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SD lies about not having a toothbrush here

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 9:13am

So no drama when BM dropped off SD, but she did send a toothbrush and toothpaste with because SD told her she didn't have a toothbrush here.

I asked SD why she didn't just tell us she needed one (she said she lost hers) and she just said idk. She's told us she needed another toothbrush tons of times before. Idk why that would even get brought up to BM.

I'm so sick of having to "prove" to DH that she can't be trusted. We both know the over the top perfect act in person and lying behind your back his both BMs and SDs MO. Its been going on since SD was in kindergarten and at this point I'm so over it I can't even empathize with DH anymore. Like today, he clearly got his hopes up because she didn't have a snotty attitude when she got dropped off. But then he found out the toothbrush thing and got all pissy.

Oh and since you gave away that you read this, Hi DH!

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 10:25am

The worst part is that he mopes around over a freakin' toothbrush. He lets his moods go up and down around how SD is behaving - that's called enmeshment.

Hi, DH!

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 10:44am

Yeah - just reading a couple articles quickly I can see a degree of that. In the beginning it was def more extreme but it's not gone now either.

Interestingly, MIL is really strongly like that with both SIL and SD. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Submitted by Dogmom1321 on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 11:21am

Geez, how manipulative. (SD that is) I'm sure it came up in conversation somehow and SD went along with it to gain attention/sympathy.

A few weeks ago when SD was at BMs house, she text DH.

BM: "Did you know SD cut a big chunk out of her hair??"

DH: "No I didn't notice."

DM: "Well she said she used her SMs craft scissors just FYI."

Me: WTF, I don't even do crafts. Obviously SD was just looking for someone to blame for her poor decisions. Turns out she stole the kitchen shears and took them up to her room. Far from the truth. DH said BM was just looking to blame me. He has gotten better about constantly being in denial, but sometimes I have to remind him SD is her own person and her antics sometimes are HER, not always fueled by BM. 

 

Hey DH!  Smile

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 11:33am

Oh yeah, the lies. A funny one: SS was taking French and BM is apparently fluent. I used to occasionally help him (my choice) with his homework and he'd laugh when I'd butcher the French words.  Then he went and told BM I was fluent in French (probably to upset her or get out of doing his homework there). She send DH a snarky email saying she'd heard I was fluent in French, is it Parisian or Quebecois? We laughed for days about that.

Many of his lies were not so funny though - told BM DH smashed his school-issued iPad, forced him to go to school in shorts in the winter, screamed in his face - all to get out of things he'd done wrong himself.  Looking back I can see he told us a lot of lies about BM as well, and we sometimes bought them.  He's a skilled liar now.

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 11:40am

Haha that makes me think of when I first started dating DH. BM was questioning him about me to size me up and see if she was better than me and asked if I had a college degree. I do, and its a higher degree than her. I also owned a home on my own and she absolutely refused to believe that. She's sooo stuck up about her 2 year liberal arts degree from a crappy tech school that is basically extended high school. And I mean really there's nothing wrong with her degree, but how can you go around acting like thats basically a doctorate?

Also, funny that SD has told nearly the same lie. She told the school she didn't have winter clothes when she refused to wear boots.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 11:32am

SD wants to control the and cause drama between you and BM.   "See how I can make BM jump through hoops". " see how I can make SM look bad "  You all must be careful  because I can run you all round in circles.

Disengage from this game.  One you will never win. Two why let this take up space in your mind.  

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 11:36am

Why let it take up space in my mind? Because they do have the potential to cause big problems with bigger lies. 

Thank God SD will hardly be here now.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 11:39am

Exactly. I don't know what YSD tells her mom but BM provides her with toothpaste, toothbrush, soap, sanitary items, etc. for our home. It's my belief that if YSD needs these things she can let us know as we've told her many times. She simply will not ask. DH will not follow through on the issues so I let it go. There's nothing I can do. Just forget it and move on.

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 11:46am

The toothbrush thing itself is an eyeroll. But this site is for venting and discussing steplife.

I can't really just dismiss the lies because there has been worse ones, and I'm 99% sure they're going to continue to evolve as she gets older to the types of lies that are more serious because BM did/does the same thing. IE - lies about abuse. 

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 11:53am

Oh I know about venting.

I suspect your SD will PAS out....OSD called out DH to BM about verbal abuse but it wasn't. It was parenting.

But do you have any parental responsibility with SD at all or is it all on DH?

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 12:18pm

I suspect the same. I didnt think she would because I didn't think BM would ever take her fulltime. But with that theory clearly wrong, she probably will. 

I'm not sure what exactly you mean by parental authority - DH lets me parent her, he actually prefers I do so he doesn't have to. At this point though I only step in when it affects me or my household. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Submitted by Dogmom1321 on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 2:52pm

Yes, it's called parenting! My favorite is when SD says "You're tHrEaTeNiNg me." when DH says something like "no electronics until you clean your room." *eyeroll* Then he gets a text from BM saying that because SD has anxiety, the way he "threatens" her "hits different" and needs to go easy on her because "she's on her cycle FYI"

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 11:47am

Your SD didn't exactly lie, though, if she lost her toothbrush at your house (not even sure how that happens). Telling BM that she didn't have one at your house was the truth. She, like a lot of kids (and some adults), just didn't explain the whole situation.

Frustrating, I know. Your DH should let BM know that SD lost her toothbrush and never told him.

Had she told BM that you guys refused to get her a toothbrush, then I would be pissed.

 

 

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 12:12pm

I'm not sure what she told BM, but to clarify - we have a big pack of them that they get a new one from when their old one is gross or whatever. Its not a new thing and she knows we have more. So I guess it was kind of a half lie because she knows we have more, there just hadnt been another one specifically assigned to her.

Also, for a little more background this is a habit so I'm kinda basing it on past experience that she probably exaggerated it to BM. She told her grandma she didn't have any pajamas or stuffed animals (she had an insane amount of both), said we bought thing for ODS (that she wanted) that we hadn't so that she could get others to buy it for her, cried to her teacher dramatically that she had no winter clothes when she did, etc.

I would normally agree with telling BM that, but DH isn't going to say a word to her now after she's told him he has to go to therapy based on SDs word alone (that he doesn't spend enough time with her) or hes not allowed to have her more than 2 days a week. She'll just use it as a jumping off point for going off on why he's a horrible parent.

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 12:28pm

Sure SD technically didn't have a toothbrush..but she knew where she could just grab a new one.  She lied by omission...and that is still a lie.  To me that is even worse....just enough truth but not the whole truth.

SD here also won't ask for stuff either....like how hard it is to say...yo can I get a tooth brush...or I need more deordorant...drives me INSANE.  Dh and I are not omniscient... we don't know when you run out.  I don't know if SD says anything to Beaver....since Beaver would never ever ever buy SD anything to bring here.

I would wager to bet that SD is feeding BM a line of bull crap about DH not spending tiiiimmmmmmeee wiiiiith her...blah blah blah. 

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 12:37pm

Yeah I would bet the same. She's acting happy and like everything is perfectly normal, which makes it hard to see why exactly she needs to be at BMs fulltime. I mean, that's what I prefer also, but it doesn't make sense.

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 2:29pm

SD usually has a full kit of toiletries that BM sends for her because our stuff isn't good enough. However every time SD is here she always wants a fresh toothbrush. I think she just wants it just cuz she can. This shit adds up after a while and there are half a dozen toothbrushes in the guest room in various places. I freaking hate it. Of course I look like a monster when I tell my DH that she should use the other toothbrush from the last visit. Nope SD treats her toothbrushes like they are one time use disposable things. I started to try to give her the freebie ones that I get from the dentist but she wants a good one.

 

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Sat, 01/16/2021 - 2:46pm

Does BM let her use a new toothbrush every day? That's ridiculous. These kids are so effing spoiled.