Well I finally lost it!!
So update SD age 13 was prancing around the house today with the booty shorts, a see through white tank top and no bra!!!!, with her mid drift completely exposed. My 13 year old BS had too see it which is so inappropriate!!! After SO and I were alone I put my foot down and told him she is not to come out of her room unless she is covered. I have a teenage son, he has teenage friends, I have adult friends who come over who dont want to see that it will make them and thier husbands uncomfortable. He needs to put his foot down. Again, I get the what am I supposed to do, cant you do something. I said "NO" she has already made it abundantly clear she doesnt give a damn what I think, because her BM will back her. You are the parent, so start parenting. Tell her to get in her room, drag her to her room, tell her you will turn her phone off, from now on you will only buy her oversized sweatshirts and sweatpants to wear since she cant seem to wear the regular clothes she is bought appropriately. From where I stand there is whole hell of lot you can do!!!.
So currently he has been sitting in his man room pouting.
Man I feel your pain! And my
Man I feel your pain! And my SD is 9! She cuts up her legging and shorts to make them shorter, wears them so far up her butt its GOT to be uncomfortable AND her butt crack hangs out the top. She says it's to be comfortable too... yeah ok.
Just tonight she was talking to her dad about how BM finally agreed to let her wear belly shirts and how shes just the coolest mom ever. This was just a stab at me for the fight that ensued over the weekend of course, since any other time she would be telling us how much of a witch BM is and she wishes she wasn't her mom, but SO was NOT having it. He told her that she wont be dressing like that at our house. He doesnt care what BM says. Of course everyone at BMs doesnt and will not allow it either, it was just a "my moms so great" story. But the fact he put his foot down made me beam.
Supposedly it's all for that tik tok bs all the kids are doing. Which makes it an even bigger NOPE. DH definitely should be doing something. In my experience what SM says goes in one ear and out the other. HE has to put his foot down. If hes anything like my SO it will be few and far between yet effective when it does happen!
9 years old and She cuts up
9 years old and She cuts up her clothes to make them shorter! WTH!
my D's is 9 and if she did this...... oh man.
I'm telling you! I dont have
I'm telling you! I dont have children of my own yet but I can tell you it wouldn't fly. Not just with me but the rest of my family as well. Its disgusting at any age, let alone during adolescence. Yet she still wants to sleep between myself and her father dressed like that. What finally got him on board with her sleeping in her own bed was me pointing that fact out. A grown woman sleeping in your bed like that would mean what? I dont even sleep like that. Sleeping next to your own daughter like that? Suspicious to me. After that, her own bed. Every night.
Gross
Gross
YSD 11 has started copying
YSD 11 has started copying OSD, I was able to sit and talk with her and she was at least reasonable. I explained to her that 11 year old boys are not looking at girls her age that way. Older boys are not interested in 11 year old girls, they are staring at the HS girls. The only one looking at an 11 year old girl dressed in that manner is a pedophile. Also, does she really want her SB seeing her exposed. She stopped. Unfortunately, OSD doesn't listen to reason, she is very developed for her age, tall and looks much older than her age. When I tried to explain to her that she was going to attract older, more pushy men, who could potentially try to violate her she scoffed in my face. She knows I worked for years with child sexual assault victims and know how common it is for older adolescents or young men to become sexually aggressive because thier brains aren't fully developed either. It doesnt make it right, but I cant change the way it is.
Thank goodness one will
Thank goodness one will atleast listen to reason. I hate to say it but the other will learn, even if it's the hard way. If her parents dont step up then the only other option is real life experience. IF that even works. If it were me I'd focus energy on the one that actual hears you and to hell with the other. If it gets too bad consider leaving her at her moms to save the BS from exposure. On the plus side, my brother and I witnessed that with out older sister and it made us want to be different. Maybe that will be the case.
Either way, you're doing what you can and you're doing great! You cant save them all. Eventually the light will be seen by someone
OSD definitely pushes the
OSD definitely pushes the limits on social media. She posted a snap of herself showering, then tried to justify her behavior because her private areas weren't exposed.
How did your DuH react to
How did your DuH react to that?!
He lost his mind on that one
He lost his mind on that one and let her have it.
I hope he blocked her access
I hope he blocked her access to all social media too because she can't be trusted to behave responsibly.
Nope, he turned her phone off
Nope, he turned her phone off, BM bought her a prepaid one.
Your DH is the issue here.
Your DH is the issue here. How can you love and respect a man who is afraid of his own children and wants you to take over his parenting? He'd rather see her behave inappropriately than risk Precious being mad at him.
Well as far as OP has
Well as far as OP has mentioned, her DH has at least attempted to correct his kid. It hasn't been effective, and perhaps he could be doing much more, but compared to other DHs Ive read about, it's something. The real problem here is the BM. She throws away any attempt to teach the girl to behave her age and justifies her inappropriate behavior.
Nope. In DH's house, the
Nope. In DH's house, the problem is DH. He controls what clothes SD has access to. He controls what social media and phones she has access to. He controls what she wears outside her room. He has FULL control on that, and doesn't exercise it.
He also has the ability to sit down with his daughter and talk to her about her behavior and his concerns. He has the ability to take her to a therapist on his time. He has the ability to learn how to parent through these issues with a teen girl. He has the ability to seek help from his wife who seems to be able to do these things with her son.
So, while BM may be A problem, she isn't THE problem. Not in OP's house, anyway.
Well that's true, like I said
Well that's true, like I said, DH Should be doing more, MUCH more. I don't know how the parents didn't nip that in the bud.
I wouldn't be surprised if this girl ends up pregnant soon. OP, I suggest you disengage. Perhaps when the quarantine is over you can take your kid out with you while SD is over and arrive while she's asleep, or set boundaries in your home to where SD doesn't come over unless she agrees to dress appropriately. (Check the clothes she brings over upon pick up, confiscate whatever's inappropriate and return at drop off) or simply have DH handle visitation away from home until he decides to be a dad and cut the shit.
It's true, SO feels helpless,
It's true, SO feels helpless, like he is fighting a losing battle. This has gone on since the girls were born. I empathize with his frustration. But, he still needs to do what he can in our home, where he does have a level of control.
Correct. He needs to stop
Correct. He needs to stop being afraid of BM and feeling that learned helplessness and do something. He could easily clean out all of her inappropriate clothes and lock them away somewhere, not to be worn at his house. Will she eventually start refusing to come over? Yep. But at least he can say he tried to be a parent to her instead of letting her and BM have all the power.
YAY!!! Good for you!!!!
YAY!!! Good for you!!!!
She is looking for sexual attention from your son and any other teen/man that comes into your home. You have to stop her behavior one way or another.
When the quarentine is over
When the quarentine is over my BFF, her husband and thier kids and our family get together every weekend. I have told SO that if SD prances around in front of BFFs husband like that she will be furious and refuse to be around when SD is here. I know this because when her neice tried it at the same age she banned her from her home unless she dressed and behaved appropriately. Which is not fair to YSD that he is allowing OSD to act this way, because YSD and BFFs son are good friends and do everything together.
I'd personally refuse to have
I'd personally refuse to have OSD there if she wasn't dressed appropriately. You may not be able to control what DH does or she does, but you can set your own boundaries. Not sure where the get-together is, but if it's at your friend's house, then DH can stay home with OSD if he can't make her dress appropriately.
Actually ... OP might even
Actually ... OP might even take that one step further and tell her DuH that OSD can no longer come to her home if she can't dress appropriately. That might actually light a fire under him to actually do something effective about this.
Thanks, it actually gives me
Thanks, it actually gives me the idea that if SO does what he should and lays down the law and she still continues to buck him, I will tell her to pack her things she can stay at her grandparents from now on. She won't like that at all, I love SOs parents they do not put up with her nonsense.
I would ask him flat out
I would ask him flat out what he is going to do when he walks in on BS and SD having sex. She is asking for it- sorry, not trying to dress shame women here but there is something to be said for keeping your nipples covered and not wearing sheer tops and no bras. She IS ASKING for sexual attention.
You have 2 hormonal teens and one begging for attention, something is going to happen.
I agree with most posters in
I agree with most posters in that SD should be taught/parented to dress respectfully of herself and others, and OP's son should be protected as well. But OP, you matter too. If you feel uncomfortable in your own home due to having to look at a half-naked young teen, that's reason enough to say something. You shouldn't have to look at that every day if you don't want to, and don't feel guilty about that.
Again, I get the what am I
Again, I get the what am I supposed to do, cant you do something.
I am just flabbergasted that he doesn't know what to do about this and expects you to handle it. I mean, if it were me, I would take matters into my own hands, but you shouldn't have to. He is her dad for Pete's sake.
I am also amazed (not in a good way) by daughters who don't mind showing all to their own fathers. It is absolutely disgusting.
I have asked myself the same
I have asked myself the same thing, I couldn't imagine parading in front of my father or brothers that way. I even asked my neice and she agreed with me it would be awkward and uncomfortable.
Yep. Ick. It's on the parents
Yep. Ick. It's on the parents to set the tone of their relationship. "Put some more clothes on." That can be the complete discussion.
Apparently this girl says NO,
Apparently this girl says NO, and DH says, "I don't know what else to do." *eye roll*
Barf.
Barf.
Thread title:
Thread title:
BMs and perfect step mommies unite.
Or "stepmommies who call
Or "stepmommies who call their skids names and blame them for parenting fails."
Are you lost? Because you’re
Are you lost? Because you’re in the wrong place if you think we bash step-moms here.
Are you addressing me? Lol
Are you addressing me? Lol sorry couldn't tell. Because I'm not bashing step moms, my comment was sarcastic.
Are you addressing me? Lol
Yes, I’m addressing you.
Oftentimes tone doesn’t translate well. And, well, based on the shade you’re attempting to throw around in this thread with your “all the eye rolls” replies to several members, it’s hard to decipher the intent of your comment.
Coming in hot with referring to a 13-year-old as “slutty” isn’t a good look, also.
Lol, if anything, I actually
Lol, if anything, I actually support OP. She as a step mom in her own home has the right to be uncomfortable with a teenager who likes to dance around naked, in from of her son, and she has the full right to even keep her out of her home until she realizes she's being disrespectful to those around her.
I think you missed where other commenters where "all in" for this thirteen yearold's actions because it is "her choice". You've got the wrong person if you think I am the one "bashing" step moms lol. It's the entitle BMs you should say something to if that's the deal.
Absolutely no one said the
Absolutely no one said the kid was fine because it was her choice. Not one person. They said that it was offensive to call a child a slut and that it was the father's fault for not parenting her.
And no, a stepparent does not have the right to just insist that her stepchild no longer comes to her home because she doesn't like how the child dresses, sorry.
No, she was implying that
No, she was implying that those of us who don't call children sluts are "perfect stepmommies" or BMs.
Yes SD frustrates me, but if
Yes SD frustrates me, but if I didnt care, I wouldn't care and would just be able to go about my day without even a second thought about her. She is just a child and seeing her be so sexualized, disturbs me deeply as it does her father. She is too young and naive to be acting so grown. As much as I want to protect my DS innocence, I want to protect her to from having hers taken away. You have your whole life to find out what a bad place the world can be. Its important to protect our children from that as long as we can
Here's what you need to
Here's what you need to rectify, because none of us know your SO:
If he is THAT deeply disturbed, why has he done NOTHING to curb it?
She isn't even your daughter and you've had a heart-to-heart, you've talked to your SO, you've sought advice here. You're clearly educated on the subject, and have put enough thought into this.
So, if deep disturbance motivates you to action, why isn't it motivating her dad, the man who is actually responsible for her? Is he ACTUALLY that disturbed, or only upset because you're upset?
In my approximation, your SO is not acting like a parent disturbed. He's acting like a parent who wants to placate. Placate you, placate SD, placate BM. That's not good enough. That puts your SD in danger. That leads to her growing up with some potentially twisted ideas about who and what she is.
Really look at your SO through the lens you would if your best friend were the one who told you this and it was her husband that was responding that way. What would you do? What would you say?
Then take your own advice to handle this.
Good luck.
Thanks, he did address it
Thanks, he did address it today. Now its keeping him consistent. I told him the next time I can just have my son run around the house in a just a Jock strap and eat dinner dressed that way, not appropriate is it? Is that something he wants his young girls seeing, it's the same thing.
You did well. Best of luck to
You did well. Best of luck to you!
Is this the SD who most
Is this the SD who most likely has a personality disorder, according to her counselor? That is what really needs to be addressed. I think your SO is in denial about how serious the issue is (or might be), it's not just about how she dresses.
ETA: There are several mental illnesses and disorders that have sexual components. That's what I mean about it not just being about her attire. The girl needs help.
Yes, the counselor says she
Yes, the counselor says she has signs of onset. He is definitely in denial his worst fear is that she becomes like her BM. But what he doesn't understand is if he parents her, he can help prevent her from making a lot of the same bad decisions BM made when she was young and his DD is in therapy, BM never was and that's how he can help her. Besides I had a suspicion which I saw today. There is a part of her acting out to get his attention. Yes she did argue with him today, but when he refused to back down to her, she almost had this sense of calm come over her. I really believe she wants him to show he cares enough to not let her behave the way she does and she ramps up her behavior because she is not getting the reaction from him she wants. Her BM has always treated her like an adult, and she is not mentally or emotionally mature enough for that responsibility.
Be sure you tell your husband
Be sure you tell your husband this!!
I agree, let your husband
I agree, let your husband know about the reaction that you noticed in her and give him incentive to be consistent. It won't be easy, she is going to push back, just to see how far she can go...and to see how far he will go.
I also agree with you that she wants reassurance that he gives a crap. That he loves her enough to be the dad, give her structure and rules, and let her be the kid. If BM has given her adult status, she may need "permission" to be a kid. That permission comes in the form of your SO taking the reins and being the parent.