MIL told SS Something that floored me...thoughts
My MIL HATES BM and always did. BM had some cancer(?) as a child that left her unable to have her own kids so BM used a egg donor and DH Sperm to get SS13. SS13 did NOT know this. Well since we live next to my MIL SS spends a lot of time over there and MIL takes him places Quite frequently.
Well about two weeks ago MIL told SS13 out of the blue BM was not his "real" mother and told him the whole egg donor story. Not sure Exactly what was said as neither DH or I were there but MIL told us after.
Now one would think SS13 would have been really upset to hear this but nope. SS LOVES BM and thinks the sun sets on her fat ass. MIL said he acted like he did not really care. SS13 NEVER asked DH about it after and never said anything to BM either(trust me we would have heard if he did). DH was not bothered because again it's the truth.
So big WTF....now SS knows MIL hates BM so maybe SS is thinking MIL is just making it up to try and get him to not love BM as much?? Is SS hiding his true reaction? SS also loves MIL very much so does he not want her to see how he really feels?
So what are your thoughts on why a kid SEEMS like he does not care when he's told by someone he loves the mother he loves is not his real mom???
Well
First, BM is his real mom.
second, what reaction were you hoping for?
third, is your DH going to read his mother the riot act for telling SS this sensitive fact?
Exactly! Some MIL I’d be wondering what she thinks of me!
I think what the OP was meaning is one would think a kid who loves his mom would at least be asking questions to DH about what MIL said. OP stated SS did love his mom so my opinion in SS thinks MIL is lying
Wow, what a boundary stomping
Wow, what a boundary stomping piece of work your MIL is. That was sooo inappropriate.
Your H needs to put his mom in her place and stop allowing her so much access to his son. He also needs to broach the subject of how SS was conceived with him, talk it through and answer any questions the boy might have.
I'd watch my back around your MIL. She has shown she cannot be trusted. Who knows what else she's said to SS? She needs a time out.
THIS!!! ^^^^^^^
OMG your MIL has some huge boundary issues. Please start protecting yourself and family from her!
Damn, your MIL had no
Damn, your MIL had no business telling SS that, whatsoever. Though I will say, it's something that he should have known already, it's best to tell kids "their story" from when they are young, so nasty surprises don't come out later.
Anyway, in my experience 13-year-old boys are pretty clueless and lacking in insight, so he might not even really get it. And some kids honestly don't care about that kind of stuff, even when they grow out of the clueless 13s.
Interesting story in our family
That is surprising he did not react at all - maybe he thought she made it up. It was definitely not her place to tell him that's for sure.
My SIL is also not the biomom of her 14 year old twins - they used both an egg donor and a surrogate. BIL is the biodad. The interesting part is both of these women are family friends that they see fairly often. The twins know all of this other than they don't realize they have known their biological mother all of their lives as well as their half sister. My SIL is an unbelievably fantastic mother - she's great (as is BIL a great dad). I think that she may be afraid of what their reaction would be. I cannot imagine that they would decide the egg donor is their mom but they could go through a phase, you never know. I don't think nephew would but niece, that is possible who knows. In my opinion SIL and BIL need to tell the kids the truth asap - they are old enough and if they find out some other way like Ancestry DNA someday they are going to feel very betrayed. BIL is leaving it up to SIL when she is ready to tell them.
If he loves both BM and MIL,
If he loves both BM and MIL, he may think he has been told this out of love (instead of spite), and that made it really easy to accept. Or, with as much media attention as their is on fertility and adoptio, it's quite possible that he has just grown up with a very different mindset where this is unique, but not abnormal.
I also think that the biological set-up of this plays a role. If the situation were reversed where Dad was not biodad, it brings into question whether BM cheated, even if told that a sperm donor was used. A woman can't be accidentally impregnated with another woman's egg, but it would be easy to cover up her infidelity by saying "oh, we used a donor".
None of this speculation matters, though. Your DH needs to read MIL the riot act for disclosing that information, period. It wasn't hers to share. Then, he needs to talk to his son and make sure SS is actually okay. Lastly, he needs to inform BM that SS has been told and that DH has handled it (and how he handled it - which should include limiting one-on-one time between MIL and SS since MIL can't let her disdain for BM remain silenced).
Since SS knows MIL hates BM I Doubt
SS thought it was a act of love telling him. Knowing my MIL I'm sure she did not Present it that way. Also I've heard her openly making fun of BM Purposely in front of SS.
As far as DH is concerned it's a dead subject. Since SS had a I don't really care attitude when MIL told him AND the fact SS never said anything to either bio parent DH is dropping it.
I guess my fear is SS who already has a number Violent mood disorders and prone to flip a nut over very minor things totally acted like he blew this big thing off. Did he really believe MIL and going to go Psycho on everyone when he can no longer hold it in? I'm hoping SS just blew it off because he thought MIL was lying.
It's possible he doesn't care
It's possible he doesn't care or doesn't really understand. Some kids are really bothered by the "who is my biological parent" thing, and some aren't.
Either way, MIL is a b*tch for telling him and for saying nasty things about his mother in front of him. If a BM did that we'd call it parental alienation.
Have you expressed that fear
Have you expressed that fear to your DH, because that IS a valid fear.
Plus, your SS's mood disorders aren't being helped by him spending time with someone who speaks so ill of his mother, another human being. MIL dehumanizing BM, and BM dehumanizing DH/MIL/anyone is only going to reinforce to SS that his violence is okay because humans aren't really human.
I don't think you're wrong in your worry, and your DH needs to not treat this as a dead subject. Even if SS says it doesn't bother him, he has an entire skeleton's worth of bones to pick with his mother.
And yes, this would be a hill for me to die on because I wouldn't want to be involved in a dynamic that dehumanizes others and makes mood disorders worse on a teenager.
The only way to find out what
The only way to find out what is going on is to actually talk to the child. Most problems can be solved with good communication. It really is that simple most of the time.
This is so messed up.
This is so messed up.
Wow... MIL would be cut out
Wow... MIL would be cut out of our lives. Donor not not BM is his "ReAl MoM" -- get that straight. You may hate her but she is SS's mother.
That was not her place and disgusting. That is information that should only be disclosed when BM and DH are ready or if there is a medical need.
Oh.Em.Gee.
Oh.Em.Gee.
MIL did not just cross a line; she obliterated it. What a vile creature. *bad*
You must disengage from MIL
She will turn on you. You can not control a nut. That why you must cut her out of your life. Seams like DH is not doing anything about his mother either , that a RED flag
Ugh! I have a meddling MIL
Ugh! I have a meddling MIL who I'm sure would say something like this, if it were true. She then tries to play dumb. She will say things like she's just an old woman and doesn't know any better (insert eye-roll here).
Your SS might not have understood what she meant. In his mind, BM is his real mom and he may not fully understand the biology of the whole thing.
Rest assured, there will be
Rest assured, there will be drama from this later. The seed has been planted. Your MIL is toxic.
Manipulative and not cool on
Manipulative and not cool on MIL's part. But... from a medical perspective it may be important for the Skid's med team to know the detail of his maternal genetic donor. No different than kids sired via a spermdonor.
These types of facts need to be communicated by the kid's parents and not by a busy body manipulative interloper.
Now that the cat is out of the bag regarding the hag of an MIL, it is now just a fact that needs to be referred to as a fact. It does not change anything regarding the kid or even the BM. DH and you should do the right thing and actually have BM's back on this one and of course have the Skid's back. DH needs to put his foot up his mommy't toxic backside and make sure she stays in her place.
IMHO of course.