It's really this hard with small things
We do a local, weekly meal kit for convenience and to keep from over-buying food now that two kids are gone. Well, last week I got food poisoning or norovirus or something while DH was traveling (NOT from that food, from fast-food I stopped for because I was in a hurry and hadn't packed a lunch). Means we didn't eat all the food from the week. We have to return the dishes when we pick up the next week's food. So some of it got thrown out. And it matters to the story that DH threw it out.
Monday night we are making the first dinner from the weekly kit and I say something about being sad that I didn't get to eat the dessert from last weeks kit. DH immediately got spun up that I was saying it was his fault I didn't get to eat it, that he had to clean out the dish, that he didn't think it was still good but had he known he could have put it into one of our containers, how I need to tell him, how he didn't know. It was amazing (and it's always exhausting). And I've been good about just ignoring but I didn't this time. Not sure why not.
I asked him if I said anything about it being his fault. No.
I asked him if I said it in an accusatory tone. No.
I asked him if my body language implied I was mad. No.
I asked if I said he should have known. No.
I asked if it's possible that my statement was because I was sad that I was too sick to eat it. Probably.
I asked him if he thought I was blaming him for the rain because I am also sad it's not sunny. No.
I asked then why take a simple statement of regret and make it about him? [silence]
I do not regularly flip out on this man, so it's not learned behavior from interactions with me. This has been going on forever. It's why we had/have conflict about the kids. I cannot make a simple observation without it being about him. I don't think he's gone to another therapy session and it's gonna be a lot of them before there's even a chance he gets around to any self-reflection on this kind of behavior.
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DH puts his boxing gloves on
DH puts his boxing gloves on anytime I say anything about him, the skids or the sky isnt blue. Ive been using the phrase Take It Down A Notch. He doesnt like it one bit and then he gets defensive about that hes not defensive lol but I really like that line, probably because he hates it
Everything's about him and he
Everything's about him and he's always the victim. Poor him. How exhausting.
Was he emotionally abused in a prior relationship? If so, he needs to work on getting closure and moving past it. If not, then this may be a part of his personality and he needs to work on that.
DH and I used to have regular arguments about money because of his ex wife. It was VERY frustrating. I could not mention finances without him getting defensive and mad, right out of the gate. He finally realized that I am not her.
If I had to take a wild guess
If I had to take a wild guess, he gets defensive because he thinks you're being passive aggressive, because that's how he would or does convey to you that he's upset about something. Instead of reading the situation based on YOU, he is, once again, reacting to a situation based on HIM and HIS needs/wants/feelings, etc.
This has got to be exhausting.
I call it some form of PTSD
I call it some form of PTSD for being emotionally and mentally abused. My DH is exactly as everything everyone has said above. OP I ask DH exactly the sort of questions you asked your DH. That also irks him a bit as it suggests he's "wrong" and that is a trigger for him as well.
More than a few times a month, I simply say "I am not her. I love you and am on your side. When I am discussing an issue, I'm not saying that 100% everything about you is crap. I just want to try to come to some sort of compromise on that one specific issue. So please stop flying off the handle at the suggestion that you're not perfect because no one is perfect. That doesn't mean you're a horrible person, it just means you are human."
If I knew how to "cure" it, I would share the remedy. It is exhausting sometimes but I also know that it comes from years and years of abuse. So while it irritates me, it also in equal measures makes me want to murder BM2 for what she's done to him.