Teens are MEAN
Life with SD has been pretty great until three weeks agoish.
SD15 was at a funeral for a great grandmother she has never met... (New topic new drama )
I send her a meme like we send each other, this was at 9 in the morning visitation was not until 11. The text is SD, hubby, and me, we all just have a group chat.
She responds leave me the H$#@ alone I am upset I hate when you text me....
My response was First off don't be rude or cuss me, and second of all I didn't think anything was till 11 so I thought it was okay to text. (which normally is fine and she is all happy, but today she was in a mood.)
Then DH steps in, "Do NOT talk to her like that, no CHILD talks to a grown-up that way." So yes he corrected her.
Then 3 mins later I get a call from SD phone, I was at work so I do not answer. (I was on the phone with a customer so I couldn't). Its SD stepdad, he leaves me this awful voicemail. Calling me every name under the sun, and telling me she is upset and she can talk to me however she wants. He even called me the C-word, I HATE THAT WORD!
So I don't say a word I just ignore it and go on about my day. The next day I send her a good morning, hope you have a great day. (new day new start) .
This girl writes back you all owe me an apology, you all are horrible people. So on and so forth.
Which with us a child does not demand an apology, she can say hey you all hurt my feelings and tell us what's up, then we will talk it out.
The response from DH was civil, pretty much we do not say sorry for correcting you when you are wrong. You have to learn to talk to people when you are "upset" (this child has never met the lady and posted a selfie on snap chat with a dead body, smiling, girl has no class and was not upset).
So she gives us the silent treatment, which DH is the worse person to ever give that to, he can ignore with the best of them. So our day comes to pick her up and she is still nope not until you all say sorry. At this point with DH he is like fine stay home, BM isn't going to force her to come, and I honestly was not in the mood to even get involved. So she stays home and DH ignores her like she is him. (He did try calling her once to talk things over but she didn't answer and only texted back she wasn't talking unless he said sorry first).
So now we are here on the 2nd weekend she is missing, and she still saying we should say sorry, our relationship with her should mean enough to do it. Its a POWER play I think, but DH is still sticking to his word, you did wrong, we corrected you no sorry will be given.
What do we do, just let this play out or say sorry? DH has explained a sorry would not be given because there is nothing to be sorry for. It would be like a kid biting their sibling, a parent putting them in time out, and the kid is like hey say sorry because I can do no wrong. (well that's how I see it) .
Oh and to top it all off BM sends DH a message last night with her VENMO account number to send her money for something extra for SD. BM told DH you give her 100 everytime you drop her off and since you didn't get her last time can you please send me the money she needs blah blah blah..... UM NO he pays child support, we buy all school clothes/supplies, we send her grubhub 2-3 times a week, and DH paid for the entire set of braces... (PLUS ALOT MORE)...
It sounds like her mom and
It sounds like her mom and stepdad have really gotten in her head on this. To be honest, I would very likely enforce visitation if I were her father... separate her from what may be a PAS influence.
I mean, your text could have come at a time that wasn't good.. it may even have come through when she was with her mom who asked who it was from and when she said you.. her mom may have texted back not her.
He needs to do more than return her silent treatment when she gets there. He needs to ask her why she thinks anyone was trying to upset her? That when you sent the text to her, you could not know it was at a bad time and that she had never had issues with texts before so her reaction to you was uncalled for. Even when we may be hurting it is not right to hurt other people. See what she has to say for herself. I don't think he should let this go unaddressed further at this point.. and he should not allow her mother to build a bigger wall.
But... yeah.. teens can be hormonal turds.
No more extras for SD or BM.
No more extras for SD or BM.
And SF should be reported to the police. Have the cops put him on notice that he is not to contact you ever again.
Just wow. I thought I had the
Just wow. I thought I had the only step kid that was that ballsy!
My advice: Do not negotiate with terrorist. SD should not be given the option to not come over. She needs to come over this weekend AND be grounded for her abysmal behavior.
BM can go screw herself asking for $. And the Stepdad calling you and leaving a message like that!?!?! That is so far over the line I can't even think straight on how I would react- but it wouldn't be pretty and it would involve some kind of public shaming.
Good for your DH for being a
Good for your DH for being a strong parent. There is NO WAY on God's green earth I would even consider giving this girl extra money, or pay for anything extra when she's behaving this way. As for the apology, neither of you owe her one. If you think it's a situation where she has boxed herself into a corner with her request for one and would prefer things to go back to normal, I might consider saying something like "I'm sorry you were upset." I would not apologize for sending the meme or calling her out on her rude behavior, because those things were not wrong and to apologize for that is just pandering to a bratty kid.
Sounds like SD is being
Sounds like SD is being influenced by her mother/stepfather.
Maybe DH should file a CO violation against BM for not making SD visit. If not, he should not apologize and not give BM on red cent.
I think that your husband
I think that your husband should provide an oportunity for him and sd to meet up at a neutral location and have a discussion about everything so that they can hopefully better understand each other's views and why they got to the place where they are.
Silent treatment and ignoring and holding out for an apology is all well and good but when there is a BM and SF involved that are actively spewing hatred and not reconcilliation in SD's ear, she is not being shown how to make peace and move on.
Taking the time to give SD a chance to air her opinion and share what happened from her point of view is giving her the benifit of doubt to a child who up until now you say has always been a good kid.
Funerals and grief are stressful and emotional and even if she never met her great grandmother SD may not be used to dealing with those emotions. On top of that she was surounded by people who presumably did know this lady and were legitimately gieving, seeing the adults in your life grieving can be upsetting in itself.
I do not know what meme you sent, but I do think that it could be seen to be insensitive to send a jokey meme on the day she was attending a family funeral. Did you also send your condolences to her? Did you ask after her and if she was coping ok?
SD's response to you may have been out of line, but taking ownership for unintentionally upsetting her on a tough day would be the responsible thing to do in my mind and a good way to show SD how to back down from a stand off and reflect a little on the way our actions can harm others.
It's a nice idea in theory,
It's a nice idea in theory, but it likely won't work if her mother and stepfather are poisoning her. Even if he says, "I'm sorry I upset you, I didn't mean to, can we talk?" she will probably hold out for an apology for something they perceive that he did, that he didn't do.
If mom and stepdad were healthy people not hell-bent on making DH look bad, they'd be suggesting she give DH a chance and sit down and talk to him. Instead, they are violating a custody order for no good reason except to allow SD to nurse grievances that she should be talking about with her father, not them.
Oh, I would apologize to her...
It also sounds to me like
BM's husband owes YOU an apology. YOUR DH should be contacting that S.O.B. and telling him don't ever talk to my wife like that again!!! How dare he!!!
You are so kind to keep trying the next day after how you were treated. I wouldn't have done that.
Grief comes in many shapes and sizes however if a "sane unspoiled person" has an outburst and says something wrong or inappropriate because they are grieving they recognize it and own it the next day. Not the case with your SD. It also sounds like you were reaching out to her to give her support on the day because you and your DH were not there. No reason for her to go crazy on you.
Stick to your plan. It will do much more good than giving in ever will. These are the hard times of parenting!! Yes teens can be horrible but it is only a phase if they are called out on it and shown that it won't fly!! Wait till she tries it with a co-worker or some other inappropriate relationship if she is not taught. You and DH are doing her a great service by teaching her!!
So, if I have got this right,
So, if I have got this right, the deceased was bm's grandmother? So it's reasonable to suppose that bm was in a state of grief that day. Is it possible that any teeny, tiny disruption could have set bm off? Thus sparking her husband's deplorable reaction and her daughter's reflex defence? I'm not, i any way, excusing SD but at 15 being in an emotionally charged situation ... And from then on it was simple brainwashing that she was a victim and that you were trying to make light of this day that was such an ordeal for her mother ...
I agree with the poster who suggested that your dh get in touch with her to try and calmly iron things out and put things in perspective.
With all due respect....
"I agree with the poster who suggested that your dh get in touch with her to try and calmly iron things out and put things in perspective."
With all due respect I think that the notion of talking calmly went out the window when BM's husband used the C word on OP. That is not normal even in a heightened state of grief or defense of someone in grief. There isn't a calm rational way to discuss it as if there is guilt on both sides.
While I am not suggesting DH call and yell, I am suggesting that he call and be firm about what is and isn't acceptable behavior under any circumstances. OP did nothing wrong and if BM and SD think that she did I truly do not feel that OP needs to defend herself to this abuse. DH could add that OP was trying to reach out and her caring was received incorrectly by SD but the topic of DH's conversation with BM is strictly about how the abuse of his wife by BM's husband will not be tolerated!!!
I agree. When my father died,
I agree. When my father died, I would not have gone off screaming at someone who texted me, or asked DH to do it on my behalf. I'm not sure why people are ignoring that BM and her H were supportive of SD acting this way and even encouraged it by acting that way themselves. Are we to assume that OP sent SD a meme about her grandmother dying? Even if she did (I'm sure she didn't), that wouldn't justify BM and her H behaving that way or allowing SD to do so. This isn't just an immature teen thing.
The "her" I was referring to
The "her" I was referring to was SD because we don't know what kind of pressure she was under from a possibly hysterical mother and stepfather feeding into that. I absolutely agree that there is no point in contacting bm.
I would block her cell phone
I would block her cell phone number.
Edit to add. Reason is, GIVE her what she wants. She did say she HATES when you text her, right.
Well played by and DH both.
As for "sorry".
I think I might just do it. "Sorry, now get in the car so we can get on with our COd time together." Once she is in the car and the car is moving complete the appology with. "What I am sorry about is that you are a manipulative toxic little turd and a coward who has to manipulate your mother and stepfather into participating in your cowardly crap."
I would also call the police and get them a copy of StepDad's vitriolic rant also informing the police that you are afraid of him and this is just an indicator of the threat that he is to the safety of you and your family. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Zero tolerance is a great tool for dealing with toxic nasty failed family breeding mistakes and in dealing with the toxic blended family opposition.
If she keeps avoiding you and her dad, enjoy her absence. Make sure you and your DH are doing fun things on what would nomally be Skid time. Make sure SD knows how much fun you are having being the recipients of the early empty nester gift... even if it is only temporaty. These small blessings can be some of the greatest moments in blended family life.
Agreed Rags!! and Oh I wish I had
Oh how I wish I called the police when BM called threatening me!
It is difficult to let it play out but, you can't give in to it!! The only hope of it ending is for you and DH to put a stop to it. Always remember to YOU not BM is really doing SD a favor for later in her life!!