After popping in and out of ST for the last few years, reading Stepmonster, and standing in the SM role more than once in my life, there's one thought that keeps popping up over and over: It isn't fair.
I'm afraid there are an awful lot of things in life that aren't fair - when you get to be my age (62) looking back - it feels like life was one great series of obstacle courses. Then you start to experience menopause, followed by old age which is deffo not for sissies, as Bette Davis pointed out.
It's hard to realize that. I am just now getting it. I was taught growing up that if you live your life the right way and even sacrifice your needs for others, you will be rewarded.
That's total BS. You have to stand up for yourself, set boundaries, amd make sure your own needs are met. Being a stepparent, absolutely nobody is going to advocate for you if you don't set the tone by being your own best friend. Especially in our child-centric society. The official narrative from the outside looking in is, kids come first, bioparents second, and everyone else is irrelevant. If you're lucky, your spouse will stand up for you. Even then, they likely feel the pressure of what society tells them they should do, and you will have to establish how you want to be treated and make it known before it happens.
Totally agree. Its critically important that SPs establish their boundaries off the bat because the SKIDs and even the SO will cross them if we let them. In my case, I made my boundaries known and now I have to be prepared to do what it takes to enforce them. For example, I refuse to be around the adult SKIDs when they are fighting with each other because they yell, cuss and call names. Now I get pulled into it somehow by SD22 in a very indirect and passive-aggressive way. My solution is to leave. SO hates it and thinks I need to stay, but why? If I confront them - no matter how firm or soft - SD22 breaks down and plays the victim. If I do nothing, I'm enabling it. Then SO accuses me of trying to change them. It's a never ending - unfair - battle and we all lose. The sad truth is that none of us are bad people.
I had a similar situation when OSS was married to his 1st wife. It was a short, volatile marriage that went downhill fast. Their visits began to include heated arguments between the 2 of them. I was stunned because OSS is/ was such a kind, introverted person. His wife was a fireball. The second time it happened, DH & I decided that them doing it in front of us was a safe place, in their minds. But the next time it happened, i looked at the clock and said, its 2:00, i can only take 15 minutes of this so youll have to leave at 2:15. That stopped them. They split up not too long later.
It's upsetting to be present when our older kids are arguing, no matter who it's with.
I'm afraid there are an awful
I'm afraid there are an awful lot of things in life that aren't fair - when you get to be my age (62) looking back - it feels like life was one great series of obstacle courses. Then you start to experience menopause, followed by old age which is deffo not for sissies, as Bette Davis pointed out.
Fair. A concept that does
Fair. A concept that does not exist in reality on any kind of regular occurance.
It's hard to realize that. I
It's hard to realize that. I am just now getting it. I was taught growing up that if you live your life the right way and even sacrifice your needs for others, you will be rewarded.
That's total BS. You have to stand up for yourself, set boundaries, amd make sure your own needs are met. Being a stepparent, absolutely nobody is going to advocate for you if you don't set the tone by being your own best friend. Especially in our child-centric society. The official narrative from the outside looking in is, kids come first, bioparents second, and everyone else is irrelevant. If you're lucky, your spouse will stand up for you. Even then, they likely feel the pressure of what society tells them they should do, and you will have to establish how you want to be treated and make it known before it happens.
Standing in our boundaries
Totally agree. Its critically important that SPs establish their boundaries off the bat because the SKIDs and even the SO will cross them if we let them. In my case, I made my boundaries known and now I have to be prepared to do what it takes to enforce them. For example, I refuse to be around the adult SKIDs when they are fighting with each other because they yell, cuss and call names. Now I get pulled into it somehow by SD22 in a very indirect and passive-aggressive way. My solution is to leave. SO hates it and thinks I need to stay, but why? If I confront them - no matter how firm or soft - SD22 breaks down and plays the victim. If I do nothing, I'm enabling it. Then SO accuses me of trying to change them. It's a never ending - unfair - battle and we all lose. The sad truth is that none of us are bad people.
Similar situation
I had a similar situation when OSS was married to his 1st wife. It was a short, volatile marriage that went downhill fast. Their visits began to include heated arguments between the 2 of them. I was stunned because OSS is/ was such a kind, introverted person. His wife was a fireball. The second time it happened, DH & I decided that them doing it in front of us was a safe place, in their minds. But the next time it happened, i looked at the clock and said, its 2:00, i can only take 15 minutes of this so youll have to leave at 2:15. That stopped them. They split up not too long later.
It's upsetting to be present when our older kids are arguing, no matter who it's with.