Resentment towards husband
I have been opening up to a lot of thoughts and feelings lately towards everything going on with my husband, step kids, this lawsuit he is in and one thing I have come to realize is I have a lot of resentment towards DH. Not that it's fair but I resent that his ex wife is a complete sociopath narcissist. I resent that he signed an agreement that has hurt our family so much and looks like it may continue to unless the judge changes it which now seems unlikely so this struggle is going to continue until the kids are 18. I honestly don't know how to get past that. We will suffer, my kids will suffer while HCBM thrives and lives a very privileged life. This was HIS choice. I feel like her entitlement will go on until the kids are older and our family will have to miss out on things she and the step kids won't. It's making me enraged and I don't know what to do. He did this. Yes, he's trying to change it. Yes I married him knowing this. But, I can't get past the anger of what he did. I'm stuck on this resentment and I don't know how to get past it. Please be kind! I'm really struggling and trying to figure this out.
Why isn't it fair to be
Why isn't it fair to be resentful?
I don't have much wisdom on getting over resentment. Perhaps I have logic-ed myself into it not bothering me as much. I know that these problems aren't mine, and if I don't want to deal with them then I can leave. Granted, we don't have mutual kids (yet), so it's a lot easier. But I looked at the life I have, counted up what matters, factored in whether it's what I wanted, and came to the conclusion that staying outweighs leaving.
But I also hold my DH accountable. Being okay with the situation because the good outweighs the bad doesn't mean I will act like a doormat on everything. I came VERY close to leaving him in late 2019 (I'm not sure he realizes how close I came) because of his stupidity in regards to BM. The good no longer outweighed the bad, and if he didn't rectify the problem HE created, we were done. He rectified it, promptly, and I moved on.
There is a certain level of forgiveness and forgetness that comes with being in a relationship. If you're going to forgive you spouse for something, then you have to move past it. You can't hold it over their head or hold it in your heart. If you decide to stay, then you decide to blaze a new path forward. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't stay.
You're in the bad right now. I'm not surprised that you're resentful. The question you have to ask yourself is if you can figure out how to forgive and blaze forward. That's not something you'll likely be able to answer right now, but is something you need to ponder.
Yeah that's the thing. I have
Yeah that's the thing. I have kids. They have been through a lot of heartbreak. We have a home and they are finally starting to feel safe and secure again. Leaving? Not an option. I love my husband and I know these kids will be grown and gone and it will just be him and I and I'm happy about that so I ding want to leave. Yeah, he caused this problem and he's trying to rectify it but it's in the courts hands and if things stay the same? I'm scared my resentment will just grow stronger. It's eating me up. I don't know if I can get past it and leaving will just hurt my family more. I feel very stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I used to feel this way. I
I used to feel this way. I used to be so mad at DH for dating a sociopath. I used to be so mad that DH made choices that now impact our lives forever. I used to be mad that DH got BM pregnant at 19 (yes, she did get off birth control without telling him), but he should have been more responsible. I used to be mad that because he had SS with BM at age 19, it delayed our ability to have children due to financial burden. I used to think "Why BM but not me" I used to be mad that DH fought in court for SS, but it got him nowhere, blaming him for that. Ultimately, yes its not fair, but life is rarely fair.
Here is the point, we are all only human. You, me, and our DHs have all made choices. The difference is that their choices flow over into our lives and our choices don't. Your DH made a bad agreement with BM. You are reflecting on it as an outsider looking in, years after the agreement was made. Hindsight is always 20/20. You and likely your DH, don't even know why he agreed to that now, after living it. Things can look good on paper and be terrible in practice and most times, Dads will agree to all kinds of crazy things just to ensure they see their kids. My DH did this.
I've reflected on all of the agreements that have been made with BM. At the time, they all seemed like a sweet deal, increasing parenting time (at a snails pace, only adding days at a time), but it was better that the previous arrangement. After living through each agreement, I feel differently, hating every agreement that was made. We deferred to an attorney and court to write the wrongs and guess what, the system failed DH.
If things stay the same, as mine did, you accept that you and DH did all that you could to rectify choices made in the past. You accept that the court system is flawed. You do the best you can and you put very strong boundaries in place. You focus on your own family and supporting your kids. You try to find joy in the little things and try not to give BM much headspace. It's hard. I'm 8 years in and it's still not easy. At some point, the skids will age out and BM will become irrelevant. CS will end and you will suddenly have a surplus of income which will feel so good, while BM will lose her gravy train and have to cut back her lifestyle since she can no longer rely on DH. Karma is coming for BM, I promise, it just takes time.
Yes, the "countdown to 18" is
Yes, the "countdown to 18" is a real thing that SPs look forward to. Make sure a "launch plan" for SK is in place PRIOR to being 18 though. Dicuss with DH potential situations 1. moving away for college 2. finding a job and renting 3. living with BM... whatever the situation may be, but get on the same page. I would even start discussing, if SK needs to live with us TEMPORARILY, what would the timeline be? What will they contribute to the household? Discuss things like rent money, chores, holding a job or going to community college. Just make sure those plans are in place. I see far too often on here, SPs get SO excited for kids to turn 18, only to continue to reak havoc.
This site is very quick on
This site is very quick on the launch system when the child comes to 18. Why would any parent decide to kick out their kids at 18. They might not go to college, they might stay at home and work for another 5 years. I wouldn't kick mine out straight away but they would pay rent and help around the house. If they were decent kids then why would I kick them out. If they were doing okay financially I might say it is time to leave, but lets say they wanted to save for a deposit on their own place, I would help them as long as that is what they are doing.
Don't EXPECT any parent to kick their kids out just because they turn eighteen. You will be setting yourself up for a fall IMO.
You'd have to drop this on the BP so early on in the relationship, because when they time you drop it on them comes it's gonna be a bit of a shock. Basically I've put in the time now, so your children need to leave, but at the end of the day even though I look forward to the day mine are indpendent and leave, they will be doing it when I decide not when I've been pushed into it.
I don't mean that skids are
I don't mean that skids are DONE at 18. I just meant that CS ends and there is no need to communicate or "coparent" with BM anymore. There is no longer a legal obligation that BM could hold over DH after 18.
I think the key phrase here
I think the key phrase here though is "if they are decent kids" yep... if they were decent kids that wouldn't be in issue. But, they are not decent kids. I would not want to disengage from decent kids. They are absolutely disrespectful, rude, entitled and selfish. No way I'm having an ADULT like that in my home (after 18 they are not kids....they are grown ass adults) be decent?? Absolutely stay (with rent and a plan of course) but let an adult stay here recgion free expecting us to cater to them? Hell no.
100% Agree. It is totally
100% Agree. It is totally different if a SK is contributing to the household via rent, chores, etc. If the SK is disrespectful to other members of the house, no they don't have a "right" to stay just because they are DHs child.
And yes, at 18 the child support and custody agreement end. SKs can "choose" (parent allowing of course) who they want to visit and when. No need for "co-parenting" when the child is 18.
I agree. I have no problem
I agree. I have no problem with my SO helping out his troubled 21-year-old daughter. However, now BM1 suddenly wants to come to town and "coparent" with SO, after moving the girls out of state and refusing to speak to him for the last 15 years, just collecting CS. Fk that. He's already in a very bitter custody battle with BM2. I'm not dealing with drama from both of them. That's where i get off the crazy train. I know helping your kids may never end but at some point, baby mama drama needs to.
Don't EXPECT any parent to
Actually a person may be setting themselves up to fail, but maybe not. Unfortunately, in a blended family kids don't always get the benefit of what they may have received had their parents remained together. That's just life. If a spouse helps you raise your underaged kids until they are 18, then the parent should be grateful for that because that means not only did the kids benefit but also the parent because he or she had a helpmate. That parent should be considerate and realize their kids aren't remaining in the home much past 18 or 19. Expecting more than that is selfish. There is absolutely nothing wrong with launching the skids into adulthood about a year or so after graduation .Not sure why some humans are afraid to push their adult kids out into the world.
I have one family member who was married and they pushed their oldest 3 out of the nest at 18 and they have all done well in life. When their 4th child turned 17 she wanted to follow in the others footsteps so she joined the military like her older siblings. She is doing well in life also. I have another family member who was married and had a child. They got divorced, he remarried and they had 5 kids together. He told me he told his wife that their entire lives have been devoted to their kids and the kids activities. So he told her the kids needed to be launched at 18 or 19 years old because they are getting older, he is having health issues, and he wants them to be able to enjoy their lives as a couple. So what they have been doing is making sure the kids have a car and a small fixer-upper home. By 18 all 4 of the kids were independent and their youngest is in the 11th grade. He said the plan is to have the youngest launched by 19 also. It can and has worked for them. To be honest that relatives kids are some of the most polite, respectful, hardworking, and responsible kids I have ever met.
There is nothing wrong with teaching kids responsibility early on and launching them at 18 or 19 years old. It's a hell of a lot better than ending up with a bunch of irresponsible disrespectful leeches. Pretty much all of the people in my family 19 and up work and live independently (including my own young adult kids). So what a shock it was to meet my now ex, date him, end up in a relationship with him only to find out none of his kids were independent. Some of his adult kids had their own kids and still regularly called him for money. Even when he went off work sick and was getting sick pay they still called for money. That was a complete mess. I have no respect for people who don't teach their kids to be independent. His adult kids acted more like teenagers than young adults. Coddling a young adult is not a good idea imho.
Yes! I have never understood
Yes! I have never understood parents who want their kids to be leeches that are unproductive members of society and live in either mommy or daddy's basement. This only enables laziness IMHO of course.
We have our own baby OTW. I would absolutely miss my son at 18... but him showing independence, responsibility, and contributing to society would mean to me that I successfully did my job as a mother. I would be proud of him.
Sometimes kids are motivated on their own to move out. I surely was. And so was DH. College was my way out of a dumpy hometown. Some kids aren't as motivated and need encouragement, incentives, etc. from their parents... I don't view this as "kicking out though" more like not enabling your children and paralyzing them.
I don't mean that skids are
Luckily for us, BM maintains 85% custody of SS and he has no interest in being with us, so I don't think he will be coming here. He is very academically driven so I see him going to college. DH has already said that if SS needed to move in with us, it would be for a limit of 6 months and he would pay rent, his own groceries, and some of the utilities.
Oooh, how I wish I was you at
Oooh, how I wish I was you at moment in time
You're just rubbing it in now 
I just can't wait for age 18
I just can't wait for age 18 to rid ourselves of CS and BM. BM is honestly the biggest struggle. I dont have a problem with SS. DH said when that day comes and CS ends, he is blocking BM on everything and we are going on vacation.
I wish!!! Truly. DH is
I wish!!! Truly. DH is fighting for more time but I just wish he would let them decide to stay with her. He's so sad when they aren't here. It's SO HARD to admit that I don't want them here because it hurts DH so I feel disengaging might be best. DH still gets to see them but I don't have to engage more than I want to.
I like the fact another
I like the fact another person posted somewhere else :
At 18 it then becomes a contract between you and the child if they live at home. My contract would be if they pay their way, respect the rules they can stay for as long as they want. Well, within reason to be honest with you. I would be expecting them to save and that would be part of the contract if they were working.
I think resentment on some
I think resentment on some level is normal. Especially when DHs poor decisions (past and present) impact us. Whether it's CS, a terrible custody agreement, etc. I used to constantly tell DH, "This shouldn't become my problem."
This would be in regards to ANYTHING by BM. Changing the schedule last minute, dropping the ball with school, the list goes on. DH would have to be the one to deal with it. SD coming over last minute unplanned? Guess what, I'm not changing my plans because of BM. Even if my plans were to catch up on Netflix. As petty as that sounds, it was the only way to keep me sane. At times, I felt like BMs decisions and problems were affecting me.
Last year, she dumped SD off on us literally the night before her birthday. We were planning on not having her, so I immediately let DH know I wasn't going out last minute to buy gifts, plan a party, etc. We were sticking to the original plan/party we had. As they say "A lack of preparation on your part, does NOT make it an emergency on mine."
DH also told me for years, "timing isn't right yet" for starting a family because of all the drama with BM and SD. Court dates, psychology appointments, harassment etc. This was the time I was the MOST resentful. It definitely seemed that he was putting his "old family" first while putting ours on hold.
I remember flat out telling him one time "This is NOT what I signed up for when we got married, and yes, I do resent your life choices." Looking back, it was pretty harsh, but it was also the truth. I think that was also a wake-up call to DH that it was affecting me more than he thought. My advice: as harsh as it is, but as transparent as possible with DH.
I was also most resentful
I was also most resentful when it came to having kids. DH and I are planning on trying for our first this year and yes, the timing wasn't right until now, but it didn't make it hurt less. We have been together for 8 years (we met at 20 and 22). DH only dated BM on and off for 1.5 years. I always used to call him out that the timing wasn't right when 19 year old BM got pregnant either but they made that work. It always made me say "Why her but not me?"
Now, looking back, DH wanted to make sure we were financially secure so that we could enjoy having children and not feel like we were simply surviving paycheck to paycheck and never getting ahead. He wanted to make sure we could give our kids a good childhood, which was something DH didnt have growing up. But that didn't make it sting any less going through it.
Something you might try. DH
Something you might try. DH pays a shit ton of support to BM. So..... formulate the model that DH pays BM to raise the kids. So force her to raise the Skids. No additional money other than support. Take the SKids for very limited times and never, and I mean NEVER, take the kids at BM's request.
Force DH to get your money's worth out of paying BM to raise the Skids. Spend zero on the SKids beyond feeding them when they are visiting. Put all expenditures for the Skids on BM with "that is what CS is for, we already paid your mother for all of that".
I hope that the courts come through for you. Not likely, but I hope they do.
Also keep in mind that the NCP is not required to take the kid at all while the CP is responsible for the care and feeding of the kids whether the NCP accepts their COd visitation or not. The CO combined with a clear CS amount and the NCPs abaility to decline visitation are the best tools the NCP side has in maintaining some control in a blended family situation.
That helps! Thanks.
That helps! Thanks.
My DH paid CS for 4 skids for
My DH paid CS for 4 skids for 13 years. That grand total was over $100,000. He paid extras. She roped him into braces for straight teeth. His retirement took a huge hit. 3 of the skids are alienated.
Have him figure out what that grand total for CS is at today's rate. Then ask him again why pay for extras.
He doesn't pay for extras. He
He doesn't pay for extras. He pays what they agreed to originally. Nothing more. BUT the original agreement is very one sided and she wasn't working at the time so in his mind he wanted to make sure his kids didn't go without and that mom was viable. His heart was in the right place, his brain however was not! So, now we are stuck on this awful agreement paying literally thousands a month and we don't know if the judge will change it even though she makes 6 figures now. He signed it so we might be stuck with it and basically we won't have a ton in retirement because we just can't swing it and will have to stop contributing to cover costs of everything and anything these kids desire. I have my own retirement that of course will not be touched but it's nothing compared to DH's. If we keep paying like this? We are screwed! He didn't think! Grrrr!!
Going back to court for a
Going back to court for a financial review is common. We are allowed in this state once every 3 years. It sounds like that is what needs to happen. Be sure you have proper documentation for DH and the best factual info you have on BM.