"Just do it" is my first response. But if the kids are young, if it means your DH will start doing cleanup and other duties, then tell him calmly. I did it with YSS in his teen years when DH would not back me up. I didnt say anything, just stopped accompanying DH to YSS's sports events, stopped discussing YSS, etc. He was living with us and capable of handling his own functions. He already wasn't eating my meals (picky eater) so no big deal there. To tell the truth, YSS seemed relieved that I'd backed awsy.
I maintained disengagement for years. The past couple years, though, he and I have become closer. He has matured and been through a lot. Maybe I matured, too. Lol. Right now, he is making a heroic effort to turn around a wayward daughter and I've grown to respect him so much (and told him to both our surprise).
I did not tell DH, he would not have accepted it at all, I knew this. However, he also didn't want me to parent. So WTH?
I just started slowly saying no to helping with some things, stopped doing some things I usually did and asked that DH do other things. Not all at once. I had to konw where to start and what would work for me. I took some things over without asking anyone and wouldn't tolerate some behaviors any longer and didn't give two thoughts about what would DH think.
I have been disengaged since 2003 and I never told DH I was doing it. Partly because back then I didn't have a name for it, but I wouldn't have told him even if I had. It just gives them an excuse to give you a hard time over it.
Well - that depends. If you are stopping things that he needs to pick up, then you will have to tell him. You can't just stop cooking dinner or doing school pick-ups without letting him know.
But if you just plan to stay out of parenting or giving him advice/suggestions, then don't say anything.
Yes. But if you stop cooking you need to tell him why, factually. I told DH that since I did all the cooking and most of the grocery shopping when it was just he and I, that he needed to step up when YSD was with us and cook then. I also told him I would not do ALL the shopping in preparation for her. He needed to figure out what she wanted to eat and I couldn't do it.
He accepted it and dislikes it to this day. He also tried to get out of it fairly frequently. I refuse to help unless he specifically asks and has a legitimate reason.
Cleanup of shared areas in the house I gave no warnings. If things were left out more than 24hrs or after SDs left for BMs I decided what to do with them, no questions.
Comments
Hi should I announce I’m
Hi should I announce I’m disengaging or just do it ?
Just do it. Why give anyone a
Just do it. Why give anyone a reason to argue with you?
Just do it
"Just do it" is my first response. But if the kids are young, if it means your DH will start doing cleanup and other duties, then tell him calmly. I did it with YSS in his teen years when DH would not back me up. I didnt say anything, just stopped accompanying DH to YSS's sports events, stopped discussing YSS, etc. He was living with us and capable of handling his own functions. He already wasn't eating my meals (picky eater) so no big deal there. To tell the truth, YSS seemed relieved that I'd backed awsy.
I maintained disengagement for years. The past couple years, though, he and I have become closer. He has matured and been through a lot. Maybe I matured, too. Lol. Right now, he is making a heroic effort to turn around a wayward daughter and I've grown to respect him so much (and told him to both our surprise).
Thank you.... they are 6,8,
Thank you.... they are 6,8, and 13.
I did not tell DH, he would
I did not tell DH, he would not have accepted it at all, I knew this. However, he also didn't want me to parent. So WTH?
I just started slowly saying no to helping with some things, stopped doing some things I usually did and asked that DH do other things. Not all at once. I had to konw where to start and what would work for me. I took some things over without asking anyone and wouldn't tolerate some behaviors any longer and didn't give two thoughts about what would DH think.
I have been disengaged since
I have been disengaged since 2003 and I never told DH I was doing it. Partly because back then I didn't have a name for it, but I wouldn't have told him even if I had. It just gives them an excuse to give you a hard time over it.
Never
Telegraph your punches.
Well - that depends. If you
Well - that depends. If you are stopping things that he needs to pick up, then you will have to tell him. You can't just stop cooking dinner or doing school pick-ups without letting him know.
But if you just plan to stay out of parenting or giving him advice/suggestions, then don't say anything.
Yes. But if you stop cooking
Yes. But if you stop cooking you need to tell him why, factually. I told DH that since I did all the cooking and most of the grocery shopping when it was just he and I, that he needed to step up when YSD was with us and cook then. I also told him I would not do ALL the shopping in preparation for her. He needed to figure out what she wanted to eat and I couldn't do it.
He accepted it and dislikes it to this day. He also tried to get out of it fairly frequently. I refuse to help unless he specifically asks and has a legitimate reason.
Cleanup of shared areas in the house I gave no warnings. If things were left out more than 24hrs or after SDs left for BMs I decided what to do with them, no questions.