4 year old eventual stepchild issues
So. Background on myself. I'm 31 now. My Dad was never in the picture, mom died when I was 6. The man she married a year before she died adopted me and my brothers was a prick. Strict military style parenting, any rules broken you got a licking. I'm NOT that type of parent. Fastforeward.
I became a parent at 26. I LOVE my son. I see him on weekends and on wednesdays. Hes literally the only thing I care about in this world. After me and his mom seperated I met my gf. We've been together for 2 years. Shes very very empathetic. I'm not. I am slightly, I suppose. Well she has a son. Hes very LOUD and HEY EVERYONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME. Because his Dad isnt in the picture and his grandparents and my gf spoil him with love, toys ATTENTION etc. But there were real problems when we started getting our kids together. My son is 1 year older than him. I dojt get to spend alot of time with my kid so when hes over I really am focussed on being his Dad etc. But example, if my son has a new pair of sandals and I say I like your sandals gfs son needa to include himseld. Needs to. HOW ABOUT ME. Literally over anything. Even if I say hey bud wanna call your mom? From the otherside of the room: HOW BOUT ME. HOW BOUT MINE. "Your mom is literally in the kitchen dude." For some reason this is nails on a challboard to me. I dont understand why. And watching her constantly baby him is nails on a chalkboard to me. I can literally never be tough with him because she has to talk to me about how hes only 3, no that kid is a month away from being 4. Hes 4. Hes a boy and needs SOME discipline. Just SOME. Example:never eats his food. My son will eat everything but we have to make an entirely separate meal for this kid. Oh and forgot to mention shes pregnant. So in a few months I have to make 3 freaking meals???
If I'm watching him and my son and step out for a smoke he will cry and then throw up. Even if I'm standing in the window watching them.
So we try working on this separation anxiety. He literally can never NOT be in the same room as her. So we address this. So if shes cooking he will come up with some excuse to go talk to her. Or he will say he has to go to the bathroom and B line it to the kitchen to tell her something. I'll tell him to go back into the room to play with my son. Because he always freaking leaves him alone. And she gets on to me about how he just needed to tell her something and I'm just like wow. We are taking baby steps to work on this separation anxiety and she wont even uphold the babysteps. Oh and if I get up and lightly physically turn him around and give him a little baby bump to go back he will run iver and say I PUSHED HIM. OR SCREAMED IN HIS EAR. And her dad has literally made threats against me (because he was actually verbally and physically abusive towards his own step son and is now afraid I'll do the same to his grandson) which I wont. I just expect kids to follow simple instructions. When they dont they are in trouble.
Anyways. Because I feel like he has to get special treatment and my son gets my real parenting (which isnt always perfect but he LOVES ME and I love him) I feel like I'm just totally disliking this other kid. Like I cant stand him anymore. At all. I would NEVER harm him. But I feel like I dont even want to acknowledge him. Help.
First, if your son is
First, if your son is "literally the only person you care about in this world," you have no effing business living with a woman and her small child. You have even less business getting your GF pregnant.
While you may not parent like your step/adoptive dad, it sounds like you might stepparent like him. Discipline with no empathy? Sound familiar?
The "problems" you list are very typical of a preschooler. 4 year olds like attention and their moms. My 4 year old has never known life without both of his parents home all day (working from computers). He will still follow me everywhere if I let him. I can't even use the toilet in peace some days.
My good friend has three kids. Two are very independent and one is the "up your butt kid." You need to stop comparing these kids.
I used to think my DH was a child whisperer magician because his kids were so well behaved during his every other weekend visits when they were super young. He wasn't lol. They were just very young and shy and they didn't want dad to be in a bad mood for the two whole days they were with him. They didn't want to make dad mad and leave them. (Thanks to biomom putting some awesome ideas in their heads) So they were pretty much angels...until they weren't (teenagers).
If you have issues with your gf's parenting now, it's going to come to a head when your baby with her is born. I would suggest couples counseling NOW. The person you are actually upset with is the other grown ass person in your home, not the preschooler.
Yeah, i caught that part too
Yeah, i caught that part too about his son being the only person he cares about.
OP - it is normal to have much less tolerance for an unrelated child than you do for your own. Please be conscious of that. It's normal but it will affect how you view your chikd vs hers. Her son is of an age where his behavior can be turned around. I don't suggest leaving just yet because she is now pregnant. I do suggest counseling, though. If you are going to work with your GF to learn how to parent all these kids without killing each other, you will need help.
Not sure I'd want to stick it out
You and I know there's going to be a lot of heavy lifting 1) getting mom to quit babying him and 2) turning him around. Are you sure you want to stick around for all that? You would most likely end up being the bad guy as you try to hold the line. You sound like a good father who is doing well with your son.
IF you can get thru to your GF and IF she realizes she needs to make changes and IF she actually follows thru, things could work out. I guess you are the person who can tell if this is feasible. Good luck.
Couple of things, and a +1 to
Couple of things, and a +1 to whats already been said (stop comparting, they're diff people, 3 is still young, etc).
You get to parent every other weekend and one day a week. That's it. How long has it been like this? Have you ever been full on 24/7 contact parenting a toddler, or has your situation always been on a PT basis? 2, 3, 4 year olds are still very, very young and YES-- they're able to start to comprehend things, they still need a lot of help and parenting. Ask any toddler parent out there and 8 out of 10 will tell you that mealtime is a struggle. The lone 2 that don't have that problem will probably fill your ears with other various toddler "issues" that they have equally as frustrating. I've parented my SD from 2 on and now I have an almost 2 year old. They're total opposites, but the difference was: one stays here 24/7 and one I was able to send back after 3 days and get a break. What you're experiencing is just flat out, full court press parenting a needy child. And sounds like a previous poster was spot on-- you're coming at it from a straight discipline-style angle. Are kids annoying that need constant attention? Yes. Do most kids go through that phase? Also yes.
You do need to get with your GF and talk through her parenting, your parenting, expectations, the "ours" baby that is coming. There's A LOT here to work out and sort through before a baby is thrown into the mix.
If your son is the only thing
If your son is the only thing you care about in this world why do you have a girlfriend? Does she know you fee this way? If not you need to tell her straight your son is the only thing you care about and let her find someone who will not only care about her but love and cherish her. You should remain single until you can figure out how to be a true partner.
How do you and your GF
Ever get alone time together? You don't go away for the weekend? Or out to eat like adults? This child is 4. He should understand that not everything revolves around him. If someone gets something it's understandably he wants a gift. But not be able to go outside ?