In negotiation about a few things. Need advice (extremely HCBM)
We have an extremely HCBM. She manipulates everything and if we are not absolutely completely crystal clear and things are not very detailed and spelled out then she finds loopholes and we have to go through Attorney’s again to prove her wrong. So our biggest issues are extra curricular activities with her over Scheduling. The judge told her not to overschedule them but she was too vague so HCBM thinks whatever she wants them to do is not over scheduling. So we need very specific language around this. They are older too (we have tween/teens) so we want to be reasonable but also not give in to her every demand because it's wayyyy too much.
Any other advice on what to put on a CO with an over the top extremely HC parent? What has worked best to keep them under control?? Right now she's out of control and has zero boundaries. DH has put up as many as he can but we need boundaries that are legally enforceable. Thanks!
We found that no matter how
We found that no matter how tight the language, BM still found loopholes. I swear she studied that thing.
Anyway, I'd agree that no more than one sports team and one art or instrument per season (specify the seasons) is probably as good as you can do. Maybe wording about not being on travel teams, since they are the more expensive ones, unless they meet some criteria for skill, but I don't know how you'd specify that.
We have it say one activity
We have it say one activity at a time and father's parenting time takes precedence over any extra curricular activities or sports. However, we are long distance, so it is a little easier to justify that aspect. BM tried for years to schedule him so that SS could never visit due to whatever she enrolled him in.
Not that any of that matters... HCBM's always seem to win. The kids always get f'ed up in the mess.
Even one sport can be too much!
I like JMTB's version the best. One activity at a time and father's parenting time takes precedence. One of my kids was in a travel sport. Practice twice a week, all day tournaments (drive 2 hours there, play for hours, drive 2 hours back took up a whole Saturday, and some tournaments went for a whole weekend). I would definitely put in wording about elite teams, travel teams etc. or you'll find yourself saddled with "elite" sports that SK doesn't play well and the time and hotel bills to go with it! It doesn't mean you won't support it. It just means you have a say!
Activities:
Activities:
Our bm had her kids signed up for everything starting around 4 years old. 12months a year. It grossly interfered with dh's small window of visitation.
One evening when he drove the hours long drive one way to pick them up...bm was screaming on the phone for DH to take the kids to practice. He finally had the guts to tell her to pound sand.
Turns out the Judge didnt mind either. The Judge didnt blink an eye.
There use to be a time OP when activities could not interfer with ncp time. The cp was put in his or her place.
Double check your states laws on this topic. Is it one that your dh was to push his heals in?
Your bm will run you all over the country IF you let her. That is the nature of divorced kids activities, then before you know it kids are in traveling teams $$$$$.
You can say no. AND you can counter that by saying they need a part time job
at 15 or 16??
Too late. All of this has
Too late. All of this has already happened and we are paying thousands in extra curriculars. Which is what we are fighting against
Maybe have it say that
Maybe have it say that neither parent is obligated to pay for half of or enable on their parenting time more than one extracurricular activity at a time, and are not obligated to facilitate participation on more than 2 days per week. For this they are not obligated to travel more than x amount of miles (30 maybe?) and that anything more than that is at the parent's discretion. It allows for more but doesn't obligate.
Also, my CO states that each
Also, my CO states that each parent is entitled to at least 2 weeks of travel vacation per year. The other parent has to be notified i think at least 2 weeks before, and the first to claim their 2 weeks gets it if there is a dispute. Maybe have yours say that for vacations, the child is exempt from extracurriculars. No make-up needed. I guess if things are really high conflict there could be a dispute about vacations during the big tournament or something. We never fought over extracurriculars, and i didn't realize that the courts involve themselves in recreational activities. That seems frivolous to me.
Her biggest thing is extra
Her biggest thing is extra curriculars. She fills up their schedules so much it's ridiculous. She is a narcissist to the 10th degree (many therapists have said this, I'm not diagnosing her) and she expects these kids to be trophy children. They MUST make her look like mother of the year. She does their schoolwork for them to make sure they get good grades and everything. So the extra curriculars?? She wants then in everything so she can say "my child is on a travel team" "my child is in chess club" plus it takes up all of DH's time so bonus there! She lied in court about activities and it was just a MESS!
Cut to the chase. She cannot
Cut to the chase. She cannot schedule them for anything that their father does not agree to.
End of BM's manipulative crap. Have that put in the CO during the next round of her bullshit in court.
DH will have to document, document, document everything. His agreement and his rejection of her proposals. If she signs his kids up for anything without his approval, he needs to immediately shove a contempt motion up her ass and drag her to court so the Judge can smack her around over her manipulative crap.
Though we did not have this level of toxic crap from our blended family opposition, after all the visitation schedule my SS was on was long distance which limited their opportunities to be toxic, we learned early that when they manipulated we smacked them in court, financially, and socially. They would then crawl back under their slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool until the memory of their pain and humiliation faded and they would once again try their manipulative crap. To be met with a repeat of legal, financial, and social humiliation.
Some people are so toxic and manipulative that they can only be met with total confrontation of their crap.
That puts the onus on BM to be proactive in attempting to gain your DH's agreement.
Yeah but she manipulates the
Yeah but she manipulates the courts. She says the kids want nothing more than to do the activity and it's their dream and they are exceptional at it (none of which is true at all) and DH just doesn't care. All he cares about is not having to take them. Yeah. Do there's that.