He is the perfect SS but I can’t stand him
Okay. I have been reading this site for a while and I finally feel I am at wits end. Thank you all for providing this space. The guilt and anger I have had the past three years has been exhausting. I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
I am a 27 year old engaged to a 31 year old man with a 8 year old son. We have been together right around 3 years. When I first met his son I thought he was nice enough. Quiet, polite and played video games. Never gave me a hard time. Dating someone with a child was never something I thought about doing but I was like I got this.
i have always made more financially than my fiancé so I didn't feel weird contributing more. The past year I bought the boys school supplies, Halloween costume, items for his room including a bed when we moved in together etc. the BM is friendly with me but she's worthless to put it nicely so I know he doesn't get much attention when he's with her.
Now that we all live together I've been at wits end. He stays in his room all day playing video games. He's had accidents of pooping his underwesr and hiding them. I was the one to find the underwear and told his dad and everyone seemed to act like he would "grow out of it". Well he didn't. I tried everything from positive talk when he would go, to video game breaks, to no games after accidents and it kept occurring.
it's at the point now when I know he's coming to stay with us( 3day/2day switch schedule) I get an attitude and usually stay in my room alone or end up fighting with my fiancé. I feel conflicted because the son really likes me but I can't stand him. I can usually be nice and kind and even spend time with him while he's here but it's exhausting and forced. I love my fiancé and we never fight- until it's our days with his son. I feel guilty for feeling this way because the only issues have been hygiene and I blame his parents for not teaching him properly, but the idea of dealing with this for the next 10+ years seems impossible. Do I leave?
I hope this makes sense. This is my first forum post ever but I am currently waiting for them both to get home trying to relax.
thank you all!
What has your fiance done to
What has your fiance done to help his son? I see a big long list of things that you have done to help with his toilet issues, but nothing that he has done????
If your fiance cannot step up and parent his child and get him the proper help and consistently work towards solving this issue then that is a big indicator for the future. This one issue with the pooping may get resolved, but if you are the one doing the resolving of your ss's issues every time they arrise then you will continue to grow resentful.
I am not sure of any other life circumstance where adults willingly choose to remain living with people that they actively dislike than step parenting. If your fiance cannot address issues that directly affect you and cannot adequatley parent his child without overburdening you then I am not sure I would stay in this relationship and hope that his son magically disapears in 10 years time.
If you really want to give this relationship a go then I would delay any impending wedding and insist on couples therapy to help your fiance see that if he wants to keep you he needs to step up as a parent.
It’s a cycle
Thank you for your comment. You are absolutely right.
we have had huge arguments where I expressed I feel like I do everything for him and I'm not even his biological parent. We get into a cycle. We fight, he improves and is more active for a while and then it goes right back to the same ol same ol. The last big argument is where I had to push for him to take him to the doctor to ensure the accidents weren't caused by something. The doctor said he is fine.
i agree on the counseling. I think that's the problem right. If he didn't have a kid, maybe it would just take longer to find the issues or maybe they are from him having resentment with his baby mom, and it wouldn't be this way with our own child, who knows. And that's where I need to work on my feelings because I in a way, feel like it's the son's fault when he didn't ask for any of this. I'm just worried if I do the route of staying if I could ever get over what has happened so far.
It's not the son's fault, you
It's not the son's fault, you are right - it's your SO's fault. His poor parenting is the problem. It' s not your job to parent his kid. Yes, you will be possibly less resentful if it's YOUR kid, because you will be invested in addressing the problems. But in this case, you get to address the issues while your SO sits around ... doing what? It's his kid.
I'd put off any wedding plans until your SO commits to being a better parent. If his kid is so focused on games that he shits himself, then he needs FAR fewer games in his life. My DH was a strong parent, but BM was not. DH said that SS once wet himself while gaming when he and BM were together, and he knew then that SS would have a gaming problem. Welp, fast forward, my SS is 20 and thanks to BM's crap parenting, SS does pretty much nothing except game. DH tried to set limits, BM allowed it all the time. I think SS probably doesn't wet himself anymore, but he also doesn't work or go to school, or do anything except sit at BM's house gaming.
Please heed the red flags here and get some couples' therapy. Your SO is the real problem here.
No video games. End of
No video games. End of problem.
We are at that point
That's what I proposed. And it would still happen- just playing legos, then reading a book. I think we are in a better place of recognizing he has a lot to learn when it come to hygiene. Again, I have been the one pushing you have to brush your teeth everyday, wash your face etc.
i feel like there is hope in the regards of him growing and being better with his hygiene, I just feel hopeless for me wanting to be a part of it. And that makes me feel guilty
This is at least the 2nd or
This is at least the 2nd or 3rd time I've heard of old enough steps pooping their pants. What the heck is going on with these kids?! My first thought is always sexual abuse and if not that then there has to be a mental issue going on there. I can't imagine being that age and just sitting there pooping while continuing to play video games. It's not like poop just slides out, you have to use some muscle and you are aware of what's going on so it just is beyond me why any old enough would do such a thing!
i don't know that I could ever get over that issue despite how perfect kid is or if it stops. I'd never forget. I do know I wouldn't handle that situation appropriately at all because my disgust would take over my mature and nice way to handle it. I'd shame and I know you're not supposed to do that. For sure take the video game away completely until he can go poop free for a set amount of time. And when he whines and cries id say okay then your wearing a diaper until you can prove to be a big boy. Not sure that's the "correct" way to handle it, but that's what I'd do.
I thought
The same thing. Especially the track record of his Mom I was concerned with who was around.
doctor shared it could be encopresis. Basically it hurts to go- they wait as long as possible and end up becoming numb to the sensation. I think it's a combination of he has a bad relationship with going to the bathroom and honestly laziness. He's even said he really wanted to finish a level and that's why he shit himself. I had to leave the house so I didn't freak out.
I appreciate you for saying that. That's how I feel. Like honestly disgusted. And even though it hasn't happened for a while, I can't get over it.
thats what has been going on for the past few weeks. No video games, less accidents, but I'm exhausted having to double check. I had first notice because of the smell and then I wasn't finding his underwear when I was doing laundry (he was hiding in his closet).
You're a better person than
You're a better person than me. I'd be having Mr. Poopy Pants get his crusty underwear and scoop the sh*t into the toilet and put them in the wash himself. Idk I guess it's a mix of wanting to be mean for being gross and also the possibility of something wrong with him that you feel bad for the kid. Sorry you're going through that. I hope DH has starting doing the back work to resolve these issues rather than you.
feeling this way is normal
I think what you are feeling is normal because you are not his biological parent and you would take strain or not feel as close to him. Have you been in a relationship before with someone who has a child. It takes a lot of work and must be something you are willing to work on.
I would say if you cannot look at the situation and feel like there is hope, stop everything and leave. You are becoming emotionally exhausted.
This is my first time
Dating someone with a child. I enjoy children and have worked at a day care so I felt up to it especially by how much I loved his dad.
I think that's where I'm at. It's hard because his dad kinda blows over our conversations about it and then talks future all the time- meanwhile I am barely making it to the next day. I'm taking a trip to visit my brother and his wife for a few days to get some space and hopefully gain more clarity on what I should do next. We are in a lease together currently as well so I honestly feel trapped. I believe if we were living separately I would have left a while ago.
Talk to your landlord about
Talk to your landlord about what they would need for you to break the lease. Most landlords don't really care about lease breaking as long as there is not a break in them recieving rent. If you can assist the landlord in looking for a new tenant and pay rent until the new tenant moves in then they will probably be ok with it.
You need to move first. If
You need to move first. If you are no longer resident in the apartment and he is... you can work with the land lord proactively to calm any angst the land lord may have. If STBX is still living there, he can pay all of the rent. If he moves out.... work with the landlord to cover half of the rent and find a new tenant for the apartment.
I think you are paying more
I think you are paying more than your share, trying to solve problems your SO and BM should be solving, and you are losing respect for your fiance. That is somehow surfacing as feeling you don't like the child. Who would like the presence of the thing that brings worthless BM into your life, poopy pants from a preteen into your home, and expenses into your life that you didn't create? Truth is, though, the son is a victim of crappy parenting, and you are too because you have to live with the result.
You are young and independent and you pay for the majority of the expenses in your home. Lay down the law. Your fiance needs to step up a whole lot. I would suggest instead of completely cutting out the games, use them as a reward. Like, he gets an hour at the end of the day if he has behaved (not in trouble at school, been respectful and did chores at home, finished homework.) He should be able to go an hour without pooping himself. I used the games as something to strive for with my son and it was effective. Being that it's a step child, though, you won't be able to do this alone. If your fiance supports this, great. If not, move on. At least you tried. You don't have to take this nonsense. You've spent 3 years on this guy. Don't waste your life being miserable.
Too bad that there isn't a
Too bad that there isn't a cork that can be shoved up the shit beats back side.
smh
You are absolutely correct
Thank you for that. You are right. I think I try to find excuses when you spelled it out clear as day.
I agree. I have had serious conversations with him but I think its at the point of no return. What is frustrating is even when we begin to get into a good groove, (no accidents, good family time, no arguments) he's goes back to his BM and we start the cycle over. I've brought up getting full custody but there is always an excuse (money, don't want to be the bad guy) but when I talk to my SS he says he barely sees his BM when he's with her which pisses me off even more.
I think that is where most of my guilt comes from. He's a nice kid and has some issues yes, but you hit the nail on why and how I feel resentment toward him. This shit is hard ( no pun intended)
If the whole cycle starts
If the whole cycle starts over, maybe it'd be better to do custody arrangement of week on/week off instead of 3 on/3 off.
The pun may not be intended,
The pun may not be intended, but is a classic.
When you are 27, there are
When you are 27, there are plenty of men out there who don't have kids. There is no reason to settle for a guy who not only has a kid but is a crappy parent with a troubled child and doesn't pull his weight financially. If he's not bending over backwards to make you happy and put his best foot forward as a father before you're married,, imagine what it'll be like once you're married. Love often isn't enough.
Nothing to add that others
Nothing to add that others haven't already said, except: he's the perfect ShitStorm.
Make him clean up his own
Make him clean up his own crap. Make him wash his underwear by hand to your satisfaction. Then, and only then, can it be put into the washing machine.
I might suggest an experiment
I might suggest an experiment. Remove the video games 100% for a month. If the issue persists.. it's more than just being too lazy to go to the bathroom and his dad needs to get him to a doctor to figure out what his issue is.
Is it full on "full" pants.. or is it more like a very inefective wiping job? I know my SD's would occasionally have that issue.
We tried the one month
Thing and accidents still occurred. I ended up pushing for the doctor and the doctor said things look okay and maybe try a child stool softener. It's been better recently. He still stays cooped up in his room a lot but it could be worse.
it was full on. Like just sat there and released in his pants. It was pretty rough.
If you choose to stay (I'd
If you choose to stay (I'd strongly reconsider)...
1. Quit buying anything for SS. It is his bio parents responsibility to financially provide for him.
2. Stop caring/parenting more than his bio parents. This will lead to resentment on all sides.
3. Let DH parent his kid even though it seems like he really sucks at is and is just lazy. He is the parenting failure, not you. Don't make it your responsibility.
I've been there.
I experienced this with my most recent ex gf. She had a nine-year-old son who would shit his pants EVERY day. I never knew it until they started coming over very frequently and I was finding all these little brown crumbs all over my house. I was like wtf is this shit? Dirt?? It would be everywhere and always after they would spend the weekend over. Then I found a big one and cracked it open and it was straight shit. I already hated this kid because how disrespectful he was towards me so this was just the icing on the cake.
He would crap his pants and just leave it in there until it hardened and started breaking off into little shit crumbs all over my floor. Every time you went to the bathroom there would be all these little crumbs on the floor like someone took a handful of dirt and just sprinkled it around the toilet. My couch smelt like straight shit that he always sat on. I picked him up from school once and it literally smelled like someone took a dump in my backseat. I knew he crapped his pants and told him he needed to take a bath or shower once we got home and he absolutely refused and threw a total melt down fit. Took 30 mins to get him in. Like he just WANTED to sit in his own shit. He didnt even care. I couldn't believe it. Even my 4 and 6 yr old daughters dont crap their pants. Or even leave stains.. and haven't since 3.
Every time I brought this up to the mom she would get defensive and would never take care of the issue and just make up excuses. One day I found a pile of his dirty underwear and pants in the closet piled up all full of shit. I couldn't take it anymore. Gtfo now!!!
Parents rarely change
Know that this is how dad will passively handle everything in the future too- and bigger kids have bigger problems. So if it drives you nuts now I'd pass. I'm married to this now and over time it makes your head explode.
Of course I'm not 27 anymore so you go gurl. Figure out what your really want and dial that in. Don't saddle yourself with this nonesense!