Its exhausting being SD
Been with my partner for 3 years. I'm step dad to her 9 year old son. So been in his life since he was 6. His BD abandoned him at birth and have had zero contact with his boy. My wife and I have a 2 year old son together.
My SS is nice to be around when things is going his way (ie when he is on his video games, TV etc), I take him out to sports games and movies, but when its time to do his chores or homework its an absolute struggle. He argues and has a bad mouth on him. Getting him to take a shower takes an hour just to get him the bathroo, same with homework and chores, it takes forever to get him going because he wants to argue about everything. He is 9 but behaves like a teenager with his bad attitude. Its honestly exhausting. His mother does discipline him but doesn't follow through (1 week without video games is cut down to 3 days after the boy exhausts her with begging/arguments).
He's also commented that the reason I'm strict with him is because I'm not his real dad and that I love my 2 year old more than him. Its hurtful
I just want structure and rules in the household. But I don't have the full authority to lay down the law and straighten him out.
I feel mentally exhausted and sometimes question myself why I committed myself to this.
I don't really have a
I don't really have a question but just wanted to vent and see if anyone can relate.
I think many can relate -
I think many can relate - your wife is the real problem here, she doesn't set effective limits or follow through with discipline. Kids who are oppositional and argue a lot need clear rules and structure, with clear consequences when they break those rules.
Many people on here decide to "disengage", which is to step back from parenting and let your wife handle all of it.
Hmmm. Time for eliminating
Hmmm. Time to for eliminating gaming and any reward until after showers and chores are done without complaint.
If he complains, procrastinates, etc... he gets one week of no gaming or reward for each instance of complaint and procrastination.
We purged gaming from our home when SS was in about 5th-ish grade. if he pulled any crap while he was supposed to be working, he worked when he was supposed to be relaxing and having fun. Work was sentences, thousands upon thousands of them. Clearly documenting the infraction that got the sentences assigned in the first place. All in perfect handwriting, punctuation and grammar. At a rate of 120-180 per hour until the assignment was completed. He worked on them any time he was not at school or we were not out of the house as a family.
He learned to separate work time from play time after sacrificing any semblance of enjoyment for an extended period of time.
And... he has great handwriting.
Try it, it works.
This!!! That is exactly what
This!!! That is exactly what I was going to say. Rewards go with good behavior on his part and you need to be sure to connect them in SS's mind. If there is too much in his life to manage, make it smaller so he can manage it. Clear out his room , remove the door, leave him the basics and when he can manage those, he earns something else back and as long as he meets expectations, he gets "rewards" As for arguments, simple really, he goes to bed early. Have a set bedtime and for each infraction with a sassy mouth he goes to bed 15 minutes earlier. "You must be tired if you're this grouchy"..whatever works. Remember the Breakfast Club and the principal adding two more weeks to Bender's detention? Yeah that's what you do with the sassy mouth, it's his choice to keep it up but he goes to bed earlier. Follow thru in this one. It's pretty easy to get the message across.
Last, his mother needs to give you permission to parent and back you up. You can't be expected to provide for him and yet suffer from his bad behaviors. If she refuses to give you any parenting power then dump it all on her and mentally walk away from the kid. Disengage. She can't have it both ways.
If his biodad isn't in the
If his biodad isn't in the picture and he is with you 100% of the time, and you are married to his mother, i think you should have full authority as a parent. You can't really disengage from a 9-year-old who is in your home 24/7. Plus you have a child as well, so you can't disengage from all parenting duties. If your wife doesn't support you having full authority with SS, that's the problem. Maybe parenting therapy? I just don't see any other way this works.
You do have some authority in
You do have some authority in that you don’t have to put up with ‘a bad mouth’. You are entitled to address that issue. But you also need to talk with your partner.
It seems like he may need treats and privileges after he has done something like have a shower, do homework not before.
No I haven’t always practiced what I preach (but I am admitting it).
But here’s the thing. What I have noticed sometimes about children in my extended family, and own family is that regardless of step/bio
is that if they have two parents/grown ups telling the the same thing at the same time ie go have shower... they are more likely to do it.
They just don’t want to listen to the nagging. But a parent/caregiver on their own potentially had a week spot and they will try and find it.
Shift your focus to YOUR WIFE...she's spineless when it comes
to disciplining her kid. She says one thing and does another. This kid has learned that if he wears her down enough emotionally (reminds me of Animal Planet when the cheetah chases the zebra and eats it from the ass up) he will get precisely what he wants, and essentially is being rewarded for terrible behavior. That is no way to parent. I realize YOU SEE THIS, he has got to be SHUT DOWN THE INSTANT HE STARTS WITH HIS WHINING. It will be a conditioned response, but the more you take away the more he will have to earn back, but YOUR WIFE must implement this and STICK WITH IT. People who love their kids DISCIPLINE THEM. This kid is also showing YOUR SON how to respond to authority. If you think it's bad now, just wait until that pecious toddler gets to be about 5 or 6 and behaves exactly like this one.
"NO" is never negotiable. My kids knew that. No matter how much they tried convincing or persuading me as to why they should have their way, I just ignored them. When they were misbehaving I sent them to MY ROOM. I didn't have a tv, games, etc. BORING. If they were grounded from the computer and/or video games, for example, when I left the house I wrapped the cord around the gaming remotes and threw them in the trunk of my car, and took the computer keyboard and did the same. This served two purposes: 1) They couldn't try to manipulate dad into saying "YES" and 2.) They had no opportunity to try to sneak to get their way.
You honestly have to get things in check with your wife. Once the kid sees you are both on the same page and say the same things, no matter how much he whines, it should be very effective.
Best of wishes!