COVID complications and “She married into this”
So, DH and BM have always had a pretty good co-parenting relationship with 50-50 custody of SS9. No child support involved.
Well, the pandemic is creating all sorts of ripple effect problems for everyone. In this case, it's child care. The day care center SS goes to in the summer isn't opening until August -- same with most daycares around here.
BM told DH that her job won't allow her to take FMLA and she can't take every other week off. Her parents are in their 60s so she said they can't take him that much. They're retired and he spends a couple of nights with her every week he's with her already but okay.
DH's job is more flexible but he's about to get a new boss so taking time off is tricky. If he just takes off for the summer (he has enough saved time off), he may not have a job at the end and would have no more time off. FMLA wouldn't pay as much as he usually makes.
She hasn't made any offer to help or compromise. According to DH, she made comments about what I need to do or that my parents (who still work, live in another town and barely know SS) should help.
Apparently she sees my marrying in as a way for her to avoid inconvenience and responsibility. Personally, I think she should find a babysitter or day care or something on her weeks or they figure something out together for the whole summer.
DH is big on "family is the most important thing" and will get worked up about BM putting her job first. But he'll also get annoyed with me for not making all sorts of concessions with mine, even though I'm in a brand new job that doesn't have much flexibility.
But the implication that I should be responsible chafes - big time. BM is a lawyer. DH says she'd be a major PITA about it.
this is not my responsibility. Do I care? Will I help if I can? Sure. But this is on them. I married in knowingly but that still doesn't mean I'm responsible for SS. Ugh.
Not your kid, not your
Not your kid, not your problem. Don't let them force you into caring for their kid. I suggest you make this clear now, before they start taking major advantage of you.
It sounds like you are going
It sounds like you are going to have to make things pretty clear- and up front that you watching SS is not an option. Remove that from their heads now- the same for your parents.
Seriously, why would BM think
Seriously, why would BM think that YOUR parents have anything to do with SS and childcare?
This is definitely something for BM and your DH to figure out. It's not your parents' responsibility and it's not your responsibility.
If she’s a lawyer she can
If she’s a lawyer she can afford childcare.
She may be used to people ‘rolling over’ all the time (these people may wrongly believe they gave have gone for the easy life).
like you said, your job doesn’t offer much flexibility...
^^^Exactly This^^^
DHsfamilyfromhell is right.
Your choice is to either draw a hard boundary, or come up with a pretext that rules you out as an option.
I think your work should suddenly become VERY inflexible.
Absolutely NOT! What an effin
Absolutely NOT! What an effin' cheek she has! This is not your problem in any way. THis is entirely up t your husband and his ex to sort out and, if it were me, personally, I would do as you suggest and find a nanny or a minder. As for the idea that your parents should step up?! Good grief! Tell her to stop the first person she meets on the street and ask them if they'll keep her kids for her. After all, they'd have the same inherent level of responsibility as your parents, wouldn't they?
As for her being a PITA ... block her number on all levels. You shouldn't have to talk to her anyway. Let your husband deal with her.
I never deal with her. DH
I never deal with her. DH handles all communication. I see her at baseball games or SS's birthday parties and that's it. Minimal contact. We've never had an issue before.
Last night, DH seemed to be suggesting she could try to force us/me to take on more through legal stuff but I actually doubt she'd do that. I don't care for her, but she's never struck me as that unreasonable -- just kind of self-centered and narrow-minded. And DH has a history of catastrophizing and overreacting...
" she could try to force us
" she could try to force us/me to take on more through legal stuff "
Lol! What a hoot! Here's why:
She really does have a brass neck, doesn't she? I like the other poster's idea of offering cash payment to one of the employees at her usual daycare. It's so logical - win-win for everyone.
PS - tell your DH to calm down and breathe ...
I'm sure she could try, but I
I'm sure she could try, but I doubt she would have legal grounds to force you to take the kid.
It's not your responsibility as a stepmother to care for the child and your DH is still managing his 50% of the time. That seems like an empty threat at best.
I seriously wonder what all these BMs would do if they didn't have an ex husband to try to push all their parenting responsibilities on to. Divorce is the best thing that happened to many of these women because they now have a scapegoat for all their problems.
I can't imagine there's a
I can't imagine there's a judge in the world who'd order a stepmother to leave her job so she can look after her husband's child on his ex-wife's time... especially when there are other solutions.
And if there was a Judge who
And if there was a Judge who would order that, no one with at least a single functioning brain cell would comply.
smh
If she's a lawyer, she'd
If she's a lawyer, she'd probably be a major PITA if the skid ended up with a bruise when you had him, too.
Nope. Everyone has to make child care arrangements during this pandemic, and you don't have to be it. Her parents aren't elderly in their 60's, they can watch the kid. Or she can work remotely like most attorneys are.
She insists her job won't
She insists her job won't allow her to work remotely. True? No idea.
And her parents keep him a couple of nights every week he's with her already -- and usually took him or picked him up from daycare in the summer already. I have a hard time believing they wouldn't/couldn't help.
i think they both just need to calm down and work out a plan. There are options that don't involve job loss.
What Gimlet Said
They should be seeking a solution now! I bet some of the workers at SS daycare might appreciate an interim all cash gig, why not start there. I agree it is not your responsibility nor your parents to take time off to watch SS. It would be different if you or they offered but that isn't the case. I am still working and I would think hard before committing to watching a grandchild for an extended period of time.
Sigh. Keep it simple. Care
Sigh. Keep it simple. Care and feeding of the Skid on BM's time is BM's problem. DH and you need to make it abundently clear that this is BM's problem and BM's problem alone to solve. She does not get to dictate that you or DH will jeopardize your respective careers for her problem.
You and DH figure out the situation on your end. BM can figure it out on hers. And.. you quiting or jeopardizing your new job for SKid care purposes should not even be a remote consideration.
IMHO of course.
Thanks, y'all. I agree.
Thanks, y'all. I agree.
I can't be certain exactly what BM said because DH was worked up when he told me and he often misinterprets/overreacts/misrepresents when he's like that. So who knows what she specifically said.
Ultimately, I think a big part of the problem is DH's expectations and beliefs about stepparents. It's like he expects me to love SS as my own. I don't. I don't see any reason why I should.
Or he gets hypersensitive if I don't show enough concern for SS. For instance, we were talking about moving. If he's in one of his moods and I rattle off some things I'd want a new house to have without mentioning a flat yard SS can play in, he gets annoyed or hurt. Likes to play the "I'm the only one who cares and puts him first" card. Passive-aggressive, guilt-trip stuff.
He's got his own issues, I know. He never really attached to his adoptive parents and he was given up by his bio parents at birth and then again a year ago (after a year of bonding). So I know a lot of this is projection.
i just don't know how to state my position without coming across as the selfish, unfeeling you-know-what who doesn't care about a young kid I agreed to stepparent.
You state your position by
You state your position by saying that his expectation for what a stepparent is and does are unrealistic. There is no rule book here, and each stepparent gets to decide for him or herself what their role will be. Some are hands-on and others are not. When the SM has her own kids, it's a little harder to disengage from parenting and just parent your own kids - but you don't have your own kids, so it's really clear - "parenting" is DH's responsibility, and if he can't, then it's BM's, but it is NEVER yours. You may help here and there IF YOU WANT, but there is no law that says stepparents have to function as equal parents.
My DH has one son, and when he was younger, DH was the only parent in our home. SS and I got along fine, but I was like the "fun aunt" kind of figure, not a parent.
Unfortunately, too many men get remarried expecting the new wife to take over parenting.
Personally, I'd add 25% to my
Personally, I'd add 25% to my current salary and tell DH & BM that would be my fee nd I have weekends off. If they are going to treat you like the nanny, you should be paid.
All birth parents want there SO
Do thing the bio parents will not do. With that why we divorce. He a loser ect.
But bio father will get all the love.
All birth parents want there SO
Do thing the bio parents will not do. With that why we divorce. He a loser or better, what do you expect me to do ect.
But bio father will get all the love.
If they have a CO that says
If they have a CO that says she has custody 50% of the time, then it's on her to work that out with her job.
She is likely not the only one at her job who is struggling with childcare, but that doesn't mean she can just punt it off to you. She needs to ask around to see what other people are doing, but it's not the stepmothers job to pick up when the mother wants a break or can't figure things out. If your DH is also working, then the two of them are in the same boat and they need to put in equal effort to manage their 50/50 custody arrangement.
In our case, BM has full custody, which she insisted upon and now she's losing her mind that she has to "care for the children 24/7" while working at home. The children are teens. They don't need to be cared for. DH is not currently working, but the kids would be bored and annoying at our house and he won't take responsibility, so I'm not interested in having them here. BM is the custodial parent, we pay child support, and from the beginning she was responsible for "all childcare". She also treats DH like crap and spent a whole year trying to reduce his visitation, so why should DH be motivated to help her out at all.
"Sure, BM, we'll take SS full
"Sure, BM, we'll take SS full-time this summer. The CS calculator says you'd owe $700 a month plus half of child care. I'll go ahead and draw up that agreement and we can sign it together.
Oh, you thought my DW was available? Sorry, no. That's not her responsibility, and additionally, she has a job. Her PARENTS?! Absolutely not. They work, too, and can't handle DS any better than your parents can. Plus, neither you or I are in any position to ask them to babysit, much less without compensation.
Of course I'm going to hire someone to watch DS. DW and I both work. Someone has to watch him. And a babysitter won't do full-time during the week for less than $500 a week. So $1700 a month from you, we'll do EOWE visitation from Friday night to Monday morning?"
And response other than that that isn't just "no" is problematic. If BM needs a babysitter, she can hire one.
Rent a summer home and leave
Rent a summer home and leave kinda early.
???
This is their concern, not yours. Who cares if she is a lawyer or a greeter at The Walmart.
Love your dh's-- FAMILY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING....lol, go live with bm then problem with daycare solved.
You have to decide if your going to cave in OR stand your ground.
Dont be a doormate to them...yes, THEM. They want free camp on YOUR time. NOPE NOPE NOPE
In my mid 30's I might feeeeeel like I had to.
Now at my age screw that. lol
Rent a summer home at the beach on Dh dime.
It’s BM trying to be controlling your home
Your life, and the life of your parents. She gets to decide what everybody has to do. On her time you or ypirnparents get to take care of SK. Once again just say NO. Not hoing yo do this.
I am not sure what state you are in
But in most states Lawyers are non-essential employees and are working from home. Not to say that is the issue you were talking about but I am surprised it is an issue at all. She wouldn't be meeting with clients and she would be able to have her appointments via computer.
With that said it is not your issue at all as others have said. And as I have said on many other posts I am not a fan of visitation at all during the pandemic. I think kids need to stay in one home until it is over.