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Who am I?

Chmmy's picture

Submitted by Chmmy on Sat, 04/25/2020 - 12:35pm

I've lost it.  I don't recognize myself anymore.  Two years ago, I was a teacher, a volunteer in my community, a kind person, even a free spirit.  I was a runner, I loved to work out with my friends at the gym.  I loved going out out with friends.  Does this sound like the kind of person who would spit on someone's bedroom door as they walked past?  For the last 2 days I have emptied the dishwasher and left it open as a hint that people can put things in it.  The hint was not taken.  SD21 left for work and again left her shit in the sink, but was kind enough to close the dishwasher.  Over the last 2 days I have had to reopen the dishwasher several times as they do notice enough to close it.  DH put her shit in the dishwasher(I do realize that my problem is not SD it is DH, trust me he has heard plenty and I have looked in to divorce lawyers and he says if I want to leave he will pay for me to stay elsewhere because it is easier to lose your wife and pay her rent than retrain these feral, entitled beasts).  In addition to spitting on SD21s door on my way up(she also left broken eggshells in the fridge to really set me off), yesterday I had to restrain myself from pissing on SD17s clean laundry before DH came home and put it in the dryer.  I literally wanted to piss in a cup and pour it in the washer after the cycle finished so that when put in the dryer the urine would dry into the clothes.  That is not the thoughts of a sane person.  I thought about signing in to steptalk to be talked out of it but I was able to control myself...besides there are a few here who would have encouraged me since they know the background of SD and the laundry stories.  

Anyone else stop recognizing themselves?  I go to bed angry, I wake up angry and I am angry all day.

Comments

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Sat, 04/25/2020 - 12:47pm

Honestly, you should leave this mess and reclaim your life.  You only get one, so why waste it being unhappy?  Leave your DH to the feral brats he has created and move on to bigger and better things.  You're worth making the difficult move.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 04/25/2020 - 1:08pm

Yes, it's time to go. Take DH up on his offer to pay your rent until you can get back to full-time work. Please take care of yourself.

 

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Sat, 04/25/2020 - 1:19pm

Chmmy I get it. I don't feel like myself anymore, the constant anger and disappointment hurts me mostly and my kid as well I'm sure. It also hurts the H who tries his best to make up for the lack of parenting he does with the boys by doing pretty much almost everything household wise (he cooks, mops, cleans, takes out garbage).  I do not think this is me nor how I want to live. I cannot realistically expect H to kick his kids out, they have literally nowhere else to go. It's me who has to go, and I do believe that while a part of it is scary, the other part is just tired of the shoe dropping every time I try to get comfortable.

 

I say if you are at the point of spitting and wanting to pee on laundry take a step back or out or just away from those that suck your good energy out of your life. They aren't worth you compromising who you are. 

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Sat, 04/25/2020 - 1:18pm

((((HUGS)))) I am sorry. ...To answer your question, no, you do not sound like a person who would spit on anyones door. 

 

Being at home because of Covid is making things very difficult. Can you go run??? Is there anywhere you can volunteer?

Please consider hitting your personal reset button.  Look for ways to get OUT to help others. With proper PP.

Let the house go to shit. I am serious. IF she breaks eggs in the fridge,,,do NOT clean it. If the dishes pile up---OH well.

It may drive you crazy ---just walk past and walk away.

 Sooner or later two things will happen...dh will clean it, OR you will call a maid service to come in...HE will pay for it one way or another.

Hang in there..OK? We are here Smile

 

Olivia2020's picture

Submitted by Olivia2020 on Sat, 04/25/2020 - 2:19pm

These dysfunctional relationships are bringing out the side of you that is not your best self. I can relate, in part, based on what you described above. There is a lot of LOVE outside the relationships you're living with right now. Some states will pay 'bridge the gap' alimony to help transition you if you decide to leave/file for divorce. 

When I was living with DH and SD24 just a couple months ago, DH asked me to wash her towels and blanket that were on the floor of the laundry room that SD24 left there. Sure. I washed her things with the toilet/bathroom rug with the soft rubber backing that DH would piss all over & an old outdoor mat full of animal pee...didn't use soap, dried on high heat so her things smelled like rubber and swampy urine. I put these things back on the floor for her to find where she left them. DH came in to fold them and deliver to her in her bedroom, of course. Those towels and blanket smelled awful! 

 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 04/25/2020 - 3:10pm

Time to really look at your life.  Things are not going to change because your problem is your SO.  Not the kids.  If your SO were to actually parent. Thing will not be this way.   That is not going to change,  Just get different.  

Kee-khe's picture

Submitted by Kee-khe on Sat, 04/25/2020 - 5:20pm

I feel you. It definitely sucks to see your life now, compared to years before. How happy we were and how all of sudden life is shit. Oh, if I could only turn back time...

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Sat, 04/25/2020 - 11:05pm

If you are a teacher you should be doing online stuff or something and likely getting paid and being able to support yourself? You don't need this man. Or you aren't currently working? I hope you can get out of this marriage ASAP. It sounds infuriating 

Seamus853's picture

Submitted by Seamus853 on Sun, 04/26/2020 - 1:25am

Haven't had time to be on this board for a while, but am back because I find comfort in it.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry that basically it sounds like the kids and DH's lack of parenting are driving you to the brink of divorce. I seriously believe that a dad's guilt over divorce has a lot to do with the way he fawns over them and practically basks in their gross behavior. It is an authentic and big problem that seems to be repeated over and over throughout the board.  I see it in my own situation.

I think that you (and I'm talking to myself, too LOL) need to think whether  being married to him is worth having to live with all the baggage that he has. 

It is sad that if their were no kids involved that things could have been so different ...

Mandy45's picture

Submitted by Mandy45 on Mon, 04/27/2020 - 1:04am

When it get to that point it time to leave cut your losses. Let them have there shitty little family. Go do your own thing live your life And be happy. That the best revenge you can have. 

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Mon, 04/27/2020 - 11:47am

When you're spitting on doors and dreaming of pouring pee onto laundry, it is long passed time to go, love.  No man, absolutely NO MAN, is worth losing yourself over.  Hugs.