Stepson molested daughter. Help.
So I have a major dilemma and basically just want some advice from other apparent. I have been with fiancee for 5 years. Not married. We have 2 other kids together 5 and 3. We have lived together for 5 years. I have a child from a previous relationship. So does he. His son came into my life at about 2 or 2 and a half. We have always had issues in MY opinion. But Dh would say different. The mother abandoned him for drugs and hasn't made a appearance in years.
Found out he has been sexually abusing my then 4 year old girl. It was pretty heavy stuff..it was everything you could do before getting considered rape. I went off and demanded he be removed from the house following a stint at our local defax office where both kids had to be seen and go thru forensic interviews. The child was cleared by the state due to his age. They say he's too young in our state to be held responsible and they released him with not even mandatory therapy.
Well I demanded it. The father has been taking him to therapy. After 7 sessions at 40 mins a piece the therapist said he is only a level 1 whatever that means and that he is clear. She feels he is safe. He told her he had someone a little older show him content ..movies etc. Dh and his mother (boys grandma) are both pushing for reunification into the home.
I don't want him here. They believe he should be brought back and around the other kids because they are somehow convinced he is rehabilited and safe to be here. This is not the first problem with him. There have been 1 or 2 other instances sexually I caught him doing weird stuff and I caught him 3 times sneaking into her room at night. He was 7 at the time of the abuse . The defiancy is SEVERE. also worth mentioning because this instance is not our only problem. Very angry. , makes up lied about me, constantly driving unnessecary wedges ?? Don't understand. He is spoiled rotten by Dh family and comes over here and very hurtfully and purposely tries to tear this family apart. Well we are falling apart now and the boy is living with his grandma.
Dh moved out part time and is living with his mother 3 to 4 days a week and me and my toddlers 3 to 4 days a week depending on the week. I don't know how to feel about this arrangement. Should I be angry. I feel like me and all my littles got walked out on for no fault of ours because of this boy. I felt like he needs to go live with a family member and my Dh stay with us. Don't feel like my kids deserve to lose their dad because of this kids horrific actions. We created this family and then his kid tore it down. And we suffer. Thoughts?
That kid would never be
That kid would never be around my kids again (or me). To hell with your SO trying to make this "all better, no big deal". He's a diviant. KEEP YOUR CHILDREN SAFE AND AWAY FROM HIM.
Honestly, I think it's sick your SO isn't more concerned about this.
Contact a lawyer to see where you stand
Contact a lawyer to see where you stand. You are not the first person to post with this exact situation. Look for the posts by howboutscottydont. The problem is that if you divorce your DH and he gets visitation, then your kids will be around the perpetrator without you being there to protect them. You may be better off doing the part time thing until your kids are old enough to protect themselves.
It is beyond my understanding how a parent can act like your DH, but it happens.
My question
Would be who is molesting SS? Do they have access to your bio kids? How old was SS when he touched your then 4 year old?
So the person that did this
So the person that did this to him was a 14 year old neighbor boy from his aunts house. He was 7 when he did this to my daughter
Thank you guys for your
Thank you guys for your advice. I totally agree with the ideology of having to be careful if he gets any sort of custody. Because then I can't have control of what is going on and obviously Dh is a ball dropper and didn't see it happening the first time so why wouldn't it happen again. I don't understand him or his way of processing this. As a father, KNOWING your child did this and then asking your partner to bring him back into their house and put your little girl right back into potential harms way. Hurts my heart every night
I completely agree with your
I completely agree with your stand. The pervy spawn of DH's failed first family has zero business being anywhere near your young children. I would get a killer shark attorney and go for blood in this situation.
DH needs clarity that the molester will never be allowed near your children. Ever. Period. Though you could not get the perve charged I would still go after a RO/PO keeping him at a notable distance from your children and home. DH also needs clarity that if he does not gain clarity and protect your young children that CS for two young children for the better part of two decades will be notable and that you will not release the RO/PO against his prior relationship son until both of your children age out from under the CO so DH will not be allowed ot have all of his children together as children, ever.
I have no tolerance for this crap and DH and his family wanting to sacrifice your young children to this toxic pervy step spawn makes all of them a write off. It is tragic that this boy was molested but your children can not be sacrificed because DH and BM failed to protect their son.
Protect your babies and protect yourself.
IMHO of course.
It would be ideal if the OP
It would be ideal if the OP could make the unilateral decision that the littles can never be around the molester again, but without the backup of mental health or police, she cannot make this happen. If she divorces and tries to limit her H's custody or visitation, she risks being labelled a parental alienator.
Certainly is possible though
Certainly is possible though courts generally do not acknowledge PAS as a thing. Until that is the rule rather than the exception protecting the children has to be the goal using all possible means.
IMHO of course.
I would highly recommended
I would highly recommended you move on from this relationship and find more well adjusted human beings to spend your life with.
Your children and yourself will be much happier in the long run.
This little boy is not safe. This is not a good therapist. Things like that take years to determine.
I would be running for the
I would be running for the hills 100%, I appreciate you love your DH, your family together however there is something seriously wrong and you simply cannot allow this child around your own children, therapy or not, this child is disturbed & not fit to be around any children. He is a danger. I'm sorry but for me it would be time to walk away from this situation.
Your DuH is an utter moron if
Your DuH is an utter moron if he thinks he can ever have his son around your daughter no matter what any "therapist" thinks. Can't he at least wrap his vacant mind around the idea that a little girl would be living with her assaulter, her predator, every single day? How terrifying could that be? I don't give a damn how harmless he is or isn't NOW, there is no way he can erase the irreparable harm he has already done and for that alone cannot ever be in your home again.
Yeah, as a therapist, I would
Yeah, as a therapist, I would never tell a family it was 100% safe for a kid who had molested a sibling to return home. I would recommend supervision all the time (as in, if you leave the room, one of the two kids comes with you), for a significant period of time, if not forever. Also, in my opinion, what he did to your daughter was not caused by someone showing him porn - he was likely molested himself, which will take some more therapy to sort out. (Not to mention the other behavioral issues). So your concerns are certainly valid and warranted.
That being said, I can understand your husband's conflict about seeing all of his kids (though not his refusal to take the abuse seriously). Sounds like him visiting his son at Grandma's is the only option. I don't think he's going to agree to never see his son again. And the son was 7 when he himself was molested, so he's a victim too, and not a piece of garbage to be thrown away.
It sounds like the kid was 7
It sounds like the kid was 7 when he was molested..and also when he molested the daughter. I agree with the high level of monitoring being needed.. but the child was 7 when all of this happened. He likely didn't understand well what it was all about... and how unfair for him too to lose his family because he was abused? If he was a much older child, I would be more on board with the never seeing him again line of thought.. but he was 7.. now 8?
I think that it might be reasonable to require that the child continue to see a therapist.... certainly at least as long as his defiant type behaviors persist.. I think OP's daughter should also see a therapist...
OP can continue to live partially apart from her DH.. but she can't expect him to abandon his 8 yo boy who was a victim himself.... Maybe there is a path forward where they can join households at some point... but both these kids need a lot of love and help to heal. And.. a 7 yo is hardly an adult with complex thought process and understanding... I would have a lot stronger concern if this was an older teen or adult that was the abuser.. but a 7 yo? who was exposed to these things by a teen? I don't know if that warrants throwing him out either.
Of course... the kids need to be monitored.. in fact... the daughter should be monitored with her younger sibling so that she doesn't end up doing something similar.. since she is a victim too.. and these things can repeat in a cycle.
Get out of the relationship
Get out of the relationship now and report this to the authorities immediately. Get an attorney ASAP. Do not tell him, just leave. PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!! Are you really that desperate for a man that you would subject your daughter to this little perv? My former SS was a sociopathic little perv in the making too. He had a girl at school complain about him due to his inappropriate touching and he played victim by saying the girl was mean to him. After being around him for nearly three years I knew all too well how he was. He was pushy about trying to play doctor with his sister and would force girls to hold his hand and hug him when they did not want to. His bio dad was also a perv. I bailed on that relationship thank God. There was something seirously wrong with that family and in your situation there is something seriously wrong with them too.
My heart breaks for you
This is just so terrible on so many levels and my heart breaks for you.
I feel awful that SS was abused and nobody was there to protect him or help him process it. With that said unless SS has intensive treatment (probably inpatient) a change in his behavior does not seem likely. I think in your situation my priority would be my daughter. She needs your protection. SS is not your problem to deal with. His parents need to be responsible for his treatment and rehibilitation. There is no way your daughter should ever be in the same home as her abuser, ever! No matter how rehibilitated he is, I think it's too triggering for her minimally and I would never trust SS again. I doubt your DH will ever be comfortable with that so it seems your options are small.
Like most said, get a really good attorney and make sure DH can only have custody of your children if SS will not be present. It's tough because you probably don't want to remove your children's father from their life but it might be your only choice. He will have to keep them seperate from SS and if he's unwilling he shouldn't see them. Because nobody (I can't beleive your therapis said SS was safe) can guarantee SS won't do this again. Statistically speaking he likely will.
Both of my SD's were abused by their grandfather and the oldest has had many struggles. She has had lots of therapy and inpatient help (which worked better than anything) but her behaviors persist. She isn't a sexual preditor but she definately preys on people in lots of oher ways. She borders on sociopathic behavior and is impossible to be around. My point being that there is no being safe around her.
Also in my situation this opened a can of worms where my feeling is that there is lots of dysfunction in DHs family. I know you said SS wasn't abused by a family member but sometimes children are more susceptible to this becasue they have hearned poor sexual boundaries from their family of origin. Be very aware of any time your kids spend with DH's family in case there is more dysfunction there.
Time to go into protection mode for your kids. It sounds like you have a very tough road ahead of you I'm so sorry you are going through this. Feel free to PM anytime if you think I can help.
Get more proof
As of now your SS was cleared. So DH may not have to keep SS away from your toddlers if you two separate.
Video cameras where you can. Communication with your LOs. Watch like a hawk. Document SS's behavior.