How do you disengage from hateful adult skids?
I'm looking for any advice I can get. Been with my now husband 2.5 years, recently married 12/11/2020, suddenly the 2 middle daughters are waging war alongside minor son. I've had a lousy year I don't have it in me to give a shit anymore. They don't like the fact I'm a stepmother, then fine, they don't have to like it but they will have to accept it when they are in my home.
That being said, how do you go from trying to be a loving bonus mom to nachoing? I've tried, I'm done trying. I've had the 23 year old try and file false abuse of the minor boy on me, and now the 19 year is being passive aggressive, all concurrently with the minor SS who we have 50% of the time who looks right through me in my own home and who tried to lie to police until they saw right through him and admonished him.
I love my husband, he is my soulmate and he has defended me to each one of these children and is appalled by their behavior. I want him to have a relationship with them, but I'm done. When they get older they may come to their senses and that's fine but in the interim I'm done with these 2 adult girls and their bullshit.
Thank you for listening, I just feel so lost right now. I've been there for both of these girls when their mother tossed them out and now they have a problem with me being their SM? Really?? At a total loss right now.
You don't have to be a
You don't have to be a stepmother. Just be your husband's wife, who is a mature, polite adult. And I was going to say that you should treat them like crappy coworkers until I read the second paragraph...
So. Avoid those bees at all costs. Never be alone with SS. NEVER! If your DH is not home, SS cannot be there. Your DH can visit with his horrid daughters away from your home.
Stepkids turning in their stepparents in not uncommon here at STalk. Read and read, then read some more.
This.
Don't be their stepmom. No need to run around and get them gifts, cook them meals if they visit, etc. A polite hello when they arrive and goodbye when they leave.
And don't be alone with minor SS. He will have to go when he is older, and don't let SD's live with you, ever. If they have stuff in your marital home, tell them to move it out or it goes to a storage unit that you will only pay the first month of.
Disengagement means you don't interact let alone parent them, but doesn't mean you don't demand and receive respect when they are in your home.
We have SS14 50% of time
I've taken to documenting everything I do when he's here and husband is at work. I text friends with play by play of my day so there is a paper trail and text husband. I'm usually only alone with the boy for a few hours at most. He's not a bad kid, but his mother is a pathological and a psycho. The girls don't have to come back to my home as far as I'm concerned until they can accept our new normal.
Get a nanny cam.
If you must be alone with the minor then at least get a nanny cam for evidence should you need it again.
Nanny cam for sure.
Nanny cam for sure.
Thank you, guys
Only Tuesday, and this week has sucked. Found out my mother has tested positive thank God still asymptomatic and today is my birthday and the 8 month anniversary of my grandmother passing.
The girls do not live with us, never have. They have stayed here though when mother tossed them out. My husband is appalled by their behavior. I wish I could say it surprises me, it doesn't. These are children that were raised to be abusive of each other and their father. It's a long story, saying his ex is a psycho is no understatement. I'll post a fuller story this week. It's nice to know I have people who get it who I can talk to. Thank you, all of you, truly from my heart.
Welcome
My sympathies on having recently lost your Grandmother ((HUGS)) in addition to your step-situ; hope you somehow got to enjoy your birthday. Glad you found this website.
Marrying someone doesn't make
Marrying someone doesn't make you stepmother to their kids - it's a term used legally yes, but emotionally, you aren't a mother figure unless they see you as such, and that takes time and building a relationship. They don't have to accept you in any way, that's their choice. Sometimes it never happens.
You chose to do things for them, they don't owe you anything in return.
That being said, you have the right to set up firm boundaries and prevent them from disrupting your home. That's all you have control over.
Never be alone with SK
It's your DH problem, not yours. He wants 50/50. Then he works out care for his kids. It's not you.
If DH has your back he will understand, is he doesn't he does not have your back but playing you
Aniki is right.
IMO, those abuse charges were a gamechanger. Your highest priority is to protect yourself from these people who wish you harm, and that includes your SS. I would refuse to be around him unless your H is present. Yes, it may be inconvenient, but it's the consequence for a crime being perpetrated against you that could have ruined your life.
I have long held the position
I have long held the position that as a SParent I will not allow a SKid to jeopardize my marriage. Over the years I have adjusted that position upon occassion.
Your case is one where adjustment to my usual position is in order.
Did you file charges against the 14yo and the eldest for the assault on your character? Did you take out an RO against them keeping them away from you and your home?
Now for soul mate DH and his "defense" of you against his failed family progeny. Did he rain living hell down upon his lying characterless POS failed family spawn? Or did his tenderly hug them through it? If not the first thing, he is not worthy of you.
Quit giving any of these ill parented failed family POS spawn space in your head or in your life. Your DH needs clarity that his children are dead to you due to their choices to lie and be evil shits towards you and your only way of dealing with them will be a position of zero tolerance and total confrontation. He is not to mention them, they will never set foot in YOUR home again, including the minor, and they have only the choice of being respectful of you, your home, and your marriage or you will make your favorite hobby raining a life of misery onto them.
No quarter, no feelings other than relishing in their misery, and daddy needs clarity that they started it and you will win it.
PERIOD!
Make them rue the day those POS failed family spawn chose to F with you.
I would if I were you.These are not young children. Two of these are adults and the youngest is a willful participant in the shit perpetrated by the the harpy squad of BM, and his two elder sisters.
smh
Follow the oldest posters here!!
Seriously - this shit will never go away!! Read and reread posters who have been here for many years... We are trying to help you keep your shit together - screw the miserable SKIDS!! Otherwise - life will be better without DH and his ejaculations. Happy New Year!!
No Contact Heaven
If you MUST have the SShit in your home, its on your DH to take care of his spawn. You are completely no contact with ALL skids.
And they arent skids because of marriage. You are Dads Wife and they are your Husbands Children, that is all. Im sorry your year 2020 was bad, time for some reinforcement of boundaries and creating new ones where needed. The accusations shoud be reason enough. And the treatment added cherry on top. Have a HUGE talk with DH about how things will go down from now on forward. Heres to a better 2021!
Keep up your boundaries
I've been putting up with my wife's stain of a son for 20 years. This grown child is 24 and has been addicted pretty much everything bad on earth. I've rescued this kid from the streets four times. The latest was last Jan until this past weekend when I kicked him out for the final time after he had a roid rage. Now he is addicted to online stock trading with no money of his own and steroids. I figured out that all I've been doing is enabling this meathead and all he's done is take, take, take. As soon as someone isn't doing something for him he will literally attack them. So now I've let my wife know that he is not welcome in my home nor is he allowed to have visits with his daughter here. I'm done with this step parenting shit, never mind step grandkids. Just one more step further removed from me. I have no interest in her or her father. And my wife had the full just last night to ask if he could come stay here once in awhile in a couple months. Now I'm wondering if I should divorce myself literally of the whole thing. Take it from me, don't let your guard down for a minute and keep up your boundaries forever or as long as your married to their father because stepkids will always turn on you first and deflect and anger they have towards bio parents on to you. Stay strong and keep your resolve!!
I’ve disengaged from hateful adult skids and it’s wonderful.
Hey steptalkers, it's been a while since I posted anything. If it helps, here's what I've done:
Ignore any calls or messages...ghost them
Do not allow any disrespect in your home...period.
Don't buy them gifts...unless of course you think they deserve it.
Make them feel as unwelcome in your home as they make you feel.
Do not attend any events where they will be, especially now with COVID-19.
Let your DH know you aren't going to tolerate any disrespect from them.
Tell them get COVID tests whenever they are to come into your home and quarantine for at least 5-7 days ahead of time. Maybe they won't want to stop by then.
Have them wear a mask and gloves whenever they are in your home, near you or DH.
Erase them from your memory as best you can.
Take deep breaths and relax.
Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they got under your skin.
Good luck and stay safe.
Thanks for the laugh. I have
Thanks for the laugh.
I have another one. If you're pressured to host a party tell them it's an outdoor party with no entrance to the house bathroom.
You could call it that.
I never intended to disengage, but that's what ended up happening.
My SD40 hasn't set foot in my house since December of 2018 when we had our last Christmas party. She dropped off a couple of gifts last month but just from the driveway because she knew we wouldn't let her in. She did that against our wishes. At least I only had to see her car, not her.
Because she resorted to telephone harassment trying to track down DH, since he never carried his cellphone with him, I refused to let her have my new number
I refused to host last years Christmas party because she and DH were trying to make those plans behind my back without consulting me.
I said an emphatic NO to her coming over and working in my yard with DH. She has her own yard. It was a hard NO to her request to help herself to firewood from our woods. I told them it's against the law to transport firewood, which is true.
At least DH has learned there's no reason for her to come over here. We sold our boat and haven't bought a replacement yet so she can't suggest that either. I'm thinking I may never want to buy one and therefore she really has nothing to do here.
Peaceful country life. No stepdaughter disturbing the peace. Life is good.
Deliberately controlling conversation
When ever not often thank god but when ever SD visits me and her dad she will always steer conversation into constant reminiscing about her deceased mum and her dad and the good times over and over and over I have asked my partner if a memorial chat is going to happen could they arrange to do it else where there's only so much you can listen to ..... she doesn't acknowledge the fact they hated one another and he was controlled like a child
any advice