name and his car is just in his name.
I Definitely could start going through things as DH would never notice since he's SO involved with the brat. Seriously I think I could start moving things out and he wouldn't even notice.
As far as DH being violent..Hmmm I have seen him throw things and get in my face screaming when we have had fights about SS behavior BUT never hit me. Honestly I don't think he would. Not because of me BUT fear of getting into legal trouble and Affecting his Custody/visitation of SS. BM is constantly looking for a reason to get SS away from DH and Assault charges on me could be her ticket and DH would know this
The surprise of my life
My ex's reaction to my leaving was the surprise of my life. He held a gun to my head the night before I escaped with my kids and the clothes on my back. The next 3 months were a hell of him stalking me, kidnapping my son and ultimately, an attack that resulted in a charge of assault. This was a funny, laid back guy who had never raised his voice, much less ever threatened me. Be careful, emotions can make people crazy.
I've been divorced. You
I've been divorced. You could rent a small storage unit and stash stuff in there that you absolutely can't live without. I suggest a hard look at what you can leave behind or sacrifice to get free. Most of its just stuff and if your are divorcing a control freak, knowing what you must have and know what he wants are key to having the leverage during the settlement phase. Keep things private, don't let him know what you want/need. Don't hesitate to claim something he must have and use it bargin to get what you want. Letting him think he won when you did can be useful in divorce. Especially with a control freak/narcissistic type. Regarding the dogs, have things he wants more than them, that way you can trade them for the dogs.
Settlement is like a balance sheet, dividing up stuff on each side until you both think it's fair. If it looks lopsided in his favor but you got everything you wanted, who won??? Best of luck.
One more thing, free consults with pit bull lawyers can take them out of contention to be his lawyer. If he's going be a jerk, you might need to do this. I've seen high conflict men drag out divorces for control and winning. Only you can know what to expect.
Regarding the pets
Make sure you get copies of the vet records to prove you were the one taking the dogs to the vet
Good for you!
Getting out and starting fresh is hard no matter what, but in a high conflict situation, double or triply hard. My heart is with you.
So, Im going to reiterate what has been commented:
1. Make copies of all documentation and stash at a storage facility. Same with important things that you dont think he will notice.
2. Make appointmenst with extra lawyers so he cannot hire them.
3. Choose the most ferocious one for you.
4. Take care of YOU! Focus on you and what you need to stay healthy. This is not healthy and divorce is a super hit emotionally. You grieve for the relationship you were hoping for and that you thought would happen even if not for the one you have.
5. Start trying to build a local support system. volunteering your time will both get you away and create a good solid network. I met the most amazing people doing volunteer work. And even when I had to stop voluneering, I stayed friends. I have no kiddos of my own, but I have an amazing tribe.
6. Pets, get them away from horrible abusive skid. They are also your tribe.
I absolutely concur with and
I absolutely concur with and support the advice you have been given to meet with all of the best attorneys in your area. You can do some quick research on the top 10. Then, book a consult with each of them. Most will do an initial consultation for no charge. That will generally relegate your STBX to choosing from the B team as you proceed with your divorce.
As the addage goes, "all is fair in love and war" so play to win.
Congratulations
On the beginning of the end, and the start of a brand new less complicated and toxic life!
I agree with above posters. Get your ducks in a row as much as possible before he gets wind of you leaving. Try to have as much set up and ready to go so when you leave you just slip right into your new life.
Work out what you need and want from the divorce? Is he likely to argue with you? If he will let you go with whatever you are happy with then go. If not, prepare for the lawyers.
One last thing! If you have seperate money and assets, I'd consider "not having" that extra cash in your bank account of assets laying around. Just saying. There are ways around this type of thing but you have to think about how you tie it all up before you divorce him so he can't get his filthy paws on it. A good accountant and/or lawyer should know what to do!
Good luck! I'm slightly envious. Baby keeps me hanging on a while longer.