Your DH is a boorish control freak with no boundaries when it comes to his son. I understand that you are in your 50s - do you have your own money such that splitting from him would be financially feasible? because this is what I would be doing, definitely.  

No, it is not a post for another blog. You said, "DH on top of everything else is very short tempered and he is affraid that he will hit me. I know that in itself is a huge red flag and a post for a different type of blog ." If he is afraid that he might lose control and is taking no steps to deal with his anger, than he is going to lose control and hit you - it is only a  matter of time. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233)and get educated about domestic violence. Contact a lawyer and find out where you stand if you get divorced. Start making a plan now, so you can get out when you need to or when you are ready.

Is there another bedroom that you can sleep in? If so, I'd sleep there until SS is gone. If DH doesn't like it, maybe he will keep SS out of the bedroom. As far as I am concerned, keeping someone from sleeping is one of the worst things a partner can do. There is no excuse for it.

If you haven't already, watch "Sleeping With The Enemy" with Julia Roberts. Your comment about the toilet paper made me think of the husband in that movie - control freak indeed...

The fact that is makes your more happy to planning to leave, then it is probably time leave this house and relationship so you can be happy.

I hope you and your DS find somewhere soon to live and be happy and not living walking on eggshells.  

Your DH is very selfish. He wants what he wants and your needs don't matter. You have nothing to lose getting out of this marriage, don't spend your life this way.  I'd rather be alone with a house full of cats and dogs than with a selfish man like this.

The fact that your son is afraid to start his own life because he feels the need to protect you is all that I can think about with your post. 

Do you really want your son to not have his own life, wife and family because of your bad choice in marriage? I am sorry to be so blunt- but I think it really needs to be said that way. 

Going back to the rest of the post if I was awakened by a kid in my bed EATING I would have thrown them both out the freaking window. There would have been no end to my wrath that night. If anyone would be scared it would have been my husband. You need to leave this man. 

Your son deserves to have his own life. You deserve to sleep in peace, go to the bathroom without worrying that you are using too much TP- to fear violence in you own home. Leave. Don't look back. 

Don't fight for the house or even over the belongings. Take what you can that is yours, whatever you can get in a u-haul truck one day when he is at work and leave. 

An "emergency" heart to heart at 11 pm with a 9-year-old in your bed (with Doritos!), then gets upset with you that your tone is snippy when you are rudely awakened. What a jerk! Also, the toilet paper issue is just great. I once told a similarly controlling guy that he needs to trust me and let me use as much TP as i think i need. Otherwise it's him who will have to deal with the result of inadequate wiping!

Seriously though. This guy is a jerk and do you really want to play second fiddle to his little spoiled prince for like 10 more years?! Dorito crunching in your bed that's more important than your sleep? F this guy. 

When your kid retards his life because he feels he has to protect you it is time to question what he is protecting you from and consider that maybe you should protect yourself and walk away from this household and let your son be confident that you are in a good situation so that he can get on with his life. 

I think everyone else has already said it...your DH doesn't sound like he's treating you well. You deserve better and he can shut up about the TP. Most important of all the 9yo SS should be in bed way before 11pm. 

I am a survivor of abuse. I had NO WARNING that my psycho exh would do one helluva job beating me so badly that I was hospitalized and have the souvenir scars to show for it.

Yours has given you warning. 

BELIEVE HIM AND GET OUT NOW.

Your son knows this. You know this, but will not consciously admit it. If this "man" threatened your son, would you leave??? 

LEAVE!!!

You need to get out of this relationship. You and your son should move out.

In addition to the major red flag of him being afraid of hitting you, it sounds like you don't feel safe even saying when something is upsetting you. In a healthy relationship, you should have been able to say "hey, broski's, move your convo out of my room so I can sleep!! And please be more respectful next time." To which they should have said OH sorry! We will move. The double standards, the micro-control, you feeling powerless.... all signs that you're in an abusive relationship. Are you ok with living this way? What would you change if you could? If you were to tell your DH exactly how you feel, that he's about to lose you because he's being so disrespectful and the thought of leaving sounds nice, how would he react? Would he react in a healthy way and make you feel safe to express yourself? Or would he try and turn it around on you and be defensive?

Leaving an abusive relationship takes a LOT. Usually it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave. The best way to leave for good is to have a big support system. Connect with your friends and family frequently and tell them what's going on. In case you need to flee and stay at someone's place, have a plan with one or multiple of them.

It's very sad to see your son feels obligated to stay there because he doesn't think you're safe. He shouldn't have to go through that. How does that make you feel? He should be able to follow his dreams and not have to manage your life. Let yourself indulge in the fantasty of leaving this man. Let yourself make detailed plans. Share them with your support group. Here's a good resource, this site has a lot of information but the biggie is you have access to talk directly to a professional 24/7, either by chat, text or over the phone: https://www.loveisrespect.org/. You and your son desesrve happiness. Good luck.