I'm sorry so many biomoms dont appreciate the love and care a stepparent shows their child. Their kids are fortunate to have one more person in their child's life who loves them. It's a tremendous gift. So, as harsh as it sounds, making you a part of the parenting team is a privilege.  As much as it may sound vindictive,  a bioparent does have the right to not allow anyone in their childs life who does not have the kids best interests in mind around her child. In fact, it's their responsibility to do so. As a STEPPARENT myself, I knew my partners children would expect me to earn their respect and trust and was not entitled to it simply because I was their fathers choice. Often enough, biofathers fail to establish the team effort and, in doing so, serve only to drive a frustrated wedge between the biomom and stepmom. Biomom needs him to ensure her that the stepmom is going to be a worthy coparent. Stepmom needs the father to be supportive of her place in his childs life and meditate that importance to the BM. When he doesnt do so, it plants a seed of turmoil that punishes the child. 

As for giving my ex a free pass, I did not. He learned quickly just how much I did to make him an informed parent and how much I had done to facilitate his relationship with our kids. For the first time, i did not advocate his actions.  I couldn't legal interfere with his custody but i was not responsible for his actions and how my children viewed them. To this day, i dont speak badly about him in front of my kids. However, I stopped any efforts to make him seem the ideal father. His relationship with his kids was layed at his feet. He lost all trust I had for him. He realized just how much his and his wife's plan to avoid child support would irrevocably effect his relationship with his kids. I was civil but distant. I did nothing to influence my kids opinion of him. Two years ago, he actually came to me and apologized for what they had done. He came to see just how much I had nurtured his relationship with our kids and just how much he had failed to appreciate it. He had no one to blame but himself. 

So, nothing I did was out of vindictiveness or control. Stepparents are often overlooked and unappreciated.  Bioparents often use their kids to punish each other. In the end, it's the kids who suffer. So, as much as I wish it were different, it is also not wrong when a biomom protects her child from anyone who does not do the right thing and put her kids needs first. If a friend of my ex or a family member had done what my kids stepparent had done, every mom and stepmom here would be in agreement with me. 

I am not bashing all stepparents. I am discussing one. This STEPPARENT is the reason why so many wonderful bonus moms and dads are underappreciated. I've obviously failed miserably to show just how much I am on your side. It's not okay for one persons actions to dictate how all stepparents are judged. Likewise, it's not okay for a stepparent to ever violate their position by putting their interests before their stepchild. A BM cannot bestow a greater gift upon a stepmom than her trust in you as a coparent to her child. 

I'm am not and did not take the high road. I'm far from perfect. I went above and beyond to co parent with my ex and his wife. I did that for no other reason than making the inclusion of their stepmother a good thing. I WANTED them to love and respect her. I loved and respected her care of my children. Had they not done what they did, we would all be sharing the successes of my kids. However, no loving mother is going to give anyone a second chance to violate her trust. Why would you? 

I did not collapse to the ground to be over dramatic or in an effort to gain sympathy from my oldest son. I absolutely hated him seeing me like that. It wasnt his responsibility to comfort me. He shouldn't have ever been put in that position. Had my ex and his wife sat me down and discussed it with me rather than manipulate my son in an effort to escape responsibility, I may have not liked my sons choice to live with them, but, at least, i wouldnt have felt so violated. So, if my response to what they did was over the top in some people's view, so be it. If my attempts to make this woman feel welcome and included comes across as me thinking I'm superior as a mom, that's fine. If my life revolving around my children's needs makes me unbalanced or over involved, I make no apologies. I had a career, a large social circle, and successful personal life. I did everything I could to give my kids the best life I could. I'm sure there were times when I did more than I should in order to please my kids but as a single mom, I didnt have many opportunities to overindulge my sons and took advantage of the moments I could. If my telling this "blip" in my life is viewed as stepparent bashing, I do apologize. BMs do often abuse their mom card. Stepmoms dont get appreciated and one bad apple shouldn't proverbially spoil the bunch. If doing what I feel is right makes me a horrible BM, I can live with that. My children are in their 20s and I'm a grandmother now. They are successful, well rounded, and a value to this world. If my actions in anyway made me overprotective, overreaching, or overreacting, it worked. 

I'm sorry if I made anyone feel I'm attacking stepparents or in any way expressing a view that BMs are superior. That was not my intent. However, I will never feel guilty for putting my children's needs first nor for refusing to allow anyone to violate the trust I give them when it comes to my kids. Any stepparent who is condemning a good and welcoming BM because of the actions of the BM in their life is no different than a BM faulting every stepmom because of the ill behaviour of one. 

I'm not a victim nor a martyr. I'm just a loving mom who tried to do the right thing and had her trust violated. I dont harbor any ill will or anger ten years later. However, I dont have to allow people who've proven to be toxic in my life to continue to be. That's not mental illness.  Its self preservation.  

Today, I work in a field in which i work with blended families by helping them be successful parenting teams. I dont have all the answers. No one does. We are all guilty of reacting rather than advocating sometimes. We are human. We are also capable positive change.

I sincerely hope none of you ever have to know just how much trust is involved when someone you dont know is now in your childs life. In any other context you would be celebrated for not allowing a stranger to care for your child until they've earned your trust. However, make that stranger a stepparent and you are condemned for it. 

Neither side of a blended family may feel that they have to respect or earn the trust of the other parent. But, how much better off would our kids be if we loved them enough to do it anyway. That's what I tried to do. Maybe, if we did do that, sites like this would be one of praise and not frustration. 

I came on here thinking it was a safe place to offer advice and receive it. It's really a place to come to when you only want your feelings validated. You dont want to entertain any suggestion that you, as a STEPPARENT might not be automatically respected for no other reason than you are simply an exes choice. Any mention of you actually contributing anything positive to making the situation better is absurd. Even when the BM does make an effort to show you respect you cant see it as anything but a hidden agenda. A BM has every right to be concerned with who is involved in her childs life. You are left with trusting your expartner when it comes to who he exposes your child too. However, it In no way means you get a free pass from earning anyone's respect. Even when you get it you have no appreciation for it. When the situation goes awry, you blame everyone but yourself. No wonder blended families have such a hard time. No one is willing to give an inch or appreciate an inch that is given. Its I'm in charge hear me roar. 

I didnt realize that people would want respect and appreciation without any expectation of earning it from all involved. I most certainly had no delusions of having to earn my stepchildren respect. Once I did earn it, I was able to have a loving relationship with my bonus son. I wanted to show that I have experienced both sides and their are  still BMs in this world who do try to make the whole dynamic better for EVERYONE involved. I didnt realize that any suggestion that it takes an effort by everyone would be so ridiculous. These people dont want to hear that there are things that they can do to make It better. How dare you be asked to sacrifice. They want validation, not responsibility.  It's easy to find fault until you are in those same shoes. Once you have a clear perspective of both sides, making an effort isn't so hard. It is instant gratification that is absurd. If you are not willing to make consessions for the betterment of everyone involved, you will never work as a team. Someone mentioned earlier that there are 2 sides. Unfortunately everyone on here only cares about having their side validate but then wants to blame everyone else when it doesnt work. sad.

I clearly misunderstood the purpose of this site.

The truth of the matter is, as a BM and SM, I know that the real issue is that you resent the fact that someone from your SOs past is and always will be part of his life and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. When it comes to the children, BM will have some level of influence over BF decisions and he may not make the decision you think he should. That will, in turn, make you feel less respected. Lastly, you may be their fathers choice but in no way does that entitle you to be instaneously respected, trusted, or even acknowledged by his children, and like it or not, their mother. You did not get any of those things from their father simply by gracing him with your presence. You earned it and to expect anything less from the people in his life, especially his children, is just baffling and unrealistic. In the grand scheme of things you are inconsequential in the BM life. Yes, there are BM who are bitter and resentful.  They do everything in their power to punish their ex and anyone in his life. However, if you are fortunate enough to have a BM who does make an effort to include you and facilitate a positive and loving relationship between you and her children, you better believe that's a privilege and one you should not take for granted. If you cant, it doesnt surprise me that you're having issues with BM or her children's treatment of you. Neither of them, owe you anything.  Perhaps if you did see what a privilege it is to have these wonderful children in your life you wouldnt need a place to vent. Quite frankly, if you want a relationship where you will be the center of a mans world, you should not get involved with a man who has children. I have nothing more to say about it. 

I came on here because I KNOW I dont have all the answers and thought I might benefit from the experience of someone who has gone through what I am going through. I am not CONVINCED I know everything. I am NOT always right. I actually want to make it better and if there's something I can do to achieve that, I'm willing to try. I'm not looking for validation. I want solution. I didnt offer this to bash anyone or because I harbor 10 years of anger. I havent thought about this woman in years. She came to me. I offered, one because I want stepmoms to know there are BM who actually appreciate the value you bring to our children, and two, when you all work as a team it can be good. I assumed all of you would care enough about your partners and, especially the innocent children involved enough to hear a different perspective and at least try to make it better. I didnt realize that what most of you really want is validation and misery. You have no interest in making anything better unless the solution involves doing it all your way. I feel very sorry for all of you and especially these children. Venom and vitriol will never ever get you what you want! 

I hate that STEPPARENTs get a raw deal. Most of US come into these children's lives with love in our heart. A lot of BM and BF dont make it easy and the kids suffer for it. If everyone would step away from their own wants and solely focus on what's best for the kids, our children would be better off. It's not easy to be a STEPPARENT.  You have to make concessions you wouldnt make if children were not in the picture. It takes a lot of love and patience to step into that role and very rarely do you get the accolades you deserve. However, it doesnt mean you are without blame and if you are unwilling to see where you might make changes for all involved, you cannot point the finger elsewhere. Despite the negativity I've encountered here, I still believe stepparents can be very valued members of a childs life and I appreciate all those who try. You choose a hard road and you truly want what's best for the children involved. To you I say thankyou. The rest I will pray for.