Issssssa trap! I'd play like I didn't know what he was talking about and act coy, change the topic. 

In lay terms he means "When did you stop being me and BM's whipping boy and stand up for yourself?"

Another chance after being treated so horribly, disrespectfully by them when it was so unwarranted, they just did it to put me in my place, i remind my husband that i have no biological relationship to them whatsoever, any relationship we forge is based on mutual feelings and intentions to build a relationship, it cannot be 1 sided. 

But when you have been routinely treated like dog shit by them, hubby refuses to call them out on shitty behaviour as it happens because “he wants no drama” so basically throws me under a bus to suck it up this shitty treatment, then i simply have no intentions of being around them or ever pursuing a relationship

to use our 2 kids as their half siblings as a reason to maintain a relationship, my 2 kids do not recognise them whatsoever if you show them their pics they say they don’t know who that is. My daughter and son didn’t know they had half sisters until they met for the first time at 2.5 & 1.5 yrs old.

even ss who lived at our marital home till my daughter was 3.5 and son 2.5 doesn’t recognise ss as their brother. He is a stranger.

its stupidity to guilt a stepparent to give them another chance or its for the sake of maintaining good relations. You can’t maintain or sustain a relationship with such dysfunctional people

"When it became clear you were not going to let us develop a natural and appropriate adult-child relationship."

Why didn't you ask him why he gave up on SD?  I mean you would not have had to disengage if he would have parented her in way that didn't cause you to disengage.  You didn't give up on anything, its just another way to blame you for the situation and cause guilt in you to change back.  Gaslighting at its finest.  Don't fall for it.  

he refused to address the issues so stop excusing sd’s. When he plays the whole “oh my poor daughters bio mum has abandoned them so we should give them another chance and take them on holiday” i call bullshit on it always. I’ve told him i will not go on a holiday with skids because we have no relationship and why would i go on a holiday with strangers??

so stop acting like sd’s are innocent and i should feel sorry because no one feels sorry for people who openly treat others like shit!!

i’m very direct with my husband about this and just tell it like it is.

oh yeah, I wouldn't answer this directly.  DH has been brining up SDs lately and since we've been stuck at home, we've been clashing a little.  Basically I'm sick of messes and YSD just leaving all her dirty dishes around for someone else to do.  At least they are in the kitchen!  But she doesn't clean up the counter or her place at the counter/table either.  Nor does she have any chores whatsoever.  Not even bring in the mail or unload the dishwasher.

DH threw in my face last night that because I had strict parents doesn't mean I can be authortarian with YSD.  And the best thing about this?  HE brought it up, I had said NOTHING - he was going on about something else and it circled back to me.  I let him get it all out and let him know that what I would like looks nothing like my childhood like I've told you before, nothing.  Then he was all like I just want her to be comfortable here and like it here and feel wanted - so BINGO - Disney Dad confirmation!

I ended it at that point, saying that we will talk more this weekend when she's not here and before ANY conversation happens he needs to read a couple things about stepmothering I've sent him that he's refused to read (of course he's making alllll these stereotypical assumptions you know).  I will not talk with him unless he's done that first.  Because if I say anything those 'experts' confirm, I'm immediately the baddie mean stepmom who doesn't understand what it's like.

Goddammit.  It's why I disengaged.

DH has said to me, "you are driving me away from my children." I've told him, "no, BM drove your children away from you." He says that to me, because I point out to him that his kids aren't respectful and don't act their age. I also don't want them to spend extra time at our home, because it's so miserable right now, to even have them here EOWE. DH can make plans and do whatever with them, but a) I won't make the plans; and b) he needs to make sure he's not overspending.

I don't like one SS because he lies about me and our home  to BM and he's now old enough that he knows what he's doing. He's also a disrespectful jerk even in the best of times, but since he spends his entire weekend with us texting BM to tell her how terrible we are, I think my response of trying to avoid him is reasonable. 

I firmly believe that SMs regularly become the scapegoat for all that is wrong in the dysfunctional post-divorce family, not because we are the source of the problem, but because we are an easy target and also because it can be impossible to address the other problems. In my case, BM will always have "borderline tendencies" and that will always make her impossible to deal with. Since she's the custodial parent and since SSs have not had the opportunity to build their own mental and emotional resilience, they are extensions of BM because they bring her drama into our home on a regular basis. They perpetuate the idea that she is "only looking out for the children" and not just trying to get her own dysfunctional, emotional needs met at DH's expense. Because I'm not interested in putting up with the drama and I believe that SSs (who are teens, not toddlers) should be called out for the role they are now playing, I become the problem. 

Sometimes, I think DH can see his kids for who they truly are, but he always makes excuses for it and he expects me to either put up and shut up or somehow make up for the fact that at least one of them is becoming a fully enmeshed extension of BM. 

He's trying to put a guilt trip on you (or get some kind of reaction out of you) by asking you a seemingly honest question. But, we know that it's not just an honest question.