Sibling Abuse
I have a 2 year old son and an 11 year old stepdaughter. She lives with us during the summer and holidays. To make a long story short, we have recently discovered that the 11 year old is physically abusing our 2 year old. I suspected she was doing something because anytime they were left alone for even 30 seconds, he would be crying real tears (something that is unusal for him) when I came back. I looked at video from our baby monitors and it captured her running over to him, hitting him fairly hard and then running away. When confronted, she admitted that she had been harming him (hitting, pinching, kicking and pushing him over) since she arrived 3 weeks ago. His behavior has changed slightly since she got here. He was being more clingy but I just thought it was a phase. I feel so guilty that this has happened on my watch.
Anyways, we decided it would be better if she stayed with her aunt and cousin (same age as her) until we could figure out how to handle the situation. We just cannot trust her in the house with our baby. She has a lot of behavioral issues including lying, trying to steal from me, fighting in school and camp, etc. I don't know what to do at this point. Clearly she needs professional help, but what do we do in the meantime? Do we let her back in the house? I feel like it would be unsafe for my son for her to be there, especially since I have read that parental intervention can make these situtaions even worse. But, I also don't want to completely alienate her from our family because I feel like that might make it worse too. Any advice? My top priority has to be the safety of my son, but I do love her and want the best for her too. Please help!!
What is her mother's reaction
What is her mother's reaction to this? Will she agree to SD needing therapy?
I would say that no, she shouldn't come back (summer visit must be almost over, right?) and that she needs to be put in therapy when she returns to BM's. But if BM isn't on board with that, I'm not sure what you can do. Did she feel any remorse for hitting him?
Her mother (a real winner)
Her mother (a real winner) said that she also used to do that to her baby sister who is the same age as my son, but that she doesn't do it anymore. I am not sure that I believe that she stopped doing it. It is more likely that she has just become sneakier about it. Also, it would have been helpful if her mother had given us a little warning about this but I guess that is too much to ask for from her. She says that she will agree to therapy, but historically she doesn't have the best follow through.
She cried when she was confronted, but I think it was because she got caught, not acutal remorse. When we asked her why she did it, she said that sometimes she doesn't think before she acts and her body does things by itself. I realize there are impulse control disorders, but if that were the case, I would imagine that she would act out all the time, not just when we weren't in the room or our backs were turned. This wasn't an isolated event for her. I thought back to the times she was momentarily left alone with him over the past 3 weeks, and there were probably 20+ incidences of him crying. I'm cringing as I write this because I think I should have realized something was going on sooner. The thing is that she always played the part of the loving big sister when we were around. When he would start crying with her, she would be pretending to console him when I came back into the room. So on top of the physical abuse, the manipulative behavior is quite frightening.
I also worry for her sister's safety when she returns to her mother's house.
Don't blame yourself, if you
Don't blame yourself, if you knew, you would have done something sooner. And no, these aren't impulsive actions, they are calculated.
How does your DH feel about this?
He is absolutely horrified. I
He is absolutely horrified. I mean he was crying on the floor last night. He loves both of his children so much and he is such a good man. He doesn't know what to do. He knows she needs professional help and wants to get her into see someone as soon as she returns to New Jersey. The problem is that her mother is not exactly reliable. She says she will put her in therapy but she has made similar statements in the past and never followed through past the initial appointment. My husband pays child support (way above the guidelines) but they don't have a formal custody order. I work in an attorney's office that handles divoorce/custody issues and have told him that he needs to file something that requires the mother to do certain things like ensure she is getting the treatment she needs. I think the next step may be to get an attorney in New Jersey to prepare a legal agreement that has such provisions and if she doesn't comply, he will seek sole custody.
First thing he does is cuts
First thing he does is cuts back the CS to required levels. Get a proper legal CO in place. He has leverage to make BM follow thru and he isn't using it. Money. There is no motivation for BM to parent so she doesn't. Give her some motivation.
I am so sorry that you are
I am so sorry that you are going through this.....Praying for Guidance for you all. I would definatley seek help with a child counselor and pediatrician,
No, you don't let her back in
No, you don't let her back in the house. When she beat her toddler brother she forfeit any place in your home and any place in your family for that matter. Daddy should have taken a belt to her bare ass as soon as the nanny cam footage showed her beating his young child.
If that Skid were mine and was beating my toddler that kid would tremble in fear and burst into tears any time she even thought of me, my child, or my home and actually seeing anyone or anything to do with my family would put her into drooling apoplexy.
smh
If I had ever done to my little brothers what this little failed prior relationship breeting experiment has done to her little brother my parents would have made sure that a repeat performance was not even a remote possibility.
Keep her out of your home. If your DH takes exception to that, he can leave too. Of course getting that kid disected by a therapist has to happen. But first... I would call the police and give them the nanny cam footage to make sure that this crap is dealt with and not just swept under the rug.
IMHO of course.