I feel like I’m going insane!
Hi I’m new here so I’m not really sure exactly how this all works haha. All I know for sure is I need to vent and feel like I’m not alone BIG TIME. Some background — I’m 21 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend (24) for 2.5 years. He has a son who is turning 7 in a few days. His son’s mother is not in the picture so I’m pretty much the only mother he’s known. His son has an obvious, but undiagnosed, learning and behavioral disabilities as well as obvious, but also undiagnosed, ADHD. They both live with me and my family.
Honestly, to me, his son is a nightmare. I can’t seem to form any type of soft spot for him whatsoever. It’s like every move he makes just pisses me off! I get so so so easily irritated when it comes to him. I even surprised myself sometimes with how short my temper is around him. My boyfriend and I get into fights about it all the time because he thinks that should never even be happening. I know it shouldn’t happen but I also know it happens to a lot of step parents. The rage and resentment is so real. The whole stay-at-home order doesn’t help very much as you can imagine. Trying to homeschool a child who needs so much help is very taxing mentally. He has such trouble grasping things that should be second nature by now (i.e. the alphabet sounds) so it’s hard to have to deal with that every day because I just don’t understand why something like that happening since we don’t have any diagnosis or anything like that yet. On top of all that he also has such a smart mouth. The other day I was trying to figure out what he was saying because he has trouble with speech as well so I said “I don’t understand what you’re saying” he just responded with “what are you in kindergarten or something because you couldn’t understand me.” That’s just one example but I could write a book with the rude things he has said to me. I feel like such a bad person for even saying any of this out loud.
My boyfriend and I get into multiple fights about the way I feel towards his son (even to the point of him saying he's going to leave if it continues) which is understandable if I try to think of it from his perspective. He just doesn’t understand what it’s like to have to open your heart to a difficult child that isn’t biologically yours and that you didn’t get to bond with. I’ve only known him since he was 4 so by then all of these issues already shown themselves. I didn’t know him as an innocent little baby so I can’t feel or see that innocence in him.
While all of this is true, that doesn’t mean I don’t try to do everything I can to make sure this kid grows up to be an upstanding human being. His life started out with my boyfriend and his family. They lived in a rundown area and have very less-than-normal family dynamics and normalcies in their family. Something a kid shouldn’t be exposed to. I had my boyfriend switch his son’s school into the district of my neighborhood so he could get better help with his learning (his original school said there was nothing wrong with him but yet us and our families all see it so obviously that school wasn’t of much help). I pushed my boyfriend to jumpstart testing for his son’s learning disability. I even did a whole workbook with him over the summer for the bridge from kindergarten into 1st grade. I made sure he had structure, routines, and discipline since that was something he wasn’t getting before. I had him start eating more diverse and healthy home cooked meals instead of the junk he was always allowed to eat. I limited his exposure to the things a young child shouldn’t have known about in the first place like guns and alcohol. I’ve done so much to try to make sure this kid turns out okay. But yet... even just his presence annoys me. How does that make sense! I just can’t seem to get down the love and affection aspect. Please tell me if you’re going through anything similar or if you have any words of advice/encouragement!!!
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Comments
Welcome to the site!
Sorry to say, and I know he's only 24, but your bf sounds like a teenager to me. First of all living with his own family and now with yours, expecting to be taken care of and then fighting with you because you are trying to do some serious parenting of the boy. He's already started threatening to leave which is a very poor, immature tactic for managing relationship difficulties.
You've obviously tried really hard to make things work but really this boy and his freeloading manchild father are not what you should be doing at 21. If I were you I'd sit down with the boyfriend and tell him that you've put in 110% trying to make it work but it just isn't, and he and his son need to find somewhere else to live. Then you can get back to what most 21 yr olds are doing, ie having fun without such heavy responsibilities as a special needs child with a useless parent.
The way that you feel is
The way that you feel is totally normal. Your SO will never understand because he has a biological tie that gives him love and patience for his child that you will never have. I've raised SD9 since she was four and she lives with us full-time. She becomes more unlikable and annoying the older that she gets. Being a step-parent is really, really hard. You're young and it's sweet of you to want to try... just don't count on things getting better.
The whole situation, BF
The whole situation, BF included, is a nightmare.
You are 21 years old. Dump this loser and go live your life.
Just to Add
Hey guys thanks for all your feedback. Just to clarify, the things the kid was exposed to previously was due to the area he lived in but my boyfriend did always try to shelter him from that. Also, my boyfriend isn't a deadbeat I didn't mean to make him sound that way I was just telling everything from my POV. The way he grew up there's no such thing as admitting your child has an issue and, while that's no excuse, culture is culture. We live together not by choice of his own, it was me who had to get him to agree to it in the first place. He works and is finishing up with college right now. He does a lot with his child but I like to usually have control over situations so I end up always jumping in to make sure things are done to my standards like with his schoolwork.
Don't defend him. I've done
Don't defend him. I've done the same, say a bunch of nasty but true things about my husband and then defend him when ohters are too hard on him. They were too hard on him because they were experienced and knew he was not going to change and things would only get worse. Ive been married 2 years and yes they are worse.
Hey there- Welcome!
Hey there- Welcome!
I have some major red flags here and I really didn't ready anyone above me, so bear with me.
- Why are you all living in your family's home? To me, I wouldn't want to be with a man that couldn't support himself, especially one that threatens to leave me because I am helping his child.
- If BM isn't around and you are going to take on the actual mother role, you need to be able to do it properly. That means doctor and counselor visits. He needs to grant you full permission to get his son the help he needs. If he isn't willing to do this, then realize he is using you as a warm body, live in babysitter and housing only. You aren't wife and mother material, you are a convenience.
Judging by your reply above,
Judging by your reply above, you are trying to "fix" this child and his father, and it's not working. It rarely does work to try to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.
I think you have to figure out why you've taken on this "project" and why you keep it going. Your anger and resentment is telling you something - figure out what it is. I'm going to guess that in your childhood, you had to care for someone - an alcoholic parent, or something of the sort - and it left you feeling like your value is in fixing the problems of others.
You can't fix this if your BF isn't motivated to fix it himself. And he's not - you've dragged him into a different school district when he thought the one failing his son was just fine. You are forcing him into parenting differently, just as his parents took up the slack when he knocked someone up at 17.
You have to understand that things are not going to
Get better. There no magic switch. There no turning this around over night or ever turning it around. Plus you have a DH problem.
The question is . Is this what you want your life to be.? That answer is up to you. You must realize this kid may never leave. Ever. He can be with you forever.
You are indeed insane- for
You are indeed insane- for dating a man with a kid at your age!
I am also 20 going-on-21. And i can't express enough, my biggest mistake in life was marrying into steplife without considering the consequences. I'm sorta stuck since I have a baby now. But you're not there. So PLEASE, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
You are only 21 years old, as
You are only 21 years old, as mature as you may be at your age, you need to seriously consider your current situation and the long term effects of staying. You are giving up your own freedom for other people and the poor choices they made and it sounds like they continue to make. Think about 5-10 years from now if your situation remains the same or gets worse and you have missed out on opportunities in your own life by giving so much of yourself to other people. How will you feel then?