My boyfriend's ex spouse refuses to meet me.
I am a 50 y/o, divorced (x 10 years), single mom. I did not date for 8 years following my divorce as I wanted to raise my two young daughters (now aged 23 and 21) free of any dating drama. I did it and did it well. My kids are incredible.
I have been dating a man for the past two years. He recently moved in with me. My kids have moved out of my house and we (my boyfriend and I) are planning a future together. This man has two adult aged children of his own. Both reside two hours away with their mother. My boyfriend and his ex are very close. After their reportedly amicable divorce they moved two houses away from each other as to make the divorce as easy as they could on their kids. I respect them both for this, as my ex and I have not spoken in many years.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend's ex does not want to meet me. I am not sure as to why. My boyfriend believes that it is because seeing her ex with another woman is too hard on her. They have been divorced since 2014 or so. She has been dating the same man since their divorce. I am my boyfriend's first girlfriend since his divorce. My boyfriend has gone to family functions without me, as he does not want to miss spending time with his kids. I totally get this, but I am beginning to become weary of being left out of his family functions.
Thanksgiving is quickly approaching. I asked him how this was going to look for us this year, as up until now we did not live together. It seems as though I am not invited to Thanksgiving with his children. Nor was I invited to his ex wife's family vacation...he was and did attend without me last year. His kids were there, so...
I end up feeling guilty and shameful when I bring up the hurt I feel regarding this issue with him. He told me last night that I make him feel bad for wanting to see his children, for evidently if he insists on bringing me to their family function he will not be allowed to see his kids. I end up feeling petty and immature. I can't help feeling the way I do though. Perhaps a bit of it is missed expectations, as I always envisioned a relationship in which my partner and I would be able to share every part of our lives together. I am missing out on sharing the biggest part of his (his kids) with him bc of the ex.
Any insight is appreciated.
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Comments
Why did they divorce if they
Why did they divorce if they're so chummy?
Why is he vacationing w the
Why is he vacationing w the ex? Why does she have to meet you? All the "kids" are adults, correct? Your SO has poor boundaries w his ex. I wouldn't stand for that.
"For the kids" my a$$. They
"For the kids" my a$$. They might have been friendly and close "for the kids" while they were growing up, but they are now adults. When does it end? Will he ever spend a holiday with you? Time for him to have a relationship with his kids without the exwife.
Right now you're the side chick. He's with you when the exwife doesn't have anything else planned for him. Vacationing with her is completely over the top and, if it were me, his stuff would be out on the lawn on the next rainy day and locks changed.
THIS!!
Did you ask your SO why it's
Did you ask your SO why it's okay for his ex to have her boyfriend around the kids but not for him? I smell a closet Disney Dad who is afraid to tell his entitled kids and BM no!
Yeah, toss this one back. He
Yeah, toss this one back. He's not emotionally divorced and is allowing his ex- wife to control him via his kids. There is nothing but hurt here for you.
There is zero way that I
There is zero way that I could be in a comitted relationship with a man when I was intentionally excluded from a part of his life like this. I don't mean that he can't have golf buddies.. or play poker with the boys without you. I mean, he doesn't leave you behind to go play happy family several times a year.. and go on VACATION for heavens sake with his ex and ADULT kids???!!!???
I mean, I don't care if the Exwife doesn't want to meet you. who cares as she should be totally irrelevant and a non-player in his life since his children are adults. The fact that they still live with mom doesn't mean that he has to see them WITH her... they can see him at his home.. or at another location..
Group vacations where you are expressly excluded???? H to the E to the double hockey sticks NO!
I mean.. if you were open to one of those new age every one gets along separations couple situations where you were warmly included and wanted to be included.. great.. fine.. more power to everyone for being so adulty.. but that is not what is happening. His EX is making the unilateral decision.
So, this is the ultimatum... he spends holidays and vacations with YOU... if he wants to continue to go to his Ex's home for holidays and vacation with them.. YOU are included.. if you are not welcome.. he needs to make a decision.. either stay with you.. or he can attend those events without you and your relationship ends.
I don't always like ultimatums but in this case.. there is really zero compromise that you should be included in these major life events with him. I'm not saying he can't see his kids without you really.. he can... but without their mother present... that relationship is over. and so are her happy family fantasies.
How would he feel?
If you talk to him and he doesnt get it, ask how he'd feel If you went on vacation with your ex.
Also...
Who cares if she refuses to meet you? Perhaps after all this baloney, you refuse to meet her.
I am so mad for you right now
I am so mad for you right now. No amount of good looks, money, companionship, sex, or anything else would be enough to make this situation worth it.
What you described mirrors
What you described mirrors what my parents did. My dad initiated the divorce. Moved 2 blocks away....And continued sleeping with my mom. For YEARS. While he was dating other women on and off. Also went on vacations with me and my mom, as you described...She's still not over him. He's now remarried.
I'd be cautious. Something between them isn't "kosher," so to speak. Maybe they werent sleeping together, but there was definitely an emotional entanglement of some sort.
My MIL's sister had a husband
My MIL's sister had a husband who cheated on her.. they divorced.. and he ended up marrying the mistress. Because my MIL's sister was so "it's all for the children"... she was included and attended all holidays at her Exhusband's home.. and his mistress.. I mean wife was included. they went on vacation together.
As a stepmother.. I could not FATHOM doing something so crazy.. I halfway wasn't thrilled taking the skids on vacation.. much less including an EX partner???? I also wouldn't have wanted to be on the other side.. watching my Ex's new wife that broke up the marriage (yeahh i know they both did).. play happy family... gross.
OP, you need to start hanging
OP, you need to start hanging out with some of your exes.You know, quality time with some hot guy while your SO is left home.
But seriously, this is completely dysfunctional. You are indeed the side chick. Time to boot him from your life.
If he wants to revolve his
If he wants to revolve his life around his ex and kids, and the ex won't let someone new in (which the ex should never have the power to do, but I'll play along), then he doesn't have room to have a relationship with anyone that is more than just a casual fling.
He wants his cake and to eat it, too. He has split the "wife" position in his life into two entities: the "mother" and the "mistress". You're the latter. You're there to warm his bed and help line his pocket book, and give him company when it fits into his schedule. Anything of substance, though, is saved for "the mother" because she has the possession he is most proud of - his children.
No one deserves to be a plaything in a relationship where they want to be a partner.
When i married hubby, skids were 8, 15 and 18.
The sd8 & sd18 had ceased contact with hubby about 2 yrs prior. Even now 6 yrs into our marriage, i have never wanted to or felt the need to meet the crazy woman!! Heck my husband hasn't seen the psycho in over 11 yrs
eldest sd is now 25 and she tried desperately 2.5 yrs ago to have hubby come to her stepdads home (the guy bio mum was having an affair with whilst they were married, before they were even separating), when a sd or skid has no bad feelings to thei mother for whoring around and cheating on their dad who was the sole income earner and worked his arse off to build a future where they wouldn't struggle like he did, thats just effed up
Just know that he will think
Just know that he will think you are jealous. Realize that you are not. Be a strong woman that knows her worth and put up those boundaries. This is all about control from an ex wife and a balless man that cannot stand up to her. No one should treat their spouse like this.
oh...and that OP is insecure...
^^^^ yes, Peach!! Bravo!
OP, the PP's here are spot on with what they advise. I could've written this post several years ago, your SO is not emotioanlly divorced from the exWhore and before more skeletons pop out of the closet, please think hard about getting your independence back.
Your SO knows exactly what he's doing and ignoring anything you want because you are on the 'outside' of their bubble of dysfunctional happy family. SO is enjoying the attention from her and from you. Are you are happy with scraps of his time when exWhore isn't getting her fill of the attention?
It won't get better, you'll wear yourself out until your self-esteem plummets...please remove yourself from these toxic people and live a good life. They are not well
In my 20's I might have said-
In my 20's I might have said--OH NO she does'nt like meeeee I JUST KNOW IT... that is why she wont MEET me. Maybe she is mad at Meeeeeee
(lol)
In my 30's I might have said-==DH, please tell her how nice I am. I realllly want to know her so I can help understand the chillll-drennnn more. I really want ALLL of us to get along for the chillll-drennns sake. Please find a way for us to meet, K?
In my 40's I might have said- maybe she is going thru the change???
In my 50's I might have said -To hell with this garbage. Life is to short and frankly I DO NOT GIVE &^*&
Ma'am you say you are in your 50's. ??? IF he wants to hang out with his x and the kids v YOU and the kids, I would strongly suggest finding a man who see's YOU in his life, not just his x.
Your being used for some reason or another. $$$? or sex? or both?
Are you sure he is divorced?