Exs and inlaws
Thank goodness for this place! I really need to vent. So, my partner and I have both been divorced 5 years. He has two adult kids in their mid 20s. I've a little girl, 7. He's been great on the whole and has helped raise my daughter. I can't fault him. The issue is with his ex and famy. I'm significantly younger than him and his siblings. His ex wife is 20 years older than me. When we met I tried to make an effort but I felt they were less inclined. As friendly as his mum is she wouldn't write us a joint Xmas card or invite me to her party when my.partner was going as was the ex wife. I knew the ex wife was heavily.involved with the family- that was fine and no issue. There is a lot of history and children/grandchildren. I get it. His kids never wanted to meet us as they couldn't accept their dad meeting someone etc. So, he visits them at the ex's house. They often have meals together etc and I have to say it does make me feel a bit weird knowing he is doing this with his ex .there's lots of other instances... His sister visited, stayed with the ex wife, inviting him out for a foursome meal and game of tennis together. I was at home like a spare part. My partner failed to see why this would upset me. Then more recently the sister invited the ex wife and kids to visit and my partner to join them. Again, I'm.sat at home.wondering what I have ever done. Surely families don't always behave like this? Anyway I'm tired of it all. Now I don't say anything because it only causes issues. Still, I wonder if it's normal behaviour? Any advice.
Thalia
I am in a similar situation. I certainly understand how you feel. I sit home while he is off with the step daughter who is 22 and sometimes her mother joins them. We fight all the time about this.
I do not understand this. This site offers so much info and suggestions. So to answer the question is this normal, I sure hope not!
Sorry you're dealing with
Sorry you're dealing with this too. I don't get it at all. I was a first wife and I'm not on the scene at all! I don't keep in with my ex inlaws either. Obviously each divorce is different.
It all drives me nuts. It's as if there's isn't any respect left for you or they just are blind to their actions. I really don't understand either way.
This is not normal and your
This is not normal and your SO is treating you with absolute disrespect. He isn't even capable of understanding why you're upset nor that he's being an utter, inconsiderate, self-centered ARSE!
Dump the oaf, he isn't worth your time. He's made it clear that you are the very last on his list of priorities - how does it feel to be of even less importance than his ex?
You deserve so much better, so much more.
I 100% hear what you're
I 100% hear what you're saying. I'm seriously considering my.worth here. It's sad his family won't give me a chance in getting to know me/include me. It is also sad he can't see how it hurts me. Like I said, I don't understand how you can think it's all fine.
Yeah, I'm not sure I could
Yeah, I'm not sure I could live this way. I get that his family has a relationship with his ex-wife, fine - but that should not come at your expense. And the fact that his kids don't like that he moved on says that his ex is the type who wants to remain front and center and expects loyalty from everyone (vs.being the kind of woman who could find a new, backseat role in the family). The ex should no longer be going to HIS family events, the kids are adults, surely they can navigate that without Mommy there.
Sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He gets to play happy family with his ex and you have to sit home alone, waiting for him. Perhaps to him, you being so young means he's in charge in your relationship. Either way, this is no way to live. Either he owns you as his partner and insists that his family does too, or he lets you go.
By the way, how long have you
By the way, how long have you been together?
5 years give or take
5 years give or take
Wow! You've nailed the
Wow! You've nailed the dynamics totally. I don't know much about the position x wife wanting centre stage so much, more so she gets on with the mil and sil and all the cousins are close. That said, she should be getting on with her life and not hanging around so much. Also, I agree, the kids should be doing family things without her holding their hands despite still living at home.
I definitely feel my partner has his cake and eats it. He gets the perks of his family life with the ex...meals, BBQs, meals out together. Whether he believes he is in control of our relationship I can't say... Perhaps. I don't feel I hold all the cards. He's 49 and I'm 35
Well, if she wanted her kids
Well, if she wanted her kids to have a relationship with you, they probably would - so the fact that they don't says a lot about her. Who would continue hanging around their ex's family functions after divorce? Only someone who feels entitled to.
Definitely time to set some limits. This man has not emotionally divorced yet.
Again 100%. An angle I hadn't
Again 100%. An angle I hadn't considered at all. I can't argue with that. It's very true. I believe she does feel quite entitled. Im.aware she goes away with the ex mil, goes to family events etc, is invited to them.by my partner's two brothers and sister. In five years I've never met his kids (24 and 26), never been invited to a function. Also my daughter is never remembered, despite being raised by my partner as she has no bio daddy in her life. I used to think , oh, their loss.. but really it is deeper than that and won't get better only.worse. At what point will I be included?
If it hasn't happened after 5
If it hasn't happened after 5 years, it probably won't ever happen... Why doesn't your SO insist on you being invited?
I think some of it stems from
I think some of it stems from his children not.speakimg to him for a sustained period.of time.post divorce and finding out he was living with someone else. I can only guess he doesn't want to run the risk of rocking the boat. All I know is Christmas is going to be interesting this year. I suppose re his sister's house, he could have insisted I come... But his sister and I don't particularly get on because of how she is towards me/ relationship with the ex. It's frustrating! On my.part I've washed my hands from it all. Not sure if I'd want to go now!
Sounds like he is putting his
Sounds like he is putting his relationship with the ex before your relationship with him. That is not ok, you deserve better!!!
Enmeshed
You should google this. Do some research. The fact that you are here and not really knowing if this is normal or not, says volumes.
Enmeshment is pretty strong in your situation - your partner, his kids, then your partner, his ex, and finally your partners FAMILY and ex.
Playing "happy family" with the ex is a BIG no-no. How dare he allow you to be sitting there while he goes off and plays these games with ex. Im mad for you. And the family too. How dare they.
DH and I would not have survived these 6 years if the family and himself had been so involved with the ex. As it is they all despise her, so I am somewhat luckier.
And his kids. Well, thats yet another cluster puck. On all fronts your partner needs to stand by you, and not allow the kids to exclude you. On all fronts your partner should stand by you and not allow his family to exclude you. He is not beinga good partner, period.
Read more on these boards. Sadly your situation is all too common...
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply. True. I haven't a clue of this is normal or not because I haven't experienced this sort of thing before. It's all new to me. What you said is on point totally. I am.mad. Mostly hurt more than much else. I entered this relationship with hopes. I was hopeful of gaining an extended family as I've none myself. I relished the chance of getting to know his siblings and parents and his kids. Sadly there wasn't room at the table for me. This was evident from a few months in. It's a new one on me. I didn't realise ex's and partners, inlaws could be so non inclusive.
EXACTLY what brought me here
To steptalk. I was miserable and wondering what the heck was going on. In my case, the family were supportive of me, but the BM was/is horrible and SD21 Feral Forger was really horrible to me. DH had no idea what to do with it all. Now he knows that he needs to keep ME, his WIFE happy, or he will not be happy. Together we have managed to increase our income (through COVID shutdowns), buy our house and buy a fishing boat as well as increase both our credit scores. All of which would not have materialised had we not been a cohesive TEAM. UNITED. TOGETHER.
Im sorry you are going through all this. I tell my SD14, that all us stepparents want is for our family to love us, for the stepkids to be kind and respectful, for a family to be united.
I should add that I do not have bios of my own and my immediate family is very small.
See that's the thing. Your
See that's the thing. Your husband was supportive and respectful of you, his wife. As it should be. Mine.... Well when I raised objections to the fact his sister chose to stop with the ex wife, invite him to dinner (with ex wife and her husband/ double date scenario), play doubles tennis and then invite him to her house when ex wife/ adult kids visited...I was met with defensive comments. I was selfish and silly. It was so he could see his kids too. I'm jealous and making it all about me when I should be supporting him. It did a 180. I felt bad for thinking it was wrong and feeling upset. He really couldn't see it at all.
Classic gaslighting. Don't
Classic gaslighting. Don't let him get away with it again. Pfft, as if he couldn't see his kids without his ex being there.
Yep. True. The kids still
Yep. True. The kids still live at home with their mum and he visits there. His son occasionally visits the house when I'm not around. His daughter refuses to.
Your DH and his sister are
Your DH and his sister are idiots.
Dump that entire shallow and polluted gene pool and move on with your life. Never again saddle yourself with an idiot or accept anyone as your SO other than a person of quality who will make you their unequivocal priority.
Take care of you.
Thank you. I'm seriously
Thank you. I'm seriously thinking about it
Whan a couple divorces
They stop playing Happy Family together, with the kids. You must laid down the law to DH. That this must stop. You will not stand for this . Either DH stops or this is how it's going to be. Him disrespect you.
Honey, he's treating you like
Honey, he's treating you like the side chick. That would be a great big eff no for me.
You're either his partner in all things, or you're not actually his partner. He doesn't get to pick and choose when you're convenient to him.
You are modeling what
You are modeling what relationships should look like to your daughter. She is growing up seeing all this going down and LEARNING FROM YOU how she should allow people to treat her.
Do you want this for your daughter?
Seriously, have some self respect and leave this ass. Show your daughter you love yourself! If ypu don't she will never learn to love herself!
Totally agreed.
Totally agreed.
His sister visited, stayed
His sister visited, stayed with the ex wife, inviting him out for a foursome meal and game of tennis together. I was at home like a spare part. My partner failed to see why this would upset me.
Not too bright... or too considerate, is he?