Out of sight out of mind or insensitive?
This is a really dumb dilemma yet I am struggling with how to go about it. Every year around the holidays we take new family pictures and update the pictures hanging around the house. We put all the pictures in a box to paint the walls and bought new frames back in May so they haven't been up for awhile. We have already printed out a handful of pictures from this summer and then we have our new pictures with the baby to put in the new frames.
SD has been gone a long time now she has completely blocked everyone out. She sent a few nasty messages to my MIL but that is the last anyone has heard. I really don't want to put any photos of her up on the wall for several reasons (making DH upset, painful reminders, and the kids getting upset and start asking for her again). I also don't want to hurt my DH by having none of her up. I feel like maybe it's insensitive but I just want to put up all the pictures we took and not worry about having SD in any of them.
I want us to move forward in life with or without her. We packed away all her things and transformed her room into an office/homeschool room. Since doing that I noticed the kid's are not so upset and asking where she is constantly. I also think I am going to leave her ornaments in the attic and not put them on the tree this year. Would it be insensitive to my husband to not have any photos up of SD or reminders of her? I am not trying to erase her but all reminders of her are a huge trigger to DH and the kids. After all she's not dead she is just being a nasty little brat. What would you do?
I would just replace the
I would just replace the pictures and if your DH notices and takes offense then let him put the older picture back up. When Spawn left our home I took down all the old photos of her and put them away and put up new photos of just us. DH never said anything about it, I don't think he even noticed.
I wouldn't Put any up
But my view is a bit skewed considering mine and SO have 1 daughter togrther and have 2 photos of her in the house. The rest are of his boys. If I had my way my home would be a shrine to my own daughter haha
I'd ask your DH. It's not
I'd ask your DH. It's not your job to protect him from his own feelings in relation to his own daughter. Nor is it your job to determine if something will or won't be hurtful. He is an adult that needs to decide how he wants to move forward, and if that means no photos or ornaments, so be it. I think you could easily explain to him why you think it's best not to display these things, but if you're really doing it to save his feelings, then he needs to decide if it actually saves them or not.
This!
This! I was going to say to consider leaving this up to your DH. You are analyzing this to the point of stressing you out. I agree with Lieutenant_dad to ask DH. If you make this photo decision/ornaments/etc on your own, then the blame or finger pointing would be on you as well if someone's feeling were hurt.
Well, DH should have a say
Well, DH should have a say too, and it's not healthy to just pretend she doesn't exist. Maybe a couple pictures here and there would be enough.
That's what I wanted to avoid
That's what I wanted to avoid. I didn't want to pretend she didn't exist and I also didn't want to trigger another depressive episode. I thought about it a little more after posting and kind of just want to put it off for another few months and revisit it later. I think doing it right now is going to push him over the edge and make a bigger mess.
Well, that's why asking him
Well, that's why asking him makes sense. Let him decide how he needs to deal with it and what's best for him (balanced with what's best for you and the kids).
Agree with Tog and Lt. Dad.
Agree with Tog and Lt. Dad. Talk to yoru husband. We don't know what he wants or what will upset him. Best to be up-front and discuss it rather than try to guess and tiptoe around the issue.
Agreed. He actually brought
Agreed. He actually brought up the ornament thing on his own last night. So I asked about the family pictures while we were on the subject. He said for sure he doesn't want the ornaments on the tree and pictures he wants me to just pick out pictures that I like and if she isn't in them oh well.
I tend to tiptoe around because I never know how he is going to handle it that day. Somedays he is fine and it doesn't ruin his day. Other days he is devastated and it ruins his whole day. On those days I just have to wait until he pulls himself out of it but it's very uncomfortable vibe in the house on those days.
We have a few photos up.
Of both kiddos. I am looking to print some and make some collages. Ill include my family. DH can worry about the not having photos on his own time, because Im not going to worry about it.
I want to do updated christmas card photos, and will have that talk with DH.
When you revisit this, I'd put some of her up
If I were your DH, even though theres been an upset, Id still want to see her as one of my kids. Think if it was you, no. matter what had happened, you would still want to see a picture of your "black sheep" child among the others.
Hmmm.. I totally understand
Hmmm.. I totally understand where you are coming from. SD was a flower girl in our wedding, but was in a total mood. Pictures she was in turned out awful. Frowning the whole time and looking angry. No, I did not print those and no they are not hanging up! Why would anyone want to see that. SD made a comment once, why am I not in those? DH understood and told her "It was a hard day for you and you weren't in many."
I think it's totally fine to put up "ours" pictures. If SD isn't involved recently you can't force it. We have a couple of pictures up from YEARS ago (first day of school, pumpkin patch, etc.) where they are decent and look good. Sorry, but I"m not going to put pictures up with a scowl on her face. Neither DH or I want to be reminded of the attitude.
Ugh. The dreaded picture conundrum.
I agree with Gimlet. You seem like a very loving and empathetic woman, but you need to prioritize your own happiness and learning where the line between your marriage and your DH's issues lies. He's made mistakes with his baggage, and he's the one who has to pay the price for that, not you. Tog and It dad are right about these skid problems - be matter of fact, get his input, and carry on. No more eggshells!
When I was younger and still drinking the step Kool-Aid, I had the stereotypical wall of skid photos and pictures of DH's people throughout the house. I'm not actually a fan of having people pictures staring down at me, preferring to display art, but I was a doormat back then.
After I disengaged and made friends with reality, the day came when I looked around my living room and SAW how pathetic it was to have no pictures of ME or the things and people I love. So part of my disengagement journey was changing that, and it was a small yet significant step in rebuilding my self worth and taking back my life.
Participants participate.
Participants participate. Nonparticipants.... well... they do t participate. She chose to not participate in the annual picture tradition so... there is no pictures of her.
Keep it simple. You might shift last years pics to an album and stick it under the coffee table on the off chance anyone wants to see them.
That way your tradition can progress and you can point to last year's album if DH takes issue with his failed family progeny not being in this years pics.