Honestly, you need to let go of the idea that he's a "great dad". Part of being a great parent is setting boundaries and teaching them what kind of behaviour is acceptable. It sounds ike he's let them treat him like a doormat for 20 years, and he's allowing them to do the same to you. At 20 and 21, if they can't act like adults and treat people with respect they shoud be out of the house at this point. They aren't going to get better, and it seems like neither is he. Unless you want to deal with this for life, I'd think about whether or not this is really a good arrangement.

I doubt if you can change their opinions.  From their standpoint, this is probably a big, red alarm problem with a nice, sensible woman seeming to be ready to invade and rob them of their cushy lifestyle.  I wouldnt move into thst house, if I were you.  If you and your SO are determined to live together, get a different place.

But, really, this is his problem.  Does he plan to keep supporting these adults?  I'm guessing he's wishfully thinking they will eventually l launch into nice careers, successful husband's and happy family lives.  If he left to live with you, what would happen?  These "girls" are playing emotional games with him, like "chase me".  You would think that at 21 and 22, they would have other things to do than whine about special time with dad.

Don't waste your time or energy on trying to create one, happy family, it won't happen.  You need to decide whether you are ready for endless years of drama as they manipulate him.  You sound like a nice person who is trying to do the right thing but those "girls" sound hopelessly toxic.  Good luck.

If he was a great dad and father. You would not have this problem.  It's comes down to either you or them.  The Happy Family will not work.  You can not beg and grovel to try to make this work. That what they want.   It's up to your SO to make his choice.  

You can't have a future with this man until he prepares a place in his life for you, and that means him standing up to his adult daughters. Right now there's a struggle for power and territory going on, and his adult kids are winning. He should have corrected their rudeness and disrespect in real time, each time.

 Hopefully your therapist can help your bf gain clarity and step away from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that has brought him to this point. It took years for his daughters to become mini wives, and IF this is fixable, it will take time as well.

Where did his daughters go? Is he still funding them? This is a crucial point in their dynamic, and if he chases after them you'll know he isn't ready to parent up and put your relationship first. He needs to cut those witches off and not continue to reward bad behavior.

Please slow things down, and don't move in with your bf unless/until he has established a healthier dynamic with his adult kids. Neither you nor your bios should be subjected to such abuse.

He loves you and you love him.  But there's not much YOU can do, he's the only one who can change the dynamic.  If the situation were reversed, and you were living with 2 manipulative, over-indulged sons, he would be so attractive, living as an adult without all the toxic drama.  You would want to be in that calm place so badly.  But only you would be able to make the difficult changes to achieve that.  Would you be strong enough, in that scenario, to alienate them?

Your therapist is right about one thing: YOU can't fix this. But I worry that your therapist is advocating that you just be patient. Patience won't fix anything -- action is required.

Stop trying so hard. They're adults, and maybe they don't WANT to be part of a new family. They don't get their old family either, but change your goal to polite civility instead of forcing a reimagined family. Honestly, they don't have to like you (but it's not personal, although I'm sure it feels like it).

Take this relationship slowly. Don't move in, don't marry him until you see if he is willing to set boundaries with these spoiled girls and if he will protect you and your relationship. He's spent a lot of years giving them way too much power, and he's got to take it back. It's hard. They'll punish him. He'll slip backwards. He might give up. He might lose them for a time while they go have a hissy. Love is messy, in all its forms. Figure out your OWN boundaries for him and them.

Spend some time reading here. Focus on "mini-wife" and "disengaging." You'll learn a lot, and it's saved my sanity and probably my marriage.

So, these girls - have they ever 'allowed' their father to have a relationship?  If not, this is what he is in for - letting his daughters run and ruin his life.  These are not their decisions, these are HIS decisions.  Watch this very carefully.  And do NOT rush to move in.  This is a dynamic that will not go away on its own.  How long has he been divorced?  

My SO has a 21 year old DD who is very upset that her parents divorced (2 years ago) and that he has chosen to move on with his life and is in a serious relationship with me. She lives a couple hours away (at college) and with covid he has not seen her much. She first complained and whined about him moving on with his life whenever they were talking - she felt it was too soon and said he "just left his family" although her parents divorce was mutual. When the complaining and whining didn't work, she moved on to dramatic phone calls and voice mails about how horrible he was. When that didn't change things, she sent a long email about her grievances with him and said very hurtful, untrue things. At that point, he agreed to see a therapist and I'm so glad!! That therapist suggested he put up boundaries (YES!) and he did. The DD pushed back hard (as they always do) and has now cut off all contact with him, says she sees no place in her future for him. Of course, he's saddened by this, but with the help of the therapist, he sees that it's her choice. If she ever finds herself ready to be kind and respectful, she will be very welcome in his life again. Until then, the boundaries are up and she is not a part of our lives.  Too bad your SO's girls are together in this. Something that helps our situation is that my SOs other child (son, 19) and my 3 kids (24, 24 and 19) are all kind, respectful and appropriate. She's clearly the problem here and that helps my SO keep the boundaries going. He's also finally admitted that he doesn't enjoy her. Love her? Of course. But like her or enjoy her? Nope. It's unfortunate but true. There aren't many people who enjoy her company, including her own brother.

I agree with others that if your therapist is saying your SO's girls just need more time to blah blah blah, I'd try another therapist. They can struggle all they want, but being unkind or disrespectful to their father or you is never OK. I hope your SO can hold the line and only allow the girls back when they're ready to behave themselves. In the meantime, I agree with others also that you stay away from this "family" you're dreaming of, and focus on yourself and bring your relationship with your SO into YOUR world. His world is a hot mess and not very appealing.

I just came to agree with the posters who say if he were really an awesome dad, he wouldn't be putting up with their horrible behavior. He and his ex have raised two miserable, entitled little sh!ts. And they aren't even kids! The fact that this is going on while both are in their 20s doesn't bode well for the future. Please protect yourself and your kids from this negativity. 

So my guess is your gut is telling you this is bad, but you love this man so much you're trying. And that's great. But I agree with everyone above who is saying 1) this behavior will not change if you move in, 2) find a new therapist!

SO MUCH of your post was you defending yourself against things that they make up about you from eating to gold digging. Even though you know it's not true you spent a lot of time and energy defending yourself to strangers and laying out arguments about your financial situation as proof. They have got things so twisted up that you're running around trying to defend against things that have no basis in reality, and that's bananas! 

Also, they've given their dad the ultimatum, and he needs to call their bluff. You can't make his decision for him, but he does need to make it--he either needs to tell them no, he's an adult who gets to have an adult relationship; or he needs to let you go. He cannot make you come over to a house where you're shunned! He cannot make you give up peace and calm to try and twist yourself into an emotional pretzel that will please his daughters! It wouldn't work anyway and it's BEYOND unfair to do to someone you love. 

And YOU are not making him lose his daughter; his daughters are choosing that. They're the ones with the toxic behavior and ultimatum, and they're ADULTS, which I find totally wild. 7 or 8, sure, you can have some empathy, but these are grown women using manipulation and threats (of the removal of their love/relationship) to get their way.

I hope your soul mate can see he loves his monsters but that they are, indeed, monsters. I'm glad they left and hope they DON'T come back unless it's with an apology. I hope that for you AND for him and for the love you two want to share for the rest of your lives. I hope you both get that.

Agree with all that's already been said.

Are you sure they are 21 and 22, not 11 and 12?

They should be more concerned with what they will be doing with the rest of their lives, instead of trying to ruin their father's happiness. They should want their own father to have a life and a life partner. He should be embarrassed.

The daughters are 21 and 22. Are they in school? Working? 
Whatever you do, do not move in with them. Actually, do not move into that house at all. Moving there would be the first step in the making of a disaster. 

You have a SO problem. He is unwilling to set boundaries with the daughters. Do not marry until he has boundaries and they have been in place for a (long) while. Blending takes a long time; aim for civility.

You mentioned you have teenagers. You might want to wait until yours are launched too before you consider marrying. It's much easier when all the kids are launched. 

Adding: If and when you decide to get married, keep your finances separate. Disney Dads tend to continue to spend money on their kids.

Discuss finances before you marry. Discuss fully and in depth. Get lawyers (one for him, one for you) and do a prenuptial. You want to protect yourself. Even children who seem fine with a marriage can turn nasty after a death.

Don’t get married until they leave home, > their behaviour could get worse. 

One SD is bad enough; when there is more than one, they have each other to validate their crazy feelings, behaviors and ideas. One of which is that daddy would only be a good dad if he devotes himself 100% to them........ adults.

Your future SDs are afraid you and your daughters are going to get something they think they are entitled to.....dad's time, attention, money, future inheritance.  He will be thinking of someone else throughout the day rather than them.  They do not want to share.

You and he have a lot of talking to do before you agree to marry him. Once you marry, his DDs will up the bad behavior, possibly even ask him to choose.....you or them......even though they are not eligible for the role of wife. He needs to realize that his children are adults and treat them as such.  He needs to teach them he is not a doormat for them to walk all over and make demands of.   If that happens, he will lose you.  His kids will never allow him to be with ANYONE.  Is he ok with that?

And you need to tell him that you are not a second class citizen in anyone's family or life, and you will not accept that kind of treatment.

Take it from us older women that have been through decades of this crap - he is going to have to be one helluva guy to make this marriage worth the crap you will have to put up with.

If he does not establish boundaries early on, they will continue with their behavior. My SDs are in their 40's.  My DH finally told them in the last 10 years that we are going to be married and that is that. They were both mad for awhile but slowly came around to where he has a cordial relationship with them. I have zero and prefer it that way.

You will need to read up on disengaging. You're going to need it.  Don't try to rationalize with them that you really aren't a gold digger, that you are a really really nice person. They don't care, trust me.

Hi,

I am in an almost identical situation to you. I met my DW three years ago. We hit it off immediately and given our ages we decided to move things on quickly. We are now married and have been living together nearly two years.

My SD24 has turned out to be an absolute nightmare. I signed up in the belief she would move on with her own life and leave home and therefore be less of a concern to us. How wrong I was. She came home for the lockdown, which here in England was the best part of 3 months. She treats her mum appallingly. Her behaviour is very similar to what you have experienced - mardy, childish, manipulative and controlling are just some of the words I would use to describe her.

It's sad to say this but the truth is my DW and mother in law have between them raised a spoilt, entitled brat.

The problem is your partner. He has, by the sound of it, been a poor excuse of a dad. He has enabled and nurtured this behaviour. He has over indulged them and let them walk all over him. He is scared of them and they know it.

My advice, based on my own experiences and lessons learned is this:

1) do not marry until living arrangements post wedding are agreed, i.e. you have a concrete assurance the girls will be left home by .../.../... This is known as a launch date. MAKE IT CLEAR THIS IS NOT RENEGOTIABLE AND YOU WILL HOLD HIM TO WHAT IS AGREED

2) bear in mind it is likely this situation will never get better. Only your DH can stand up to the girls and if he hasn't done it in 20 years it is unlikely he ever will. You need to look up and learn about "disengaging." This is essential and in my opinion the only way a marriage will survive

3) make sure you are totally happy in your own mind before commitment.

4) DON'T ALLOW DH TO RENEGOTIATE DATES OR AGREEMENTS. Be ready to walk away.

Best of luck!

They are adults, this is how they behave and this is what their "wonderful" father accepts from them.

Don't move in, it will get worse. 

Don't buy them anything.

Don't do anything for them.

Don't have any expectation they will get better - they won't

Daddeee let's them behave that way

People who have raised idiot manipulators like this guy has need to be chasing their SO hat in hand rather than the partner tolerating their parenting indiocy one little bit.

Do  yourself a favor, find a new partner who is not a failed spouse, failed parent and failed man.

If he was worth a crap he would not lament the departure of his toxic failed family breeding experiments he would be celebrating their departure with the clear message that until they extricate their toxic heads from their own asses they are not welcome in his life. That clear message needs to include the uncompromising instruction that they embrace his choice of partners and treat you with respect as his partner.

Or.... they stay gone.  

Parents that get all upset when they have ruined the human genome with idiot toxic children never cease to disgust me.

As they should anyone.

IMHO of course.

a gold digger.”

of course they would!! After all they want his money just showered on their pampered arses!!

any sane parent, wants to spend time with their partner/lover/spouse exclusively in private too.

this bs of him being available solely to them and not you ever is friggin ridiculous. My own husband saw how his 3 kids played fake happy families like we didn’t exist and it really upset hubby because he wants to spend time with us too together with skids.

i just refuse to because of the disrespect from them.

your man has not put his foot down ever so what do you expect?? It isn’t going to change because he sees himself being a doormat exclusively to them as normal

RUN. 

I have a 22 year old step daughter . I take it that is an SD? Seems like this is common. Who knew that I wasnt the only one. My thoughts go out to you.

if he hasn't found a way to shut them and their disrespect down, it will only get worse. You will eventually (most likely sooner than later) lose ANY AND ALL resepect for him, as he does not respect YOU. He has proven that by ALLOWING their behaviors. I realize we cannot control another person's behaviors, HOWEVER, we can only choose how we respond to them. The INSTANT they start up with their crap, the visit or gathering, whatever it is CEASES, with a comment like, "Regretfully, you've chosen to be disrespectful not only to my SO, but to me and we are a united front and refuse to tolerate your behaviors. You will need to show yourself to the door." 

Keep in mind all these "kids" pull the same strings:"I'm going to refuse daddy the privilege and honor of my presence until he gets rid of SO or DW." THEY*ALL*DO*THIS in hopes of pulling out all the stops. When this happens, you need to remind your SO, that is  NOT LOVE, but rather MIND MANIPULATION, in attempt to regain the power over dadddeee.

Please do yourself the honor of not going forward unless significant changes are in place and for the long term. Once you're in, you're IN, and it's so much tougher than "just leaving" like so many advise. NOW is the time to evaluate the situation, leaving your heart and your emotions out of it. It's time for a relationship autopsy...take it apart piece by piece and analyze it. If something's not working for you now, it will just go downhill after that walk down the aisle.

Best wishes.

They are emotional terrorists full of self importance

At first glance, I would advise that you RUN.

It's going to take a lot of time (years, not months) and a lot of emotional labor (worry, stress, angst, PTSD) to turn this guy around. You love him, so of course right now you're willing to work on it. But trust me, 10 years from now--IF you can survive 10 years of psycholgical warfare, IF he gets them under control, IF you win this battle for his affections--you will look around you and wonder what, exacty, you've gained. And by the way, with a couple of 20-something daughters who apparently are used to ruling the roost,  10 years is likely a significant underestimate. This guy may spend most of the rest of his life trying to figure out where he ends and his sweet little girls begin.

For whatever reason, your counselor is soft-pedaling the challenges you face. Step kids are a very serious problem for any relationship, and you really need to evaluate whether you are up to dealing with it. It's a lot of soul-crushing work and my guess is that in the vast majority of cases it's not worth it.

These stepdaughters are just darn awful! 

From my experience it gets worse especially when you have a husband problem. I sure hope that this works out for you.

What makes you think you can change their behavior? They are pretty much adults. Instead, I'd be thinking, "Hmmm, this is who they are and they are awful...do I want that toxicity in my life forever? And if so, what is wrong with me (haha!)?" 

Experts say marry who you like, don't marry someone thinking you'll change them. That goes for his kids too. After 20 years of my SD's bullshit, I know there was nothing I could do to get decent, civil behavior from her. It was her -- not me. She was and is who she wants to be.

Those SDs are showing you exactly who they are. Believe it. If you think you can will them to be any other way, they will show you otherwise and then you will be stuck married to those awful people -- because you really do marry the whole family when you marry.

And the other thing I'm thinking is that while you're wondering how you can change the SDs' behavior so they aren't mean to you, they are angling to sink your relationship with their dad, ergo they have no intention of playing ball with you no matter how nice or fair you are to them. They are quietly chipping away to affect change -- namely, pitting dad against you so you are run out of the relationship and things go back to normal.

I don't mean to be so negative, but right now, while you're trying to figure out how to get in with them, they just want you to go away and they think with the right ramping up of pressure on you and dad, it can still happen. That's the reality now, although maybe you can change their attitudes someday.

I spent years thinking I could win over my SD. Everyone said she'd grow out  of it. Hell, my husband told me SD was so happy for us when we got engaged -- she had him totally snowed. But as our relationship developed, SD became worse and worse toward me. That's how it always is because as you get more of him, the SDs think they're getting less out of him, so they just want to claw that back from you.

So my whole point, even though I went on and on, was that I wish I hadn't spent so much time thinking I could win over my SD. I wish I had not exerted so much effort because now I have so much resentment, if I ever do see my SD again, I think I'll just flip out like Kathy Bates in that parking lot scene where she starts ramming cars.

My SD is the same shitty person today that she was 20 years ago. Yours probably won't change much in 20 years either...after all...they're already spoiled, right?

You need some clarity. Great dads do not raise shitty kids.

Up your standards for greatness.

Hell to the no on this "relationship"!  More important than anything else is the mental health of your own kids and this "forever" drama will kill off their spirits. Time to say goodbye to the loser you think you need.  

No way would I marry into this situation.

Keep your own place. Date him if you want. Avoid all contact with the SDs and explain to your fiance that you aren't up for the lifetime of drama this represents. Then go and be happy. You don't need this crap and marrying him isn't going to gain you anything you don't have know other than a whole lot of conflict, drama and heartache.

His DD are Adults, You are not going to change them. Your SO must shut this down.  Now !   
Never move into there home.  It will be war.   SO must get another home for you and him. With out his DD.  Buford you move in. They must never live with you.  But I don't think this will happen.   

.... is the OP even still here reading our howls of disapproval? If so, what have you decided, OP?

he sets these boundaries and sticks to them!! Like tog mentioned much earlier - it's easy to confuse a loving dad with a great dad. I personally did that and am now over 8 years into my living hell that these spoilt self entitled adult skids create. I love my husband so very much, but there are days when I could just give up. Really, you don't want a life like mine. Make it clear that he sets boundaries (and he needs to want to do this and see the benefit in this) and sticks to them or else I'm sorry to say but you should cut your losses now while you still can.

Stepdaughters.  Then, stepdaughters who are already acting like arses.  Run away fast, that is if you want your sanity.  You've married a man who will always allow this behavior.  If you don't run, you deserve the beating you are sure to get before you're forced out.