Long and distressing

Forums:

Hi everyone. I have been a member here for a few months and have been reading the forums regularly but havent posted much. But now I really need insight from people who understand.

BF and I have been living together about a year at his home. I still own mine, as a side note. I have DD15, and there is SS13 and SD7. We found out 3 months ago that DD and SS had had sex a few times in our home at night when everyone else was asleep. SS says DD pressured him into it, but after a few times he was all into it as well. However, he started to feel really remorseful, and we knew something was wrong with him by how he was acting, and he finally spilled the beans. As soon as BF and I found out, we immediately installed motion activated cameras with alarms all through the house, stopped leaving them alone together ever, and have kept them separated at all times when 1 of us is present. We had very serious talks with them as well, and both kids are very regretful about it.

Here's the problem. BF feels DD is 100% at fault for this, since she was older and had had sex before. I was a lot more lenient with DD than BF was with his kids. I always had very open and honest conversations with her about sex and drugs and alcohol, and let her make decisions on her own, with me stepping in only if she was making a very poor decision. So because she had sex before and did some typical teenager stuff that BF just feels is horrible, he thinks she is the devil child. Ever since this incident, he cant stand to be in the same room with her. We put a lot of restrictions on her (took her phone and tv and unsupervised computer time) in an effort to steer her back on the right track. And she really has made a lot of progress. I see the changes in her and I know they are genuine. Yet BF refuses to move past this incident.

So this week I had to give DD her phone and laptop back because she is taking leadership class through a junior military program she is in. Keep in mind we have full monitoring software on both devices, so we can see everything she is doing. BF flew off the handle today because he said DD was talking way too much while she was online today, and that there is no way she needs to be talking so much during a military training program. BTW he hates the military too, even though he was in for 30 years and rose very high. When he came at me with this, I told him he needed to stop, and that I was not going to restrict DD from participating in this program. Well he blew up and stormed off and hasn't talked to me in 6 hours.

We hardly ever fight, or at least we didn't until this issue with kids. Yes, what they did was serious, but we have taken every precaution to prevent it, and both kids seem remorseful. But BF just refuses to move on from this, and I feel like he will always see DD as a horrible person.

So I guess what I need to know is, am I taking this too lightly? Or is BF being unreasonable? Normally he the kindest sweetest man to me. But when he is angry like this, he won't talk to me for days, unless I apologize and say it was my fault. I never wanted to think about leaving, but I'm so tired of my DD being hated in this home.

To add to this, my life has

To add to this, my life has been filled with stress and anxiety ever since the incident. BF and I now can never go anywhere without either DD or SS along, since we cant leave them home alone together. Not that we go anywhere now anyway cuz of Covid, but still. And DD and I used to be super close, hanging out together and watching movies and going shopping and just whatever. But now I feel like I cant spend any time alone with her, because BF says DD is manipulating me and making me feel sorry for her. That is not the case. I know what happened is serious, but they are both just dumb kids that made a dumb choice. I feel like we need to just move on and try to go back to normal. I feel like I need to choose between DD and BF and I dont want to have to do that. I am so tired and stressed.

Move yourself and your

Move yourself and your daughter back into your own home.

There is a very good chance that your relationship will not survive this.

Yep

You and DD need to move out.

You and DD need to move out. You cannot ensure that you will be able to keep them apart until they are old enough to move out.

This is at least the second partner DD has had. Have you gotten her a form of birth control?

The boy is 13. Is he old enough for a Romeo and Juliet exception to apply? Or is 13 considered a child incapable of giving consent? Could there be legal consequences for your daughter?

Thank goodness you still have

Thank goodness you still have your own house. This is a tough situation. Without knowing the kids personalities and maturity levels, i don't know if it was a predator/prey type situation or if it was mutual. 13 is very young in this case, and 15 isn't much better. Gender shouldn't matter these days, but it were the boy who was older, it would definitely be seen by most people as the younger one being taken advantage of or abused. The fact that it's her who is older and possibly doing the pressuring (if you believe that was actually the case?) well, i just don't know.

In any case, i do think living apart for the time being is the best course of action, as you aren't married and your BF is very upset. Both kids should get therapy IMO. I think having the situation where you can't really be there for your daughter won't be good for her in the long run. Yes, kids have sex at 15, but this is a special case and it sounds like she may be going down a bad path. She needs you more than ever. The 13-year-old will need some guidance too, as he is very much too young to be having sex even if he was not pressured, and he may be also going down a bad path. Everyone's beliefs regarding sex are different, but some societal taboos exist for a reason and stepsiblings of this age having sex after everyone is sleeping is just bad for all involved. Both kids would benefit from a lesson in self control and making better choices.

As far as your relationship, since he is so upset and has such negative feelings about your daughter, it sounds like you guys giving each other space to deal with the kids is the way to go. Maybe time away from your daughter will allow his feelings to cool off. It will either help or give you guys space to see clearly that the relationship won't survive. Or maybe it will. But space and time to focus on getting the kids back on track is what is needed most IMO.

@Rumplestiltskin

Thank you for your honest yet kind and understanding perspective. I really am trying to look at things from BF's and SS's perspectives, and I dont want to make DD seem totally innocent. I don't know if she did pressure him, because she denies it but he says she did. However, SS has a known habit of lying for years to make repercussions less serious for him, so neither BF nor I know for sure if that part is true. But either way, of course it's not something we ever want to happen again.

I truly do care for SS, and I dont want him to feel uncomfortable with DD living here either. I'm just so torn up right now with everything, and I feel like my world is crashing down around me.

They crossed the line... they

They crossed the line... they had sex. They should NOT be living together anymore. Period.

I'm so sorry you are going

I'm so sorry you are going through this. No matter what happens with you and your BF, you will always be your daughter's mother and she has to be hurting right now. Maybe you and your BF can make the joint decision to take some time to focus on "rehabilitating" the kids for lack of a better word. Maybe living apart, you can get them both in therapy and still communicate and date each other, working both separately and together to mend the situation and work to get the kids where they need to be. It sounds like his son had some issues too before this happened, from reading your previous posts.

Do you think your daughter will go to college and live on campus? Or work and live on her own after 18? If so, that's only a few years away. Getting her mentally healthy, successful, amd independent within the next few years is a goal that will both ensure her future and maybe allow you and BF to live together at that time without this hanging over your heads and worrying what will happen if you turn your backs for even a minute.

Time for some introspection

Keep in mind as you read this that I am not old or conservative and I'm not a mother: the fact that you felt your DD having sex at 15 was somehow ok and the fact that you don't seem to grasp the magnitude of this situation are signs that your judgement is off. The whole 'I like being a friend to my kids' thing is never a great parenting approach, as many here will attest.

What happened is a HUGE deal. The fact that SS's behavior changed noticably tells you that. It can't just go back to normal with some security measures. You need to move out. I'm surprised the BF hasn't suggested it, to be honest. It makes me question him as a parent, too.

For your daughter's sake ...

Please actively plan to move out. Your job is to parent her & protect her. She is living in a household where she is HATED. Fair or not. Get her out & focus on parenting her through this. I am making no judgment here about what happened or when it'll happen again.

My SGS became a CONVICTED sex offender at 11 years old. He was not "precocious," or "just being a curious, stupid kid." The family's excuses allowed him to remain around neighbors, cousins & friends. As a result of his family's "ignore-ance," he was able to hurt more children. The cousins were placed in foster care because THEIR parents failed to protect them from him.

Be aware, you can lose custody of your daughter ... you're BF can lose his son. Legal complications & consequences can still happen at anytime --- not just for your daughter but for you too. All it takes is an upset bio parent, a counselor, a concerned family friend --- one call with perhaps incomplete information & you'll be amazed at the hell your life will become. You don't want the State, CPS or the courts involved in your life.

Your situation is very different, but I wouldn't gamble with your daughter's life. You are on notice. Let BF protect & parent his child. You need to parent & protect your child.. Honestly, you need to move out tomorrow. I'm amazed that you're even considering staying. You can PM me anytime.

having sex at 13 whoa!! im

having sex at 13 whoa!! im sorry i would feel the same as your BF! he shoudnt blame you solely for both the kids actions ,, you both need to come together maturly to sort this one out but im afraid that damage may already be done. it would certainly take along time for me to get my head around that and yes ,, i certainly wouldnt blame your BF for being awkward and angry,,,,,,what if the situation was reversed and it was his 15yr old duaghter that had sex with your 13yr old son , how would you feel? either way , i would be moving out with your daughter back to your own home and maybe try and salvage whats left of your relationship that way,, but im sorry , i dont think your BF will get past this one anytime soon.

Move out immediately with

Move out immediately with your daughter, back into your own home, this situation sounds very unhealthy for all unvolved,

Agree with others

Move out. Now. Your daughter is a danger to the BFs son, and you are lucky he isn't pressing charges.

Stop being your daughter's 'friend.' You are her parent and clearly she needs to be much more firmly parented. Right now, she is essentially a sex offender, getting an even younger child into sexual situations. You seem to equally want to blame BFs son, but frankly as an outsider it seems your poorly parented daughter is the problem.

Move out, get into a few parenting classes and start being an actual parent now before you become a grandma in a year or two. Stop looking to blame anyone but your daughter and your friend-based parenting.

If this was a 15 yo boy who

If this was a 15 yo boy who had sex with his 13 yo stepsister, people would be labeling him a sex offender and a predator, and recommending he be thrown to the wolves.

It's no different that your 15 yo daughter preyed on her younger stepbrother and enticed him to have sex with her. She molested him, effectively, and this could have lifelong consequences for him. I know society thinks it's just great when young boys get initiated into sex this way, but it's not, it's very damaging to them psychologically.

It's a little scary that you think she didn't do anything very bad, I can see why your BF is upset.

Freaking finally. Thank you.

The fact that OP thinks her BF should just be "over it" by now is a disgusting cherry on this shit sundae.

We are finally, as a society,

We are finally, as a society, recognizing the damage done to teen boys who have sex with older girls and women. Finally, instead of thinking they are "lucky", we are starting to see it as the sexual assault that it is. And boys struggle with it a lot because they think they SHOULD be happy it happened, but it's not so.

I'm curious, what kind of

I'm curious, what kind of things are "typical teenager stuff that BF just feels is horrible"?

Years ago I had a friend with sd and bs in same situation

Years ago I had a friend with a teenage sd and bs about the same ages and they started having sex. The parents knew about it but did not adddress it and it went on for several years. The kids were not having sex with anyone else since they were with each other. They eventually found other boyfriends/girlfriends when they went to college and stopped having sex with each other. Nothing detrimentally bad happened to them or their relationship. No harm no foul in that case. Things may be different nowadays since this happened 20 years ago.

"Nothing detrimentally bad

"Nothing detrimentally bad happened to them"

I wonder if their respective partners would agree with that...?

Yeah, how would you like to

Yeah, how would you like to find out your husband spent his teens having sex with his stepsister and have to see her at family Christmas every year?

Partners often talk about

Partners often talk about their Xs and past lovers. Those with nothing to hide anyway. These two ought to find that discussion to be interesting and certainly nauseating for their spouses to hear. "Funny we should have this conversation. My first was my step brother/sister and we rode each other like rabbits starting at 13 and did it for years until we left for University. You know my step brother/sister. They are always at our parents for family holidays."

smh

No harm no foul my ass.

I would never want an SO whose brother or even SB ask me the question "Dude! How does my dick taste." A little bit of curiosity and "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" is one thing. But being child lovers beginning at 13 and going on for years is off the charts sick. Those parents should be shot. Figuratively... or not.

Devils advocate

I live in the uk and legal age of consent here is 16. Most people have lost their virginity by 15 at least 99% of people in my high school when I was there. If it was my sd who has sex with my son at those ages however I wouldn't have her in the house again but I would have my son because he's my child. I can see where both of you are coming from. I would however have to move out and keep my son away from her and her away from my son. Can I also say how much p*rn may have influenced the children's decisions. In this current computer age it's easier than ever to find it and I challenge anyone to go on a p*rnsite now and find a page without 1 mention of sex between step relations.

Move out

I would stop worrying about what your oh thinks and does and concentrate on your daughter. Granted some kids have sex at 15 but am I right you said she has already had at least one sexual partner? That's scary. She needs to learn to respect her body and other people's, sex is for committed relationships, when you love each other etc etc. You need to get to the bottom of why she is behaving this way, low self confidence, attention seeking? If you can't do it get her a counsellor but there definitely has to be consequences and watching her like a hawk right now

I recommend that you bite

I recommend that you bite your lip, take your daughter and leave. Hope beyond hope that your BF does not call CPS and press charges against your child molesting daughter. One call could ultimately result in your daughter being on the sexual predator list for life.

Get your daughter to a Doctor for a full STD screen and pray that she is clean and has not infected your BF's 13yo. If she has something, the conversation with your BF will all the more likely include CPS, law enforcement, lawyers and a Judge.

Get her some help. The problem is, you will have to avoid anyone who is a mandatory reporter.

You are lucky I am not your BF. You daughter would already be in the system if she had ridden my 13yo.

Plenty of people lose their virginity and are sexually active at 15+/-. Me included. I for sure was not screwing 13yo children. My sexual partners were always older than I was until I was about 17 and never younger than the age of concent.

I would suggest that you take a concerted look at your Laissez-faire parenting style and do what is necessary to protect children from your sexual predator daughter..... before she ruins her own life and theirs.

You are here