Your issue is, I would say, one of the top three that brings people to this site - ie their partner bending themselves out of shape for their child, not parenting properly, not having any standards of behaviour or rules, because they are either afraid of their ex partner, afraid of their child not wanting to come over, or both.   I would suggest that in light of your age, and in light of the fact that your partner is not willing to see any of this from your point of view at all, and doesn't even seem happy about you voicing your feelings,  that you might want to rethink this relationship, because you are looking at another 9 yrs minimum before your SD9 is independent. Even then it is no guarantee of any peace of mind - just take a look at the adult step kids section here for confirmation of that!    Telling you to "get over it" is not what an adult in a relationship does - one tries to work it out and reach an answer that everyone feels they can live with.  

For me, a person who immediately dismisses any concern I have over ANY issue is not a good partner.  He's demonstrating that he doesn't care about your needs and feelings in relation to his daughter, which is not okay.  And he's not "blinded" - he just doesn't want to parent her.

You are young, find a guy with no kids, shouldn't be hard to do. And one who cares about your feelings even if those feelings make him uncomfortable.

Telling you to get over it is not ok. That is not what a partner does.

You aren't married and you don't have kids together. Take this as a life lesson. You are young, you can move on. 

You deserve to have someone that values you. Find someone without kids and start a life together!

The other posters are correct.  You are young and have an excellent chance of finding yourself a partner that does not come with the baggage that a child from a prior relationship brings.  While it may not be impossible to make things work, it may require a whole LOT of work and will require that he, at a minimum, recognizes that there are things that are making you unhappy and that you both would need to work on together to improve.  There would also need to be some amount of acceptance on your part that there may be things that are going to be beyond your control and you will need to figure out a way to ignore and accept what you cannot change. (disengagement).  But.. this requires a lot of constant work and effort on both your parts.. what you have represented so far is that if there is a problem.. he thinks it's YOU and YOUR situation alone to deal with.  That isn't a great sign.

Look, the reality is that in steplife, we are sometimes thrown together with people that we are not compatible with.  You don't care for her personality.. and it may be a mutual thing with her.. not caring for yours.

She is a child.. and it seems that there are a lot of things she hasn't been brought up to do... and I have a feeling that her mother probably did most of the parenting while your partner was just "play daddy".  He may just expect that as a woman, you will naturally fall into this motherly role with her.  or at least know how to deal with a child because you are female.. do not underestimate this basic level of chauvenistic mindset many men have.  So, in some ways.. you can't blame her for not knowing how to do things.. or her manners.. and her father certainly isn't reminding her of these standards.  She sounds a bit like my OSD was at 9.. a bit morose.. and awkward.. and not inclined to say hello or interact with me.  Part shyness.. part some underlying resentment towards sharing her dad.. part fear of not knowing what is going on.. part just being a kid.

But... if you think that you can convince your BF that his child is some awkward, lazy, rude troll that needs an attitude adjustment?  As much as you would like for him to see that "light".. he sees her as his little girl.. and when you try to point out her faults to him.. or blame her for your uncomfortableness.. he sees that as an ATTACK on her.. and by proxy HIM.  So he goes into papa bear protective mode.. and his ability to listen shuts down.  In a way, it's not so much that he is blinded.. but that you two have a different perspective of her from where you are sitting.  Imagine him looking out the window at a beautiful sunrise.. you are staring at the cracked wall... sitting in the same room.. seeing different things because you are looking at the world from different angles.

If you do want to try to work on this.. you need to learn how to carefully craft criticisms.  You also need to accept that you may need to "fake it till you make it" a little and force yourself to pretend to focus on her good points.. (even my OSD had them..was very good at art for example).  Compliment her.  Brightly greet HER when she comes into the room.. or you come into the room..  Let him see that you CAN see her in more than a negative light.  That way... when you do have a specific request of her.. like.. Please take your dinner dishes to the sink and rinse them.  It isn't seen as picking at her... and you can't rely on the fact that you asked her to do things "once"... for a while she may need to be reminded to do things.. it doesn't have to be done in an angry way.. just matter of fact.. "please clear your plate" etc...   If you can't manage that.. then perhaps you can just ask your husband to clear plates after dinner.  or ask him to straighten up her room etc..  Perhaps when his workload increases.. he may be inclined to teach princess himself?

"Honey... can you go ahead and get the sheets from SD's room and her laundry?  I think I saw some dishes too.. and straighten up and vacuum up in there.  I don't want to invade her privacy.. so I really think it's better if YOU do her room.. yeah.. great.. thanks so much."

You don't have to accept that her bathroom is filthy.. her father can take on that responsibility... or he can get his daughter to be more clean right?

Re her being loud... well.. she is 9.. and maybe she needs to be outside more to burn up some energy?  Start suggesting things like.. "HOney.. I know poor SD must be dying to get out of the house.. why don't you guys go for a bike ride.. I need to finish paying some bills here"..   Noise cancelling headphones to listen to your music while you read.. etc..  You may end up doing more on your own during some of the weekends... but you won't be dealing with her 24x7.

Again.. this is going to require adjustment from everyone.. including you... it's not a natural feeling to live with unrelated people.. that is way different than seeing a nephew at the family barbeque.

I don't know if it's really worth all the hassle if he won't see even a small part of your side.. but you live it day to day.. so only you know how he is as a whole partner.

Hey there, so I was in a similar situation until a few months ago. My ex has a son (15 years old) and he was quite older than me, im 29 and he was EXACTLY like your partners child. not outrightly disrespectful to me but appreciated absolutely nothing, barely ever said hello to me, was a lazy entitled dropout, and his father treated him like he literally was gods gift to humanity. granted, this was all my ex and his dumb ass breeding experiment partner's fault, they were just two drugged out idiots who had no idea what having a child actually meant. sorry for rant.

I want to raise the red flag that this situation rarely changes. Youve already held out a lot longer than me (I was with him for a year) so I commend you, but could you ever see yourself doing this for another 10 years? I would think seriously about whether youre getting what you deserve, I don't think any person is worth the disrespect youre being shown here. 

I apologize if it sounds harsh, please put yourself first. Good luck!