Undermining and disrespecting me in front of his daughter
It's been happening off and in for a few years, but lately my bf and I have been having lots of added stress (the pandemic in general, financial worries, and, I've been battling a health issue for the past several months which has made me have to spend a lot of time in bed). These extra stressors have taken a toll on our relationship. Although he has picked up a lot of my slack, I feel he harbors resentment. One of the ways he's expressing it is that the undermining of me (not only to my face, but to his daughter [SD11]) has increased two-fold lately.
He will frequently belittle or act apathetic about my ideas in front of her, try to discredit things I say, criticize my parenting (of my own son, DS6) in front of her, and even reverse decisions I've made (like when I tell DS or SD "no" to something, he'll immediately say "yes," and make some remark about how I was wrong/incompetent to say "no"). SD11 has also "tattled" on me to her dad about things said (always w gaping omissions, I've noticed) and he will tell her "I don't agree with Tessa," or "Tessa doesn't understand what a terrible idea that was." The walls are thin here in our small house, and I've overheard these comments with my own ears.
Last night was one particularly hurtful example. DS6 (my bio) was acting out, and I disciplined him. SD11 "reported" this to her dad, who told her "Yes, I know, and I disagree with that. Tessa made a stupid decision." When I brought it up with my BF, as well as some other ways he has undermined me, and asked how can he expect his daughter to respect me when it's pretty obvious that he doesn't, and how if he disagrees with me, we should discuss it alone and not have him berate me behind my back to his kid, he laid into me and jumped down my throat, saying his daughter deserves to know how he feels and dammed if he's going to back me up when he doesn't agree. Then he said "I can't be around you" in a disgusted tone and passive aggressively left the room to sleep on the couch as I was trying to get a word in edgewise.
I know he's stressed to the max and overworked (esp lately with my health issues), but I'm not sure that's an excuse. He's always done this undermining from time to time, but now it's almost daily and leaves me feeling unheard, disrespected, and hurt.
how can I help him see how undermining my intelligence, parenting, ideas, etc, is so divisive and hurtful (even to his daughter)?
You could "help him see" -
You could "help him see" - but only if he were a mature, co-operative adult partner, who is able to see things from others' point of view. He sounds none of these things and I suspect you would be wasting your breath. Just looking back through your other blog titles suggests to me that it would be more appropriate for you to expend your energy on planning a life without this man. He sounds a plain old nasty narcissist, and these types of traits don't change over time, even if you explain to him till you're blue in the face.
Sorry but I would be looking
Sorry but I would be looking for a way out. Your bf is more of a partner with his 11 year old daughter than he is with you. This will only encourage his daughter to continue to tattle on you and to exaggerate what ever she is telling daddy. If you haven't already, you will find yourself in a position that your bf believes what ever his daughter says over anything you say.
Someday your son is going to
Someday your son is going to look at you and tell you "No mommy you are stupid" all because he hears your a$$hole BF saying these things to you. Do you really want your son being raised that way? Do you want him growing up with no respect for women because it was shown to him daily by some a$$hole loser you chose date?
Red flag. Get out.
Red flag. Get out.
Here is the total opposite I hear from my DH. For example, I heard SD complaining about something I did/said and apparently didn't like this morning. (not exactly sure what is was) But immediately heard DH say "Well, I'm your father and ____ is my wife, so that is how it is." And left it at that. SD10 is a total brat a majority of the time, but I can't say enough how I appreciate my DH communicating we are a united front, like it or not!
Don't waste your time. Kick
Don't waste your time. Kick he and his failed breeding g experiment out the door and leave them in the curb.
Stress is no excuse for how he is treating you.
Buh-bye asshole!
Dealing with stress really
Dealing with stress really brings out one's true character. Sure, we all snap now and then, but your BF has shown you repeatedly that he does not respect you. At all.
You tried to have an adult conversation with him and he threw another mantrum. He's wonderful and you're not is the message I got. He told you he can't be around you, so I'd give him his wish.
No way could I be with someone who didn't think I was wonderful. Remember--you ARE smart and capable, worth of respect and love.
Call
Call the domestic violence 800 number and get validation if this is abusive (looks like it) ask domestic violence hotline ppl for local resources...they give free counsel and can help you get away safely.
If u like to read, read Why Does He Do That, Behind the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Only 3 percent of abusers ever stop abusing because they like the benefits of the abuse.
If you decide to leave dont tell him...abuse escalates and could become physical. Quietly seek help from domestic violence, start packing things he wont notice like your soc card and important papers...pack an emergency exit bag with essentials and have a place to stay (friend or relative) because abusers dont just let you walk away easily.
Eventually if you leave only communicate via email that can be printed and shown to police to get a restraining order if necessary.
I agree with the poster who said he is teaching your son to abuse women...and he is abusing your son by proxy.
Be careful, get support and be safe!!