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I'm Tired

C Chea's picture

Submitted by C Chea on Thu, 07/16/2020 - 3:50pm

I went through a divorce several years ago, and my whole world fell apart. Our kids were pretty much grown when my husband left, but that only added to the stress. I had been a stay at home mom for years, and had nothing on my own. I had to claw my way into the working world. Now I am remarried to the greatest man I know, and the stepmom of three kiddos. The oldest is 16, and is my best buddy. We get along so well. The youngest two are almost 5 and almost 4...so I started all over again. Trust me, they are wonderful babies, but raising them at 45 was not in my plans. But love happened, so...here we are!

Their biomom is a work of art. She abandoned them for over two months to us. No contact at all. Then she showed up like nothing happened and couldn't believe it when my husband filed for custody. Over a year later we have them on a 4/3-3/4 schedule. 

Here's where it gets interesting.

I work full time from home. I am an executive assistant to the C-Suite at a medical practice of 14 clinics. I handle all admin for all the VPs, the COO, and the CEO. It's a great company, and I am so blessed to be able to work from anywhere. My husband is a paramedic and he works night shift. That means that he sleeps during the day, so guess who takes care of the kids while they're here? Yep! You guessed it! ME!

I'm finding it more and more difficult to find the balance. It's not the kids' fault. They're tiny, and they need supervision. But I also have two jobs and an MBA to study for, and that means hours upon hours of computer time.

It's getting to the point of considering giving the kids to biomom during the week and only having them on the weekends. I feel selfish, whiny, and like I'm failing everyone, but I have to think about the kids' needs first. They deserve to be in a situation where they can be cared for during the day, and I don't believe I am the best caregiver for them during the week. 

We are going to try for a little longer to see if we can figure out how to handle all of this, but honestly, I'm at my breaking point. I have finally figured out that I can't be all things to all people, no matter how much I want to be.

Comments

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 07/16/2020 - 4:07pm

Your husband needs to hire a nanny if he cannot care for them. 

As much as you may love these kids, they are not your responsibility. 

What did he do before you became the live-in babysitter? What would he do if you two split?

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 07/16/2020 - 5:04pm

Yes, either he sets up other child care, or the kids go to BM when he's not there. How are you supposed to watch a 3 and 4-year-old when you are working full-time? That's not an acceptable solution and he shouldn't be asking that of you.

Forget about the kids' needs, those should be met by their parents - think about YOUR needs.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Thu, 07/16/2020 - 5:16pm

I agree. Everyone says "we have to think of the children!" And that is true, but, OP, you matter too. Did you claw your way back to the working world just to do crappy work because you are busy trying to do your job plus be a nanny?! You raised your kids. It's good to help but don't let yourself become the default babysitter. What did he do before you came along? He should do that again and let you do your job. 

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Thu, 07/16/2020 - 6:11pm

"We have to think of the children."

The "we" that has to think of the children are the PARENTS of the children. OP, you are not a parent. In step life you have to take care of yourself first. 

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Thu, 07/16/2020 - 5:15pm

I had a friend that hired a babysitter for her own kids while she was working from home. You should not be the default babysitter. Change his shift, hire a babysitter, or send them to their mother or other family member.

And no need to feel guilty. Sure, you want to help your husband but HE is responsible for his children, not you.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Thu, 07/16/2020 - 6:35pm

Don't you dare quit your job.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Fri, 07/17/2020 - 12:25am

The kids childcare is not your responsibility - your DH needs to hire a nanny if he is not there for them.  As another poster said, don't you dare quit your job.  

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 07/17/2020 - 3:08am

First off, you have a full-time job and do not have the time to take care of other people's kids. They are taking up your valuable time and you could lose your job over this! Stop it NOW!

Secondly, you do not have to put someone else's kids interests first. Put yourself first and let the bio parents take care of their children!

Your dh needs to hire a babysitter for his kids during the working day or send them to their mother's. This is not your problem to solve. 

Again, this is not your problem - take care of you and let bm and bf pick up their own slack.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 07/17/2020 - 7:10am

They need to come up with a daycare plan. Something that is not in your house and provides structure and education for those children. This is NOT your responsibility. It is OK to put your career above your stepkids. You should not feel guilty about this at all. Your are providing for your family. 

If you were a man no one would bat an eyelash- don't let the gender "norms" make you feel like you don't deserve to have your life. You didn't create these kids. You didn't plan for this. It isn't your job.

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Fri, 07/17/2020 - 7:57am

Don’t complicate or inconvenience your life for them. They may have had a shit bio parent or both of them have been shit in some way, but its not your problem to fix it. We can have empathy about what they’ve dealt but it doesn’t mean we get tasked the responsibility of inconveniencing ourselves so bio mum and bio dad get to take it easy irrespective of them working or not. 

They signed up to have kids, you marrying someone with kids doesn’t mean you take on that responsibility and its shitty of the bio parents to handball their responsibilities to others so they can take it easy.

the way i see it, my skids do not add to my quality of life in any positive way, so right now i focus on my 2 young bio kids and focussed on finishing my university studies by end of next yr.. its a consistently high demand job so job opportunities are vast and salary great...

i can just see skids and exwife chucking a hissy fit how i should treat skids the same... just no!! Not after the horrible way they treated me and my kids. I worry about myself and my kids