You are in a difficult position right now. She has alienated his kids. So he misses them and anything you say about him seeing them or putting conditions on him seeing them will only put the focus on you,  and make you look like the bad person. The gifts tell you a lot about her deception and that she wants to play games. The best way to win, is to refuse to play.

My advice is say nothing, and stay out of it. Let him see his children with your blessing. Don't give BM the control of making you be the bad guy. Only focus on your relationship as If the SKs and BM didn't exist. 

I love my SO he is a good man, but when it comes to the SKs and ex they have him all manipulated and twisted. He can't see what everyone else does. I have to let him experience it for himself, and come to learn his mistakes in his own. I have learned to not get caught up in the drama. 

He needs to return that gift to her immediately. If he doesn't, you have a lot to think about. It's one thing to have skids who won't speak to you, it's another to have BM actively pursuing your BF.  If he keeps giving in because he's afraid, nothing will get better here.

Many BMs and skids try this "It's her or me" tactic, though this is a much more intense version.

It puts the bio dad in an impossible situation because he doesn't want to have to choose between his own children and his romantic future. The best way to deal with this is to remind him that he doesn't have to make a choice. If he has a court order he can use that to enforce custody. Nobody other than his BM has set up this to be a choice for him period her doing that it's just her trying to control his life. There are ways around it if he has a CO.

Of course most men become quite spineless in this situation and will say that they don't want to involve the police to enforce custody, they don't want to hold her contempt of court, they don't want to go back to court etc... In those cases he really has the option of giving up on seeing his kids (and if he won't take it the legal route then that is what he's doing) or give up any chance of ever having a normal romantic relationship. Because you guys can break up and then BM will allow him to see the kids but what about when he starts dating the next person? The problem is BM setting hoops for him to jump through and the only thing that's going to solve it is your husband growing a spine and standing up to her and standing up for his own rights to which he is entitled to. Just because BM is BM doesn't mean that she can do this without recourse.

You will find that bm's crumble quite quickly when you involve the police in custody or threaten to hold her in contempt of court. 

Not quite sure my exact advice on this but I disagree with just ignoring it.  If you are in this for the long haul with your BF and making your relationship permanent, he needs to nip this behavior now or it will be life lasting.  

I don't know your story or BM/your SO and SK's but at some point these kids are going to have to accept that you are in his life.  Are you saying visits are at BM's house?  That is not practical and should not be happening under any circumstances if that is the case.  His kids are never going to change their mind about you if this is all ignored.  It is also a lot of drama to ask you to accept.  Is he at least appreciative of that? 

They are teenagers not baby's he needs to get ahead of this now. 

There is nothing sexy about a man letting his children and his ex make decisions for his life. This would be a deal-breaker for me. I would suggest therapist to help sort your feelings out and see if this is something you can live with. 

Absolutely not. BM should be facilitating the visiting schedule. The teens do not get to decide. He needs to show BM and SKs that he is serious and file for contempt of the CO. A simple "they don't want to come over" isn't acceptable. Unless you have put the SKs in harms way, etc. a judge will 100% side with you. He doesn't need to get a lawyer to file for the paperwork, just go to the courthouse. 

What was your BFs reaction to the "news"? This is a tell-tale sign. Was he ready to go ahead and NOT have the SKs come over? Was he ready to go visit at BMs or a neutral place instead? It would bother me that BF isn't standing up for you and saying "_____ is my GF and she is a part of my life. It's not changing. You don't have to like her, you don't have to have a relationship with her. But you need to accept it." HUGE red flag if he is not standing up for you. 

Also, what did he say about the gift? Did it make him feel awkward? Did he address it with the children? Exes don't buy exes gifts. Period. SKs can get something for their Dad, but this obviously wasn't the case at all. 

I'd think long and hard about this one. 

**P.S. - yes, most men are spineless when it comes to these situations. HOWEVER, there are exceptions. When DH and I started dating BM flipped. She hated that she couldn't drop by his house unannounced. She hated that the three of us were spending time together. She was ALSO still pursuing DH. I was ready to leave. DH put his foot down and filed for a restraining order. SD was still able to go visit BM, but she was NO LONGER welcome in our personal lives. Honestly, if he hadn't done this and stood up for me, I would have left. 

I understand how you feel. It's a gut-punch when you see the ex act in any way familiar with your SO. When they tangle in the kids and basically put you in a position where you can't say anything without sounding like a big B? Even worse.

There are two ways to handle this. You can either tap out of this relationship and say it isn't worth it or you can find the humor in how pathetic of a display of power this is.

I personally have taken the humor approach when BM has gotten far too friendly. At first, I was angry and hurt, and jealous. But, as time went on, and as I watched DH look at her like she grew a second head, I just found it funny. No matter what she tried, DH showed her and me that she wasn't a threat.

Now, in your situation, I don't know how your SO is showing you that you are important to him. If he is making you feel guilty for feeling alone and tossed aside, or acts like any of this is somehow your fault, I'd toss him to the curb. But, if his life involves having a relationship with his kids away from you, but still makes you his priority, it might be worth staying with him. 

No matter how this shakes out, what you need to not let it do is bring you any further down. BM is playing games and using her kids as pawns. You being upset is only further playing the game with her. D your best to stop caring, or showing that you care. So she bought a gift. You have no control over that. SO has no control over that. That isn't the thing to be upset by. How your SO reacts, though, definitely is your concern. That's where you need to focus your energies, should you choose to focus on this at all.

IMHO The only men who would struggle with how to respond to this kind of crap are men with no balls.   Your BF needs to put his foot up his XW's ass to put an end to her manipulative shit and give his failed family progeny clarity that manipulative crap will be met with zero tolerance and a state of abject misery.

smh

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