You dont have to love them but you do have to be polite, civil and respectful.  I can tell you aren't wild about them, I'm guessing that shows on your face.  My DH would have loved for me to enthusiastically embrace his, too.  In counseling, I learned it was ok to feel like I did.  I'm a one-on-one person; I responded to each differently

By the way, that " You hate my kids" line is manipulative.  How many does he have and how old?  How do they treat You? Do you have any bios?

Use the pets analogy. For the people that absolutely love their dogs. Man's best friend. People who spend thousands at the vet to give their pets a few extra good years. Grown men who cry like babies when their dog dies. But do you expect someone else to cry over your dog? Of course not. They wouldn't have the same memories and experiences. Would you expect someone else to foot your vet fees? Of course not. Your pet, your responsibility. You may like being around their pets but no one expects you to love them. It should be the same with kids. 

From a parents point of view: its not necessarily just about the kids, its also about his relationship with you. He wants to share that part of his life with you and its really difficult to do that when you guys feel so differently about the kids. 

That being said, its the reality of being a stepfamily and he's gonna have to accept it because its probably never going to be something you two can bond over. I know it won't be for me regarding my SD. 

You can't be expected to feel about someone else's kids the way they feel about Thier own. I love kids , but will never feel the same bond I do with DS. Also the reality is some kids are not likeable people. No one but a parent is going to gush over a rude, disrespectful, belligerent child. 

In my situation I have developed a good relationship with YSD because we have a mutual respect for one another. I doubt I will ever have any kind of relationship with OSD nor will I want to. I do not have the same ability as SO to ignore her unpleasantness and reminisce about holding and cuddling her when she was a sweet innocent baby. 

I agree with you 100%. DH needs to be realistic about how his kids are. Before COVID, my DH honestly didn't spend much time around SD10. I was the one that was getting her up in the morning, taking her to school, helping with homework, etc. He would see her a couple of hours before bed. Of course he thought she was fabulous! He knew no different. Why would he? If something came up back then, it was always me saying "Well, today _____ did this." I would automatically get the "You hate my kid."

Now after being around his own little demon for 9 months+, I would say he is WAY more accepting of me tolerating SD. Of course he loves her, but now he sees how she interacts and talks to people. How sloppy she is and eats him out of house and home. There's no more excuse of "She must have had a bad day at school..." or "I think she's going through a rough patch." He sees firsthand how she doesn't contribute to the household and sucks the fun out of everything. Honestly, as of late, I would even say DH has become less patient with SD than me. 

Basically what I'm trying to say is let your DH deal with the SKs. It won't be overnight, but over time, he will start to see SOME of their true colors when he has to experience it first hand. DHs NEVER really accept it their partner says "I noticed ____ with your kid." They take it personal. So disengage from SKs, give it some time, and see how it goes from there. 

I think people who expect you to "love their kids like your own" are delusional, and that expectation should be confronted early on in the relationship. This expectation seems to correlate with the "my kids can do no wrong" belief, which should also be knocked down early on.

Few stepparents love the kid as their own, REALLY as their own, vs just liking them or even loving them.

You must respect his kids, not love them.  Your BF wants his big Happy Family.  What he didn't get with first wife.

Thisbis never going to change.  He will start blaming you for his failure,   I did much more then the BF. But still got blame for not going enough.  She keep on having kids with BF who did nothing and he did not get mush blame 

I mean, there are times when I don't even like my own kids! How in the world am I supposed to love everything about a child I haven't had years and years to develop a bond with?

I generally like my SKs, probably because I'm not around them all the time. When I criticized some of my one SD's behavior, DH took it really hard at first (and we did have a pretty big argument), but since then, he's realized that I'm a pretty fair person and I'd never say that his daughter is awful because she constantly interrupts. It's rude behavior but she's a decent kid. She just needs some coaching with that and he's been doing it. If he couldn't hear my critics for what it was, we wouldn't have a future.

Sometimes I feel like DH should be more understanding of what I have to deal with in regards to his kids. He admits they are not always easy. How can we enjoy being around someone else's kids who are difficult? And living with them?

The best thing DH does for me is take his kids out of the house to give me a break at times. Maybe yours can try that. They should appreciate how patient we are with theirs. I don't know if it's different parenting or just different kids but his and mine are quite different. When just mine are here it is so much easier. If your DH realizes his are difficult hopefully he can appreciate you more. 
 

I would be more excited to be around his too if they weren't so annoying, loud, and rude. And that's partly his fault for letting them get to that point so his job to address and not expect me to be more engaged. When and if they are more well behaved I will be more engaged and happy to be around them. It's just common sense. If we are polite and kind that is all that is necessary in my opinion.

You're hearing about all the bad here and none of the millions of things he does to make me the happiest woman in the world. I almost wish I didn't love him so much, because then I could say good riddance to being a step. If it was that simple I don't think any of us would even be on this site at all.

Tortilla, it sounds like the millions of things he does to make you the happiest woman in the world really isn't outweighing this issue with how he expects you to feel about his kids. He doesn't have common sense to know there is no requirement you love his kids at all? Or is he just really selfish?

If you are really tired of this issue I would just outright tell him. If he can't accept that then that truly is his issue. One thing I wouldn't do is keep going back and forth with him about this. Love is a choice, not something to be forced on someone else. No way in hell would I allow someone to try to force me to love other people.

My ex tried to force me to love his youngest adult daughter despite me telling him from the very beginning that my adult kids, are exactly that, adults, and that my parenting days were over. No matter how many times I told him he just kept pushing the issue. Thst is until I cursed him the hell out, told him exactly what kind of person his daughter was, and eventually dumped him. If a man wants a women to love his kid or kids like they are her own, then he should go back and be with the kid or kids mom (which of course I told my ex that too). Smh

I won't tell you to leave him but he might leave you. He has unrealistic expectations and no one is going to be able to do this for him. My H wanted to break up with me while we were dating because I wanted us to go away for a few days alone without SD. He got mad at me for wanting alone time with him. To be clear he didn't have full custody BM was the custodial parent but didn't want her around so I was taking care of her 4 to 5 days a week and at the time I treated his daughter with care and he had the same complaint, because I wanted some time alone with him I hated his daughter and wanted to dump me. I wound up getting pregnant so unfortunately for me he was trapped. He told me he wanted to dump me years later so I found out how he really felt way after we were married. These men are clueless and they want the impossible. Do you want to get married? Have kids of your own? Because if he's throwing out these unrealistic expectations and you can't do what he wants he's not going to go forward with you. Even though you're right and you are 100% right he doesn't see it that way. He can't see past that if you don't roll over for the kids, feel for them in a way that is impossible unless you gave birth to them you will always be the bad guy. He's going to be very disappointed in his life. If he wants someone like that he needs to get back with the kids mom. 

How long have you been together? I had relentless arguments about this topic the last few years. Like what? Are you going to argue me into being excited to see them??? Fighting about it doesn't make me all of a sudden change how I feel. It's not a decision. It's a feeling!

Only if and when he accepts it from your point of view can this get better. He also needs to take off his rose coloured glasses, and lower his expectations of you. He is currently setting the bar so high (that only a mother can meet) so he is unknowingly setting you up to fail. 
 

I went through this for 3-4 years and it was exhausting. If I didn't want the kids to stay up late, I hate them. Didn't want to take them on a romantic wknd away, hate them. Wasn't thrilled to be hanging out in a playground watching his 4 year old go down a slide instead of going to a winery with friend for lunch. Hate them. Ask to have them babysat to attend a friends wedding. Hate them. I got to breaking point and gave up. Stopped bothering, stopped trying. One day he got it. He would complain about his kids being annoying all wknd and I would say "if I said that you would shoot me, even though we both spent them same amount of time this wknd with them" or he would complain about friends kids and my nephews and say "oh thankgod it's just our kids now" and I would say "don't take this the wrong way, I understand what you mean because I actually sometimes feel the same way about your kids. Like it or not" 

He seems to get it now after about 5 years of disagreements. The expectations are not ridiculously high and it makes it easier for me to relax when the kids are here. I can tell him when they piss me off and he doesn't get upset anymore. It still isn't enjoyable having them, but it's much better that he gets it.