I don’t love my StepDaughter
Hi all, this is my first post, so I'm still learning the ropes.
I hope this is the right place to post.
My stepdaughter is almost 15 and her father and I have had primary care of her since she was 2 1/2. Her bio Mother fled the scene when she was 5 and about 4 years ago sent us an email stating that she was no longer her mother and that SD was not allowed to contact her. Very sad for SD, obviously however she has very few memories of her BM and says she has never really been bothered. She is close to her Dad.
I have a son from a previous relationship and we have one child together, a girl who is nearly 11.
I don't know why, but I have just never warmed to my SD. She was a difficult toddler and has always been very attention seeking but I don't think it's that. I just...can't love her. I care about her welfare of course and I do everything for her that I would do for the other kids. I just...don't care that much about her.
I have no connection with her and never have.
I feel so guilty about it and it keeps me up nights because I am constantly wondering what's wrong with me.
Her Dad works a lot so most of the child raising of our kids has been left up to me. He agreed to take her on full time without discussing it with me as her BM had decided she wasn't cut out to be a parent and that was that. I never got any say in how it would go, I guess he assumed one more child for me to look after wouldn't matter
I was forced to give up my job as it was too expensive to have two young kids in child care, so her living with us did affect me I guess. Maybe I'm resentful?
Maybe I'm just an awful person. I don't really like her but I do my best to make sure she has a good life. I hope that's enough.
Don't be too hard on yourself
Don't be too hard on yourself. It's not really "natural" for us to LOVE the offspring of other humans.
I'm sure the fact that her own mother rejected her probably makes you feel more sympathy for her and that is partially factoring into what you call your guilt.. but the bottom line is that it is not your responsibility or obligation to love her.
As your DH's partner, it is enough to care for her.. to help him raise her and to care for her wellbeing.
In some ways.. you could say that many of the feelings you have towards her are "loving".. protective.. wanting the best for her.. concern for her feelings etc.. does it rise to the same all encompassing biological love a mother has for their own child? no... but that doesn't mean that it can't be some version of love.. or at the very least caring/like.
My feeling is that if you are able to help your DH raise her in a kind home.. with equitable treatment of all the kids.. and are able to be kind to her and show her you care about her wellbeiing.. well.. the "love" part is probably icing.. but the cake fills you up.
There is also the "fake it till you make it".. where you behave as though you have those feelings.. and perhaps at some point the shift occurs.. but it can't happen when you put pressure on yourself to do so
You're not obligated to love
You're not obligated to love her - and it's okay that you feel burdened by having to raise her when you didn't expect to.
Be prepared for BM to return in a few years - it seems to happen like clockwork around here. Once the hard work of raising them is over, the abandoning BM swoops in to play Mother of the Year and enjoy having an adult child who can serve her and give her status.
The myth that all SM's are
The myth that all SM's are spoon fed in every blended family is that you must love your skids...ummm no you don't have to love them!
The fact that you care for her and help take care of her is enough. The resentment you are feeling should be placed towards your husband not consulting with you as his "partner in life" and making a decision that affected you and your career directly! That was a d@ck move on his part and he should be apologizing daily and kissing your feet for giving up your career to raise his child.
There is no shame in how you are feeling, we have all feel/felt it.
Welcome to the site!
Couldn't have put it better than this ^^^
Thank you for all the replies
Thank you for all the replies everyone, it's very reassuring to hear that I'm not some monster.
I've carried it around for so long because the expectation was that I would love her like my own, and I've had immense pressure from my husbands family to treat her differently because her mother abandoned her. Meanwhile they treat my son like an outsider and always have.
Whatever it is, I'm really glad to hear other people have felt this way. I've considered leaving my husband before because of my lack of feelings for his daughter, but it's so hard because we are truly in love, I adore him.
It's perfectly natural to not
It's perfectly natural to not love someone else's offspring. I feel the relationship with an SK is no different than any other mature relationship. We bond with people based on similar interests, personality, and overall enjoyment of spending time with that person.
We will never have and cannot force a natural bond because we did not give birth to these children and develop that initial bond.
Think about how many BP abandon their own children. But we are the bad ones if we don't love them.