I would get my own place, move out and tell him he can come too but that there is never more than one queen per castle. It's time his daughter became an adult. 

It is obvious your DH has no problem with his daughter living with him forever.  The fact she was already there for YEARS before you got married should have been a big clue that things weren't going to change with your wedding vows.

Plain and simple, your DH was already married to his daughter long before you became his wife.  This is not going to change.

I suggest you contact a lawyer and begin immediate legal proceedings to get a divorce.   

Did he mislead you about how long she would live there? Or did you think you'd be okay with her there? 
 

Either way, I'd have a frank conversation with him about the fact that other plans for her need to be made, or it could end your marriage. 

Honestly,  I would tell my husband he could only live with one of us, and I'd be prepared to move out.  But I would never have married him in the first place if his 30 year old daughter was living with him for anything more than a defined, temporary stay.

Hadenough34, you should have talked to him about this early on, like even prior to getting engaged. Never assume a problem like this will ever just go away. 

How long had your DH been single prior to meeting you? If it was for a significant amount of time., my guess is that the situation with his daughter was the issue. Two years of living with you and your DH is more than enough time for his daughter to move and start her own life.  It's quite disrespectful to think she can live with her dad and you indefinitely. It's time for a move out plan for her, or I would be the one moving out if I were you.

Your SD is NOT going anywhere and that's a fact.

You have two choices.

1. Put up with it.

2. Leave.

I'd go with the second choice personally.

If she is still living home after 32 and has never lived on her own. She is going to. I would start looking for my own place. She probably plans on staying there until she inherits the house or finds a man to move in with.

Tell him that if she isn't out b by 1/02/21, you will be leaving. Tell him that you married him and didn't expect to have a lodger for life sitting in the middle of your marriage. If she isn't gone by then, you'll be leaving and having your sham of a marriage annulled. 

I wouldn't have married him in the first place TBH. This isn't something that came up AFTER marriage. This was already happening. 

I think these conversations are easier if there are SKs and they start to approach 18. Timeline, college, working, etc. But obviously your DH already decided he was okay with this before he even met you. 

1. You have asked us for an acceptable timeline. Here is my take on this: Give her 60 days. This is enough time to get her act together, find a new place and get her stuff cleared out (after all those years living there Im thinking shes accumulated a LOT of stuff!) March 1st. TELL dont ASK your DH that this WILL be happening. Meanwhile up the rent. It really depends on market rates. I would say 600 to include internet and all utilities. This would also provide incentive to move because it is market rate, in our area at least. Check craigslist or ask a realtor.

2. She parks on the street. Shes a renter, to you, not a daughter, especially with how she treats you. He is on the older side if he is retiring soon, but you need to get her independent now because you are depressed now. Make this crystal clear in your discussions with DH. I say discussions because there will be more than one necessary, as you work out the details.

3. There will be pushback because they are enmeshed. Look that up if its unfamiliar to you. Now that Ive been around Steptalk for over 4 years, this is what I would have thought even in the dating phase with this guy. He wont give up this situation easily is my guess, because he is so used to bending himself into a pretzel to please princess SD. The enmeshment has had time to become deeply rooted.

4. Have a talk with HER as well, or be included in the discussion. I know it might seem like a good idea if this all comes from DH, but Im over 6 years in, and I can tell you that doing things as a united team will serve you well in the future. I still have SD21 Feral Forger asking her father if she can move into OUR home that WE own TOGETHER. Like its just HIS decision. I encourage you to establish yourself as Queen Bee of your household. Redecorate. Remodel (because it sounds like you want to move out and if you own it you can make more money). This will also get you on a more cheerful track because you arent feeling as stuck.

It truly sucks going into a situation like this, especially if she is treating you like dirt. Her moods bad? Not your DH's problem and certainly not YOU problem. She needs to go.

You can present it like I do to SD14 and DH: You want her to be a strong independant woman able to stand on her own two feet and have a happy healthy life. SD14 likes this and wants to go to college and wants to be independant and live with her friends. She gets excited at the thought of driving and having a job.

Contrast with SD21 who has no drivers license, lives with the toxic mother, barely graduated highschool with D's, and no college or community college and most of the time no job.

As someone who wants her SD20 to move out ASAP, the best advice is to talk to your husband. As hard as it's going to be, tell him you need a timeline and set it. 3 months or less is reasonable. She is way too comfortable in your home and if you don't set the timeline and expectations it won't happen. I have been off and on in therapy dealing with my own BS SD. She has it easy in my home too but my husband and I are finally on same page that she will be moving out. Just for me it's not soon enough!!

Suggest that for your mental health, you both start shopping for that retirement home sooner rather than later and put the existing house up for sale ASAP.   Nothing like a for sale sign in the yard to get the message across to your SD that she's leaving.  She doesn't need to be consulted in that decision, it's not hers to make.  She's not retiring with you.  Tell her it's just business, not personal, lol.  

I had a situation where my SD (32 at the time)  moved into our home while we were on vacation, got a key from the person watering our plants,  It nearly ruined our newlywed year, and she went everywhere with us.   I still shudder to think of that time.  Hubby didn't see a problem with her living in our lower level while she took her sweet time looking for her own place.  I felt very betrayed, because I did not marry into this predicament but it was forced on me just 4 months into our marriage.  
 

I didn't stay quiet about it either, but got the church elder couple to help him see the light how  unfair and unhealthy this was to me.  
 

We got SD an extended stay hotel room, paid the first two months for her and then she was on her own.  We moved out to the countryside so she will never think she has a place here.  I never invite her over either, except big family parties on holidays, once or twice a year.  

I would never have married a guy that was living with his adult daughter, big red flag.  But you don't need people warning you after the fact, I'm sure. 
 

The important thing is, it's never too late to do the right thing.  I would suggest your new house be at least an hour away, so the other woman in your DH's life isn't tempted to drop in and hang out.  That's what worked for me.  
 

Are you in a position to move out on your own if things don't improve?  For example, could you offer as a solution that you will move out for the next 16 months or until your husband is ready to sell his old home and move into a new house with you? I think the first step is to get out of the house that your DH shares with SD that predates you.  If you're like me, you'll never feel comfortable in "their" home.... for that reason, I don't think the answer is just, how can I get SD to move out; rather, I think it is time to focus on finding a home together, and agree in advance that you are not comfortable with having any other adults living with you, or staying for longer than [one week] for as guest on a vacation.  

Curious if your DH passes on before you who gets the house? Is this house both of yours, or is it his mini wifes? 

Is there a protective clause in his will so that his kids can't demand the sale of the house when he dies, in order to get their inheritance?

I am beyond words on this one..

For anyone considering a man who has an adult daughter (or son) living at home with him, do.not.do.it.  You will be absolutely miserable.  There is rarely an exception and you aren't it!  I recently learned of a newly single, divorced-again dad whose young adult daughter has moved back home and I believe just to ensure that her dad stays hers (Her recent and now former SM and her didn't get along because the daughter and her dad are having visible emotional incest, at the least, and the SM split.  She'd undoubtedly had enough of her husband drooling in to his daughter's boobs while she played with her cleavage for him.)!

Just put it in reverse!  Hadenough34, give him the ultimatum and if he doesn't move on it and she's not out within a month, you put it in reverse and leave him.  

I'm in the same situation, my 32 year old SD is lving with us. She was with her mom and couch surfing before that in Florida, but then dad decided to move her to Alaska in June of last year. I feel for you. It's awful feeling uncomfortable in your own home and have a husband who's head is in the sand. I wish both of us luck. 

Love moves through different stages and levels in a relationship. Early on, people tend to do "whatever it takes" to make the other person comfortable and happy, in an effort to prove their love and loyalty.

As time moves the relationship forward, and roles are established and comfortable, there may not be that willingess to please the other person, but rather to stay firmly rooted in their routines ("...but we've always done it THIS WAY") or "comfort zone."

Men , in particular, become very strange  creatures when their comfort levels are disrupted. Everyone else can suffer, but them. You have been uncomfortable. Talking to SD and asking her to move out will be uncomfortable. Almost ANY TYPE OF CHANGE can spark feelings of discomfort, however, change facilitates growth. Remind him that marriage is contractual and binding, whereas playing dadddeee to a 32 year old ADULT is NOT.

As time goes on, your DH may see it as you are the one who is causing conflict and strife, because, after all, he was living with his mini-wife YEARS before you showed up on the scene.

Couples need to present as a united front. That's why you both need to be present when the "moving day" conversation happens. It could begin with, "You know I am inside 2 years of retirment, and need to downsize. With that comes a smaller home, less square footage, LESS MONEY (retired) and because of that, you'll find it necessary to make other independent living arrangements." Confrontation need not be down and dirty, but factual.

I don't agree with finding your own place or moving out because once that happens, you'll be demonized and SD will continue to work on his head, "...see daaadddy, SHE'S OUR PROBLEM, look at how happy we are without HER!" Not sure what kind of relationship you have, or how strong it is, but it seems this would pose a problem, possible destroying your marriage, whereas looking for a new home together, would forge a bond. You would be working as a team for a common goal.

The best thing to do is for YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND to begin looking for that retirement home and downsizing. I'd be going through a box or two a day of clutter, posting it on FB Marketplace, Craigslist, or wherever. Show him you are taking the initiative, and that transitioning from working full-time to retirement is a PROCESS. It starts small, (clearing clutter) and works up to the big move.

Best of luck!