Advice needed / changed custody situation - worth staying?
Hi there, I'm new here as came across the site when looking for advice. My boyfriend's custody situation changed halfway throughout our relationship to him having his 4 kids every other week, which is not what I signed up for. I wanted to be supportive and give it a try but it has been tough. My life was somewhat on hold for about 2 yrs during which I only recently got to spend time with the kids. It's ok but I don't like it that much and wonder if it's worth tolerating for the sake of making the relationship work and potentially get married and have my own baby or whether I will just regret it down the road. That's the summary, full story below (appreciated it's somewhat convoluted and long).
my situation is as follows: my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 4 yrs; he is divorced and has 4 kids (aged 6-14), I have never been married and don't have kids. When we met I told him that I wasn't sure yet whether I wanted kids and in any case I couldn't understand why anyone would have 4 kids as it sounds like so much work and that I wasn't sure this was ever going to be a workable set up for me. He assured me that it wouldn't be that bad as he has a lot of help (money isn't a problem here) and that in any case he only sees the kids every second weekend. So in the beginning we spent lots of time together, on the weekends where he had the kids we would typically sill see each other for Friday dinner and sometimes for a coffee on Sun afternoon. So far so good, as I'm busy and quite independent so didn't mind having some time for myself on weekends. Given he was still going through the official divorce he didn't want to risk anything and so I never met the kids, which was fine with me as I understood the situation and wasn't keen on spending time with them anyways. We were very happy and I considered whether he might be "the one".
About two years into the relation when the divorce was just finalized, everything changed. He told me that his ex had become unreliable and that he had to take 50 percent custody of the kids, ie living with them every other week. My gut reaction was I can never see with this, but I wanted to be a supportive girlfriend and help him through a difficult time as I could see he was struggling and was being very concerned for the kids. The first months were hell, as his ex kept changing plans last minute, there was no regular schedule and I was the one who got thrown under the bus when plans changed last minute and he had to take the kids. When I expressed how I feel and that I'm not a priority he said it's hell for him and the kids and it's an emergency and he needs to stabilize it and I need to be patient. Which I was as I wanted to be supportive but I felt so alone and helpless. I said if the set up has now changed I need to at least start meeting them now to see whether I could ever imagine a set up like this. I met them once for a coffee that was pretty awkward as he didn't properly introduce me, and so a while went by before I brought up the topic again. By then he said the children need time and we need to set it up the right way to ensure they like me as he wants this to work long term. A year went by with me never really meeting the children. It was overall a very difficult year as I felt lonely as I didn't seem him every other week, we fought a lot and I felt my life was on hold and the kids always were more important.
We then tried to find a house together so that we could live together which then fell through but at least that helped me to argue that I now need to start seeing the kids. I started to spend some weekends with them, which was fine but not really how I wanted to spend my weekends. The problem was that I felt that in return for what I consider to be a massive sacrifice for me to consider making this work, I didn't get much from him in return as everytime I wanted to do something it became a massive negotiation. We did therapy and it didn't really work and I reached a breaking point and broke up with him. He then convinced me to give it another try and I agreed. Things have been somewhat better since but everytime I broach the topic of next steps (ie marrriage and having my own baby as I'm now approaching 38 and feel I'm running out of time), he is being evasive and says I broke up with him so we first need to give it time, live together etc. I would normally agree with this but I now feel I have already wasted 2 yrs of my live without much progress and so can't continue doing this for much longer. In particular; because I think I would like to keep the option to have my own child and so if it's not with him, I need to get going sooner rather than later.
we are now moving in together as his lease expired (I'm pretty sure if it hadn't expired we still wouldn't be doing it) and I'm not sure how much more time to give it. This is not what I signed up for as if I had met him with this custody situation I wouldn't be here. I wanted to be supportive as life circumstances can change and I guess you don't leave someone when he is going through a tough phase only because your life got inconvenient but I cannot help but feel that this is a massive sacrifice for me and I can only ever be somewhat ok with it if I feel I am getting something in return for It and that he acknowledges that this is a massive sacrifice and hence in return compromises on things that are important me and makes me feel that at least I am as imprortant as the kids. I wonder if having just own baby will make things better as it will change my own lifestyle and whether I then don't mind that much that other kids are there or whether it will just make things worse.
im so confused and don't know what to do 
I have been in an endless loop of continuously thinking whether to stay or to leave and to search for more data points and try to make it work as relationships are hard work, everyone comes with baggage etc. Would appreciate any thoughts / advice from people who have been through something similar.
Please, do yourself a favour,
Please, do yourself a favour, and break up with him. Things are not going to get better and if he moves in with you then your home, your whole life will be invaded by four kids for HALF of the time. They are going to take over. Can you stand the idea of soda being spilt on your sofa, nosey kids going through your things, your fredge being permanently empty, hearing kids whine for junk food and refuse to eat anything other? The list is endless.
Please break up with him before he moves in or you will NEVER get the buggers out. He's alredy got 50-50 (and apparently no CO), he's only a stone's throw away from more than that. This is YOUR life we're talking about here. Save yourself.
Abouit your fertility, yes, your window will soon close and he clearly is playing for time. He doesn't want another kid. He's just too chicken to actually say it. Don't waste another minute of your time on this person and his brood.
1000% percent this. ^^^^^
1000% percent this. ^^^^^ Life with four kids that belong to someone else, especially when you aren't crazy about kids in general is a recipe for a hellish life.
I am finally reaching a point
I am finally reaching a point where i'm not motivated by guilt or the notion that the more i sacrifice, the better things will be if i only give it time. You need to be a little selfish sometimes. This dude does not want a fifth kid. If you have one, the resources available to it in both time and money will be severely limited on his end. What is he sacrificing for you? Not a damn thing.
Your boyfriend probably didn
Your boyfriend probably didn't sign up to be a part-time dad.
Please consider the fact that he could have full custody at any time. If you can't handle 50/50, you will lose your mind if he has 100%. This doesn't sound like the relationship for you.
I think you know what you
I think you know what you need to do. He isn't just "going through a tough phase", everything has changed entirely. You thought he had every other weekend with flexibility, now it's an "unreliable" ex who might end up giving him full custody someday.
1 stepkid is hard, 4 stepkids is a non-starter. Having your own baby will NOT make it better, I promise. You will resent these 4 kids that are in your house, especially if they have crappy behavior that affects you and your kid.
Time to move on.
Yeah, 4 kids plus unreliable
Yeah, 4 kids plus unreliable BM equals step hell. Even if the dad is the best guy in the world.
Thank you
Thank you all, very much appreciate your thoughts. For what it's worth, he has always been saying from the start that he would like to have another child (even when it wasn't a topic for me back then - no idea why someone would want 5 but hey..) And he isn't moving into my house, he is renting a bigger place that we would move in together. I am definitely feeling guilty given her probably didn't ask for this situation either but might indeed be time to be more selfish.. I just thought that if I show I'm supportive and willing to try to make it work he would become more compromising as well given he must have been scared I don't like the kids. Whenever I say he isn't compromising enough he says he is now making his kids move 30 mins away from their mom and that he is compromising on someone who isn't super into kids in the first place..
He asked for this situation
He asked for this situation when he decided to have 4 kids and then divorce their mother. Any parent could become a full-time single parent in a heartbeat. What do you want him to compromise on ? And big of him to "agree" to date you even if you don't like kids, lol. That's not a compromise, that's accepting you as you are.
I thought maybe I can live
I thought maybe I can live with it if at least the other 50 percent of my life is how I want it to be, and so I would have thought he would accommodate what I want to do (simple things like going to the travel destinations I want to go to etc) and puts in effort for the relationship when its just us but everything became negotiation and when I bring it up he said I'm keeping score. It became a bit better after therapy so I thought it might improve over time but now am not so sure anymore. As a part of me feels he should treat me like a princess in return for being willing to put up with the situation but then I'm also realistic and know that this is probably not a fair request
No, it's a fair request.
No, it's a fair request.
The reality is that though
The reality is that though they are there only 50% of the time they will occupy 100% of your well-being. You will spend several days getting back to normal after they leave and the rest of the time stressing about their next visit... that is, if they actually do leave...
Moving into a bigger place?
Moving into a bigger place? Think about that in terms of cost., How much does he expect you to contribute to the rent? Proportionally? And how much of the bills?
Money at least is not an
Money at least is not an issue, he will pay the rent and childcare as he acknowledges that I can't be expected to pay for the size of place or amount of help he needs due to the number of kids
please please please
Break it up before moving in.
You still have time to have your own child. You can find someoen without 400 lbs of baggage. 4 children, even if money is not an issue is STILL 4 kids that arent yours, that you didnt make, that will affect your life. You will be last on everyones list including his.
You have your independence still. This is supposed to be the best part - but he is doing the bait and switch. He is no prize and he knows that YOU are indeed a prize. I met DH 8 years ago. Im childless (not by choice) and hes got 2 kids, SD21 and SD14. With a toxic ex that we are tied to for the next 3 years.
REALLY just read this site. and REALLY think hard before moving in together. Not allowing you to spend time with the kids is a huge red flag. You deserve better, there is MUCH better out there for you.
He only wants to move on
He only wants to move on together to use your resources (money/reliable free child care). Think about it, if he really wanted this to work with you and have another baby, he would be meeting you in the middle BEFORE you'll move forward. He's not. You have compromised and sacrificed enough for his situation but he's continually back peddleing on just about every promise he made to you. You're not even a priority before moving in and trust me, he's shown you who he is. Stop giving him the benefit... there's none. That's great he's stepping up to the plate with his kids as BM is lacking but that doesn't change your initial boundaries or issue's regarding him having kids. So imagine living with them part time.
I would keep my place for a while longer and get a general idea of how he's going to manage having his kids more and your relationship before moving forward or moving on with him.
Please reconsider moving in
Please reconsider moving in with him. Most likely it will ruin your relationship beyond repair. You're currently childless with your own place - don't give that up!
Nope, don't force it. You
Nope, don't force it. You dont want this and no matter how great he is its not worth it when its not something you want too.
Get going ASAP! This isn't
Get going ASAP! This isn't the one.
4 kids and a crazy, unreliable BM. Yuck.
Why do you think he's keeping
Why do you think he's keeping you away from his kids? My guess is that he doesn't want you to see how feral they are before you get in over your head and then he'll throw the customary "you knew what you were getting into... "
Another red flag - he kowtows to his ex. Her plans override yours. Those kids are never going to be there only every other week, they'll be there every time his ex wants to do her thing.
Some relationships are too
Some relationships are too much hard work with little reward. This seems like one of them.
Thank you all, very helpful
Thank you all, very helpful perspectives. I will be keeping my own place for now as I am eyes wide open that there is a real chance that after only a short time I conclude I can live with them half of the time. I flagged this multiple times to my bf and said I am worried that it might not work and that we should hence try to "test" living together in his previous flat before having to make a commitment on a big house rental. He always said he isn't worried about it not working and if we tried in his former flat I would hate it as the place wasn't big enough (which is probably true but he has a tendency to not address the underlying issue but rather throw money at the problem, ie let's just get a bigger house). Before we had to sign the lease I said again I don't have a good feeling about this and am worried and he said he can't pull out of the lease now and he again said that he thinks it won't be that bad as the house will be big enough for me to have my own space.
I have been thinking about breaking it off before moving in but I have been thinking may be it is the final piece of evidence I need to make a decision without always wondering whether it might have worked. I also feel guilty as I put my root down this time on the area where to live which now means every second week his kids will need to commute to school; which he is super anxious about and has called me selfish for asking this off the children. He said if it wasn't for me he would have stayed where he currently is; so now I feel extra bad but I felt there was no chance it would work in his area where I wouldn't even be close to friends etc.
someone made the point of reading through the site before making the decision. I have done this and that's why I ultimately decided to post something here. I do observe that step kids do seem to wreak havoc on most relationships and I'm glad to see that I'm no alone in feeling that my gut turns whenever I think of the kids and having to love with them. But of course everyone here who is in Thai situation must have made the decision at some point that they thought that their partner was worth the effort despite knowing that it would be tough. So I guess I ended up in the same place, trying to think that everything was so good in the beginning and that maybe "love does conquer it all" although I know that love alone is not enough. So for the people here who are unhappy but still in the relationship is this because you got married and now feel stuck (which I can certainly relate to)?
also, has anyone made the experience that once they had their own joint child with their partner things did get better? Or is that a complete illusion? Did anyone feel at least they now have a baby and no one can take that away from there no matter what?
Look, if you are still
Look, if you are still thinking of moving in, try this. Keep your place and spend a couple of weeks with them in the new place. Then, and only then, should you make your decision... And do it for YOU, for purely selfish reasons and not out of guilt. It might be the last chance you get to do that. Never forget that you may have insisted on the location but you didn't hold a gun to his head. The decision was entirely his. Don't let him use that as leverage...
Bringing a baby in
Will make things worse. His kids will be jealous for his attention and he will give it to them out of guilt. DH will always expect you to be understanding to the point where you feel like a single mom. Babies won't make your SO turn toward you. He is using you now for childcare.
Try something. Don't babysit for him or cook or do anything for his kids. If he gets mad, then he just wants your bbsitting n other services.
Plus he has to deal with bm. Maybe he still loves her, how do you know? She may turn controlling at any time over HER kids. She could be another Avenue to wreak havoc in your life. You know she is unreliable so evidently theres a problem. She might get jealous if you n turn her kids against you.
Please think twice about bringing a baby into this ready made family. You aren't happy now with 50%. But it is 100% as you would be married. A baby should have love of mom n dad. You might not want his 4 kids as an example for your own child to learn from. Whose daddy isn't there because he has to take care of his first family.
Be careful...
I really applaud you for
I really applaud you for trying, but you deep down don't seem to want this type of relationship. You have to be true to yourself and what you want. Once you get married it doesn't get better and having a child almost makes it worst. You have the opportunity now to choose you, so do it. I wish I would have thought everything through before getting married. I love my DH, but just the one child has been super hard. I can't imagine 4. Talk to close friends and family.... I bet they will tell you to choose you. Sorry your going through all this. I hope this helps
Look at your SO and his kids.
Look at your SO and his kids. If you dont want your own child to end up like his prior failed family breeding experiments DO NOT pollute your own gene pool with this guy.
Find a man of quality to be your mate and the father of your children.