Scared
I'm new here. I've been in my sds (11 and 15) lives for 2 years. Dh and I were married in August. I'm really struggling with Sd11. SD 15 right after our wedding decided she didn't want to live with us any more (50/50 custody) but that's not why I'm here.
My issues with Sd11 has been going on for a while. Let me start by saying she is unmedicated diagnosed ADHD, but it seems her issues run deeper. She is constantly incredibly cruel to my bd 6 (says things like she hates her, bd is not her sister, ect) and there have been a few physical altercations as well. I think she definitely has many wife syndrome, when she is here and "daddy" is home she makes it incredibly clear that he is hers. Treats me like crap/disrespectful when he isn't around then acts like she actually likes me when he is. Our neighbor told me that SD told her that she constantly tries to create chaos in our home in hopes that either dh or I will leave eachother. She constantly tries to intimidate me (im very petite maybe 100lbs she is almost as tall as me and definitely outweighs me) I have found kitchen knives in her room along with hate notes. A week ago she said loud enough for me to hear too bad murder is illegal. Her hate for me is so deep in her that she now says she doesn't like my dog and she has started being cruel to my dog. Last night she had a fruit plate and told my bd to be careful that none of the dogs got a grape because it would make them sick. I watched as my family ate their fruit (not a grape dropped) when they were all done I went to put the fruit back in the fridge... I found a grape on the floor and it had holes in it from dog teeth. This little girl gave my dog a grape! I'm scared she is going to kill my dog. I'm at such a loss, anytime I mention anything to dh it turns into a fight. I want to tell her that I have her giving my dog the grape on camera and if she doesn't start telling me the truth that I'm going to call the cops (but I don't really have it on camera.) She has been in therapy since I met her, I just don't know what to do I feel like running away from this situation.
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Time to actually get some
Time to actually get some cameras and plot your move out. Your top priorities are protecting your daughter and your dog, and keeping them in a home with someone who purposefully hurts them is negligence.
Be blunt with your DH and don't let it be an argument:
"DH, I'm moving out to protect my BD and dog. SD has purposefully caused them both harm. I've heard and witnessed it. The neighbor has reported to me that SD is purposefully creating chaos. Instead of listening to me and helping find a solution, you bury your head in the sand and make me the bad guy. I'm done, and it's your fault for not handling this appropriately. I won't expose my daughter any further to this chaos to keep a husband. It's not fair to her. I won't live with someone who actively hurts us, and you've proven you won't stand up for us. I have no use for this relationship anymore, and there is no talking about this."
Am I crazy
He always throws in my face that I'm so quick to "book ship" and that we made vows. I always tell him we made a ton of vows that day and you aren't holding your end of the bargain up either. He always says, SD has never left a mark on anyone and I tell him abuse is abuse whether a mark is left or not. I've tried disengaging, but with online learning he thinks it's unfair for him to have to find somewhere else for her to be and that she isn't allowed in "her own home" when he isn't there (I work at a school and we had to online learn because of covid) the only time he doesn't bury his head in the sand is when she is in school and gets in trouble if she is in trouble anywhere/ with anyone else he becomes extremely defensive so this past year as you can imagine has been hell (bm is terrified of covid and signed the girls up for online learning from the get go) I had told bm I was going to work so she would have to handle it all. But as soon as I'm working from home it's my responsibility my marriage is failing. We have done 1 therapy session and it helped us for a couple of days. Maybe weekly sessions would make it better. But I am scared of her. I'm scared for my daughter, and I'm scared for myself and for my dog.
Wow, this child needs therapy
Wow, this child needs therapy and stat. Not to mention some consequences for her behavior. In the meanwhile, I'd consider separating until he's willing to take her behavior seriously, to protect the dog and your BD. They don't deserve to be mistreated that way.
What does your husband say/do
What does your husband say/do when these things happen? What are her consequences?
Did your husband talk to the neighbor that SD told she was actively trying to break up your marriage?
A 12 yr old can cause a lot of chaos. If I didn't have a partner working actively and LOUDLY towards making sure to know that no kid is going to create a wedge between us, I am not sure that I could stay in that relationship.
I agree with cameras- they are the best investment I have made in a long time!!! I got mine off of Amazon and can pay $12/ for 30 day cloud storage or there are SD card inserts that will hold about 36 hrs of time. I was a little weirded out at first myself but I love having them now.
He says I'm blowing the knife
He says I'm blowing the knife thing out of proportion because when he was her age he had knives in his room. He is either completely delusional when it comes to her or I don't know. I feel he is scared because our sd15 isn't coming for our time anymore but that doesn't mean she gets to get away with whatever in my opinion. That's when I noticed his parenting changed with sd11 now he does NOTHING. Bm told us she stole $300 from her step dad no consequence, I've told him about the disrespect she has been throwing at me no consequence. It is insane. He used to be great about it she would be given a chore or personal items taken away, now NOTHING. and anytime I tell him about misbehaviors it ends up causing a fight between dh and I. I didn't even tell him about the grape.
She is in therapy. She was seeing a therapist for 2 years, recently got switched to a new one, I opened lines of communication with the new one and the new therapist told me I was the ONLY parent who had reached out to her!
Wtf?? Knives are not normal!
Wtf?? Knives are not normal! I would leave ASAP and not even bother w cameras. What, you're going to watch her hurt your dd or your dog on camera? This girl is messed up badly. Leave and save your daughter and dog. I couldn't honeymoon w a man like that.
Ahhh, it makes my blood boil
Ahhh, it makes my blood boil when people assume that because you are working from home that you have time to look after their kids. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE TIME to babysit. You have a job to do. Will he be happy when you are fired because you didn't do your job like you were supposed to because you were busy keeping an eye on his daughter? Let him take her to work with him, there's no reason for you to be saddled with her. Do NOT be her home teacher - it's not your job. You are not her parent, she already has two of those and they should be stepping up.
Your vows had nothing to do with his children. Your vows had to do with you and him. Tell him to go back and read them again.
I cannot repeat this often nor loud enough, this child is NOT YOUR RESPONSABILITY! If your DuH won't look after her then she goes back to her mother's, no ifs or buts.
Update
As soon as her dad left for work she tried causing issues. I told her I have you on video giving Allie a grape and I'm very close to calling the cops, she tried denying, and saying she doubts I have a camera in the kitchen I just shrugged and said I have it on video. She grabbed the dogs a treat including mine, gave her a real nice pet and went to her room. I kind of feel bad, but at the same time I feel like I'm going to have some control in my home today
Buy. Actual. Cameras. Like,
Buy. Actual. Cameras. Like, today. Amazon will get them to you ASAP.
Please don't feel bad. This
Please don't feel bad. This is no way to live.
"A week ago she said loud
"A week ago she said loud enough for me to hear too bad murder is illegal."
Where was DH when this happened? I would have called DH into the room, loudly asked her to repeat what she said, gotten close to her, in her face, and demanded an explanation.
JFC.
Nevermind, it doesn't matter. I agree with everyone else, an exit plan is needed.
The validation you all are
The validation you all are giving me makes me feel so much better! Thank you all!
Guilty Father Syndrome
Hes not giving SD11 consequences because SD15 "decided" she didnt want to be there anymore. So, he doesnt want to "lose" the other one.
Im certain there is more backstory to things, but let me just mention that he is the problem - he is failing as a parent.
DOCUMENT everything. Get cameras, make notes. If you are threatened, everything.
Keep in mind that if you leave him, you must file for full custody or you will have to allow him to have visitation without you there to protect your child. Get a good lawyer ready.
These things are NOT normal. Sadly they will probably get worse over time.
My bd is not biologically his
My bd is not biologically his can he do that?!
No.
No.
GOOD!
I didnt catch that, sorry, dont want to scare you over THAT. No, you have a clear path out if you so decide (just dont get pregnant by him!)
Take your bio and puppy out of there. They are not safe. Your narc husband is gaslighting you and he sounds like hes not going to parent his toxic spawn. Is this the life you want for you and your kiddo? Constantly looking over your shoulder? Clingy mini-wife always trying to take dadeee away from you? Toxic BM always picking away at you?
As a sidenote: the SD15, "deciding", well that right away told me that this situation was not good. Children have visitation schedules that must be followed, they generally dont get to decide...
SD11 sounds like a monster in the making. This WILL get worse as she figures more devious ways to get to you, and hurt the ones you love.
1000% this! NO man is worth
1000% this! NO man is worth this.
If you've brought all of this
If you've brought all of this up with your H and he ignores/ downplays your concerns, I'd just cut my losses. Forget the honeymoon, just accept that you got the bait and switch, take your DD and your pup and get away before something bad happens. If your husband can't even acknowledge the issues, and has to gaslight you instead, they're not going to be solved.
It seems as if he has left
It seems as if he has left you with no choice but to establish an ultimatum. I would establish a clear boundary that both you and him will start disciplining her behavior immediately or you and your daughter are leaving and SD will be his problem to deal with 100%. I would also make it clear once you leave you will not even consider cohabitating again until SD has launched. If he doesn't want to be a partner with you, a team and work together with you on this then so be it, he gets to do it alone.
Think hard
So, in a lot of states, if you cut bait within the first year it goes down as an annulment, not a divorce. Just saying.
Knives, murder talk, cruelty to your child, trying to poison your dog...the only way to stay is if DH is on your side.
My SS17 threatened to kill me and, later, my dog. But my then-SO ultimately backed me up, and that was one of the reasons SS17 went to live with his mom for good. He was later re-diagnoses with ADHD (biomom had refused to allow him to be treated for years) and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (though may be actually Conduct Disorder).
I hate to tell someone to leave their husband, hated it when people on this site have said similar to me. But you have another child and an innocent animal to think about. She sounds seriously messed up, and if he won't address that, and make sure your home is a safe place to be, what's left?