Worn out by it all
I'm new here and thankful to have found a place to vent. I have been married for 8 years (first marriage, no bio kids) to a man who has a 30-year-old daughter from his very bad first marriage (he has been divorced for 23 years). I knew there were issues with his daughter when I married him so, in many way, I brought this on myself. She has never had a fulltime job, never worked any job for more than 3 months, has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and has been in rehab 4 or 5 times for alcohol, drugs, eating disorder, anxiety. Once she leaves rehab she follows the program only while she is living at a halfway house (which is where she is now). She was genius at playing the insurance system until she aged out of our insurance and then had less generous benefits through the insurance marketplace. She lived with us off and on for a couple of years until I couldn't stand it another minute (ask me how many hours it took me to clean her bedroom when she finally moved out). My husband bought her first two cars, together we bought her the next two, including one she will soon get because she wrecked the other one. She is driving a rental car right now and because she did not have a credit card to rent the car, we added her to my credit card and had it overnighted to her. The car is in our name and on our insurance, which we pay. We also send her rent money when she needs it and recently paid for a $500 infected hangnail (you can't make this stuff up) because she had let her health insurance lapse. We paid the premium to get it re-started. She only calls when she wants something. No birthday card, Father's Day card, call just to say hi Dad. Ever.
My husband was never in good financial condition because of his divorce and his daughter's issues. I had a well-paying professional job, substantial retirement savings and paid off my house when we retired two years ago. When we married, I said we should co-mingle our assets. My financial advisor was against it but I had this idea that marriage meant trust and sharing everything. My husband is a good man and I truly believe he loves me. I don't think he is just using me. But he cannot, will not say no to his daughter. He felt abandoned as a child because his parents had multiple divorces and marriages and he has overcompensated to make sure his daughter never feels that way. She knows exactly what button to push to get her way. If he even starts to say no, she threatens to prostitute herself, sell drugs, etc. He immediately caves in. Her mother has taken a tougher stand in the last year and will no longer support/enable her. I agree with her mother. We have been to AlAnon, NA, joint counseling, individual counseling but nothing changes. Every time he hears that he needs to stop enabling her, he stops going to counseling. One of the counselors we saw together and I saw individually told us that she would be laying on the sofa doing nothing at 40 if he didn't draw the line when she was 18. Well, here she is at 30 and it's clear he is going to be right.
We have spent thouands of dollars on her this year alone. Money we really can't afford to spend in retirement. I am more pragmatic than him - I have laid our her financial situation and why she can't even afford gas for the car - and our's. He tells me when he is spending money on her but although I make it clear what I think and remind him of what counselors have told us, he does exactly what she wants. He tells me he loves me and appreciates me... and it's all feeling manipulative and meaningless. I am angry, depleted and hurt. Our marriage, our life is never first. It's never even part of the discussion. I also feel incredibly stupid. I put myself in this situation.
I’m so sorry
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Something very similar happened to my dad and his wife. His wife's son is 33, wasn't able to hold down a job, and has a lot of mental health issues.
Her son was living with them, and they just recently kicked him out of the house because they realized that they were enabling him. What sounds extremely difficult in your situation is that it seems your husband isn't willing to recognize the role he's playing in his daughter's issues.
It seems like he's projecting onto her what he wished he had - but this isn't a 1:1 situation. Your husband took a different path than she has with his own life. While I understand his motivation for doing what he's doing, providing her the support that he wished that he received isn't what she needs as this is an entirely different context.
He's trying to right the wrong that he experienced - but in that process is just creating more wrong than right.
I wish I had advice to give. I know my dad was at his wit's end with the situation. I would be too. Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way.
Thank you. I really
Thank you. I really appreciate the kind words & support from someone who understands.
We were in your shoes
As I read your post, I thought: not working, check; borderline personality, check; drugs, check; anxiety, check; being supported by dad and step Mom, check. This all describes SD59. After her last divorce, and after losing 2 apartments, she moved in for a 10-month hell. Like your DH, mine is over-compensating for his own family issues and she knows each and every button to push.
Like you, we spent endless money and DH was ready and willing to spend whatever. I couldn't take it anymore. I knew we would have to help financially in some way, her disability check is just not enough. So, I calculated the monthly amount. DH and I separated our finances and he gets that amount plus his "allowance" monthly. When she left, relations weren't great and I told her I was done, done, done. I have since " gray rocked" her. All requests for $ come to him and he pays from his monthly money. No charging anything and I check it daily. I also told him if he ever let's her move in again (this was the 4th or 5th time since teen years), I would leave him and he knows I mean it.
Our family was skeptical that she would be able to make it but she is. She is certainly not living in luxury, has no cable, no internet, her phone is often shut off, etc.. One surprise is that now that her expenses are coming from " his" money, he says no more often. She is still the pita but I'm not hearing it and he seems to talk to her less often.
I know this is not the ideal and in a perfect world, we would have both had the strength to kick her out and administer some tough love. But this is our reality and it's working now for 4+ years. Good luck, I know how it is.
I am very sorry, you are in
I am very sorry, you are in an extremely difficult situation. I think your best move is to do what was advised above and separate your finances. It will not solve all your problems, but it will take your being responsible for SD out of the equation.
I foresee similar issues in my future with SO and at least one of my SDs That is why I have made the decision early on not to combine finances or get married.
If he really
Loves you n appreciates you you would see it in his actions. You have boundaries that he chooses to violate...is that love?
Look up enmeshment, maybe that will help you understand the dynamic between him n her. He is a rational person making willful choices. You aren't happy but he ignores your pain. Is that love? He doesn't want counseling or to heal n change. You can't fix him.
Try leaving for a week. When I was away I had so much peace. Now I left n I have peace.
Draw a line in the sand. What's the line when you decide either he does or doesn't love you. Go from there. Not respecting your boundaries isn't love...disrespect is not love. Not continuing counseling is selfish, saying to you "I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE ".
can you live with him for the rest of yoyr life if this doesn't change? Like gambling, he is addicted to throwing away hard earned money.
Yes, this. OP, he's addicted
Yes, this. OP, he's addicted to his daughter like she's addicted to drugs, and in that place, he can't be a real partner to you. He may love you, but he's too codependent to be present for you. This won't change unless he wants it to, and right now, he doesn't. Don't waste your money and your life on this dysfunctional situation.
Truth. This is the simple
Truth. This is the simple truth.
My situation is nowhere near as bad as yours, but we went through a period of addiction with SS. (He's sober now and fully supporting himself.) But during those years, DH couldn't/wouldn't say no to his son. DIdn't want him living on the streets, wanted to "help" him, etc. Thousands of dollars spent and no changes in sight except for thousands of more dollars going out the window.
I've kept my retirement stash and inheritance from my parents totally separate from DH. He has no idea how much money I have. I feel a little guilty about that, but it's not his to spend. He agrees with this. If DH were still throwing money at his kids, I'd separate finances even more. DH loves me, but I am going to control my own financial security and this means not giving him access.
All you can do is to protect yourself. Your DH has made it clear that he will not change, so you need to live within that or make the decision to leave him over it. Or keep your money separate from his so that he can't force you into poverty trying to "help" his daughter.
He's made it abundantly clear
He's made it abundantly clear that he has absolutely no intention of changing. Where does this leave you? Being bled white in your retirement. Look, either you continue to pour your hard-earned cash into this bottomless pit because you love him OR you extract yourself from this mess, get a divorce so that you can cut off all funding and NOT be liable for anything else, debts, etc. incurred by him because you love YOU. Don't you think it's time you put yourself first, for once? Do you want a comfortable retirement or do you want to have to count every penny?
What do you want us to say?
Honestly.
You've have all kinds of PROFESSIONAL advice which you haven't taken. Is it just sympathy you want from us?
I don't mean to be harsh but maybe what you need is more tough love and less sympathy. The problem isn't your DH and your SD. The problem is you.
You have allowed yourself to remain in this horrid situation and you need to find out why. If your marriage feels manipulative and meaningless, it's because it really is.
My goodness woman, you are 63! Why in the world are you putting up with this? How much more time do you think you have left to enjoy life? Why waste another day or minute on people who are using you?
Please. Go find a counselor FOR YOURSELF who will help you get out of this situation and enjoy the rest of your life in peace and comfort.
I do appreciate all the
I do appreciate all the comments and advice. Yes, I realize I also enable the situation by enabling him. But, I was 55 before I got married. I thought I found a late-in-life partner. I was so happy. I thought we were mature and loving enough to work through all the issues. Obviously, age doesn't make you smart. I have a history of feeling responsible for everyone and trying to take care of everyone- relatives, friends, partners. I have been working on that and trying to establish boundaries. It's so engrained and I fail a lot. I think my best step right now is to do what many of you said - separate finances and determine a set amount for him to spend as he wishes. He will be hurt, but this whole situation is full of hurt and he's unwilling to stop it.
I don't think I only wanted sympathy- I wanted to hear from others about how they've handled things. I feel alone and it helps to know there's a place where others understand.
Then let him be hurt. He's
Then let him be hurt. He's hurting you by his selfish need to support his daughter. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. I say this in all kindness, but you just make it worse by trying to protect him from himself. You are doing for him what he is doiong for his daughter.
A good therapist will help you through this. And I mean for you, not couples counseling.
I'm looking for a counselor-
I'm looking for a counselor- you're absolutely right, I need one. We relocated to a very small rural community in another state 2 years ago so I'm starting from scratch with doctors, etc. it's also a very different social & political environment and, coupled with the pandemic, making friends is tough. We have new insurance starting in January and I've found a couple of possible counselors through the insurance website. Fingers crossed I find someone decent.
Agreed. A good counselor
Agreed. A good counselor will help her build up enough self esteem to leave his worthless you know what! If he loved his daughter and you, he'd do what the current Counselor says, but he doesn't. She deserves peace in her upward years.
Boundaries are all that work
Boundaries are all that work in these kinds of situations. You might want to revisit Al Anon with HIM in mind instead of her, because you are dealing with addict in him, too (that's where the term "codependent" originated). They can help with ideas for how to stay in the marriage and set limits that don't enable him to enable her.
This will never change
It's up to you to decide on how much money you are going to give SD per year. Any money over that DH should get another job to pay that money. Stop letting him using you as his and SD personal ATM.
SD is not going to get better or change.
He's going to leave you with
He's going to leave you with nothing because he'll spend the rest of his life blowing your combined $$ on his loser offspring.
Ask him "You will die. Who will take care of your daughter if she doesn't become independent?"
My child not growing up to be an independent, functioning member of society was my biggest fear. I am so thankful he is a success. There is no better feeling for a parent.
Interesting you bring that up
Interesting you bring that up because I have asked him that exact question! No response except deer-in-headlights look.
okay, all your comments did spur some action on my part. I called my financial planner. My husband cannot withdraw anything from my investment account without my agreement and the bulk of the money is there. He can, of course, spend down his own & our joint account. The house we live in is in my name only. Next, I need to have my financial POA redone so he cannot make financial decisions for me if I'm incapable. I will do that after Christmas. I know I have much more to do financially and emotionally but I did take a step today.
Good for you!
Time to stop crying and begin kicking ass. Including your own - make sure that what you do is for YOUR best interests, and any thoughts otherwise you need to kick to the curb.
When you do POA, will, etc. consider this: If you want to give your husband something, set up a trust so that a certain (perhaps small) amount goes to him every month during his life but ONLY during his life. If he dies, then the remainder of that trust should go to a person or cause that means something to you. Otherwise, anything you leave to him will quickly be given and spent by SD.
I'd be damned if my SD got her mitts on anything I worked my life for.
IMO, getting finances and other legal items in shape is just the beginning. I think once you start doing that, and actually FOLLOWING THE ADVICE PROS GIVE YOU, you may find that you can actually extricate yourself from this sham of a marriage.
FWIW, I have no bio kids either and very little of my own family is left. Nonetheless, I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than be in your situation. Getting married late in life, you probably are clinging to the "idea" of marriage and it's hard to let go of the dream. Sadly, it's time to wake up and realize what you have is not a true marriage. You are just a means to an end for your husband - meaning, your support (financially and otherwise) allows him to take care of the first lady of his life - his daughter.
Good!
I posted above about having the similar situation. I wanted to let you know that, unexpectedly, my DH seems happier now. I thought he would fight me tooth and nail forever and believe me, he is quite capable of doing that. Instead, he seems relieved. Maybe he uses me as the bad guy, I don't care. It seems like acknowleding that SD59 does require some financial help but setting a firm limit on how much, is the key. Like you, I put some legal restraints in place and for anything with joint access, I monitor daily. One thing I don't do is monitor his "allowance". This is part of me trying to lessen my exposure to her.
One thing that helped, and I'm not sure if your DH is up for it, is that DH read SD59 the riot act when she moved out. He told her our arrangement ( helping provide shelter) is her last chance. If she screws up, her next stop is living in her car. Whether he could really go that far, I'm not sure but he made a believer out of her, so far.
Good luck!
Funny how that works. I don't
Funny how that works. I don't think it was a coincidence that once I pulled the plug on DH paying for a hotel for addict SS so he wouldn't be on the street, SS found a rehab program the very next day. And I'm so proud of SS for working that rehab program and getting the help he needed.
It was a huge fight with DH to derail the money train, and I'm quite sure I was the bad guy. But I was willing to end the marriage over it. Happily, DH stepped up and did the right thing for both SS and me. SS learned, through his rehab program, that DH was a world-class enabler so SS no longer allows DH to help him financially. Super proud of him (although I am still the bad guy for reasons unknown and unknowable). Eh, I'm happy. So is DH.
Re the “allowance”
I'm going with your strategy of not monitoring the "allowance." I also need to lessen my exposure to SD. Thanks for mentioning that.
Good for you!!
Good for you!!
Update
So today DH transferred almost $500 to SD30 without talking to me first. I overheard some of the conversation so I knew what was happening. It was the perfect opportunity to have the hard discussion. One thing about the work I used to do is it trained me to have hard conversations calmly. It's a lot tougher when it's a family situation but I can do it if I am prepared. And I did. I told him there's a set amount in our non-investment account that is his to use to enable her or reimburse me when he uses my credit/debit card. I also told him I would deactivate the cards if I find unexpected charges on it or sneak withdrawals and he knows I monitor the accounts closely. The hardest part of the conversation was telling him I plan to change my financial POA. He was shocked that I don't trust him to look out for me/us if I become disabled. I painted a very clear picture of why I feel this way - lots of evidence. I was calm & firm and he got it, although he was shaken up. He has gone out for a drive. I don't expect a very joyful Christmas but at least it's all on the table. My anxiety is pretty bad at the moment although there's some relief, too.
It will get better
You did well. You are both in shellshock from dealing with her insanity and the havoc it has caused in your relationship. Things will calm down, not this minute, but slowly. I mentioned grayrocking my SD. You might want to search this site for that term. The intent is to lessen my exposure to SD. I recognize she will always be in my life. The financial separation and grayrocking allow me to calmly stay in the marriage. It also allows me to have a civil and polite relationship with her. Good luck.
I think it's good that your
I think it's good that your DH was shaken up by this. He was quite happily going forward with no plans to change anything. That's my DH to the floor--things will take care of themselves magically. I remind him that I am the magic in his life.
You deciding to take care of your own financial security given his lack of financial restraint is healthy. It's too big a thing to just trust someone to do the right thing when you have evidence that he probably won't.
Focus on the relief you feel and the changes ahead and the good parts of your marriage.
Reformed doormat here.
I'm so glad you found StepTalk, OP. You're getting the blunt, VALUABLE truth from people who've also dealt with dysfunction. I don't know of any other website that could be of more help.
I too have no bios and married for the first time to a man with kids. I made many step mistakes simply because I had no understanding of steplife. There is no template, no WikiHow for it. Here are a few facts:
You say you're worn out, which is understandable - that's what life with a BPD is often like. However, you have the right to disengage from all things related to your H's adult kid. She's his problem, not yours, and you need to be ruthless about not allowing that crazy into your life. You're dealing with some serious issues: mental illness, addiction, and dare I say, financial infidelity. Your money is keeping your H sick, so you cutting it off was the right thing to do.
There's so much more I could say about marrying into dysfunction, codependence, BPD, and the need for brick wall boundaries, but you've already received lots of advice so I'll end with this - cut your H's daughter completely out of your life. My DH also has a BPD daughter, so I've been through that Hell. Additionally, I've cut two BPD acquaintances off. BPDs are all about chaos and drama. They burn bridges, hurt others, and cut a swath of destruction through life. You can have peace, or your H's daughter, but you can't have both.
Get a good Counselor for
Get a good Counselor for yourself to help you build your self esteem and leave his sorry, worthless rear! He loves himself more than anyone else! Please do this and have peace in your upper years.
Though not with a Skid, we
Though not with a Skid, we have had to navigate this topic with my DW's entire family. Though she worked out the historic issues in very short order and will not sacrifice a penny facilitating their never ending g crappy life decisions. It cost a few $thousand flushed down the crapper with her cousin for her to gain clarity.
This cousin is the unicorn relative in her bio dad's family. He was killed in a car accident before my MIL knew she was pregnant with my DW. The cousin is DW's uncle's eldest who does not have the testicular fortitude to end her hellish amd abusive marriage to her violent permanently disabled fireman husband. The last incident of the Cuz begging for financial help to move into an apartment followed by FB pics of her beach vacation with her BFFs on our rescue money ended it. The calls still come in but DW let's the Cuz suffer her beatings without our money. DW sobs over it but the Cuz has made her own bed regarding how her money grubbing crap goes down with my wife.