Would love to hear how other people cope and deal with these situations
I have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. My partner has twin boys- 11 years old. My own children are just into their 20's and starting their own families. I had no idea that being a step parent could be so hard.
I have an amazing relationship with my partners boys. I am very lucky. But for the last 3 years the ex has made my life hell. I have had to constantly see messages where she is calling me every name under the sun. Heard phone calls where she is telling my partner I'm not trustworthy and I will ruin his life. There have been numerous times where (in front of the children) she has called me a dog, skank, told me to F off and that I will never be their step mum and that I am merely a GF to my partner. She constantly tells my partner that he left their marriage and broke up their "little family". His ex has had a partner for 3 years and is still with him. my partner and ex have been to mediation but now it is going to court as in the mediation she made stipulations that he could not have 50/50 of his boys unless It was put in orders that I am not allowed to pick the boys up or drop them to school. Not allowed to sporting events. Basically not allowed to do or be a part of anything. It has gotten to the point where his boys don't come up to us when they are in her care as they are worried that something bad will happen and also because she has told them not hug us or acknowledge us. Never in my life have I had anxiety or felt so much anger. This woman is trying to erase me when all I want is to be amicable and let her live her life with her partner and the boys and let me live mine with my partner and his boys. I just want it to stop. I also do not know how to deal with the constant attacks. I am definitely a changed person since having the ex in my life. How does anyone else going through the same things cope?? Apart from running away and leaving it all behind, as I have thought about doing this numerous times.
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My line in the sand was
My line in the sand was always that if BM targeted me, I would be gone. She didn't - she was crazy, but she reserved her vitriol for DH, not me.
Your partner needs FAR better boundaries with BM, he shouldn't be allowing any of these messages to get through or for her to say what she does in front of the kids. So that's your starting point. Tell him to man up and quit allowing her to behave this way in front of him.
Also, given your kids are adults, please decide if this man is REALLY worth all of this stress. You could find a man whose kids are grown like yours are and have a peaceful, drama-free life.
Out of curiosity - you would
Out of curiosity - you would have left your DH simply if BM had targeted you (outside his control), or only if he had not protected and defended you against her targeting (within his control)?
Not saying I'd disagree with walking away in the first case. Just that it wouldn't be a DH problem, but rather a "sorry, this shit isn't tolerable even for the best possible relationship" situation.
Very tough question
I think this situation is a very tough one. I would be firm with my boyfriend and tell him to step up and tell her what she can and cannot control which is your presence. She needs to told to STFU, he might be letting her get away with it due to anxiety of what she may do. He is probably scared to lose his children.
you have nothing to be ashamed of, I think it is a conversation you need to start with your partner as it has to start with him and what he wants. There is some underlying issue here.
Be strong and confront him in a positive way.
Your bf needs to put her in
Your bf needs to put her in her place. Tell her that he will not have her talking about you that way. If they are on the phone, hang up. He needs to stand up for you. They are going to court to get situation figured out so he shouldn't be worried about loosing time with his kids due to standing up to her.
Disengage from the ex. That
Disengage from the ex. That does mean you willl miss out on somethings with your ss's but you will feel better for it. Don't go to kid events, don't let your partner answer calls in front of you, tell him not to inform you what she says about you. Get him to make sure that all exchanges are done away from your home. Don't do anything that might seem like parenting to BM - docotor's visits, engaging with the school, family photos of you and the kids online that she can see (block her access). Let your fiance do the vast majority of the parenting. Just errase her from your view and by doing so errase yourself from her's. Hopefully you will become so boring that she will ignore you most of the time. That is the best that you can do. If that is not possible, or if your partner refuses to help, or after doing it she is still causing you anxiety then it might just be the case that you need to find a relationship that doesn't come with a built in crazy obsesive ex.
To be honest I have tried
To be honest I have tried everything else, so im going to try this. That way I have exhausted all options and if it still doesn't change, then I know it is the time to leave. Thank you
I do think one of the reasons
I do think one of the reasons BM didn't target me was that I did no parenting, and just blended into the wallpaper. I never stepped on her toes or tried to be a parent in any way. I did go to events. But also DH had good boundaries with her and never tolerated her talking bad about me.
I have never intentionally
I have never intentionally done anything to this woman. At sporting events I steer clear. I don't go up to the children and up until recently I have been excluded from all other mums talking to me. This woman has hated me from day one.
I have had a conversation
I have had a conversation many times with partner. I get the "your overreacting " and "don't let it get to you", "Ignore her, she will never change". If a message gets sent back to her it's me using his phone so that she thinks it him, asking her to stop. Otherwise he says it's best to ignore her as it will just make her even more mad and the messages will just keep going. The situation has gotten to the point to where everyone around knows that I do not want her knowing where I work. I get the fact that it would be hard to see another woman with her children, but I keep thinking- isn't it better to have someone the boys love and get along with? I will never want to take over as their mum - I've done that and it was pretty hard going back to have young children around again. But obviously I'm here because I love all 3 of them. She stops her partner's involvement because she doesn't want to allow me involved. I moved away from family and friends to be with my partner. All I have is him and his parents. I just wish he would listen and see how it affects me. And if I threaten to leave- he's says that's on me. I've tried and tried, but for some reason I am still here.
No, if you leave that's on
No, if you leave that's on him. And it may even come to that. But don't subscribe to his "everything is fine, you're the problem for having a problem" mentality. Everything is fine for HIM. He's got you taking the hits from his crazy ex so he doesn't have to. He'd like you to take them quietly please so he can keep pretending life is fine.
This is exactly what I have
This is exactly what I have been thinking for a very long time! I feel like he ignores it all and hopes that it quietly goes away. I think this is what does my head in the most!
Yeah, "Please just keep
Yeah, "Please just keep tolerating this shitshow quietly, thanks!" He may tolerate it because he chose her to procreate with and he may be afraid of her, but you didn't and you aren't! How does she get so much opportunity to berate you, anyway! He needs to set boundaries and make all communication strictly exchanging information and making decisions about the kids. Preferably in writing. No emotion, no chitchat. If he is too spineless to do at least that, he will never be your life partner. The "it's on you" comment would be too much for me to take. It is all, in fact, on him!
Gee, he really knows how to
Gee, he really knows how to go to bat for you, doesn't he?
I don't think he knows how to
I don't think he knows how to go into bat for me or defend me. It is very upsetting. It ends up making me feel like I'm not worth defending.
Leave
Leave him. He's not worth it.
I really appreciate everyone
I really appreciate everyone's comments. Most times I have second guessed myself thinking I am the one who has the problems or issues, maybe I am overreacting, maybe I am going crazy, I know I'm not, but that's what I kept thinking. I have a feeling things will change shortly- wether he likes it or not will be another story.
You are not the crazy one.
You are not the crazy one.
I've dealt with a very
I've dealt with a very similar situation for years. BM showed her crazy early on and I cut her off...I'm not even in the same place with her. It has caused a lot of drama with DH's family, so I avoid them, too. I don't go to sporting events for the kids (I used to go and they would always act awkward when I was there, so I stopped going) and avoid school events (I'm not allowed to say anything to them about school or I'm "making them feel bad"). It's not ideal, but I now focus on protecting myself and doing what I need to do without worrying about taking responsibility for the drama and trauma BM is causing for her children.
DH was good about setting boundaries with her, but it took work. He now also has limited contact with her. That doesn't mean the drama has gone away and honestly, it's still a miserable situation. Now, one SS serves as BM's minion in our home - reporting everythng back to her and also "advocating" on her behalf with DH.
BM was remarried by the time I met DH, but she still lost her mind and told the kids that DH "caused the divorce" and that I was conspiring against her. Sadly, both the children and DH's family believed her.
I go to counseling just to deal with all the BS. For women like this, "feelings are facts" and she will not change, but you do need to get your SO on board with creating boundaries. If he's not willing to do that, then you need to leave him.
I have put 2 things to DH
I have put 2 things to DH today. 1: tell her that she has no control over my presence and that he will only respond in regards to the children. Or: 2: I stay away from everything (which is exactly what BM wants) and pretend like we are a happy family behind closed doors.
My answer from DH was- you need to stop letting her get to you and now it has ruined your day as you've let it get to you.
seems to me that apparently I need to ignore everything and let her dictate my life.
Today it started because she interrogated the children and she found out I dropped them to school yesterday on my way to work. If the children aren't in thier dads care when he has them- he needs to send them back to her.
I don't understand how these bullies made it out of school
Your response to him should
Your response to him should be something along the lines of how it's his responsibility to manage her drama, not yours. If he is not willing or able to protect you and your relationship from her chaos, then it will be a difficult slog for the two of you. Doing that takes work, it's not a one-time or easy fix.
Very unattractive when your
Very unattractive when your "man" uses you as a meat shield instead of defending you. You deserve better.
The BM In my case is very
The BM In my case is very high conflict and loves to blame everything on me as well as bad mouth me to everyone and anyone. I am perfectly content ignoring her existence. I also am content not participating in parental activities with the SKs because at the end of the day she is not going to change and that is Thier mother so they will take her side because naturally that is who they are going to be loyal to and that's okay. . If her life is that pathetic that she has to perseverate on me when I don't give a flying furry about her that's fine by me. Even the kids have figured it out on Thier own in time when all they see and hear is BM badmouthing me when I don't even acknowledge her existence and focus on my life as I did before I even met SKs. They aren't my kids, never will be I don't worry about trying to be some happy little family. I don't concern myself with how they are being raised. If they want to spend time with me and interact no problem, if they don't also no problem.
If your SO supports you not interacting with BM, even better, one less headache for you.
Do you want children with you
Do you want children with you SO? does it not bother you that you are not "a family" with your SO and his kids? The BM in my case also loves to blame everything thing on me. It seems her existence is to make my life hell. But I feel like if I leave I'm giving in to her and if I stay away from children's things I also give in to her. My SO kids don't leave me alone when they are with us. They hang off me and want to interact with me. I want to be involved. I never bad mouth their mum but they are quite aware of the situation because they've seen how their mum acts towards me and hears god knows what when they are with her. They ask me if I'm ok. I don't want to let them down. If I didn't want to interact with them, I wouldn't be with my SO. Are you happy in this situation? If so, how did you get to that point?
Ar first my SKs thought I was
Ar first my SKs thought I was great too. But over time that changed. OSD wants nothing to do with me and that's fine, currently she also wants nothing to do with SO either but that changes week to week. YSD usually wants to to be included and I do include her, but I also have no issues giving her space when she is being hostile for whatever reason. I am just at a place where I have remained detached emotionally. Because I have learned it's for self preservation in an unpredictable and sometimes hostile situation.
I have my own child and if you decide to have your own child with your SO, you will see how much different the relationship is, than with your SKs. Your SKs can like you but will never have the bond with you a biological child will have. The truth is it is the same for steparents, you can like your SKs, care about them, but it is not the same as your own child.
i could have written word for word
your experience. My kids had launched by the time I met Chef and his ferals, 7, 5 and 2 yrs. Yout BF is already letting the BM walk all over the both of you.
GUYS WHO REFUSE TO STAND UP TO THE BM ARE NEVER WORTH IT!! I don't care how "amazing" they seem or if they say they are giving in to the BM "for the sake of the children" (TM)
THIS DOES NOT GET BETTER!! End result?
Resentment on all sides, skids PASing out, anxiety, health killing stress and YOU, as a SM, become public enemy number one.
I would NEVER do this over again. Cougaring isn't all it is cracked up to be either (I am eight years older than Chef)
My advice? RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!
How long were you with him
How long were you with him for?
i am the same age as my partner, I just had my children young, but I would never change that. How long did it take you to run??
She hasn't run, she's still
She hasn't run, she's still with him but the kids have been totally alienated for 10 years.
Your SO makes me mad. He can't even listen to your concerns. Go ahead and start doing your second option and disengage. He likes the status quo and isn't going to change unless you do.
Correct
the skids and BM (and her family) were so bad with their scorched earth policy that staying with him would have been impossible had the skids not PASed out.
It has recently become bearable in that Chef had a health scare which woke him up and caused him to make drastic lifestyle changes. Again, my advise with 20/20 hindsight would be a giant "RUN!!!"
I had my children young as well.
Options
You have options, thats good. So many Steppers get "stuck" either because they are pregnant or have a child with their partners.
OK. If you choose to stay, here is what you do:
1. Discuss with your SO that he will need to create and enforce boundaries. Take the emotion out of it. Your requirement of him is plain and simple. Boundaries. Tell him that its not as simple as "dont let her get to you". Dont let him get away with making YOU the problem, YOU are not the problem.
2. Block her number, block her on ALL social media. Tell your partner that you do not need to hear of any kind of negative spew from her. That you dont have time or energy to hear it. Its unnecessary for ANYONE to tell you things that she is saying about you.
3. Dont worry, BM cannot dictate who her little darlings are around. You do not need to twist yourself into a pretzel to avoid interactions. She doesnt get that power over you. LEgally she cannot do this. If there is a court order she needs to follow it. If you are waiting for a court order, great. She cannot legally withhold the kiddos from their father. It doesnt work that way.
Basically your partner needs to "man up", have your back, stop gaslighting you and put up boundaries with BM.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I spoke to SO. I understand
I spoke to SO. I understand he can't stop what she does but I feel like someone has to before I make what she does public and show everyone what a horrible nasty person she is! We have resorted to asking his solicitor. She says that we need to just be patient and keep going with court. BM had been quiet for a few weeks but seems after the family court report was done she has resorted back to her nasty self. Myself and SO know now that if this doesn't work out with the courts, he will be single for the rest of his life as no o e else will put up with his horrible nasty ex.
No one else will put up with
No one else will put up with your SO dragging them into the drama with his ex. When he steps up and keeps you out of the drama as much as possible by dealing with BM himself then life will get easier for you. While he keeps acting like there is nothing he can do and that you just have to put up with all the crap then you will be sitting in a pile of crap.