SD is ruining my marraige

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We have been married for alomst 2 years but together for 7 years. My SD24 and I don't get along and haven't gotten along since my H (we werent married at the time) told her that I was having an affair. Thing is I wasn't having an affair - H was but didn't want his precious daughter to know that so he blamed everything on me. I had moved out for awhile and ended the relationship and she wanted to know why.....so he lied to her so he woudnt look bad in her eyes. Now fast forward a few years and we worked things out and got married and we were doing quite well.....we were happy. SD had been living far away from us and had cut her dad out of her life because he didnt do what she asked (whenever she doesnt get what she wants -she cuts him out of her life to punish him. Anyway, we planned on getting married and he asked her to be present and part of the day. She agreed but from the moment she arrived she treated me like shit and completely ignored my family ( I have 2 sons and daughter from previous marriage- they are 29,26 25) and friends. The day after we got married she yelled and screamed at me and told me and everyone within hearing distance that she hated me and that her father made a huge mistake in marrying me. It was a very difficult time....SD has always tried to get my H to leave me.She has sent terrible emails to him about me,she constantly tells him that he's unhappy that that he should divorce me.

Shorlty after we got married my SD decided that she needed to move back home and live with us. I was completely against her living with us but she demanded to be allowed to return home. (My H and I live in his house that she grew up in) She said it was HER home and that I was just a guest there and if I didnt like it then i should move out. But against my better judgement and mostly because I wasn't really given a choice- she moved back in. The next year and half has been absolute HELL on me. She constantly belittles me and say terrible things against me- trying to get her dad to leave me. She has had 'Family mettings' about me where her and my SS(her brother) and my H gang up on me and tell me that I'm the problem. She has demanded that he put everything in her name so that I can't get anything if we divorce. She makes up lies about me and constantly tells her dad that I'm no good for him and to get rid of me- then they would all be happy and could be a family. That was my life for over a year....constantly walking around on egg shells and having massive anxiety attacks which turn into terrible migriane headaches. But, finally my SD showed her true colors and my H and her got into an agruement which she swore at him and called him names, shortly after that fight she decided to move out. I was quite happy about the decision. So, for slightly over a month after she moved out she had no contact with us or with my H. BUT....then covid 19 reared its ugly head and everyone went into lock down. SD could no longer go to the gym- but we have a complete gym downstairs in our home as I prefer to workout at home. Anyway, SD has demanded that she be allowed to use my gym. I have said NO!! that it is best for me to not have her in my life and if H wants to havea realtionship with her- i totally support that but I will no longer be subjected to her vile outbursts, her negative,hateful attitude towards me. I DO NOT want her in my home. AT first H agreed with me and told her that it wasn't happenening because this is my house nots hers!! She refused to accept that so she hounded him everyday to MAKE me change my mind. I wouldnt!! so, then she started threatening to kick him out of her life (AGAIN) and he got spooked and started pushing me to change my mind, giving excuses for SD's behaviour and says that all she tru;y wants is a family. So, I relented and said if she apologized then i would consider allowing her to come use the gym only! She refused to apologize. But, I was pressured again to alow her to use the gym...so to make things easier on my H i agreed to allow her to use my gym as long as she came and was here and gone by 10 am. And that still wasn't good enough...she wants to be allowed to come to my home whenever she wants and with her friends as well. I have said ABSOLUTELY NO!!!! to this new demand and will not budge. I have since recinded the offer of allowing her here to use the gym at all.

So, now the problem is my H is punishing me by using the silent treatment against me (A favorite tool of his) and when he does talk to me there is always the veiled threat of divorce if i continue to hold my ground against SD. I may have failed to mention that my H is a narcissist and has done lots of things to me in the past to hurt me. This is truly the first time i have ever stood up to him and not backed down at all. For the first 6 1/2 years of our relationship my kids were not allowed at his house- not because they did or said something bad to him but because he simply did not want them here. So, in order for me to have relationships with my kids i had to see them where they lived.

I'm at the end! I cannot simlpy agree to be my SD's whipping dog anymore. I do not want her around me....she is a very toxic person and destroys everyone and everything around her. She is not a nice person.....and will not stop trying to destroy me. She believes that i am a threat to her inhieritence and wants me gone. My H doesnt stand up for me....but says that he does. (Maybe he thinks he does????)

Anway,,,there is so much more to this story that i could right a book. But, am I wrong? Am i looking at this the worng way? I honestly believe that i shouldnt have to be around someone who hates me and is so vile and bent on destroying me and my marriage. Am I wrong??

Didn't evne read it all, why

Didn't even read it all, why would you want to be with this guy? The minute my DH is willing to throw me under the bus, is the minute that I am gone.

SD is ruining my marriage

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes and the long winded post but i really just needed to get everything off my chest. Finding this forum was amazing and although it saddens me to know that many of you face similar challenges with adult step childen wreaking hovc in your lives- i am also quite happy to know i am not alone. Gives me strength to know you are out there....

Your marriage already is

Your marriage already is destroyed, because your husband is not a good man. You have to put up with all that but your kids can never come over to your house? What?!

Good Lord, leave this horrible mistake of a marriage.

I suppose because I've fought

I suppose because I've fought so hard to be here, He always promises that things will get better, things will be better. I'm just exhausted mentally and emotionally lately. Between him and SD - I lose everytime. It literally feels like I am having to deal with 'another woman'. SD acts like her dad is her property and that I'm the one interfering in their life. An email she sent him states that they need to extract me out of their lives....EXTRACT!!! And that it should be him and her together in life and that any money he had spent on me (wedding rings etc) could've went to her instead .

It's so so so draining!

It will never change. Quit

It will never change. Quit wasting your life.

Well. . . that is how your DH

Well. . . that is how your DH set it up, like his daughter is his primary wife and you are his secondary wife. HE set it up that way. Having said that, welcome to Steptalk. Yes, there are many of us SMs who sucked it up and took it, for far too long, expecting some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Hate to say, there usually is none. Just more of the same. Dealth by a thousand paper cuts, in a way.

However, your DH has clearly shown a pattern, as someone said above, of throwing you under the bus. Not just a time or two, either. That would be pretty hard for ,most of us here to swallow. Perhaps like too many of us, your self-esteem has been blown so much out of the water, that you're no longer sure what or who is right. For that, I'd suggest you see a couneslor, alone to sort things out and get a clearer picture in your mind. It is usually once a SM sees the clear picture and realizes that she has put up with crap for years that she shouldn't have, that she can make better decisions FOR HERSELF.

SMs and their SKs in these type of marriages and relationships always seem to wind up squabbling with each other, but most of the time it comes down to BM and bio-dad (our own DHs). BM may be manipulative and controlling and DH weaker and enabling. Men, as someone once said, care most about their comfort, and if throwing their own wife under the bus gives them a comfort level, takes the heat off of them, that is what they will do. However, what they don't, cowardly, realize is that they are making things much more difficult for their spouse or SO, and even making things that much more difficult for themselves down the line.

Some men never get it. Some men love having two women (BM and SM or SM and SD) "fighting" over them, and like to play poor ol' me, I'm stuck in the middle. But, don't forget that most of the time if step hell exists in a household, it is because bio-dad or BM set it up that way, either accidentally, on purpose, or accidentally on purpose. It doesn't matter the reason why. What matters is that YOU find a way to make it stop. You find a way to stop being another family's be.atch, and at their beck and call.

I'm divorcing his 'brother'!

I'm sorry you're dealng with this truckload of crap....I'm divorcing the narcissist that must be your H's twin brother...our experiences have many parallels....but I was only in the house for 45 day (the house that H and I bought) and left 7 weeks ago and haven't looked back! Oh hell no! Your H will NOT, let me repeat, will NOT change...he's made it loud and clear where you are in the household hierarchy and in his life with his disrespect towards you. He allows the brat to run the show. My soon to be exSD is also 24 but was very conniving and sneaky, would ignore me unless daddeeeee was around, then she would only talk about herself to me. SD24 wanted nothing more than me out of her life. I told them that too, they can have the house all to themselves.

Find a great therapist, a place to live, a moving company, write an inventory list of everything in the house that you are going to take (don't be nice, take what is rightfully yours!) and get the hell outta there. Cut off contact with him or he'll work his way back into your life and the same thing will repeat itself...only worse each time you would move back because the brat will be there to torture you even more. Find a good lawyer too. The problem is that we BELIEVE these Narcissists and we hope for things to 'get better' but life does NOT need to be such a STRUGGLE.

That house sure was EMPTY after the movers packed up my belongings...odd thing is, I wasn't even unpacked from the move into the house before I started repacking to roll out of HELL.

Life is too short to live unhappy and under such stress and strain. I hope you can find your way to happiness!

Grateful Olivia Took Action!

So glad you are DONE with that situ - I remember your 1st blog. You have strength that I admire, plus your kindness and compassion to stay here at ST and encourage OP, who indeed has a remarkably similar Next-Level Inappropriate Mini-Wife situation.

Very proud of you & looking forward to future updates Olivia! :D

OP, listen to this one (Olivia, above) because she went there, did that, rejected the t-shirt & RAN! You don't deserve this, and I am so sorry you are in this situation. I look forward to your updates and hope you find the encouragement here to believe your gut instinct and trust that your vibe is 100% correct that the Father+Mini-wife situ is not okay, but it IS okay for you to end your proximity to it.

Thanks!

I left just over 7 weeks ago, seems like longer, but I just had to look at the calendar again! I've had a LOT of days of crying...what I witnessed in the 43 days I lived in that house haunt me still. I am HAPPY to be back on my own again, bought an Instant Pot and now learning to make meals a new way! Yep, it's the little things that can make us happy I ride my bike to the beach and continue to do my work from home while I take my time getting settled a little each day. I have the colors I like in my new little place and I've discarded everything that reminded me of him/her/them/that house/that sham of a marriage. Weekly sessions with my counselor, focusing on myself again, NOT having that constant high-level anxiety all the time and journaling to get the junk out of my head have helped with the healing. He has sent me sweet texts and emails and I reminded him and his lawyer (and now my lawyer) what the judge told him about not contacting me. Of course the narcissist thinks the rules and laws don't apply to him. Go figure.

Stay strong and get through the storm the best way you know how. It's not easy but it is definitely worth the peace of mind! My dog is happier too!

Thank you for being honest

Your H is the root of this

Your H is the root of this problem,not SD. He had an affair and you took him back. He let SD move in against your wishes and you stayed. He allowed his daughter to try to push you out of his life. He and his two kids gang up on you. Now he's giving you the silent treatment.

SD is not ruining your marriage, your H is. You know he's a narcissist, so you know he will never, not EVER, care about you and your feelings. So what could you possibly be getting out of this that makes you stay?

Triangulating like the narcissist..

Yep, H will triangulate you with BM or you with SD24 and it's always a no-win for you. The SM scapegoat.

Your boundaries have not only been crossed, they've been trampled on and stomped into nothing...pure lack of respect on their part and it's a shame that people can be so ugly.

Realizing that I have wasted

Realizing that I have wasted 7 years in this relationship......I honestly have never ever tried so hard to make a relatonship work in my life. I feel like a fool.

I am almost 50 years old now...i suppose I'm frightened at the thought of that. Starting over again with nothing.( I signed a prenup that he insisted on or I had to move out.) It's a bit frightening and daunting. I raised my kids by myself for most of their lives and sometimes had 3 jobs just to make ends meet. I did it proudly too. I just thought at this stage of my life I would be settled and secure in a relationship.

So, fear holds me here. I have no close friends anymore because he didnt like them. I work for his business....so FEAR is the answer

See a lawyer about your

See a lawyer about your prenup. It may not be legal if it was signed under duress. The point of a prenup is to protect everyone's interests, not just one party's. Frankly, if someone made me sign something or leave, I would have left and certainly not married him.

It's fine to reinvent yourself!!

You have MANY years to live a happy and fulfilling life! I'm 54 and wasted 5 years with the one I just left...left for good, I have zero positive feelings for him at all. You are at a great age to do what you want to do with your life! Move to another state, closer to your kids or parents or move to a place you've always wanted to explore! You'll make new friends and you will get a job too.

You've lived in a toxic environment for so long, any change would seem daunting...fear can be a great motivator and please be safe too!

FEAR

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

I'm your age and with my DH the same amount of time. I can relate to heing paralyzed by fear and doubt. It's hard to know that both are true at once:

I love this person
I cannot live like this

My situation is a bit different but I recognize the FEAR from your situation, and it's normal. Let this anonymous online ST community validate and encourage you (I soooOOoo wish I'd found ST a few years sooner!) through and past the fear. You can do this!

I would leave.

First, you can't believe anything your husband says - he is a dishonest man. So don't listen to his BS that things will be better.

Second, he doesn't have your back. He allows his daughter to treat you terribly, and joins in when it suits him. He pushes you to do things you don't want to do, even when your position is very reasonable. What kind of partner does that? A shitty, selfish one. Why do you want to remain in a marriage with a husband like that?

I have tried councelling in

I have tried councelling in the past, separate and together. Together doesn't work because H is so good at manipulating everyone and everything that I'm left more confused than when I started. Going alone, H has to know everything that was said and then we fight because he says the councellor is confusing me and not dealing with the main topic which is what is wrong with me.

I think its true that the step hell I've been going through is because H has never had my back- I ask him why he doesn't but he swears he does and that I'm just not seeing it.

Saying you would leave is easy....believe me I've said it a million times. But where does one go??? How easy is it to start over?? I know you may think those are excuses but I have no answer. Right now, the threat of being kicked out looms over me because where does one go in a pandemic??? I can't even find a different job at this present time as everyone is waiting for the lock down to be lifted. Foolishly I told my H this morning that HE needed to decide what he wanted....when I should have told myself that instead. I am confused and lost.

Kym8 you need to see a

Kym8 you need to see a counselor on your own to help you figure all of this out. You don't need to tell him about it or certainlly not what goes on. You need empowerment. We don't know enough of your details to give you a blow by blow of what to do. See a counselor and a lawyer. I know now it sounds overwhemling, but there are many women here who have been in your shoes, and have found peace just being on their own in a nice apt. somewhere, working a fulfilling job, and spending time with their children and grandchildren. That may be another resource for you too--your own children. Take care, and best of luck to you!

My ex husband and ex step

My ex husband and ex step daughter were exactly like this. Same age too (ends up getting worse with age not better).

If you wish to start over you need to carefully plan a strategy.

Eg legal advice if your married, and saving money (you are not obliged to tell anyone about your savings). Do you have any family to be near? Etc etc.

You have a husband problem and SD is symptomatic of HIM

I know we all want to place the blame on SD's, (and they are an unpleasant force to be reckoned with, let's face it) but your husband has set all of this into motion. He is the author of this misery you know as your marriage. He is not deserving of your love, devotion or concern. Realize I know things unfold in stages, which cause us to feel differently than we once did and to accept our backseat reality. When we realize DH's are heavily enmeshed and have daughter-wives, at first we are shocked, disillusioned and just so sad when we have that epiphany moment and see precisely what has occured and who is responsible.

Please know I get where you're coming from and I'm sorry you're there. Unfortunately "JUST LEAVE" isn't THAT SIMPLE. Especially when there are emotions involved, and now this pandemic we are all forced to keep in the forefront of our minds. If leaving is on your radar, it is a process. There's no doing this quickly, especially now.

I've sent you a private message.

I have my kids that live in

I have my kids that live in cities and towns a few hours aways, but I dont want to burden them with having to take in their mother. I have one close friend about 5 hours away but she isnt well at this present moment (Cancer) so I cant burden her either.

I have tried to seek legal advice but because I signed a prenup theres not much I can do. I could fight it but it will cost money that I do not have and there's no guarantee that I would win. So the fear of being put into debt to fight it doesn't appeal to me.

50 is not old. You may live

50 is not old. You may live 40 more years! Do you have a job? If so, start putting money away. Ask your most financially secure child if you can stay with him/her - they probably hate your H for how he treats you and them. If you have a joint account you can legally take half out for yourself - just be sure to save clear proof that you only took half.

Living alone with a cat would be better than this.

Sounds like you need space

Wow you have a lot on your plate! Massive hug - it sounds like a nightmare. Even after just reading your post and I feel like I need to go for a walk to clear my head. It really sounds completely overwhelming and I can understand your fears at 50 of starting again. I guess you can also think about whether your H is bringing any positives to your life, and if not, and you can't remember the last time he did, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship and leave. I can see that SD is the main angst in your life, but its because H is letting her, which isn't loving, or supportive.

You might need to bite the bullet and stay at your childrens house, or a friends to clear your head and realise how beautiful every day can be without the anxiety and constant bullying. I'm 34, and if my mum phoned and asked to stay I wouldn't hesitate, I'd be more upseet if she needed help and didn't call.

RE the prenup - its unfortunate and upsetting, but it sounds like you're not in a position to fight it. So I'd say leave it out of the equation for now and focus on yourself. Money is great and helpful, but not if its tying you to so much unhappiness.

Thanks for sharing and good luck.

Has anyone brought up how OPs

Has anyone brought up how OPs kids aren't even allowed in the house ? Unless they did something insane there is no reason for it

So no! SD can't use your gym. If your spouse pushes remind him how your kids aren't allowed in your home at all.

See a lawyer about your

See a lawyer about your prenup. It may not be legal if it was signed under duress. The point of a prenup is to protect everyone's interests, not just one party's

This ^^^^

Did you have your own lawyer look it over? If not, and the fact that you signed under duress, may void it.

If my husband claimed i had an affair when he did,

refused to admit it and basically threw me under a bus, i see nothing worthy of him

Stand Your Ground

Your situation happened to me. My SD was 1,500 miles away in aother state, and moved back home after we got married. Why? For the sole purpose of getting between my DH and me. She did every trick in the book to destroy our marriage. I managed to kick her out when she went to far with her dad, and crossed some boundaries that he could not tolerate (acting sexual towards him), and with that we both kicked her out. However, she demanded that ability to come and go from our house as she pleased and my DH agreed out of guilt. That lasted for 6 mos, and during that time she made our lives a living hell. She showed up at 6 am, mid-afternoon or late a night, no call, no notice. We could not do things because we never knew when or if she was going to drop by and for how long. Sometimes I would come home and this stalker would be sitting in the family room just waiting for her dad to come home and would not speak to me. It was crazy and weird and I was filled with anxiety as to what she was doing or going to do. I again had to threaten divorce, and changed the locks because I could not take it. Do not let her come into your home.

Why should she come in? She hates you. She will use the privilege to be mean to you, and suck up to DH and he will love the attention and blame you for not being more understanding. It is all a game.

She believes any attention, love, money, kindness her dad gives to you, is attention, love, money, kindness that he should be giving to her and she will be jealous. Unless you put your foot down, she will ruin whatever is left of your marriage. You cannot allow another adult woman full access to your home. It is your home. You are the wife; you are not required to share your wifely role with this evil child.

Also, think about leaving. You may be 50 but you deserve better. Unless, he sees what he is doing, he will continue to enable. For my husband, he loved, loved, loved the attention of his daughter and she stepped it up after our marriage to get him on her mindset. The only thing that really changed his mind was seeing how he was damaging his own child by indulging her. Maybe you can point out to your DH that being so enmeshed and having her so focused on you and him and your marriage will prevent her from having her own life and own husband one day. Seeing how determined his daughter was to "get him" and bust up our marriage, to the point of focusing on nothing else, is what got him to see the light and stop the nonsense.

Good luck. But don't doubt your worth. This man is an ass.

Thank you all for your words

Thank you all for your words,understanding and advice.

I have spoken to him about how this is affecting our marriage and how it is preventing SD from focusing on her own life. She cannot keep any guy she dates because she is just so demanding and controlling. H thinks that she is lonely and needs family and because her own mother has nothing to do with her - that she is suffering because of that. BM had reached out numerous times to SD but she is so mean to BM and does whatever she can to hurt her. BM eventually stops reaching out for awhile but then tries again....i assume hoping that SD has grown up and can a normal relationship. There is always a excuse for SD behaviour towards everyone. But, I am starting to see how H has not only enabled this behaviour but he is the cause of this chaos. This wouldnt happen at all (EVER) if he had not tolerated it and allowed me to so be disrespected.

I have brought up that my kids were not allowed at our home for 6 1\2 years and he just says that it's the past and he doesnt want to talk about it. SD says its because they just didnt want to come here and H never corrected her and didnt tell the truth that he in fact was the reason they were not allowed here. He just never seems to back me. For example : While SD was living here rent free and had to do nothing at all to contribute she decided to take a trip to Thailand, she was gone 15 days. 15 Glorious days.....everything here at home was wonderful, H was loving and caring and the man i fell in love with. GLORIOUS! When SD returned it started all over again, the rudeness, the belittling and the treating me as if i was invisible. Well, another 'family meeting' was called it which SD looked straight at H and said 'you need to make a decision right now and end this marriage. you are obviously unhappy and it needs to change right now!' When i replied that it was not true and while she was gone we got along fine and the house was calm and relaxing and we didnt fight at all. SD said 'Thats a lie! Dad told me that when i was gone all you two did was fight constantly" I looked at H and he never said a word to say otherwise. I repeated that it wasn't true but SD again demanded that something be done right now because SHE was sick of living in this tension. SHE was sick of it???? I left that meeting in tears while they stayed and tried to decide what was best for everyone.

As for the question if I have a job. Yes I do. I work for my H's business and receive a paycheque when I work. My work is mostly seasonal the majority happening between april and october. But have not worked much this past winter due to oilfield prices being down and now with covid 19 - everything is on lockdown at the moment. But H hold the majority of the money and I'm expected to pay to live here as well. So, I pay my share. Which in the end means I have little money of my own. And we do not share a bank account...but I believe that SD and H share one. Not positive on that though, it's just something I kinda overheard one day and know better than to ask questions regarding his finances

I am looking at leaving here and have sent my resume out to many many places.....and hopefully when the covid 19 lockdown is lifted then I will get an offer for work.

Thank you all who took the time to talk to a complete stranger and give advice and compassion. I truly appreciate it.

This sounds like an awful

This sounds like an awful situation, with your husband and his daughter.

I know that you get along great when she is not there, but your husband is still a liar and throws you under the bus without a thought.

Good luck.

They all always make excuses for their toxic offspring because

acknowledgement=failed parenting. Because of this, they will never admit to anything, but rather make excuses and make you sound like you're the problem and the issue.

It would be nice if you can see your kids and enjoy being around people who show you kindness, love and respect.

I wish you sincere luck in the near future.

As for the prenup this is clearly DURESS. He was your employer and you lived there. To threaten you with no residence and ultimately no income is not love, it's control. The right attorney can hand this man his ass.

MissUSA, I forgot to ask. Are

MissUSA, I forgot to ask. Are you and your husband still together? If so, how does SD treat you now? Has there been a resolution? Did your husband finally see the light?

Post apocalypse

Are we still together? Yes. We've been married 3 years and dated for 3 prior to marriage. We are still together but it has been a slow and hard rebuilding. He basically has an enabling personality and used to firmly believe that giving into whatever his daughter wanted WAS GOOD parenting. His thought was "if I give in, and show her how much I love her, she will feel safe about the marriage and and relax." And it never worked. She got worse and worse and more empowered. So its a constant battle because SD continues to cause problems whenever she can and we fight a lot. The worst thing is that I do not trust him to make good decisions or not to lie to cover for her. So there is a lack of trust. But he includes me in all decisions regarding her, because he does not trust himself to do the right thing, and because he realized how much he was stunting her growth. She literally stopped living her life to move in with us and focus exclusively on him.

Our pattern is he "sees the light" demands boundaries and changes, and then feels guilty and back tracks, then he sees the light again. Usually after she does something dramatic, like walking around naked, or threatening self-harm or calling his friends or whatever. It is usually some boundary violation and it never stops and continues to pit us against each other. But we keep our fighting private. It is not a good place to have to deal with and I want to move to another state away from her. The other SD is fine. It's just the younger one SD25 that causes all the problems. She has BDPD and believes that whatever she wants her father wants too and if she does not get her way she feels abandoned and he needs to save her.

Its a big pain in the ass. At times, I feel we will make it and have peace. But you know, whenever she senses how good things are between us, like we went on a fun trip, or we're laughing and joking, or decorating the house, she pulls some stuff to start fights.

How does she treat me? Like the villian. She is no longer openly hostile and mean, but she simmers with hate and while I can pretend like I don't notice, deep down it hurts. We do a lot of her -- paid for college (no debt), allowance, furniture for apartment, trips, celebrations, money . . . and yet it is never enough. She gets jealous of me and all things my husband does for me, because in her mind, she is first and any love, attention, gifts, kindness he gives / shows to me, is love, attention, gifts, kindness that was owed to her that I have stolen.

Your DH does not sound like he wants things to change, and I worry for you, that you do not have the leverage to get him to treat you the way you deserve to be treated as a wife whom he loves and honors.

Yes ,hereiam he does throw me

Yes ,hereiam he does throw me under the bus quite bit but the sad thing is that I never really thought of it like that until I started to read what other like yourself were saying. Somehow, I justified it in my head. He always said he was sorry for doing thigs like that when we were alone. I believed him. My SS says that h just doesnt want to rock the bost with SD so he tells her what she wants to hear

That's like rewarding an

That's like rewarding an angry dog for being angry. Of course the dog is going to continue to be angry when it is rewarded for such. Yes, it may be an animal I'm referring to vs. a human, but the reward system is that simple for both. If i get rewarded for doing it (get what I want--whether that be a treat or a one-up on SM), then I'm going to keep doing it. Parents who parent this way are LAZY and raising BRATS that they are going to be dumping on our society, dumping on us all. We don't need that!

I'm so sorry you're going

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It broke my heart reading your story. Have you tried filing unemployment due to reduced work from covid? They are also giving people an extra $600 for CARES ACT on top of the weekly salary loss claim. It's worth a shot, if not all they can do is deny you but you don't know unless you try. Also, I don't usually reccomend someone lying by omission to their spouse but you need to stop telling your H every detail of your life and thoughts because in your situation, knowledge is power and he is using everything you tell him against you. It would be different if he was at least somewhat supportive of you but he's clearly not in no shape, fashion or form. Since you're sleeping with the enemy, you may as well withhold your progress to plan your exit from this asshole.

Thank you. I am now starting

Thank you. I am now starting to make an exit plan because as I read things on here and even my own replies it seems clear that things aren't going to change. My H and I had yet another fight and it has ended again with the threat of being thrown out of my home. He's very good aat saying hurtful things and doing all the things I as for him NOT to do and cannot do the things I need him to do. Although I am making a plan - my concern is not the leaving part it is the staying gone part. I am unsure how to do that.....i left once before and ended up coming back not based on my rules but based on his. He yields aot of power in this relationship...always has. So, I am scared of how to live without him because he has lead me to have so much self doubt in myself and my capabilities that I fear I will fail. I am frightened to say the least. My friend says that I need to get away and deprogram myself - like leaving a cult, she says. She has faith in me and knows that I was once a strong, independant woman and she says that I will be again. Takes time. But, the first step is to get the courage to leave, yeah? So, I am building myself up to do that.

Again, Thank you ALL who have shown empathy and compassion to me and reached out with advice. God bless you all

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SD is ruining my marraige