Appropriate Boundaries
Hi, brand new here. Discovered this site after a disagreement with my fiance. We've been dating just over 2 years, I have two teenage sons and he has an 18 year old daughter. BM has been remarried since shortly after their divorce 4 years ago. For two years, BM and her husband have been unemployed, drunk most days, sleeping all day, up all night. They can remain unemployed due to a significant inheritance she received. Anyway, apparently she has cleaned up her act (I've heard this same thing at least a dozen times), and it's being a great parent now. Daughter mostly lives with mom. Yesterday was her 18th birthday. I received a text in the middle of the day from fiance telling me he was invited to join BM and daughter for a birthday dinner. Not me. Not new husband. Just the 3 of them. Later, he tells me what a great time he had. I was annoyed and he just didn't get it. Now I'm second guessing myself but this comes on the heels of two other things. A planned homecoming party at dads house, with BM there to "chaperone " and another planned prom party at his house with BM there to handle all the details. Why not her house?? Am I being petty? Co- parenting is great but this doesn't feel like co-parenting to me. Advice?
My husband does not go on
My husband does not go on dates with his Ex and his kids. He may have a meal or visit with his kids without me.. but his EX is NOT involved. This is not appropriate..
I have never understood this
I have never understood this reuniting of the broken family to appease the child. Your SO needs to learn appropriate boundaries with his ex and his child.
Totally inappropriate. Zero
Totally inappropriate. Zero reason why DH can't have dinner alone or seperate plans with SD for her birthday. They are no longer a family. SD has TWO families. Your DH and BM need to be realistic about this. Since SD is now an adult, I'd be weary of all three "getting together" for these little dates. Make it clear to DH that his plans need to be separate from BM.
Co-parenting involves making JOINT decisions about the child. Medical, educational, financial, etc. It does NOT include hanging out, dinner dates, etc. Don't let BM or DH fool you into thinking this is co-parenting AT ALL. Also, since SD is 18 now, I would say there is even LESS reason for DH and BM to talk. Instead of THEM making decisions for SD, she should begin making her own....
Validation
Thank you so much for validating what I knew was inappropriate behavior. I have shared your comments with my SO and will wait to see what happens next.
My SS is almost 21 and DH and
My SS is almost 21 and DH and BM haven't had a conversation in 5 years. No need to "co-parent" when the kids are adults.
Failed families failed for a
Failed families failed for a reason and have no place in your relationship with this man. He either gains clarity on this immediately or... you move on and find someone with half a brain and who will make you and his relationship with you his priority.
Xs have no place in the lives of people who have moved on to new relationships. There is no "just the three of them" family. That family went down the shitter years ago and needs to stay down the shitter. Your SO needs to understand that his X has zero place in his present or future. Particularly in his relationship with his daughter. More importantly his X has no place in your life whatsoever. That means there is no him and them. There certainly can be him and a relationship with his daughter but that too is withing context of the relationship that you and he have
BM is leveraging daddy to bankroll her vision for parties for the failed family spawn. He needs to gain clarity, extricate his head from his ass, and put an end to BMs manipulative bullshit.
If he doesn't, you know where you stand and you know that you have no place of priority for your SO. He is more interested in playing happy family with his failed family than in making a life with you.
Coparenting is just bullshit spineless moron language for someone who has no testicular fortitude or ability to live their lives without bullshit from their X. Breeding status does not award an X with any standing in the life of the other party to the failed family.
Period. Dot.