Something nice
So I see a lot on here about you guys having the step children from hell. So this is for those of you who need it I guess.
Being a step parent is difficult if the step child is older. It's easier when they're younger.
My SD is only 5, nearly 6. Her dad and I had been friends for 7 years before we finally got together. He and I got together in 2018. Now we're married, have a 1 year old daughter and another baby on the way.
But my SD is wonderful. She's smart, silly, creative, funny but what I'm most proud of is how much of an amazing big sister she is to my daughter.
If you're there when they're young, be involved. Don't let anyone shut you out. I used to dislike my SD. I was in love with her dad long before he met SD mother. It broke my heart when they had her. But I was his friend, and as long he was happy, that's all that mattered.
But now I'm the one making him happy, not his ex. I never thought SD and I would get along. But 2 years later, and I love her like she's my own. She is an amazing little girl. Of course she has her moments, and yes I may not be her parent, but I'm here to help. So whether or not people think I cross a line or not is up to them. But I will do my best to help raise this little girl. She deserves better. She deserves a good life. BM has already moaned at me for mothering SD (I brushed her hair often, made her dinner, stuff like that while we were at their house). I did everything I could to make sure my SD doesn't see me as the evil step mother. Sadly, I think all my hard work gets undone the minute BM gets involved again.
Basically, have a relationship with your step children. Even if they're little monsters. Try to get past that wall they build against you. Let them know that just because you're involved, doesn't mean their parent you're with loves them any less. Be a friend, or be an ear, be a shoulder to cry on. Because I've been told that the greatest part about being a step parent is when your step children come to you for help, rather than their parents. And I can tell you it's true. My SD has only come to me for little things, but she could have easily gone to her dad, my husband, or her mum. But she came to me. And it made me so happy.
Don't give up. These kids need us. Good luck.
Well isn't that special. It
Well isn't that special. It is great that you have such a wonderful relationship with your SKs. No one here denies that that is possible. However, keep in mind you are very early into the relationship--2 years with a young'n? That falls into the novice category. You might want to read some of these forums a little more too, especially the ones about what can happen during the teen years. Might give you some good ideas for coping in the future. Nothing wrong with posting something nice. Something wrong with gloating, but I'm not saying you are doing that.
But, maybe you are. Now that I take another read, you say, "She deserves better. She deserves a good life." Of course any SK does. No one here feels otherwise. Do you think we feel our SKs don't deserve better or a good life? You also say, "Basically have a relationship with your step children." Do you think that every one of us here hasn't tried that at least twice and maybe a thousand times?
Am I correct that you coveted her father while he was still married to or heavily involved with BM? "I was in love with her dad long before he met SD mother. It broke my heart when they had her." This may rear its ugly head later.
Also, this won’t be up to either you or your SD, “I did everything I could to make sure my SD doesn't see me as the evil step mother.” It will be up to BM, first and foremost, and your DH. Again, you are only what, about 2 yrs. in? My goodness. I thought I got along pretty decent with my SKs for 10+ years, then all h- broke lose. “Try to get past that wall they build against you. Let them know that. . . ” Being a well-experienced SM, I’m would tell any SM that it is not the SK you need to worry about. It is BM and your own DH. Manipulative, controlling BM and weaker, enabling DH = step hell.
But, keep up the naiveite. BM will be able to use that to her advantage. As the years go by, just remember to follow your own mantra, “Don’t give up.” Burn that into your soul and eat it for breakfast every am. And it may get you though the teen years with your SK, the adult years, and the rest of your life.
Again, thank you for "something nice."
That's sweet. I'm glad that
That's sweet. I'm glad that being a step-mom hasn't been awful for you. I sincerely hope that it continues to be a positive and tolerable part of your life. I felt that way at first. My SO has full custody of SD9. She was easy to love when she was four. Once she got to nine, things drastically changed. I'm hoping that she becomes more likable and easier to deal with as time goes on, but based on her BM's genes, I'm not counting on it. Good luck to you though!
Being a step parent is
Being a step parent is difficult if the step child is older. It's easier when they're younger.
It's easier while they're younger. My SD was great when she was a kid, when she became a teenager, things went downhill.
I hope things stay great with your young SD, as she gets older. I hope BM doesn't turn her against you and her dad, but be prepared to get your heart broken. Just in case.
Those of us who have the
Those of us who have the misfortune to have BMs in our lives who engage in an extreme form of PAS, as the mother of my SDs did - there is absolutely no way you can "get past that wall" as you say. In the very good book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin - she describes how to have a relationship with your step child - the biological parents need to "give permission" for this to happen. Obviously this is implicit, not overt. NPD BM did not only not give permission - she taught her daughters from the ages of 5 and 7 to hate and distrust me. She told them vile things about me, and also about their father. It is only in the last year or so (they are now 23, 25) that I see glimmers that they have started to see the real me - not the grotesque monster that NPD BM painted me to be.
So please don't tell me to be a friend to my SDs - I would have loved that, had it been possible. It just wasn't and I was totally powerless to make it happen. It's happened for you and I'm happy for you - but telling the rest of us it can happen if we try hard enough is naive and insulting.
Right
All I was trying to do was give hope to new step parents. You didn't have to comment if you don't like it.
New step parents don't need
That's OK, but new step parents don't need hope, pretty much any more than newlyweds do. It is the honeymoon years. It is the later years where "suck it up and take it" starts to take its toll.
BM
BM for us is a real piece of shit. At the beginning of my relationship she got one of her friends to message me saying they'd slept with my boyfriend, we found that out when she slipped up. BM constantly said that we shouldn't be having a baby. She was pathetic, jealous and controlling. So like hell has it been easy.
We fought to get to this point. We worked at it. And saying this is novice is crazy talk because I've worked hard to keep this family together and make sure my husband has a good relationship with his daughter.
Yes she's only 5. Nearly 6. Yes things are easier while they're younger. And I understand that things can change. But I'm going to do everything I can to make sure SD and I have a good relationship. I've read probably hundreds of posts about people having bad relationships with their step children, so I made this post to give new step parents hope. So they know that it doesn't have to be that way.
If you have a bad relationship with your step kids, fine whatever. Go complain about it more. Heck I might do the same thing in a decade.
But for right now, I'm finally in a good place. After being told I've got depression at 16, to nearly committing suicide the same year, the constant abuse I got from my mum. I'm determined to do better for my daughter, my step daughter and my unborn child.
I don't think you're getting
I don't think you're getting it. You can be as determined as you want. The kind of LONG-TERM relationship you have with your SD will mostly be determined by circumstances outside of your control. Now you could wind up have a good relationship with your SD or not. Either way, it will have way more to do with BM and DH than either you or SD.
Of course someone two years in is a novice. Someone who has played baseball for 10 years or so is going to know a heck of a lot more about the realities of baseball, and how to play the game, than someone who has only been playing for two years. That goes without saying. This is just one example. When it comes to pretty much anything, 99% of the people out there would take someone with 10+ or even 5 years of experience over that of someone with only 2.
Look, I'm not saying you didn't work hard. I'm pretty sure you did, as we all did. I'm just saying don't go around acting like you have it all figured out after only 2 years. That's pretty much akin to a medical student thinking s/he has it all figured out only after being a resident for 2 years. You've got a ways to go, and again, in all earnest, good luck to you.
My skids were way easier at 5
My skids were way easier at 5 than they are now, and they haven’t even hit the teen years yet.
I hope your relationship with your SD stays the course it’s on now long-term, but you said it yourself, it’s easier when they’re younger. At 5 years old, your SD is barely out of her toddler years. If BM is high conflict & already moaning about you doing things like brushing SD’s hair, chances are high that once SD gets old enough to be influenced by loyalty binds you’re going to see a change, and no amount of loving her is going to change that.
You’re still a new SM yourself. You’re getting flack because a lot of posters here have been SM’s for decades and have been through & seen it all. I’m sure you didn’t mean to come across as condescending and as if you’ve got it all figured out, but that’s how it how it sounded.
I do hope you get to continue enjoying your SD as she gets older, but with a HCBM, time will tell. If loving them as our own was all it took none of us would be here.
Please come back and tell us
Please come back and tell us how you feel 5 years from now. I had a great relationship with my step daughter when she was younger for several years. However when she got older things changed. It didn't matter how nice I was to her. There are some things you just can't control.
It probably is easier when
It probably is easier when they are younger. I wouldn't know, since I came onto the scene when my skids were already 12 and 14 and had a slew of behaviors and troubling issues I could do nothing about. I'm not saying that to negate your experience or to sound all "poor me" about it, but rather to demonstrate that children are a product of their upbringing. By their parents. And as much as we would like to "fix" it, we can't. As much as we care and want to see them doing better, it's not really up to us.
You mentioned that BM is a nuisance. As your SD grows older, you will likely feel that influence more in your household when she is there. You do have the good fortune of getting into her life early on and building a relationship, but a child's allegiance will typically fall to their actual parent. It's a strange thing about human nature. Even if a parent sucks, the child still has an innate desire to have a relationship with them and please them. I had a great relationship with my stepdad as a teenager. I loved him dearly. But the damage that had been done by my real father was already done--my stepdad was a great man--but still not a replacement for the love and affection I wanted from my birth father--love and affection that I couldn't have. These are still things I struggle with as a thirty something adult.
I'm very happy that you have this opportunity to love and care for this child like your own. I hope that it remains that way and I hope that if one day it isn't that way anymore, that it doesn't hurt you too deeply. Just remember that if push comes to shove, she will most likely choose her mom. All I'm saying is try not to set yourself up to get let down too terribly, that's all. Take care and I do truly wish the best for you.
It is rare that people want
It is rare that people want to be preached at in life. If you had written your post without telling us all that we should just love our step kids more to fix our issues then people would have responded better.
If you have read lots of this site as you claim then you will know that people come here to write about or seek help with their own experiences and often that is negative aspects of it. Sometimes people post positive experiences and on the whole we all rally round and enjoy hearing tha tthings can go right sometimes, so it is not that we hate on every positive post.
Your seems to be telling a group of people that they just need to love a little harder and that everything will be ok. But that is not how life works. The situations of most are more complex than that, and no-one should have to continue to throw more of themselves into a situation that can be dangerous for their mental, physical and financial health. The people on this site are also in a diverse range of step situations. One solution (love the kids more) is not going to fix things for everyone. Most of the time it is not loving the kids enough that is the issue, it is the adult relaitonships that are the cause of the problems. As a society we are bad at realtionships, that is why divorce rates are high.
How cute, you sound like I
How cute, you sound like I did when joining this site years ago-until the group helped me knock my rose-colored glasses off. Hang on child, you're in for a wild one :) Enjoy your 'nice' time.
It's might early in your
It's might early in your StepParenting career for the self-congratulating. Especially to a crowd that includes many with decades more experience than you, spent more $$ than you, financed numerous court battles and lost, and spent years/decades eating the sh*t sandwiches served by narcissist psycho BMs who never quit PASing the skids to hate your guts (in spite of allllll you've done out of genuine love and doing-the-right-thing).
Good luck. We'll still be here.
IMHO what you did not say
IMHO what you did not say speaks far more loudly than what you did say. And that is, your DH is a quality spouse and a quality parent rather than the usual spineless Skid worshipping toxic spawn coddling idiots that show up as the primary format of spouse for many SParents.
Either that, or you are delusional.
I firmly hope it is the former rather than the later.