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BM1 has resurfaced again but SS20 didn't tell us

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 06/05/2020 - 5:57am

For those that don't remember the drama of BM1: 

DH knocked her up at a graduation cornfield party. He was getting ready to go into the Navy, 18 yrs old- she was supposed to be a one night stand. She lived one town over and told him she was 18 and just graduated too- She was really 16. A few weeks later she contacted him to tell him she was pregnant and wanted to get married. DH agreed because he was raised in a good family and thought it was the "right thing to do". DH was leaving a few days later so they didn't actually get married until right after SS20 was born. It lasted 6 months. She was on drugs, already pregnant by another guy. She lost custody of SS and has only had supervised visitation since he was 3-4 yrs old. She went on to have 8 more kids, all special needs but one- custody of none. She is the reason that I believe courts should be able to sterilize some women....

Anyway... Back to what is happening. I am the kind of person that stresses over everything. I keep playing the conversation with SS's new therapist over and over in my head. All he did when we were in the zoom meeting with her is say hi, this is my mom. She is going to you now and left the room (Not uncommon behavior for SS). The therapist had asked me about his BM, I gave her a run down and said that she had not spoken to SS in over a year, right before she went back to jail this last time. She is out but hasn't talked to him. 

Before now, SS ALWAYS told DH and I when she called or texted. I asked SS on the way to drop him off at work this morning if he had heard from her and he told me yes. He said that he hung up on her because she kept talking about him going there to see her. He told her he was going to send her a picture of something he did in welding but changed his mind because she isn't following the rules.

While I am proud of him for establishing his rules for her and sticking with them (she was told of his wishes), it really worries me that he didn't say anything. I think I am going to ask for his phone when I get home to see what she was texting. That woman worries me.

I also worry because DH and I have been coming down on SS more over basic things- his chores, cleaning his room, getting up on his own for work, etc. If she starts filling his head with rainbows and sunshine... This is why we HAVE to get that guardianship.

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 06/05/2020 - 8:57am

After we get these final assessments done it should be completed in 60 days. However, thanks to Corona, we are looking at early September. 

beebeel's picture

Submitted by beebeel on Fri, 06/05/2020 - 8:32am

It is possible, with everything else you guys are dealing with, that SS just didn't want to add more stress to your plates. Also, he's older now and he might feel more confident in handling his mom without his dad and sm's help. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 06/05/2020 - 8:58am

I think that is part of the problem. He is a grown man trapped with the mind and maturity of someone so much younger. I think he wants to be able to handle her, but she is just so horrible, we don't want him to have to. If that makes sense. She can really mess him up. 

She knows enough to know that he would qualify for disability. We will deal with that after the guardianship since it makes it easier, but we may hire a lawyer anyway. I think she just wants money from him. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Fri, 06/05/2020 - 9:29am

I understand you don't want him to HAVE to, but you have to also keep in kind that he may WANT to.

Part of what you're trying to do with SS is help him gain some independence. That also means letting him handle his own relationships with folks around him. I understand being worried about what she might say, but it sounds like he knows what his response should be - to hang up on her.

I think you need to approach this by praising him for taking this initiative and for handling this in a way that is healthy for him.

Unless/until he starts behaving differently, you need to let him have this freedom. If you start asking him to turn over his phone or blocking her number, he's more likely to rebel.

Remember, you and DH won't be around forever. Eventually, SS will need to move into a group home for his own growth and development. He needs to learn how to handle BM, and now is the time to teach him how to do that. Talk to him about this incident, ask why he didn't tell you all, praise him for handling it well, and offer solutions that he can use to handle her if he so chooses (such as blocking her number, and telling him he doesn't have to block it forever).

This is him exerting his independence in a HEALTHY way. Don't squash that just because it worries you.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 06/05/2020 - 9:47am

You are very right. I didn't say anything to him this morning other than I am proud of you for knowing what you can handle. 

I am just festering now over it. We do need to keep making sure that he is exerting independence, maybe I will just say that we would appreciate it if you kept us in the loop when she does reach out and leave it at that. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 06/05/2020 - 10:32am

We stopped that fight for now and are focusing on the adult guardianship. He is obviously disabled and now that we have him in the people with disabilities program through the state I am sure that he would qualify. I am sure that she thinks that we have him on SSDI though. 

I tell you what though. The process for getting someone disability is HORRIBLE. I sent in all the documentation I could find. His school therapist told me she was contacted and advocated for him to get it, his regular therapist told me the same, his doctor as well. Yet- DENIED. It is like no matter what you get denied your first try. I got frustrated and didn't file the appeal like I should have and we have to start all over again. I just don't have it in me right now. The only reason we wanted him on it was for insurance and with the guardianship he will be able to get Tri-care for life free, so I don't even care anymore about it. 

But seriously, in the interview with SS, DH and I went with SS because he get frustrated and shuts down quickly. He couldn't tell her where he lived. He couldn't tell her his father's full name. He didn't know if he had a bank account. He didn't understand 3/4 of her questions- I had to reword them a few times, he would throw his hands up, start pacing and ask me to talk to "that woman". Yep... totally normal and should be left out in the world. DENIED.