After many years of blended stepfamily bliss, things fell apart when SD turned 16 and had needs that I, as a reasonably stable person with realistic rules about boundaries, would not support. The BMW, the cell phone, the credit cards -- I put limits on all, and when abused, I started taking things away from her. Well, this caused World War III between me and my stepdaughter, who thought I was being mean and cruel. Unfortunately, at the time, her father, my husband since she was 1, sided with her. He told me and her in no uncertain terms that it was "wrong" of me to "punish" an "adult." I stood my ground and it caused a rift that has lasted four years. Even so, we continue to pay for things that in our life are somewhat essential to her now - car, insurance, tuition and gas. Spending money? Her own problem, in our view.

My husband is now unemployed due to a psychiatric condition and I am the primary breadwinner. That said, our now 20 year old daughter had the gall to take Dad alone to see a plastic surgeon to see renderings of what her nose would look like if she fixed it. (It actually is a bad nose and if you are a plastic surgery person, you would fix it. I wouldn't because I would never change my face, but that's me.) After a few days contemplation, he told her that he would not pay for it, and if she really wanted it, she could go get an interest free student loan (which she will be eligible for but won't need since we are paying for tuition). She threw and absolute fit. He ACTUALLY stood his ground and I am so proud of him. He was calm, rational, loving but firm. WOW. He explained to her how important it was for her to start to achieve financial independence. Judging from his side of the convo, she was a complete brat. Accusing him of having an "off day," sending him mean texts, telling him he is being unfair, etc, etc. I cannot call her because I don't want to get in the middle (and probably confirm her underlynig belief that I am the obstacle to her princessdom), but here is what I would say to her:

1. You are NOT entitled to a nose job.
2. If you want a nose job so badly, GET A JOB.
3. Stop running up Dad's credit card and thinking that he won't notice you were just supposed to use it for gas, and stop LYING about it. We see the bills. How stupid do you think we are?
4. You owe your father (and me for that matter) respect, humility, grace, and thanks for paying for what we do pay for,not to mention the countless hours he spent building legos, playing Princess, dress up, and watching Fantasia about 1000 times.
5. Just because you are in this family does not mean you are entitled to our financial success. I work for my spoils, and you father worked hard for many years to achieve what we have. You try it.
6. If you want a nose job so badly, go get a loan, or better yet, GET A JOB.
7. If you want us to "love you" then start by loving others and being nice instead of entitled.
8. If money is that important to you, date someone other than an unemployed college graduate who still lives at home, or better yet, DONT THINK MONEY IS THAT IMPORTANT. IT ISN'T.
9. And for future reference, YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO A DOWNPAYMENT ON A CONDO, ANOTHER CAR, OR A BIG WEDDING THAT WE PAY FOR.
10. Oh yeah, get of the couch and GET A JOB!