Boyfriend's niece is an idiot
Hi, new here, but it looks like a great place to vent and get advice.
I've been dating my BF for 3 years now and we have a great relationship. The problem is his 17-year-old niece, whom he raises but does not have custody of. To put it bluntly, the girl is an idiot. She's completely unmotivated, no curiosity about anything, can't understand even the simplest things, can barely read, and has no interest in learning anything. I'm no expert, but I'd guess she's operating at a 10-year-old level and has at best a low normal IQ.
She has no friends her own age and fully expects to be included in everything we do. This is a problem, since we like adult things like long drives to historical sites. She babbles constantly until she starts getting pouty at which time she starts literally whining. "I'm borrrrred! I'm hungryyyyy! I wanna eeeeeeat! This is stupiiiid! I'm tiiiiiired!" She's socially inadept and doesn't think anything of burping, breaking wind, or showing her buttcrack in public.
To my boyfriend's credit, he has stopped indulging her every shitfit and has started demanding that she start acting right. It doesn't seem to be helping much.
I'd like to move in with him at some point, but she's pretty clearly not going anywhere and I can't live with her. To be fair, she's not a bad kid in general-no drugs, booze, sneaking out or any of the things I did when I was her age- but I'm having a hard time dealing with my constant irritation.
Any advice would be really appreciated!
Why is she living with him
Why is she living with him and who has custody?
Her mother is a headcase
Her mother is a headcase living with another headcase and her father is severely ill and crippled. My boyfriend's parents and her paternal grandmother shared custody. She was actually cared for by bf's parents until his mom died. Bf's dad us old and understandably not interested in raising a kid.
So what is he doing to
So what is he doing to actually parent her? How is her school work? Homework? Chores? Discipline? House rules? And why does he take her with you when you go out? I couldn't stand that ...
BF has done his best, but
BF has done his best, but education was never valued in their house and it shows. He's smart and loves to learn, but he can't help with homework.
She's room temperature in school. No real interest. She comes up with a new career every week. Vet, homicide detective, business owner (no idea what kind), army, IT. She doesn't want to take the time to learn about any field or make a plan as to how to reach a goal. She's like a little kid who wants to be an astronaut one day and a superhero the next.
She does do chores when asked. She mows the lawn, cleans up, the usual. She bitches about it, but that's pretty normal.
The BF feels sorry for her having no friends, so he invites her everywhere. I don't think that helps solve the actual problem. It's more like avoidance. And yes, it's driving me apeshit. I need to find a good time to address it with him.
Taking her everywhere is
Taking her everywhere is creating and encouraging a dependence on him. Not good. She needs to get out. A part-time job would be a good start. So would signing her up for a few activities. Has she ever seen a therapist? It might be worth considering seeing what she's been through.
Not to be flippant, but ..
" ... she's pretty clearly not going anywhere and I can't live with her ... "
There's your answer!
I don't want to bail on a
I don't want to bail on a good relationship because of one turd in the punch bowl. That's always an option, of course, but bailing is the easy way out. I think this relationship is worth effort.
For me, that would depend on
For me, that would depend on how big the turd is and how much room is left for the punch...
Uh...even the smallest turd
Uh...even the smallest turd spoils the whole batch...
Totally agree ... but we don
Totally agree ... but we don't all have the same tolerance threshold
Difficult one
Have you discussed moving in with your bf and any changes that need to be made? In some cases you can't really alter anything until you actually move in together, and get your feet under the table so to speak. Then get on her case daily . But that's a risk you may or may not want to take. I'd discuss a plan with the bf, it's not healthy to be like this so you want her independent by xyz and if hes not supporting that then he's happy to have her there forever?
It's fair to work on the
It's fair to work on the relationship before deciding to leave - have you told him you'd like time with him alone? Have you shared your concern about the niece's future and how you'd feel about living with her? This is a kid who isn't going to leave his home any time soon, from the sounds of it - she will likely be there in her mid-20s or longer. If you have told him, how does he respond? Is he willing to put your need as a couple for alone time ahead of her "want", which is to go with him everywhere? Does he encourage independence?
All of these are good questions to ask, to figure out if he's willing to put you as the priority in his life.
Well, I wouldn't drink from a
Well, I wouldn't drink from a punch bowl that had even the tiniest turd in it, so not sure that's a good analogy! I know what you are saying, though.
However, you've got 3 years invested in this relationship and are not able to move forward because of this issue. What is your timeline? How long are you willing to give him to get his niece to become independent? Because if she really is that immature or has some mental or learning disability, she may be dependent on him forever. And it doesn't seem like he is invested in getting her to grow up and becoming independent. Or, even finding out if she truly does have an underlying issue and getting her some help.
I think you need to talk with him and find out what steps he is really willing to take and you need to see some action taken.
How long has she been living with your BF?
If you boyfriend does not
If you boyfriend does not have a plan on how to improve his neices educational level or help her gain independence, life skills and job skills so that she can eventually live on her own and suport herself he isn't really parenting her he is just babysitting. And he will continue to babysit until he gets fed up and the next relative needs to take over. Or she will live with him forever.
Sit down with him, lay out the facts, tell him he needs to step up and get help from every source he can to help her to be independent and anything else is continuing to cripple her. TBH he shouldn't need someone to point this out to him, he should be doing it already and it is ok to leave right now and save yourself the time.
If he resists or claims he will do things and doesn't follow through, then you have your answer - he is a lazy parent who would rather take the easy road than help somebody improve their life. He would rather live with his neice than work towards living with you. At that point I would definately leave.
This^^^^
Not parenting, babysitting
I think that is the crux of the problem in many of our situations. The parental person is not parenting but babysitting. And a step cannot parent either, because the attitude is that the adults aren't authority figures but merely caretakers.
Your boyfriend is hindering her from becoming an adult. And you will never be able to move in with him so long as she is kept in a dependent child state.
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