Secrets in Stepland
I said something to DH about how BM was getting divorced (confirmed by looking her up in the state court system). He replied that he noticed several months ago that her car was the only one at the house and she parked it in the middle of the driveway. Neither skid has said anything to DH about it. These are the same kids who tell BM what they had for lunch at our house (one of them literally tells her things like this), yet they don't tell DH that their stepdad and stepbrother moved out?
It got me thinking - how weird is it that I have two people (SSs) who live in my house EOWE and are supposed to be part of my family, yet, I don't even know basic things about their lives, like who lives in their house. Stepland is a very weird place sometimes...
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I hear you. For the longest
I hear you. For the longest time, the 3 of the skids told BioHo every freaking thing that happened in home. And I mean everything. 'Ho called DH one time to ask where I bought a box of colored pencils because she wanted to get some. I wouldn't be surprised if she knew what brand of peanut butter I ate or how many pairs of socks DH had. ~eyeroll~
In their last mediation, BM's
In their last mediation, BM's lawyer sent a letter that went into great detail about our home. The things were true for the most part and also incredibly boring, like how I would spend weekends working in my room. Yes, I would sometimes work on weekends and would also watch tv in my room to avoid being around overly dramatic SS. BM's letter only proved my need to do things like that to keep away from SS's prying eyes.
Another time, BM complained to DH about the brand of cold medicine DH gave to SS, saying SS was "scared" to take it because it was "adult" medicine. SS was a teen and over 150 lbs, so likely an adult in terms of cough medicine dosing. Meanwhile, other SS is taking anti-anxiety meds only approved for use in adults and we only know because for some reason BM copied DH when she sent the "medical" forms to their school. This medication is supposed to be taken daily at the same time....does SS bring it with him when he comes to our home? Maybe...maybe not. Again, why would BM bother to tell us...
Ermagawd, you spent time in
Ermagawd, you spent time in your room?! What gall!!!
Seriously though, these BMs are insane enough to believe they have a right to know every minute detail of our lives. Puh-lease.
Crazy isn't it
Ss here exactly the same. First we knew that bm had sold up and moved in with bf was when dh got text a new collection address. But we knew something was up with sensitive ss for several weeks as he was often ashen tired and tearful but would just say he was tired.
Bd says in mediation other week ' he never opens up to anyone, nobody knows how he feels' er yea maybe that's because he was brought up to keep secrets. The shame of it is she's damaged him in asking him not to tell stuff that dh doesn't give a damn about. Why do they do it?
Yeah, BM will tell us that
Yeah, BM will tell us that one SS "never open up" and "doesn't share his feelings", but then will also tell DH that she "just knows" how he feels, especially that, according to BM, he feels sad that DH does not do more for him (i.e. by doing more for BM).
Mom is covering her tracks
Our BM did this, too. But the things she was covering up were big, like "I'm abusing pain pills", "I'm pregnant by BF", "My boyfriend and I fight all the time in front of the SKs" and "I blew the CS so the utilities will be turned off". Just little things that DH might have blown his top about, nothing serious. Smh.
When DH and BM were married
When DH and BM were married she hid her abuse of pain pills (not very well, because she used to take DH's pain pills and then claim she accidentally threw them out and used to ask DH to ask his doctor for more, "just in case" he needed them). She also hid how much money she was spending at the casino, which came back to bite DH when he discovered how terrible their finances really were. All that is to say, who knows what else is going on with SSs that we have no idea about.
Spawn lived with us full time
Spawn lived with us full time and we knew nothing about her, she was raised to be very secretive and to lie. My DH would pick her up from Meth Mouth and ask "how was your weekend" an innocent enough question. Spawn would hurl back "really that's none of your business!"
Oh but it would piss Spawn off to no end that we wouldn't talk about anything in front of her, or share stuff we did when she was gone on her weekends. She would try to weasel it out of our children, so I developed a nasty habit of being around my kids all the time when she would try to talk to them in private.
One SS will try to get info
One SS will try to get info from me. He's asked me random questions about my job or money that I know he's not interested in. He will also ask us for codes to things like our garage, our alarm, Netflix, etc. I tell him. "you don't need to worry about that, because we'll always be here.
Same here on both ends. DS
Same here on both ends. DS doesn't dare say a word about what goes in at his father's house and SKs will be punished if they say anything to SO about what goes on at BMs.
But BM wants constant updates about what goes on at our house. I don't really give a flying furry I have nothing to hide, but SO is so paranoid because of his history with BM and being dragged into court.
I just laugh because I worked for the family court for 13 years and am friends with the judges and attorneys so I dare her to say a bad word about me.
My DH could care less and
My DH could care less and really we have nothing to hide, but I care because it feels like such an invasion of privacy and because BM always likes to act like she knows things about us. I also hate it on principle and wonder how I'm supposed to feel like SS is part of my family, when he's BM's little spy.
You can't feel like an
You can't feel like an alienated kid is part of your family. I don't consider SS21 part of my family - he's my husband's son.
Oh yes, it's a big part of
Oh yes, it's a big part of alienation. My SS was generally not very good at it, so we got glimpses into the chaos at BM's, but usually after the thing had happened, not during. He must have thought there was a statute of limitations on secrets, when I'm sure BM wanted him to keep them forever.
The irony is that overly
The irony is that overly dramatic SS, the one who is enmeshed with BM, is the one who is desperate to share things with DH. I think he needs a release valve. He sometimes says things and I'm not even sure if he realizes what he's revealing. For example, when he and DH went to joint counseling he said, "I talk to my mom all the time about my relationship with you and she says it's bad." Before our daughter was born, BM sent DH a message telling him how upset SS was over the whole thing and how DH was so selfish to have another child. DH called SS to ask if he was okay. He said he was fine and asked DH why he would ask that. DH said, "your mother said you were really upset." SS again said he wasn't and that he never said anything to BM. He then called DH back later and said, "I may have said something to mom. She was really upset when I told her and I didn't know what to do." You'd think, based on DH's calm reaction to all this and the fact that SS is aware that BM can't resist telling DH what he's said, that SS would do himself a favor and stop feeding BM and stop pushing DH away, so he could avoid the drama, but BM has been working on him for at least 9 years (I'm sure alienation was going on when BM and DH were married, too, so likely longer), but he can't seem to break himself free of the cycle.
Here's one for a flip...
Here's one for a flip... Christmas 2016. I found out Xmas eve that BM and then bf (now husband) had plans so she wasn't keeping the skids until SO got out of work. I had planned to drop skids off at her house at 10am Christmas Day and I was going to meet up with SO at his job and hang out because he wasn't getting home till 6.
Well apparently BM and husband got into a fight etc and she gushed to SO about this but said... "don't tell missk about it." Like really... First: why would I care (at the time things were still "cool") and second: he is in a relationship with me not you.
This also came up when her and I got into our text war in feb 2018 which lead to court. One of the things she said was "her conversations with SO were HER conversations and I had no business knowing about them!"
LOLLLL OKKKK!!! Maybe because you keep secrets your except your ex husband to not share things with his significant other. Mind you ... she cheated on SO that's why they divorced.
Things have drastically changed since then but, funny to think about now. The control she thought she had was entertaining.
My MiL tries that sometimes,
My MiL tries that sometimes, telling DH something and then saying, "don't tell struggling". I tell my DH that as soon as he starts having secrets with someone else, we have a big problem. I'm his wife, his mother is not! I'm sure BM would have secrets with him if he would allow it, especially now that she's single.
This must be a thing. We have
This must be a thing. We have had this happen. Skids not mentioning when Mum had a new move in boyfriend or were planning overseas trip. At the same time BM would quiz the skids to discover anything we may have bought or anywhere we may have been. If I was in the kitchen preparing a meal I would hear skid reporting this to BM on the phone as well as where abouts DH was. Some of this was because if I was not there she would have skid check DH's diary to see if he had anything of interest in there.
It seems like a lot of HCBM's
It seems like a lot of HCBM's follow the same playbook. They have an extreme need to know every little detail about their ex's life coupled with the need to keep everything secret from the ex. I think it's because they haven't moved on. I don't like leaving SSs alone in our house for the same reason you mentioned. I hide all important mail in our bedroom to fend off snooping. BM once told DH that SS only knew what amount of child support DH paid because he must have opened BM's mail and seen the check. I know that's a lie - BM told him the amount - but it only feeds the narrative that SS is nosy.
Raises Hand
HCGUBM 12:7
Skids must always keep private what goes on at the mothership but will require a full report on what happens at biodad and SM's house.
When the Girhippo's pipe dream biz went under and we were on our way to drop off the ferals back to her brick and mortar, OSS said for us to drop them off at the mothership instead. Then SD blurted out "mom went out of business!" OSS quickly chastised SD and said "SHHH! We are not supposed to say that!"
Love it!
Love it!
More secrets
Turns out skids are going with BIL next weekend (SS couldn't resist sharing). This BIL doesn't even know my phone number, didn't even respond when I asked him what his kids wanted for Christmas, and after six years, his kids don't even know who I am, yet any time BM needs a favor (even if it involves helping her plot against DH) he's there, falling all over himself to help. Of course, why would he let DH know? Also, DH has tried to make plans with BIL and kids in his weekends with SSs, but BIL is either not interested or "busy".
I wonder if he knows that BM is getting divorced...
DH asked the kids some question about the stepbrother and they lied and acted like he still lived at their house. Meanwhile, stepdad has updated his status on FB to single and indicated he is living in a different town (this is all public...he and I are not "friends").
Ugh...I hate the secrets and lies of stepland.